Dear Nathan,
I'm sorry I don't have the guts to actually drop this off. I'm letting Mitchie do it for me. I know it's cowardly of me but ever since, you left I haven't been able to go near you. It's a problem I have.
I don't really care about how people think about me anymore. Isn't that great? I don't know the cause. Maybe it's because I have already cried about you, why have something else on my mind now? Or maybe, just maybe, it's because I already lost you so what else can I lose? My confidence?
Too late.
You know, I heard a song on the radio. It was about a boy, a boy that a girl missed. She has it so easy. You know, I have this fear, a phobia of sorts. It's not about spiders or even closed spaces.
It's about losing your memory. I'm so close to forgetting you. It's scary. Nate, I don't want to. I don't want to look at a picture to remember you. All your clothes lost your cologne. I have almost nothing now.
I'm so scared, Nate. It seems like you're a memory. A memory like Christmas when you're five. Almost impossible to remember.
Were you ever here at all? Were you just a dream and I'll wake up soon and all of you will be gone? As good as that sounds, I don't want that.
I want you. I want to be able to listen to sad love songs and smile because I had you and nothing would change. I was so ungrateful and now you left me, you left my life.
You're certainly not gonna read this but it comforts me to know that you'll have it. That you'll be the one that holds my feelings spilled out onto a plain sheet of notebook paper that's smudged with tears.
God, will the pain ever stop? Will the tears ever stop flowing? Will the memories stop stinging my heart? Nate, I don't wanna lose you.
I'm fine with you leaving me but as long as I remember you, it's okay. Nate, will I ever wake up and not remember you? Will the nickname Caity became just a nickname? Will the word Love just be a mystery to me? Will the name Nate be just a name?
You know, it's not because I'm scared of what love gave and took away. It's because I don't wanna move on. Moving on. It seems so easy for others.
But me and that girl on the radio...
We have it hard.
I'm running out of paper and the tears are smudging alot now. I guess this is the last time I will ever talk to you. Paper or not. I'll try to move on, Nate.
I'll try to smile again. I'll try to listen to a love song and not cry.
Just for you.
Goodbye, Nate.
Love,
Caity.
R.I.P. Nathaniel Black
1992-2009
His music, his love will carry on.