We watched each other from a distance, friends, more than friends, yet nothing more than acquaintances. Odd how your heart shudders when you think about those you love. Odd how it rends when you know it's impossible. Worse, when you know it's the same for him.
Do you believe at love at first sight? I do, but I don't. We'd seen each other for years, but it wasn't until we spoke, really had a conversation that the attraction began. I found myself drawn to him like a magnet. Peculiar, because I usually didn't fall for those who weren't already friends. But there he was, completely different from every male I had ever known, and completely unattainable.
I'm not supposed to cry, you see. I don't cry over the small things. So if my friends saw me crying, they'd ask me why, and I would have to tell them. Tell them that it's impossible.
It hurts, you know. It hurts when I see his previous girlfriend still hanging all over him. It hurts to know I'm still alone, still shivering by myself in the frigid winter wind, still sitting on the couch in the Common Room with nothing to lean on but a pillow. It just about kills me when he confides to me that he wishes he could hold his ex girlfriend, could kiss her, and in the next breath tell me that all he wants is to drop all of his problems and just be with me. The point is, he can't drop all of his problems. Which leaves me stuck in limbo, unsure whether its fair to like others, love others, or if I have to remain somewhat faithful to someone who can only love me from a distance.
And he says, oh, we should do this, we should do that. But we never do. His strings are still firmly in the ex-girlfriends hands. He'll write poems on the wall of the castle - signed from him, but not addressed to anyone. I can't figure out whether he's talking to me or to her. I sometimes wonder if it's real at all, if he really does love me or is only pretending to. It's hard to know, when he's so far away.
But I endure it. I always have. There is no point in causing a scene. It would change nothing, except perhaps people's perception of me. Not that I've ever cared. But it might change his perception too. So we communicate covertly, and I dream of other things. Amazing, how we can be so close, and yet, so far away.