A World Without Batman II

"Eureka!" exclaimed Jervis Tetch, entering the Rec Room at Arkham Asylum and proudly holding up a top hat. "I've done it, everyone! I've perfected my alternate reality simulator!"

He looked around, beaming, clearly expecting some sort of applause or acclaim. His face gradually fell as everyone in the room ignored him. "If Jonathan were here, he'd be pleased," he muttered, taking a seat in the corner sulkily.

"Hey, did anyone just hear someone talking?" asked the Joker, looking around. "Nope, me neither," he chuckled, turning his attention back to the TV.

"Hilarious, Joker, as usual," snapped Tetch sarcastically. "It's your fault it's taken me as long as it has to complete this prototype," he said, nodding at the hat. "You smashed my last one."

"How dare you, Hatty?" asked Joker, in mock offense, grinning. "That doesn't sound at all like something I'd do! I've never been so insulted!"

"You must remember – we visited an alternate reality and experienced Gotham without you in it," retorted Tetch. "Two-Face was Batman's main antagonist? Harley was head doctor here at Arkham?"

"What?" said Harley. "You never told me about this, Mr. J!"

"Wait, if J's not here, I'm the Bat's number one nemesis?" asked Two-Face, looking up from his book.

"That's right, yes," replied Tetch.

"Dammit," muttered Two-Face. "Means I can't kill the bastard clown after all. I wouldn't be comfortable being number one – I'm always number two."

"And you always will be, Harv!" chuckled Joker.

"Mr. J, tell me about the reality!" whined Harley, tugging at his arm. "Was I really head doctor?"

"I dunno, kid, I don't remember," he retorted. "I have a hard time remembering a lotta stuff, you know that."

"Because you're senile," muttered Two-Face.

"Because he's suffered a horrible accident, you insensitive jerk!" snapped Harley, cuddling Joker tenderly.

"So did I, but I can at least remember who I was before my accident!" snapped Two-Face.

"Yeah, and I bet if I had my ugly mug plastered on posters all over town, I would be able to remember my name too!" laughed Joker.

"I don't understand how you can't remember this – it was only last month!" snapped Tetch. "In the alternate reality, Batman dragged us into Arkham and you had to prove to Harley that you knew her so that she would help us escape! You defeated Batman! How could you forget that? I thought you would at least take some form of lesson away from the experience, like being grateful for the things you have in this reality!"

"Then you obviously ain't as smart as you think you are," retorted Joker. "I don't learn lessons. That would imply that I'm not perfect. And I clearly am perfect."

"You sure are, puddin'," sighed Harley adoringly, kissing him. "I wouldn't wanna exist in a reality without puddin', even if I was head doctor. Must have been a pretty bleak place."

"Yes, well, be that as it may, my next endeavor will be a far more pleasant scenario," said Tetch, smiling. "I am going to trap Batman forever in a reality in which he does not exist. I'll finally be able to get revenge on him for ruining my life."

"How the hell did he ruin your life?" demanded Joker. "I'm the one he threw into a vat of crazy chemicals that drove me stark raving mad! Though I suppose I should thank him for that, really – it has made life a whole lotta fun! Can you imagine how I would have ended up if that hadn't happened? Probably some two-bit gangster running some crummy extortion ring or something. I imagine I'd still be a criminal. I don't know what else I would have done with my life, but I can guarantee it wouldn't be full of the fun and frolics it is today - night after night of jokes, games, and Bat-baiting! Ah, it's a charmed life, Harley girl!" he chuckled, cuddling her.

"Perhaps he has done more damage to others, but it's the principle of the thing," retorted Tetch. "And it is the best kind of revenge – slow, painful, and agonizing, to entrap the mind forever in unreality, with no way to escape."

Joker looked at him. "Sounds like a real nice, tidy scheme, Hatty, but I can gurantee Bats'll find a way outta it. He just does. You always think you've got him trapped or cornered or beat, with no way out, but he always finds a way out. Always."

"And how does he do that?" asked Tetch.

"Well, usually by using that gadget belt thing he has," said Joker. "You'd think someday one of us would try to destroy it or something."

"I did – he's got it booby-trapped," muttered Two-Face. "Electrocuted three of my guys. I had to electrocute another just to make it an even number."

"But in the broader sense, he uses his mind to overcome the situation," said Tetch. "And if I control his mind, I ensure that he cannot use it to escape. It's incredibly complex technology, but actual very simple methodology, when you think about it."

"Yep, you're right, you ain't such a genius after all, Tetchy," said Joker, nodding.

"That's not what I said…"

"Nobody cares what you said. I said Batsy's gonna foil your plans, and he is, you mark my words. Or if he don't, I will. Life would be so boring without Bats in it. And I hate being bored, which I am right now, talking about your stupid scheme. C'mon, Harley, let's see how long you can keep from screaming while I'm beating you. We got to eight minutes yesterday, didn't we, pooh?"

"Yep, Mr. J!" said Harley, proudly. "I'm getting better! Maybe I can make ten today!"

"That's my girl!" he exclaimed, kissing her. "C'mon, slugger."

She skipped out of the room after him as Two-Face and Tetch stared after them. "She could never have been head doctor, even if J didn't exist," snapped Two-Face. "She's just plain nuts."

"Ah, but is madness a trait in one's nature, or is it the result of external circumstances?" asked Tetch. "The question has never been satisfactorily answered, at least to my mind, although the study of nature vs. nurture has long been a prevalent one in the history of…"

"Yeah, that sounds real interesting, Jervis," interrupted Two-Face, seizing the TV remote and turning up the volume.

Tetch glared at him. "Philistine," he muttered, picking up his hat and leaving the room. "I wish Jonathan were here. I feel like Alice trapped in some nightmarish Wonderland of ignorant buffoons. Although fortunately," he said, looking at the hat and smiling. "That's soon to be Batman."