Dear Jonny,
This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write but I know when you find this and you find me. I will be gone. I know you will be full of questions about why I'm doing this and I wish I could tell you and give you all the answers that you need but I can't so I'm here writing this because I feel as if my final goodbye should be to you. I want you to know that this isn't your fault. Its mine. I know I shouldn't have pushed you away and I know I should have told you things. But I find it so hard to open up. Nothing matters anymore since you've been gone. Maybe I'm just depressed and should snap out of this but I haven't. Everyday just gets worse. Seeing you, working with you and not being able to hold you is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I pushed you away because I couldn't find the heart to tell you I may not possibly be able to have children. That's why I pushed you away because I know you want a family and I know there's a chance I wouldn't be able to give you that. So I let you go. And it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But know I did this for you. Because I want you to be happy. I want you to find someone that will love you and care for you in the way that I never could. Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault.
Love now and always.
Jac xx
Jac wiped away her tears as she folded the piece of paper in half before placing it inside an envelope. Sealing it shut. Before she turned it over and wrote Jonny on the front. She was going to leave it in a place she knew whoever would find her would pass it onto him. And he would read it. Before she picked up the bottle of vodka she had brought earlier in the evening along with a cocktail of drugs and pills.
Having saved Joseph from an overdose a few years ago Jac never thought for a spilt second she too would find herself in this position. But Joseph had overdosed due to the stress of his job. Jac however was because she was unstably suicidal and she had nothing left to live for. She'd pushed Jonny away and now she was paying the price for it.
She unscrewed the lid of the bottle before picking up the bag of pills. Before she took two gulps and swallowed a handful of pills. With a few more sips and a few more drugs. As she took them. She waited for them to take affect. She knew it wouldn't take long. And she was grateful for that. She took another hand full with another gulp. And this time she felt the affects coming. Slowly her vision became blurred.
Head pounding. She felt the urge to be sick. But wasn't as she took another gulp of alcohol. Her mind turning into blackness and she fell to the floor of her living room. As she waited for death to come...