Well, this is a very short story that kind of just poured out of me. I got a this horrible longing all of a sudden for John to still be alive and this happened. Oh, I do wish Papa Winchester was still with us! I wouldn't say there's much spoiler, but there is a semi-observation from each eppy from CSPWDT to Croatoan. Enjoy & if you like it, let me know. : )
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.
Before
He watches them in the pale moonlight. The cemetery was cold but it was worth it. So worth it to see his boys. He couldn't tell them the truth now, maybe he would never be able to. He couldn't explain his choices and he couldn't explain the love he held for both of them. They would always be his little boys, and he wonders now why he never realized that before. Before…when there was time.
He watches them from the trees. Sam's body wracked with visions, Dean wracked with emotions because now he knows the truth. The truth did not set his oldest free, instead it hung him. He wishes he could help them, God knows they need it. He knows they miss him and that they're in pain. He can't do anything about that now, though and he cries.
He watches them from the apartment building across the street. He hasn't seen Jo in years, Ellen either and he's not sure he wants them around the boys. It's too late though. He just hopes they haven't said too much. He wants to explain what happened so many years ago but he can't and he hopes someday they'll know the truth. It wasn't his fault. Sometimes hunts go bad, there's nothing anyone can do to stop it. He wishes he could change it all, all of his past. He could give the boys the life they should have had. He wants to go back.
He watches Sam get the motel room alone. He knows Dean's locked up but he's got no doubt Sammy's got a plan. The one thing right about those boys was how much they cared for one another and he knows he really didn't have anything to do with that. Their proudest accomplishment was their bond, and they had built it alone. He wishes he knew them like they knew each other. Their favorite foods, songs, books, movies. But he doesn't and now he never will.
He watches the beautiful demon toy with Dean. The words she says are tearing his boy apart. He can't hear them but knows they must be horrible. Demons are liars and Dean should know that. It doesn't change the fact he cries alone in the dusty Impala before he gets Sam. The words may have been lies but they cut like a knife. He wants to tell Dean the truth and he almost does but in the darkness he stops. He can't talk to them, he can't. But God, he wants to.
He watches from the side of the road as they drive past, leaving this town in the dust. Croatoan was no coincidence and he knows Sam was being tested in some way. The Demon that killed Mary, that killed Jessica and all those innocent women, is behind everything but it's still so complicated. All his life he did nothing but chase after it, and it got him no where. He should have been with his boys, with Mary's boys. He wonders now why he never realized that before. Before…when there was time.