Seasons of Sorrow


Madenia poked another piece of wood into the fire, then checked the water skins. Though it was warm inside the cave, the cooler Autumn air breezed past her every once in a while. She was looking forward to the hot tea as she glanced about the cave. Mostly everyone was still sleeping. Ayla, of
course, had been up when she woke and went to the river to wash up. She still didn't know how anyone would want to bathe in such cold water. The longing she felt when she thought of the hot springs was now familiar to her. Madenia knew she longed for home.

Had it only been 4 or 5 turnings of the moon since she'd left? So much had happened in such a short time. Her stomach growled and she added some dried meat to the larger water skin that was starting to boil. The leftover starchy roots from last nights meal was then added, as well as some parched grain. The hearth they shared was adequate, but sometimes with Jondalar, Ranec, Ayla, Tholiza and Wynic, plus herself, she sometimes felt crowded to the point of suffocation.

She didn't have to stay in Jondalar and Ayla's hearth, she reminded herself. But she certainly didn't feel comfortable staying with Zelandoni either. The woman just didn't put Madenia to ease like her Losanduni had. Of course, Ranec didn't mind staying at their hearth, and she didn't want to be left out so she stayed. More times than not, Madenia and Ranec shared a sleeping platform. There were only 3 in the hearth, and Tholiza and Wynic had one, Ayla and Jondalar the other.

Since the night of the matrimony when they shared pleasures, Madenia found it easier to be around him. Ranec never pushed her to share the Mother's gift, yet he was often willing when she was ready. At first Ranec would share the furs of others and she had the platform mostly to herself, but over the past month or so he'd spent almost every night at the hearth.

Sighing, Madenia knew this wasn't where she wanted to spend the rest of her life. The predictions Zelandoni had made at the mating ceremony intrigued and scared her. The thought of her one day having children was a delight, but the rest? Ayla, Ranec and Jondalar definitely had a shared destiny. Zelandoni said as much. The only thing she was told is one day she would be a mother. There was nothing to tie her to the rest of her traveling companions. Perhaps that was why she'd felt so uncomfortable these past few weeks.

Glancing at Ranec asleep nearby she sighed as she poured herself a cup of tea. Almost forgetting to add the herbs Ayla had given her, Madenia reached for the little pouch and let them steep in the hot liquid. She knew Ranec wouldn't leave Ayla. Though she knew more than any of the zelandonii about his connection to Ayla, she knew that he would always love her in his own way. Of course, he also had to teach Tholiza and Wynic his carving skill. Zelandoni said as much. What could she possibly teach them? Ayla knew way more about medicine than her, and all three of them were better hunters than her. Though she could do bead work, it wasn't spectacular and Ayla was quickly learning, adding new patterns that no one had ever thought of before. No, she didn't have anything to offer these people, and knew from the looks of those at the 9th cave she was being allowed to stay out of deference to Jondalar.

Taking her tea, Madenia left the hearth and stepped out onto the limestone ledge. orange, red, and brown hues danced across the land as the Mother prepared her creatures for the small death of winter. If she didn't leave soon, she'd have to winter with the zelandonii. But, where would she go if she left? She had snuck out of her home cave in the night. Not even telling her mother. Would they take her back? No. She didn't want to go there. If she stayed at home, she'd be an outcast. Tainted by Charoli and his men. Perhaps she'd have a life like Ayla? She could find a small cave and live alone. Perhaps she'd find some horses to keep her company. Madenia finished her tea and headed back into the cave to contemplate her idea. Perhaps...

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Ayla watched as Zelandonii steeped the yarrow leaves in the mixture of water and bouza. When Loslara first ran into the cave to say her brother had fallen down a cliff and couldn't make it back to the cave on his own, Zelandonii nodded at her and Ayla had quickly grabbed her medicine kit, as well as Whinney. In no time they found the young man at the bottom of a rock face. His thigh had, unfortunately, be pierced with a piece of wood as he tumbled. Using the travois to carry him back to the cave, both women had managed to remove the wood, making sure there were no splinters left to fester later on. Though they gave him a drink for the pain, the man had cried out quite a bit.

His mother, Rolanda, and her mate stayed close by outside the hearth, waiting for word. Zelandonii, like Mamut, Ayla mused, also didn't allow loved ones near by when they had to work. It wasn't easy to watch someone hurt a child, even if it was for his own good.

Ayla's attention was drawn back to the scene when Zelandonii stopped the chanting she'd been doing. Not overtly loud, but enough to calm the pale face of the boy. He couldn't have been more than 13 she mused, and wondered if he'd had his Doni-woman yet.

"Don't worry, Lemaron, we're almost finished. You've done very well. How did you fall down the hill to begin with?" Zelandonii asked to distract him as she added crushed Fron to the poultice and apply it to his leg.

The youngster grimaced, but did his best to appear brave. Especially in front of the blond stranger. He'd never really been near her before. Most of the boys his age talked about her enough, but they had been too shy to approach her. She was beautiful, could throw a spear further than anyone they knew and that sling! It was as if Doni had given it to her from birth.

"Loslara took my new knife. The one Joharren made for me. She wouldn't give it back when I told her to and ran from me. I was trying to catch her." He finished quietly as he noticed Zelandonii's stern look.

"You could have come to one of us, Lemaron. You know the rules." Zelandonii admonished.

"But she took it!" He protested.

"Yes, and I'll have a talk with her later." Zelandonii then turned to Ayla with curiosity. "How would you have treated his wound, Ayla?" She asked.

Though she accepted the Clan as being human, and wasn't questioning Ayla's ability as a healer, it still surprised her the depth of the young woman's knowledge. More than a few times she'd been pleased to learn of new uses for plants she'd been using all her life.

Ayla leaned forward a little to study his leg. She thought carefully of her answer, wanting to remember everything Iza had taught her. "I would have also used a poultice. The yarrow's good for drawing out fever, and probably colt's root for swelling. I'm not too familiar with the fron you used. Iza did use Juniper seeds though, they look somewhat like it."

Zelandonii smiled and nodded. "Yes, they're from the same family. Juniper doesn't grow well around here though. The uses are almost identical though."

Ayla smiled in return, comfortable around her new friend. It hadn't been easy living with the zelandoni. Some people still weren't accepting of her and her Clan upbringing. But she was lucky. Jondalar loved her. She had Tholiza and Wynic. Plus Ranec and Madenia. Even Joharren had been friendly to her. Tears sprang unbidden to her eyes when she thought of Marthona. Ayla had truly been lucky to have been blessed with so many mothers.

"Please tell Rolanda she can come in now, Ayla."

Ayla gave Lemaron a reassuring smile that caused him to blush as she ducked past the hide covering.

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Ranec was the first to see Ayla approach the hearth. "How's the boy?" He asked as he bounced Tholiza on his knee.

Jondalar turned towards her, and put his free arm around her as she sat down beside him.

"I think he'll have full use of his leg. Zelandonii is with him now."

"That's good to know." Jondalar sighed, but Ayla noticed his forehead pinched. She knew he had much weighing on his mind, but they had been so busy since returning from the summer meeting that neither had much time to talk. She realized that in some ways, she really missed the traveling they'd done. At least in the evenings after camp was set up, they could talk all night if they wanted.
"I think somebody missed you." He added, and handed Wynic to her.

Ayla held him close and inhaled deeply as she kissed his soft hair. He was getting so big! When he opened his mouth and started to root, she obliged and lifted her tunic so he could nurse. It was getting rather late in the day and her stomach growled, reminding her that she still needed to start on the evening meal. Looking around, she realized that Madenia wasn't in the common areas nearby.

"Have either of you seen Madenia?" she asked.

Jondalar shrugged. "I was with Joharren most of the day. The weather is good and Zelandonii said it would be a good time to organize a hunt. Winter's almost here and we need to store as much as we can. Zole- Zelandonii said that she thinks we're going to have a hard winter this year."

Ayla frowned as she thought of Whinney and Racer. Though the 9th cave of the zelandoni were protected from the worst of winter by the thick walls of the cave, the horses had no such protection. She knew that Jondalar had asked Joharren if they'd be able to construct a shelter of sorts, perhaps like they had with the Mamutoi, but so far they hadn't found a suitable location. With the weather being so nice, and so much for her to do and learn, she'd almost forgotten about the shelter! Belatedly, she realized that Ranec was speaking.

"-- that was earlier today though, before Lemaron had his accident."

Jondalar looked around the cave at others he knew who'd gone to gather what they could earlier. "I'm sure she'll be back soon. Wolf went with her in any case. Besides, there are still some people out gathering."

Ayla nodded and placed the soft carrying cloak around her shoulder, situating Wynic. "I think I'll make what's left of that elk haunch. Since we had it last night it won't take long to heat, I'll make a stew and I'll add the starch roots and some of the grains we'd gathered. That should thicken it. Perhaps I'll add some--"

"Ayla, if you don't stop telling me what you're going to make, I'll not be able to wait for you to cook it!" Ranec laughed and both Ayla and Jondalar joined in, though she couldn't stop herself from blushing at the compliment.

"Why don't you check on Racer and Whinney for me then? I'm sure Tholiza would like to see them. She hasn't been down to see them lately." 'Neither have I,' Ayla thought.

Ranec hoisted the blond haired girl to his shoulders as he picked up his spear thrower. Seeing Ayla moving the roast to the edge of the fire, he couldn't resist picking a piece off as turned to get the roots.

"Stop that!" Ayla playfully reached to smack his hand out of the way but he was too quick. She watched as he laughingly left the cave. Glancing at the woman approaching the hearth, she noticed she wasn't the only one watching the carver with the laughing eyes.

Jondalar moved forward, preparing to wrap his arms around Ayla from behind when she spoke. Sighing, he sat back onto the sleeping platform.

"Hello, Folara." Ayla greeted to get her attention. Jondalar's younger sister blushed as she stepped into the hearth and sat beside Jondalar.

"Hi, Ayla, Jondalar." Folara leaned towards Wynic. "And how are you doing little man?" She cooed to the baby. He stopped nursing long enough to favor her with a toothless grin, then quickly latched on again.

"What brings you over here, Sis? Not that we're not happy to see you." Jondalar teasingly asked. It was well known that his sister had developed an attraction for Ranec. At first Jondalar was hesitant. He wanted to keep Folara away from the carver, but it had been Ayla that made him realize that his sister was no longer a child, but a beautiful young woman who could make her own choices. If he was honest with himself, he also knew part of him was still a little jealous of the man. Folara had spent more time 'visiting' with her brother since they returned, than she ever did before he left!

"Mother wanted to know if you'd like to have dinner with us. She and Willomar still have a lot left over from the bison.

Jondalar looked at Ayla, who silently shrugged. "Tell her we'd love to. Madenia isn't back yet though and Ranec took Tholiza to see the horses."

Ayla noticed how Folara's smile dropped when Jondalar mentioned Madenia, but the woman quickly hid it. She felt sorry for her. It seemed that Ranec knew she liked him, and he was friendly enough with her. They'd shared pleasures many times since the summer meeting, but he hadn't shown any inclination of furthering the relationship. She did however, see where Ranec's eyes tended to fall often and hoped that he would eventually find the happiness that he deserved.

"That's all right. It's not ready yet anyway. I'll let her know that you'll be there later." Folara seemed about to say something else when they heard laughter coming from the entrance. They watched as he appeared, carrying a large basket. Madenia was beside him carrying Tholiza. She was also smiling, but Ayla saw the dark circles under her eyes.

Her skill as a medicine woman kicked in and as Madenia approached, she noted the pallor of the woman. The tiredness. She was pushing herself too hard. She also knew that Madenia wasn't very happy lately, but didn't know why. She'd tried talking to her many times, but Madenia always avoided the topic. Ayla knew more than Madenia did on certain subjects though, and asked her to take some herbs with her morning tea, and again in the evening before bed. Madenia reluctantly agreed, and Ayla could see that it was helping some. If what Ayla suspected was true she would feel better in time.

"Madenia, I was getting worried. You shouldn't stay out so long. At least not by yourself. The night comes earlier this time of year." Ayla gently admonished.

"You should have told someone which direction you were heading, in case something happened." Jondalar added.

Madenia blushed. "I'm sorry. I didn't think about that. It was just such a nice day though, and I wanted to gather as much as I could."

The basked Ranec sat down had roots, tubers, the last of the berries that had been clinging stubbornly to a thorny bush and grains. She certainly had been busy, Ayla thought.

"You've been gathering enough to feed the entire cave, Denie" Ranec teased, using the special name he'd given her. He wasn't sure when he'd started using it, but it suited her, and she did seem pleased.

Madenia shrugged. "I just want to be useful." She added self-consciously.

Folara stood to be closer to Ranec, but he hadn't seemed to even notice she was standing there. "I've got to help Mother get the meal ready. I'll see you later." she announced with forced cheerfulness.

"Thanks, Folara. Tell Marthona that I'll bring some of the berry cakes I've been experimenting with." Ayla added, feeling sympathy for the woman. She knew what it was like to think the one she loved didn't love her in return.

"Marthona and Willomar have invited us to share their evening meal." Jondalar informed Ranec and Madenia as Folara hurried back to her hearth.

"Great! I could probably eat an entire mammoth!" Ranec exaggerated as he eyed the meat Ayla was putting away.

"Don't even think about it!" She warned as Madenia pulled out a pack from the sleeping platform she used.

"I'm going to wash up before I eat. I'll be back soon." she announced as she headed for the nearby stream.

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"When do you want to leave for the hunt?" Jondalar asked his brother. As leader of a large group of people, it was imperitive that they not only hunted often for large numbers of animals, but that they were successful. The scouts that had been sent out yesterday, on the advice of Zelandoni, had returned saying they spotted a large herd of bison on the plains to the west.

Joharren turned to Zelandoni, who nodded slightly. "I don't want to wait too long, since they could move off by then. The day after tomorrow should give us enough time to organize everyone."

"Great! I've been wanting to use the spear-throwers since the summer meeting." Jondalar added.

"Haven't you been using them every time you've hunted, Jondalar?" Folara asked.

"Yes, but that's just been one or two animals. You can't really appreciate what one can do until you've hunted a herd. Since you can throw from farther away, you don't have to be as close."

"That's a lot safer. I wish more of us knew how to use them accurately." Willomar added. Though he'd practiced with the thrower, he, like most everyone else didn't have the accuracy it took to bring down an animal.

"We've been showing everyone who wants to learn, maybe you can try it out on this hunt?" Jondalar eagerly suggested. He was proud of the invention, and wanted to give his people the benefits of the spear-throwers.

"Perhaps. It depends on how well I'm doing." The older man grinned.

"Ayla, are you going to use your sling also?" Folara asked in earnest. Ever since Ayla had arrived, she was in awe of the woman her brother mated. She was beautiful, talented, and was always eager to share and explain what she knew. There were a lot of zelandonii who didn't want others to be able to do what they did. It wouldn't be as special if everyone could do it. Folara was especially in awe of the way Ayla used her sling. She could bring down four birds before they even knew what hit them. More than once she found herself fantacising that she was talented like Ayla, and that the tall dark, mysterious carver from so far away would look at her with love.

"I doubt if I'd be able to bring down any large animal with it. Bison are very thick boned. I'll take it, of course, but I'll also be using my spear-thrower."

Zelandoni had been quietly observing everyone as they ate and talked about what they needed to bring on the hunt. She noticed that everyone but Madenia seemed excited about it. There were dark circles under her eyes, and Ayla had confided in her that she didn't seem well. The Zelandoni knew that illnesses of the spirit were the hardest of all to cure.

Willomar told a joke and she noticed that when Ranec laughed, Madenia's face seemed to spark to life as she looked at him. She decided to store that information away for later.

"Madenia, are you going to go along on the hunt?" Zelandoni asked. The younger woman seemed startled that she'd been addressed.

"I hadn't really thought about it." She quietly answered. Jondalar, whom she'd been sitting beside, gently squeezed her knee.

"You don't want to miss out on this hunt. If we have time, we may be able to travel to the Great Water's of the West. They go on as far as the eye can see. The dirt is not dirt at the water's edge. It's grainy, and there are many creatures that live in the waters that wash up onto the land. It's something that I never tire looking at."

Ayla smiled at Jondalar's enthusiasum. She'd heard Jerkia talking about the Great Waters, and really did want to see them herself. She hadn't known that Jondalar had been planning to travel there, and hoped that they'd be able to go. She wondered how different it would be from the penninsula in Berin Sea where she'd grown up.

"Besides, with winter coming everyone will be in the cave all the time. This could be the last chance for a while to get out." Ranec added, giving her his special smile.

Folara frowned at the attention Ranec was giving Madenia. Normally, she would have been friends with her. Madenia was a nice person, but it was difficult to be nice to her when she saw her a competition. Ranec seemed to like Madenia, but he had spent quite a few nights sharing her furs. She knew he hadn't decided on either of them, and was trying her best to be the one he chose.

"I'm going. I wouldn't miss it for the world." Folara added as she smiled at Ranec. Feeling self-conscious, she shrugged her shoulders and looked sheepishly around at her family.

"I'm not looking forward to being in the cave all winter, and besides, I've only been to the Great Water's once, and I was so young then I barely remember!"

Marthona smiled into her tea. "I remember that trip. You had just passed your 7th year. We brought back a whole lot of salt on that trip. It was all I could do to keep an eye on you. Everytime I turned around you were trying to go into the water to swim."

"I'll go. I've never been on a big hunt before, or seen the Great Waters." Madenia added and smiled shyly at everyone before sipping more of her tea.

"Great! I know we'll have fun, Denie" Ranec put his arm around her briefly and squeezed her shoulder. His look changed then, and he turned to Joharren. "How do the zelandonii hunt bison and other large animals? The Mamutoi sometimes make a surround, and we chase them inside. Once there, we close the opening. It takes a lot of time though, and we can't always get the animals to go into it. Other times we try and surround a herd, and on a signal everyone kills as many as they can."

"We've used both those techniques, also. It all depends on where the animals are. If they're near the glacier, there isn't a lot of materials around there to make a surround though. Sometimes if the herd is near the mountains, we use them to block their path, with people closing in on the other 3 sides. There's also a place not too far from here in the limestone cliffs that's good to not only spot herds, but to trap them. It's where the river bends."

Willomar stood and stretched, yawning loudly. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm beat!" He stood behind Marthona then, and gently rubbed her shoulders. "I think I'll just go to sleep."

The others laughed as he leaned down and kissed Marthona's neck. 'Sleep' was the last thing he had on his mind.

"I think we're all tired. We have a big day tomorrow with organizing the hunt, and possibly a trip to get salt. We'll have to take a lot of people." Joharren added as he stood and kissed his mother's cheek.

Ayla and Jondalar both stood, each carrying a sleeping child. Ranec and Madenia stood to follow them. "Thank you for having us over, Marthona" Ayla added as she and Jondalar left the hearth.

As Ranec started walking with Madenia, Folara took a deep breath. "Ranec?"

He and Madenia both turned to face her, and she took a step forward as she gave him a winning smile.

"Do you have to go? It really isn't *that* late, and I can think of some things we can 'talk' about." She used all her charms as she sauntered up to him.

Ranec hesitated as he glanced over at Madenia. Folara touching his chest caused a shiver to go through him, directly to his manhood. It had been a while since they'd shared pleasures. "I..I could probably stay for a little while," he decided as his eyes took on a mischevious sparkle.

Madenia looked down and away, not knowing why she felt the way that she did. The last thing she wanted was to draw attention to herself, so she took a deep breath and tried to smile.

"I'll see you in the morning." Madenia said as cheerfully as she could, then hurried off quickly before either could see the tears sting her eyes. What right did she have to feel this way, anyhow? It wasn't as if Ranec had made any type of commitment to her, or even said he liked her for that matter. Even men and women who were mated often shared furs with others at Mother's Festivals.

Folara led Ranec to her sleeping platform, unaware that Zelandoni hadn't left the hearth yet. The older woman glanced in the direction Madenia had taken, then at the closed hides of Folara's sleeping place. Shaking her head, she stood and went to her own hearth to retire.

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Madenia looked over her belongings and they lay on the sleeping platform. She really didn't own much. The beautiful outfit Ayla had given her, her spear-thrower Jondalar had made for her. Two travelling outfits. A necklass, an extra pair of boots. It was so different from her life at home. There she had beautiful furs and clothes, mats woven with intricate designs. She realized then that she hadn't woven with different grasses in over a year!

After the attack, she had stopped doing everything. Her mother had to force her to even eat most of the time. All she had wanted to do was die. Though she started to feel better after Ayla's visit, she had stopped doing a lot of what she'd loved, and mostly it was because of fear. She didn't practice her bead work because she didn't want to have to set snares, and check them, for the hides. A shudder went through her as she realized that the last time she'd even checked a snare had been the day of the attack.

The same for grasses. She had such a fear of being out there, alone, that she only collected what she needed to as a member of the cave, and always made sure that others were around.

Well no more! Madenia took a deep breath and with determination, she packed everything she'd need. Everything she had, except for her eating knife and bowl for tomorrow's tea and breakfast. She was tired of living in fear. Sighing, Madenia's shoulders sagged as if the spirit had gone out of her. With perfect clarity and a touch of sadness, she realized she was simply tired of living.

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Ayla noticed the other members from the cave eying Whinney and Racer. Well, they were eying the pole drag Whinney had. Though they had seen the horses carry kills back before, it was the first time they realized that the horses could also carry a persons traveling gear. Normally, Ayla and Jondalar would carry their own packs, but with each having a child, Tholiza with Ayla, and Wynic with Jondalar, it was easier to carry the extra things they needed with Whinney. Once the herd was found and they were ready to transport the meat back, then they would take packs for themselves. Racer would also use a pole drag then.

Ayla shifted Tholiza, who was thankfully sleeping against her shoulder. The child seemed to be getting into everything lately, and all morning she'd been fussy. Ayla made her a mild calming tea when they stopped to rest and luckily it had the desired effect.

"I'll take her for you if you'd like, Ayla." Madenia offered as she

approached.

"Thank you. She's getting very heavy, and I did see some plants I'd like to gather."

Tholiza barely stirred as Madenia settled her on her shoulder. Ayla watched the tenderness between Madenia and Tholiza, and knew that the young woman would make a wonderful mother. Ayla sensed a change in Madenia, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. She still looked tired, and somewhat ill, but there was a peace, no, a resignation about her that hadn't been there before. Ayla wasn't sure if the change was for the better.

"How have you been feeling, Madenia?" Ayla asked as she took the woman's pack from her, placing it onto her own back.

"Better. The tea you made for me helps." She shyly replied.

"Are you still getting sick in the mornings?" Ayla pressed.

Madenia shrugged, "Not as much. It's worse in the evenings."

Ayla could sense Madenia's reluctance to talk about herself, but her instincts told her that she needed to press on.

"Madenia, I know you haven't been sleeping well these past few weeks. You've been working so hard during the day helping the camp get ready for winter. If you keep pushing yourself like this I'm afraid you will end up very ill. When we stop this evening, I'd like to examine you if you'd let me."

Madenia silently nodded and Ayla let out the breath she'd been holding.

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The zelandonii were restless as they sat around many small fires to share the evening meal with friends and family. By tomorrow afternoon they would probably reach the herd, or where the herd last was seen. It wouldn't take them long then to plan the best way to hunt them, and they could hardly wait.

Ayla sat before an older man, Riklovar, as she tended to the many insect bites he'd received using a medicated wash. She hadn't really talked to him before, but his mate, Garthina, was helping her to make clothes in the zelandonii style. By the time everyone had set up camp and made their evening meal, she'd treated almost half of the hunting party.

Stretching, she left some of the wash with him, if he needed it, and showed him some plants that help to keep insects away when placed in the fire. Making her way to her own fire, Ayla smiled as she watched both Jondalar and Ranec on all fours, growling playfully at Wynic and Tholiza. The girl giggled with delight and would growl back as she jumped onto Jondalar's back, effectively 'killing' him as he flipped over and played dead.

Madenia laughed with the rest of them, and Ayla was pleased to see her smile. She remembered though that she wanted to examine her as she approached.

"Ayla! There you are. We were starting to wonder if you were going to come back to the fire at all tonight." Jondalar teased as he picked up Tholiza and swung her high over his head. The girl giggled and he kissed her before setting her down to go to her mother.

Jondalar wrapped both arms around Ayla as he rubbed his cheek against hers in greeting, then kissed her. The kiss was meant to be brief, but she felt so good that he found himself deepening it as she melted against him. He felt his need for her grow, and forced himself to pull back, his eyes giving her a promise for later tonight.

"I missed you, too." Ayla smiled as she gave him a chaste kiss and sat down by Madenia. Ranec handed her a bowl of stew and she smiled her thanks at him, not realizing how hungry she'd been.

It wasn't until after everyone had eaten and they were sitting by the fire relaxing that Ayla focused her attention on Madenia again.

"Madenia, I would like to examine you now, if you have no objections." Ayla stated, and saw the younger woman tense.

"Are you not feeling well, Denie?" Ranec asked with a hint of concern as he studied her. He hadn't been around much since he'd been spending so much time at Marthona's hearth with Folara, and he found himself missing their conversations. He looked at her closely, but when she wouldn't meet his eyes, he turned to Ayla in a silent question.

"I'm just a little tired. It's nothing really." Madenia replied as she continued to look into her tea.

"Ayla says you've been working too hard, Madenia. I know the zelandonii appreciate all of your hard work, but you need to also take it easy sometimes." Jondalar gently chided. For weeks now Ayla had been telling him of her concerns for Madenia, and he had to admit she didn't look as well as she did at the beginning of summer.

"I haven't done any more than anyone else." She defended, feeling awkward that so much attention was being paid to her. She'd feel so much better if everyone would just leave her alone. "Besides, I need to earn my keep." She lamely finished.

Ayla sensed the defensiveness in her, and didn't want the moment to slip away. With so many people she could be called away to help someone. "If you'd like, we can go in my tent. That's where most of my medicine is, and it will also give us some privacy." Ayla stood and waited for Madenia to stand also.

Relieved, Ayla quickly lit a small lamp and headed into the tent, followed by Madenia.

The younger woman watched as Ayla lit another lamp from the flame of the first, then turn to smile at her.

Bringing one of the lamps closer, Ayla used her fingers to open Madenia's eye a little more and checked both of them. Then she instructed Madenia to breath deep and Ayla smelled her breath.

"Would you take your tunic off?" Ayla asked.

Madenia frowned but slowly removed her tunic.

"You can lay on my furs."

Once Madenia was settled, Ayla slowly palpitated her abdomen in a small circular motion, followed by her breasts. "Tell me if you have any pain or tenderness." Ayla instructed, but she didn't need to confirm what her knowing hands had already determined.

"My breasts are tender." Madenia offered, and tried to relax as Ayla's fingers pressed against her abdomen.

"Have you been passing your water a lot?" Ayla asked, and when Madenia paused a moment to think, then nodded, Ayla had to hide her smile. "When was your last moontime?"

Madenia shrugged as she stared at the wall of the tent. "I don't know."

"You haven't been marking your moontimes in some way?" Ayla asked, puzzled. She thought all women marked their bleeding.

"I've been too busy."

"When was the last time you remember having your moontime?"

Madenia thought hard. "I guess it was at the summer meeting, when we first arrived."

"You can put your tunic back on." Ayla watched as Madenia sat up, then took a small pouch and started to fill it with different herbs she knew well.

Madenia looked so withdrawn and sad, she hoped what she was going to tell her would make her happy.

"These are some different medicine's I'd like you to take. Drink one cup of tea in the morning when you wake, and another before you go to sleep."

When Madenia nodded, Ayla sat the pouch aside and took Madenia's hands in her own. "I believe that the Mother has blessed you, Madenia."

The younger woman stared at Ayla blankly for a moment, not quite sure she understood what Ayla had said.

"I'm going to have a baby?" She asked, her voice a high-pitched whisper.


"I believe so. You have all the signs. It's still a little early to tell, but yes, I think by next spring you'll have a baby of your very own."

Madenia let out a sob then hugged Ayla tightly. In between tears she managed to speak. "I've wanted to be blessed for so long, but I didn't think the Mother would ever--" her words caught in her throat and Ayla held her tightly, letting her cry. It was wonderful that she was finally getting some happiness, Ayla thought. Until she found she had been blessed with Durc, Broud had always made her miserable. Even when he wasn't forcing himself on her, Ayla would dread not knowing when he would. Perhaps a baby is just what Madenia needs to help her move on, Ayla thought.

Ranec glanced at the tent a few times, both he and Jondalar could hear crying. His stomach churned with fear for Madenia. What had Ayla discovered? The two men's eyes met, and then they turned when the tent flap opened.

Madenia was wiping her eyes with a soft piece of leather, but Ayla was smiling broadly which made him relax a little.

Madenia straightened and realized that both Ranec and Jondalar were looking at her. She glanced at Ayla and smiled brighter.

"Well?" Jondalar asked, puzzled at the strange turn of mood they both were in.

Madenia ducked her head. "I'm fine." She hadn't wanted to tell anyone of the Mother's Blessing yet, and Ayla assured her that it was her decision to announce when she wanted to.

Ranec breathed a sigh of relief and made room for Madenia as she sat down next to him. Sipping his tea, they all fell into a contented silence. Every time he'd glance at Madenia though, she had the broadest smile on her face. She was radiant. He felt a stirring in his manhood and when she looked in his direction, he couldn't help but smile in return.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@

It didn't take long for the zelandonii to break camp. The sun had barely begun it's trek across the sky as Ranec stowed the last of Ayla's supplies on Whinney's travois. He didn't hear Folara approach and when he turned around, he had to step back lest he trip over her.

"Folara! I didn't see you there. You should be careful or you'll end up getting trampled." Ranec smiled.

Folara tossed her hair back and laughed as she met his dark eyes with her own vivid blue ones. "I missed you last evening. I thought you were going to come to our fire for tea." She lightly fingered the beads on his tunic, in the middle of his chest.

Ranec gently caught her hand in his own. Folara was really a nice woman, and he liked spending time with her, but lately she seemed to be everywhere he turned.

"I was tired from traveling and went to sleep early." He explained, though his words lacked conviction as his memory took him back to the events of last evening. Like old times, he and Madenia shared a tent, but this time he also shared her furs.

She was so beautiful, and happy, as if a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Ranec couldn't remember ever seeing Madenia more beautiful, not even during the mating ceremony, and then she looked like the Mother herself had placed her there just for him. She was breathtaking. When she responded eagerly to his kiss- a kiss given playfully with the laughter they'd been sharing- he was ready to show her the Mother's gift as fully as he could. Long after she fell asleep, half curled against him, he lay awake watching her, mesmerized by her beauty until the tiny lamp dimmed and went out. A beauty she'd kept hidden from all for so long. Her laughter alone could free his soul from whatever burden he might be experiencing.

"Ranec!"

"What?" He looked sheepishly at Folara. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm not fully awake yet. What were you saying?"

"I said, perhaps tonight you'd like to come by. I'm sure the hunt will be a success, and we could celebrate in our own way." Folara hinted as she looked eagerly into his eyes.

Ranec's first instinct was to decline, and he shook his head getting ready to tell her no. She must have sensed his answer because she quickly reached up and pulling his head down, gave him a deep, passionate kiss.

"Don't say no, Ranec." Folara breathed as she ended the kiss. "We'll honor the Mother as She should be honored. I was going to wait to tell you this, but I think the Mother's blessed me. I'm hoping it's of your spirit." She rushed on, a slight note of urgency in her voice.

Ranec stared at her a moment, then smiled. "That's wonderful news, Folara. I'm sure even zelandonii men will be vying to share your hearth now! Not that you didn't have plenty of offers before."

Folara's smile dropped a little, and she decided it was time to make her intentions known. "I don't want just any man, Ranec. I was hoping you'd want to share a hearth with me."

Folara fidgeted uncomfortably as he studied her, and she felt herself close to tears. It wasn't the reaction she was expecting. "Say something." she pleaded.

"I'm really happy for you, Folara. If Mut chooses to use my spirit for your baby then I would be honored. Any man would. But what could I possibly bring to your hearth? My people are far to the east. A years journey at least. I have nothing of value. No status here."

"I don't care about your status, Ranec. I know we'd be happy together. I'm sure mother would approve. You could become zelandonii. Say you'll at least think about it? Our union would be lucky since I'm already blessed."

Ranec knew how she felt. Knew better than most people ever would. Was it only a few summers ago he pleaded with Ayla to share a hearth with him? Why hadn't he seen how much Folara cared for him before? He did like spending time with her. She was funny, and very pleasing, but she wasn't what he was looking for. Yes, it was well past time that he settled down and took a mate. The problem was, since Ayla he could never bring himself to think of another woman that way. He'd truly given Ayla his heart, all of it, and she had no choice but to step on it as she walked away with the man *she* loved. Ranec could see the longing and tears in Folara's eyes, and knew he'd have to end this now.

"I'm sorry, Folara. But I can't share a hearth with you. You're a wonderful woman and I always enjoy your company, but I don't want to mate with you." Ranec knew the hurt she was feeling and wanted to comfort her in some way. Before he could act on the impulse Folara turned and ran away from him.

He continued to watch her go, causing others to look in her direction, until she disappeared behind some trees. It wasn't long before he saw Willomar go after her, knowing she'd have someone to talk to, he turned to pick up his pack and froze when he saw Ayla not too far away. She approached him them.

"You heard." He stated flatly.

Ayla nodded studied him as his eyes closed and he took a deep breath. "Was it this hard for you, when you turned me away?" He asked, the raw emotions Folara revived in him rising to the surface. The pain in his eyes was heartbreaking.

"I never meant to hurt you. You know that." Ayla quietly answered.

Ranec paused, then sighed again. "I know. I didn't mean to bring that up again. I just- I need some time to think about this."

Ranec threw the strap of his pack on his shoulder and strode off.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Ranec kicked at a stone as he brought up the rear of the hunting party. Except for a few people ahead of him, he was well out of sight of Folara, Marthona-who'd been comforting the young woman last he'd seen- and most of all, the stares of everyone in the hunting party. Did news have to travel that fast? He could only guess what everyone was thinking of him.

The daughter of the former leader of the 9th Cave, sister to the leader of the 9th Cave. High status indeed, and he rejected her as if she'd been not worth his time. He truly did have feelings for Folara, and he probably could be happy with her. He kicked another rock in frustration. He was no closer now than he was this morning about what to do. If he went to her and told her that he'd changed his mind, he knew she'd still accept him. But how long would that last? With her being blessed even more men would be interested in her.

Ranec was so caught up in his thoughts he didn't realize that Zelandoni had slowed down until she was now walking next to him. She didn't speak until she was certain that he realized she was there.

"I suppose you've heard?" He asked, and when she nodded, he could feel the heat rise to his cheeks.

"Great. I bet there isn't anyone who doesn't know." He muttered.

"She's upset, but she'll get over it. It is for the best if you don't love her to have told her now, instead of leading her on. I bet she's not the first heart that's been inadvertently broken by your charms." Zelandonii smiled, as she gave him a look that reminded him that she wasn't just Zelandonii, that she was a woman first.

Ranec blushed again, but gave a small smile back. True, he normally did draw a lot of attention among the women.

"I don't know how I feel." Ranec admitted. "I think, in my own way, I love her." He tried to explain.

"But it isn't an overwhelming love." Zelandonii guessed.

"I guess not." He admitted.

They walked in silence for a few moments, then Zelandonii spoke again. "Not everyone who mates loves each other completely. There are some matings that are arranged by family members, or caves. Sometimes a woman will lose her mate or vice-versa, and they'll find another one for convenience sake. That doesn't mean they don't love each other, or won't learn to love each other. Sometimes those matings turn out to be the best ones."

"So you think I should?" Ranec asked, hoping someone would tell him the right thing to do.

"Only you can answer that question. Ask the Mother, she'll guide you just as she always has."

Ranec frowned at the cryptic message. Why did Those Who Served always talk like that? Couldn't they just say what they meant once and for all?

The group ahead was stopping and the two of them slowed down. "Unless, of course," Zelandonii added, a slight teasing note to her voice, "there is someone else who you'd like to give your heart to?"

Ranec looked in the direction Zelandoni had, and caught a glimpse of golden
hair as Ayla took something out of Whinney's pack basket with Madenia's
help. "I already did, once. I don't think she ever gave it back."

Zelandonii stopped as Ranec continued to walk on, lost in his own thoughts. She glanced at the blond woman who'd brought so much happiness and heartache with her, and then at Madenia. She was reminded of a song-chant she'd learned as a little girl.

'The Mother's great heart
brought forth a new creature
One that she gave
some of her features.

They'd laugh and they'd cry
know joy and know loss.
The chosen of Her
to bear a great cross.

She knew there'd be times
when they needed more
To help with the struggle
more She brought forth.

She gave Seasons of Joy
so their heart's would know love
Like the new birth of Spring
Promised from above.

Then knowing all creatures
needed Her in their life
She gave Seasons of Hope
to push through the strife.

But She knew nothing lasts
Save her love for them all
She knew heartache they'd find
When they'd trip and fall

To help with the grief
She'd give new tomorrows
to help them get through
their Seasons of Sorrow.