Disclaimer: I do not own any of the original characters of the Twilight series or the movie Beauty and the Beast. No copyright infringement is intended. This is for entertainment purposes only, not for financial gain.
Author's Note: Okay ladies and any gents who happen to stumble across this…this one is just for fun and a bit of a laugh. I don't foresee updating on a regular basis, but rather when I'm feeling the writer's block or when one of my kids' shows irritate me enough to inspire a bit more hilarity. Please take it within the spirit it was intended and just have fun. This is probably the closest to a crackfic that I'll ever write, since I'm not usually funny when I sit down and TRY to be! LOL!
Also, since this is purely for fun, I'm not going to burden a beta with it, so expect it to have a few errors that I didn't catch myself. This will be rated M for some foul language. I don't anticipate lemons, but I never rule them out. You never know what my mind might come up with…although I can't imagine a scenario where kids shows and lemons might mix….then again, I might expand beyond the genre of kids shows if inspiration strikes.
At any rate, I hope you enjoy it for the laugh that it is intended to provide. Let me know what you think if you have the time and inclination!
Dreaming Beauty and the Beast
"Awe shit, not Beauty and the Beast again!" I said as I realized I was standing in the front lawn of the Beast's castle…AGAIN. This was getting ridiculous.
I know, I know. What can I say? I'm a thirty year old stay at home mom with a highly suggestive psyche. I've always been this way. I see a show before bed, I dream about it. Someone walks by humming a tune and the next thing I know, I'm humming it for the next fifteen minutes. I don't go near one of those hypnosis seminars with a ten foot pole because, knowing me, they'd probably have me clucking like a chicken and signing away my life's savings in the first fifteen minutes.
This really wasn't so bad in my earlier years when I watched Titanic for the hundredth time in college and spent a nice night running around the ship with Leo for a few hours and thankfully woke up after the sex in the car, but before the ship began to sink. Even in recent years, the delicious David Boreanaz has starred in more than one lovely dream after a late night showing of Bones. I kind of liked being Brennan for a few hours.
Things all started to change when I had kids and then they got old enough to start watching movies and TV shows. Suddenly my sexy late night rendezvous with Hollywood hotties got replaced by animated singing characters under various curses or were just annoying because they were written that way.
"Why, oh why did they have to watch Beauty and the Beast this afternoon? I read three chapters of Twilight this morning. Couldn't I, for once, get a nice Edward dream? Come on! I'm begging you, Sandman, bring me a freaking dream that doesn't make me want to bleach my brain or start eating straight coffee grounds in order to keep from dreaming!"
I looked around with a sigh, starting to get a chill from the stormy night around me. I sighed, tugging Belle's cloak tighter around me. "Oh well, at least it's not Yo Gabba Gabba, talk about your trippy shows to find yourself stuck in!"
I stumbled up the massive brick stairs to the front door, pushing it open with a resounding creek. It was dark and quiet inside the cavernous entryway, as always. I pushed my way in yelling out a 'hello,' as I heard shuffling across the room. I squinted in that direction to see what on earth was over there. I didn't remember anything being there before. When my eyes focused, I could see Lumiere hopping toward me quickly before looking up at me in confusion.
"Excuse me, who are you, and what in the hell is happening here?"
I stood staring. I recognized that voice, or at least, how I imagined that voice to sound. "Um…I…I don't know. You don't sound right. You're supposed to have a French accent."
"A what? Are you tripping or something? I go hunting with my brothers and the next thing I know I pass out just before I grabbed me a delicious looking grizzly and wake up as…as this!" He held up the candlestick arms as his face looked disgusted.
"Emmett?" I yelped…I knew the voice sounded right but…how…this didn't…compute.
"Yes! How the hell do you know who I am? I've never seen you before."
I shuffled nervously, shifting away as the flames at the tip of his candles burst higher in his frustration.
"Um, well, uh, this is my dream. You see, I uh, I tend to dream about things I see or read a lot and, well, uh, my kids watched the movie Beauty and the Beast, but I had been hoping to dream of you guys since I had read Twilight this morning. I guess my subconscious combined the two?"
"What the hell are you talking about? How the hell can you READ twilight, and what does that have to do with me and my family?"
"Well, Emmett, there's a book about your family, called Twilight. You see, you don't really exist. You are all figments of Stephanie Meyer's imagination. You are a character in a book, Emmett."
He hopped back a few steps, frowning at me. "Like Hell I am! Send me back! Put me back in my body right now, you crazy bitch!"
Just as his last words echoed through the vestibule, a few more characters shuffled bewilderedly from the shadows. All of their questions revolving around a single theme…
"What in the world just happened?" Esme asked as her rounded teapot body hopped toward Emmett. "I was cleaning the floors and then I just passed out and woke up here."
More characters slowly trickled in, Rosalie was the feather duster, to which Emmett immediately began to try to fondle. Jake was the footstool dog, which I found especially humorous. Alice was, ironically enough, the huge wardrobe, and Jasper was the skinny coat rack. Carlisle shuffled in as Cogsworth, complete with a confused expression. The only one missing was Edward, but his presence was only lacking for a moment before we heard a roar and a deep, gravelly voice booming from an upstairs hallway.
"What is happening around this place, and why the hell am I dressed as something we would hunt?!" Seconds later his hulking furry form bounded from the balcony overlooking the vestibule down to our level, his breaths heaving as he dug his claws in, glaring around the room, his eyes finally settling on me.
"It's all her fault," Emmett taunted, pointing his waxy arm in my direction. "She's a dreamwalker and she's pulled all of us into this freaking kid's story."
"I'm a what?" I squeaked, completely confused.
"And apparently completely human and oblivious to powers," he continued with a roll of his eyes as he swatted a flameless candle arm at his wife's feathers. "She thinks that we're characters in a book."
They all laughed as they shuffled toward one another, only Jake staying near me, obviously uncomfortable with the situation. I looked around slowly in confusion.
"Well, where's Bella and Nessie?"
"Who?" everyone asked at once.
"Um, Edward's wife and daughter?"
Silence filled the room as they all looked at me. Edward pushed his way forward. "You are insane and I'm sick of this. Send us back, now!" He bellowed in my face, his eyes narrowed in hatred.
"B…but…don't you…aren't you worried about Bella and Ness? They have to be around here somewhere."
He growled, backing me against the wall. "I do not, have not, nor shall I ever have a wife, and certainly not a daughter, you mad woman. Just send us the fuck home!"
My eyes grew wider before I cocked my head in confusion. "Whoa! You just cussed at me. You never cuss."
The family scoffed behind me. I guess while the names and the characterizations were the same, these Cullens were definitely different from what I was used to.
Edward grew angrier, his huffing breaths blowing my long brown hair. "Send us back, NOW!"
I gasped, laying my hand over my heart. "I would if I could, I promise. I just don't know how! Trust me, I don't want to be reliving Beauty and the Best for the tenth time this month, but my kids are on a kick and it just seeps in!"
He stepped away, his shoulders slumping. "Fine, it's useless. I'm going to go see if I can take a nap since I'm not in a vampire body and wait for little miss can't control her powers to wake up."
He turned and bounded up the stairs to disappear once more in the shadows of the upper level the sound of shattering furnishings echoing behind him. The family all watched him with a sigh.
"Don't let him upset you, dear," Esme said, hopping up to my feet. "He's my moody child. He doesn't take situations he can't control very well. He does have a very good point. Why don't we all just relax and see how this plays out?"
Carlisle hopped up next to her, settling one of his wooden decorative arms on her basin. "I agree, dear. How about we all go sit in the parlor? We can discuss this and see if we can come up with any ideas how to manage this."
I followed the strange collection of household furnishings as we made our way toward a large lounge with a brightly burning fire. They offered me the plush seat right in front of the warm heat, since they seemed not to be affected by the cold in their current forms, either. Just as I got settled, Alice turned to Jasper.
"Jazzy, can you sense anyone's feelings?"
He shook his head no; his spindly wooden arms rose as if to say he didn't know.
"My power isn't working either. I'm guessing the same is true of Edward, which is another reason he was so cross. Please try not to hold it against him. He really is a decent guy."
I sighed, rubbing my arms to help speed the warming of my extremities. "I know. He'll come around eventually. I have a question though, why do you keep calling me a dreamwalker? Is that one of the vampire abilities or something?"
They all looked distressed before looking to Carlisle who shifted uncomfortably on the mantle. "Um…I'm sorry, I don't think I caught your name."
I blushed a little, feeling bad for not having the common courtesy of introducing myself. "Sorry, I'm Jennifer, but everyone calls me Jen."
He nodded in acknowledgement. "Jen, how do you know so much about us?"
They all shifted uncomfortably as I told them about the novel series that they originated from and the things I knew about their personalities from the pages of my beloved Saga. They knew nothing of Bella or Nessie, and were also quite tickled by Edward being described as polite and virtuous. I gathered he was still a virgin, technically, but he had learned a lot from the Denali coven in preparation for the day he found a mate, but refused to take the final step with any of them. He also cursed often and tended to be much moodier and brutish than Stephenie characterized him.
"This writer must be a seer of sorts," Carlisle hypothesized as he paced the long mantle between his wife and the other edge. "She must have seen us and written us, but adjusted us to meet her needs and added a love interest for Edward. Lord knows he needs someone. He's on the edge of losing his mind."
I smiled, settling back in my chair shaking my head. "Stephenie is a Mormon, so she might have adjusted his personality to fit her sensibilities, but Bella's his soul mate. Maybe if she's a seer, she just wrote something that hasn't happened yet."
Just as we were about to explore the idea some more, a wailing noise echoed in the room above us. I looked around apologetically. "Sorry, the baby's awake. It seems our chat is over."
Seconds later my eyes blinked open to stare at the cream colored textured ceiling in my bedroom as the wails of my little girl echoed from the monitor on the headboard. I crinkled my eyebrows as I remembered bits and pieces of my dream the night before. That was definitely the most creative dream I'd ever had. I laughed, rolling my eyes at my own silliness.
"I wonder if my silly dreams indicate some kind of mental disorder." I mumbled to myself as I tossed the blankets aside to go get my daughter while my husband continued to saw logs next to me on the bed, never even hearing her cries.
Author's Note: Right now I plan to have a different story that they are inserted into with each new chapter. I don't intend to update regularly, but I figure I'll probably end up posting about once a month or so if you guys seem to be enjoying it. Thanks to the gals who I let pre-read this chapter to make sure it was as funny as it seemed to me. Sometimes I'm the only one laughing in a room, and I wanted to make sure this wasn't one of those times before I posted. Hope you guys enjoyed and will check them out as my twisted little brain continues to create more mayhem!