The dim glow from the television cast a bluish light around the dark living room of my villa, and another late hour of news was about to start. It was a rerun from the evening edition, but I was too tired to move from the couch and turn the damn thing off, so I just remained lying against the uncomfortable cushions with a sigh. The top stories hadn't changed in weeks. Full coverage of Meteor's aftermath, including nonstop footage of Midgar's ruins, survivor horror stories, and testimonials to the benevolent aid of ShinRa during the ordeal, was the only news nowadays. There was no mention of Aeris or Avalanche or anything other than Holy, because our story was not known. Part of me preferred it that way, but then sometimes when I would lie awake late at night watching the phony smiling anchor on the news spewing ShinRa propaganda, I would feel nothing but anger.
There was no question that Holy had prevented total destruction, shielding the planet from Meteor, but it was despicable that the media had turned the tragedy into a showpiece, a beacon of radiance to illuminate ShinRa's supposed "quick response" and "caring heart". It made me sick.
The truth was that after Meteor collided with Holy, the Highwind had been thrown from the sky and landed out in the swamps. As the force from the shockwave tore the ship apart around us, I grabbed onto Tifa and held her to me, purely out of instinct because I thought we would all be killed. When the spinning and noise both stopped and the dust had cleared, it was evident we were the only two who had escaped unharmed. Cid and Yuffie had been mangled in the debris and lay dead near me, twisted chunks of metal torn through their bodies. Barret, Red, and Vincent had all been superficially wounded with a few broken bones and split sections of skin, which they all shortly recovered from.
Shera was devastated by Cid's death and he was proclaimed a hero throughout Rocket Town, and Yuffie's body was sent back to Wutai for a proper burial. Her father fell into heavy depression and halted all contact with the world, living alone in his pagoda, last I knew. Barret returned to Corel, but after he heard that Kalm had been hit by the blast from Meteor and that Marlene was dead, he ceased caring about the world, heartbroken over her death. I haven't heard from him in a long time, though Tifa occasionally calls him just to catch up, though he never has anything to say.
Red went back to Cosmo Canyon after he recovered from the crash, vowing to protect it just like his father Seto had. Cait Sith's body was crushed by the fragmented hull of the Highwind, but I heard that Reeve was working with ShinRa to help rebuild Midgar. Vincent suffered a head wound so severe that he lost all memories. Though the trauma was not debilitating – he could still walk and talk – his long-term memory was completely cleared. His disposition changed dramatically and he always seems so much happier now. A few letters he's written implied that he's working with ShinRa again, helping with the reconstruction.
Tifa and I had no where to really go home to, so we stayed in my villa together in Costa del Sol. After I had literally shielded her with my body during the crash, awkward tension and silence would sometimes come between us unexpectedly, though she never once spoke of the way she had clutched me tight as the Highwind spiraled downward to the ground. Despite the brief moments of odd anxiety that frequently intruded on us, there persisted a deeper unspoken connection that I attributed to the fact that we had both survived so much together. Something special, unnamable, exists between two people who've lived through a traumatic episode of their lives with one another. I knew she would always be there for me, as I was always there for her.
But a few weeks had passed, and at that moment I lay lethargic on the sofa, watching the news at 2am with the volume low because Tifa was asleep in the next room over. Some journalist was commenting on the Mako reactors, informing viewers that all would be shut down by next week with ShinRa's "sincerest wishes" that the "unwise" decision to invest in Mako energy would never be repeated in future generations because "the Lifestream must remain strong." I felt sick to my stomach and violently angry.
And then the journalist added, "Despite the extensive damage done and the lives lost, we can all thank Holy for preventing the worst."
That was all we ever heard – Holy had done this and that and saved us all and ShinRa was the other knight in shining fucking armor. At times like this, I could do nothing but sit and feel my blood boil through my bones because there was no mention of Aeris, no blame placed on Sephiroth, no fingers pointing at people like Hojo and Rufus Shinra. And the public swallowed it all up. They believed Holy was the natural reaction of the planet, that no materia had been involved.
So what about Aeris? What about her sacrifice? And yet I couldn't bear to come forward and divulge the truth to the masses. I didn't want to include myself in ShinRa's machine of false sympathies and public manipulation. But what about the ordeal my friends and I had gone through? We were the ones responsible for stopping Sephiroth. Did it mean nothing?
It set me off, and I found myself craving recognition for myself and my friends, but mostly for Aeris. Yet the news only spoke of Holy.
And every time I thought of Holy, I thought of Aeris, and that guilt, that anger would immediately spread through me because I hated that she was dead. I hated even more that I had allowed her to die.
So I avoided the subject altogether. I never talked about Aeris, or thought about Aeris until that fucking TV had to mention Holy and then Aeris popped into my head with her sad emerald eyes staring... Always staring.
She's asking me why I didn't save her, telling me that I was supposed to be her bodyguard. Her protector. But I only want to laugh to fend off her cruelty, because I know she never loved me. Her attraction to me was only to the shadow of Zack, the reminder of him that I gave her, nothing more.
But the more the journalist talked, the angrier I got, though I couldn't bring myself to turn the fucking thing off! Aeris kept smiling at me, a fake seductive gesture. She never loved me. She was a lie. She loved Zack, and not me.
"Holy cushioned the planet from Meteor and was able to save us all," the man in the screen continued with a grin. He knew the pain he was causing me. The hot anger transforming into the indescribable rage...
I sat up, feeling my pulse quicken. Her green eyes, like pools of the Lifestream itself, stared from every darkened corner of the living room, always asking why I didn't save her.
And the cold truthful answer was that I didn't want to save her. I never wanted to save her. Yes, I loved her, but she was only using me for her pleasure because she missed Zack. That's right. When you knelt on that altar, smiling with those acidic eyes closed so peacefully, I knew that you only wanted Zack and not me. And I hated you for that. I hated you for dying. I couldn't save you, but I didn't truly want to.
The TV was still on and I went into the bathroom to wash my face with cold water, trying to calm down. But her eyes followed me down the hall. Her beautiful brown hair was swirling around me. Her smile... Her laughter... She was reaching her hand out to me. I didn't want her to touch me despite the longing in my bones. I wanted her, I needed her, but she never wanted to return the favor. She had always been playing with me because I was a version of Zack's stolen identity. And she loved Zack. Not me.
Turning on the cold water, I cupped the cool liquid in my hands and threw it on my face. Anger continued burning deep within me and I squeezed my eyes shut.
My thoughts made no sense because her laughter was entangled throughout them. Her sweet scent filled the vacant spots in my memory. She became alive again, as she always does when I think about her. And I began feverishly rinsing the water over my face again and again. I needed to rid my mind of this witch. She was dead and gone, but I couldn't stop thinking about her. Her eyes kept staring, like two huge lime moons, and asking - she's always asking - why didn't I save her? I didn't want to!
I looked up into the mirror above the sink. The only light was coming from the television in the other room, a hideous bluish gleam on my face, highlighting the shadows. The dull blue glow from my eyes was the only truly visible feature.
Blue eyes... Not green... Not green at all... I loved you and yet you smiled and played along, knowing you did not return my love. I hate you for dying. I hate myself for not saving you...but I felt just the slightest smile spread across my face when I watched you fall.
Maybe you are finally with him...with Zack, your true love.
I slammed my fist into the mirror, the glass shattering in an instant, cracking in a huge spider web. Blood immediately gushed from my cut knuckles and the cracks fell right across my eyes in the reflection. Blue, and that damn green staring from behind my shoulder.
"Cloud? What's going on?" Tifa snapped on the lights. She must have heard me break the glass.
Immediately my blood cooled. My mind was brought back down to earth as my eyes met Tifa's. Her eyes were a deep reddish shade. Not green at all, but a beautiful garnet. I sighed, feeling relief as Aeris retreated from my mind and my attention grasped this new stimulus.
"Tifa," I exhaled, "I'm sorry I woke you..."
"What the hell did you do to the mirror?" She was the angry one now, her eyes flashing a deep blood color. I loved that color more than anything.
"I was angry..." I admitted, looking down at my bleeding knuckles.
She yawned sleepily and crossed her arms over her chest, "Well, you woke me up! Next time you're angry, go for a walk or something instead of smashing our mirror!" Then she turned and immediately headed back into the bedroom.
"Tifa, you're great," I wanted to say, but that awkward tension between us kept me mute, and I simply watched her walk away.
She was tired and all she wanted was sleep. It was so simple, I loved it! She had no green eyes following her.
"I'll replace the mirror tomorrow!" I yelled to her as she shut the bedroom door.
Walking back into the living room, I saw the TV was still on, but a commercial was playing. I was sick of watching the news anyway and switched it off, holding my injured hand against my stomach. Sleep would wash away everything. Those eyes can't follow me when I'm unconscious. Slowly, I opened the bedroom door and tiptoed through the darkness, careful not to wake Tifa.
"I'm already awake, so you might as well turn on the light so you don't trip on anything." Her voice cut through the darkness, but it was sweet. I didn't mind being cut by it, like I didn't mind being cut by the knives in the kitchen because I always felt better afterward.
Flipping on the light, I saw Tifa with the pillow shoved firmly over her head and I had to laugh. She made no movement, but spoke, her voice kind though annoyed, "I'm trying to get some sleep..."
I crawled into my own bed, just wanting to fall asleep fast so I could forget it all. We had separate beds, which I never gave much thought since I had never imagined sleeping with Tifa before. It had simply never occurred to me since Aeris was always swimming around in my head.
But Tifa had made me forget all about Aeris and those emerald holes. Tifa could rid my mind of the poison Aeris infected me with. I wanted Aeris and I could never have her, so I was trapped in that cycle of guilt and brutally honest hatred. Yet Tifa had acted as my antidote.
I switched off the lights and lay silently in bed, thinking about Tifa. The anger was gone in her presence, completely evaporated, and it was strange that I hadn't noticed before how she seemed to make everything better. But I could not imagine moving away from those green bulbs that hung in my memory, always stuck to the walls of my vision. Those lush green eyes... I could never forget them. Not yet.
Decent sleep had been eluding me for the weeks following Meteor, but that night I slept more soundly that ever before, dreaming of a deep blood red color washing away that haunting emerald green.