Sesha held her books close to her chest as she climbed the stairs at her high school. Senior year basically stunk.
"Hey, SESHA!" Nadia Richardson yelled from the end of the hallway.
"Hi," Sesha managed to fake a smile.
"So, how's it going?" Nadia had quickly turned into one of Sesha's best friends since the incident turned into one of Sesha's best friends since the incident when Bill was killed two years prior. -She still hadn't forgotten or recovered.
"It's alright, I guess," Sesha replied half-heartedly.
"What's wrong? You seem sad."
"Just thinking," Sesha shrugged her shoulders.
"About what?"
"Who?-Actually. Bill Kaulitz, a singer."
"Oh?" Nadia raised her eyebrows, suggesting that Sesha and this guy were together.
"It's not like that. I mean, it was, but," Sesha shook her head, choking back tears, "he got killed in a car accident. I was, actually, uh, with him."
"How come you've never talked about him?"
"It makes me feel bad? I don't really know."
"Oh!" Nadia exclaimed, "from Tokio Hotel? You and him-? Oh, wow."
Nadia attempted to hide the face that she had talked some pretty serious trash about him.
"Yeah, and he was pretty much the coolest person I'd ever met in my existence," she hugged her books again.
Nadia heard Sesha sniffle, she was crying.
"Did you love him?"
"Yeah, I did. And it's my fault he's dead," Sesha wiped her face, trying to hide the tears.
"What do you mean your fault?"
"If I had never went to that concert he would still be alive," she shook her head in disbelief.
"Do you want a hug?" Nadia offered.
Sesha shook her head," no. I've got to go. Journalism and Miss Nelson will butcher me if I'm tardy again."
"Alright, well. See you later."
"Alright."
Sesha made her way to the girl's bathroom. She realized that she hadn't even talked about Bill since the accident. She didn't even go to his funeral. She hadn't talked to Gustav or Georg, not even Tom. Was Scotti even okay? Sesha watched her reflection while she carefully reapplied her eyeliner. She also realized- she hadn't cried since he died.
"You know, I really miss you," Sesha announced solemnly, "and I don't know if you can hear me, I have no clue what happens after you die. I'm glad I went to that stupid concert. I'm glad Elesea drug me there. -I have your jacket. You can come back and get it-if you want. I'd miss it though. I mean the way it smells, anyway." She glanced at her feet and felt fresh tears in her eye, "who am I kidding? You're never coming back. Hey, maybe I should get with Gustav or something. Or maybe I'm just supposed to be alone."
Sesha reached into her bag, grabbing the bottle of pills that lay on the bottom. If her parents knew she was on drugs, they'd flip. It wasn't like the pills were a problem, they made her feel better. She began to cry again, imagining the conversation she and Bill would have if he knew.
"How are you?" She would put her arms around his neck, trying to hold the medicine still in her pocket.
"It's all good," the accent wouldn't be so weird anymore and he would've taken up some of her slang terms.
"Sesha, we need to talk." Oh no! He knew!
"What?" It would be alright. She would have it under control. Lie. No, she couldn't lie to him.
"I know you're on drugs." He wouldn't be mad…yet, "I want you to give them to me."
"No," she would do what she did best, yell at him, and jerk away from him.
"Sesha, you're killing yourself!"
"No! I'm not! Leave me ALONE!"
"Sesha, please."
"Shut up! God, you make me so mad."
"Is that you or the medication talking?" he would ask. She wouldn't be able to respond, "I thought so." His smile would be fake and he would be thoroughly disappointed in her.
Sesha opened the bottle and put two pills in her mouth. Or was it three? She couldn't focus. This was all Bill's fault. If he hadn't died, she would be fine. He went and died, and she was a mess. It was all his fault. He died. She was a mess because of him.