THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACKWARDS
Just a bit of nonsense I wrote once.
------------------------
Han was flying the Falcon in space
while Leia was watching a podrace
Threepio came in the room
and whacked the princess with a broom
"Oh!" cried Leia with a shout of rage
"Haven't you learned anything in your old droid age?"
"Got a problem?" Han said
as Threepio exited like a piece of lead
Out on Death Star in his comfy space station
Darth Vader prepared for his time of relaxation
"This is the life," Vader sighed with a grin
with a plop he sat down on an open safety pin.
Vader let out a bloodcurdling shriek
which was heard over the space station for over a week
He flew off the pin like a firing turbolaser
and landed with a thud on the emperor's razor.
"Why can't the guy keep this place neat?"
Vader growled as he got to his black-booted feet.
No sooner had he done just that
when an AT walker clomped in and mashed him flat.
Peeling himself like a banana peel up off the floor
He took huge bouncing hops out a plasteel door.
Whooping and yelling he did handsprings down halls
and executed cartwheels off durasteel walls.
While the Death Star personnel watched their crazy dark lord
the emperor sauntered in looking awfully bored.
"My my," he said in a voice filled with dread
"The Dark Side is making him go nuts in the head."
Luke took off in his X-wing fighter
and burnt his hand on a cigarette lighter.
Losing control the X-wing dropped from the sky
"Oh well," Luke said, "I'm gonna die."
Vaulting out of his plummeting ship
he took a jump and did a kip.
Skyrocketing down from hyperspace
he landed on a planet with a flip of grace.
Luke groaned and dropped to his knees
As the X-wing mowed down a row of pine trees.
"Now I'm on some planet and lost
and I dunno how much repairs will cost."
Back in space by Tatooine
Han and Leia were acting mean
"That's my sandwich I want it for lunch!"
"It's mine!" protested Leia as she let loose a punch.
Han fell backwards over a chair
ruining Leia's poofed-up hair.
Chewie gave a growling laugh
and thought his friend had really gone daft.
"Take us out of orbit," Han said
and thwacked the princess on her head.
As the Falcon went faster and faster
Han was playing with his action figures and a toy blaster.
"I got you Sith lord!" he cried with glee.
"Yikes!" screamed Leia, "Look out, a flea!"
"Chewie," said Han, "have you got fleas?"
"Rwhhhhfff," growled Chewie as he let out a sneeze.
"Oh that's swell," said Han, "he's got a cold instead."
"Yep," agreed Leia, shaking her head.
"Well stay away from me," said Han, "I don't need to get sick."
"Me neither," said Leia, "Or I'll give you a kick."
Then as 3 star destroyers dropped out of hyperspace
Leia frowned and made a face
"Oh no," she said, "Imperial ships."
"Yeah," muttered Han, "Here, want some chips?"
"Those are Imperial ships, Han, do you know what that means?"
"What?" said Han. "Did you say you liked my new jeans?"
"No," they look really bad on you!" Leia yelled at him.
"We are going to get killed, are you really that dim?"
"With me at the controls, you don't need to worry,
We'll be out of here, in one short hurry.
I'll just pull back on this lever and we'll go lightspeed in a spin,"
Han said as he flashed her an overconfident grin.
With a careless laugh he pushed down on the lever,
for the Falcon to enter hyperspace in an easy endeavor.
The ship only gave a very loud creak.
Han shouted, "What, the brakes are out, I got them repaired just last week!"
Leia glared at him, "Look hotshot, now we're done,
here come those star destroyers, fun, fun, fun!"
"What happened?" said Han, I don't understand!"
Then the star destroyers opened fire like an orchestra band.
Fear and terror filled Leia's face,
and Han's can of pop dumped all over the place.
"Sit back," Han said as Leia stepped on his toe,
"Just take it easy and enjoy the show."
"Be serious!" shouted Leia, grabbing his wrist.
"In a few more minutes, we'll cease to exist!"
"My deflectors are the best," he boasted, "they're overly strong,"
But as the ship jerked forward Han knew he was wrong.
Leia gave him that I-told-you-so stare,
and Han ran a hand through his sticking-up hair
As the ship twisted and groaned like a broken crutch
Han knew he had bragged a little too much
"Well," said Han, we can look at it two good ways-
Either we'll get captured and tortured, or destroyed in a blaze."
"You have such a way of reassuring me," Leia angrily said.
"Don't I always?" said Han, shaking his head.
"Do something!" Leia panicked, "We can't even fly!"
"Big deal," said Han, "We're only going to die!"
"I wonder if the alliance shall hear of our fate."
""Maybe," said Han, "That would be great."
"Here's a bit of optimism, we need some," he said.
"In one more minute, we're all gonna be dead!"
"On my mark," said the captain in the star destroyer, "Prepare to fire."
"I can't," said the trooper, "I've gotta go to choir!"
"They have practice on Saturdays?" the captain glared.
"Of course they do," the trooper blared.
"Well, prepare the tractor beam to draw 'em in,
rebelling against the Empire is an unforgivable sin."
Then as the Falcon slowed down to a crawl
Han jumped up and smacked the wall
"Come on ship," he shouted, "you can do it!"
Then in the dull engines a fire was lit.
The Falcon went into supralight speed
and Han and Leia gaped at this astonishing deed.
"We're saved!" a much-relieved princess Leia sang.
"Yeah, though it was kinda fun, thinking we were about to go bang."
As Luke was thinking about his ship and staring at the pines,
in flew a 747 from the united airlines.
"Wahoo, it must be my lucky day.
Now let's see if I've got some pay."
So Luke rode the airlines back home,
giving everyone a call that he'd be late on his cell phone.
"Now Vader," said the Emperor with a scathing glare
"Just why were you doing all those gymnastics back there?"
"Well, my master, I was bored."
said the tireless, fearless, powerful Dark Lord.
"If you do it again, you'll abdicate your position."
"Really," said Vader. "Without your permission."
"Has all that thick black plastic made you dense?
Maybe you need to visit the doctor to teach you some sense."
"Now look," Vader said, making a fist,
"You're the one that needs to see a psychiatrist."
He stormed out of the dark metal room
and slammed the door on the emperor with a reverberating boom.
And so the characters in SW went about their bizarre ways
Making no sense 'till the end of their days.