For Naida's song (lyrics posted at the end)
Taming the Beast by jnharrow
I'm not a good man. I wasn't one when I stole that car and ended up in juvie, or during the years I sampled every mind altering substance I could lay my hands on.
The women who've known me would agree with my assessment...at least in the morning after I've left.
Religion isn't my salvation, though my family is devout. I always thought it was hypocritical when I heard the guy next to me muttering fervent whispered pleas to the sky. Spoken to a God whose army services he only attended to get out of duty, they lacked sincerity.
I've never prayed to a God I don't believe in on a mission I didn't think I'd return from. My faith resided in my men--my brothers--and when they weren't there, I relied on the strength and hard won skill of my own body.
I don't need my soul saved. I was never sure I had one to begin with, but if I did, it's probably long gone now. Someone with a soul couldn't do some of the things I've done for my country. I don't say in the name of my country, because the name of my country won't ever come into it. The things I do are both necessary and ugly and will never be associated with the uniform I sometimes wear.
I still wasn't a good man when I completed my last official army mission. My father's violent rage is housed inside me even now, but the army caged and channeled it, reforming it into a weapon for their use. I can't control it, but I can redirect it, save it for when it can be loosed on those who deserve it. Inside me, the animal still throws itself bodily at the bars, but outwardly, I am calm.
Despite my seeming control, for the longest time my life has been little more than a hell I couldn't escape, a nightmare from which I can't awaken. I am lies and death and darkness cloaked in the trappings of a wealthy, upstanding businessman. Women are drawn in by both my looks and money now, but soon shy away from the inner darkness they can somehow sense. This doesn't bother me. I've never cared to have them stay.
o o o
I can feel the beast straining as I hold my gun on the old lady, but she doesn't deserve its wrath. I wrestle it down and wait to spend it where it's warranted.
There's only one person alive who thinks I'm a good man…and selfishly I want to keep her. I need to find her.
She helps me through the nightmare. Unaware of what she's doing, she staves off the shadows all the same.
In her eyes, I am a hero. And I want to believe that what she sees is real.
I understand those faithless praying soldiers now. I'd pray for her properly if I remembered how. Instead my plea is wordless, formless, all-encompassing and directed at any diety that will listen. I put into it the soul that seems to have rekindled itself.
I've mustered all of my resources and all of my men and now all that's left is to hope that it's enough.
o o o
Her crumpled body falls from the cupboard into my arms. For a moment, I think she's gone.
Then she opens her beautiful blue eyes.
"I thought you were dead." I barely recognize my own voice it's so hoarse.
"I knew you'd find me," she says quietly.
I breathe again…
And the beast stills.
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Arrrgh. The formatting on this site drives me batty. THERE SHALL BE NO SPACES!! bleah.
Three Days Grace-Animal I have become
I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)
I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times i've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)