You sit down in the residence lounge and begin to untie your shoelaces. Today had been a long, strange, emotional day. You're glad it's over, that you've made it through but then you feel his presence beside you. "No, no," You whisper to yourself and you close your eyes. If you close your eyes you won't see him, you won't be seeing dead people, but you still feel him, you can feel his energy. "You can't be here. I have to move on." You say the words as if you are talking to him but you're only talking to yourself. "I love you and I will always love you but I have to move on." You say those words again; move on, "That's why I had that patient today, that's why I helped save his life so I wouldn't have to feel guilty anymore." You try and justify your actions make yourself believe them. "And I can move on, so please you have to go?"
"Go where?"
Alex's voice breaks into your thoughts, you hadn't heard him come in, you thought you were alone. You open your eyes and look at him.
"Are you okay?"
He asks you the question and you smile at him, you use the smile to buy some time, a second to work out what to say. "Yes." You're not okay, but he doesn't need to know that. You reach for him and give him a kiss. You let yourself feel him and try to believe your own words. "I am totally okay. I'm fine, everything is fine." You pull away from him a little but you keep smiling. "I have to change but I'll meet you at the bar okay." You keep smiling at him as he walks away and then you stand up. "Okay." You say to yourself and you close your eyes again. You shake your head at the lie you just told him, you don't want to lie to him but you told him you wouldn't go crazy, you don't want him to know you're seeing Denny. You try and tell yourself you're okay, make yourself believe it but then you feel it again. You feel the energy Denny seems to exude and you slowly turn your head, you open your eyes and he is there.
"Are you sure you're okay?" He asks.
You don't say anything you just stare at him and he smiles at you, that smile used to make you melt, it still makes you melt but you still don't say anything. You can't say anything, he's not really there, he's dead, you know that but you're still seeing him and now he's talking to you. Before he never said anything he was just there. You close your eyes again and will him to go away.
One, two, three, you count the seconds in your head, you plan to count to ten and then open them again but when you get to seven you feel your pager begin to vibrate. You open your eyes and look down at it, you're expecting it to be Alex wanting to know what is take you so long but it is not Alex, you're being paged 911 to Mr Norris' room.
You curse to yourself and then take off at a run. You use the stairs to reach the next floor and then sprint the corridors of the ICU, you reach Mr Norris's room and come to a halt. It is full of people and his monitors are blearing. A code team is assembled and they're waiting for your orders.
"Dr. Stevens." Someone yells and then everyone is screaming, you're screaming giving orders telling everyone what to do. You pull the paddles off the crash cart and apply then to his chest. You order him to be shocked once but it doesn't help, you're about to make the call again but then someone is pulling them away from you. The cardio fellow has been paged as well and he's telling you to step back, he's telling you you're not supposed to be there, that he's got it from now.
You don't want to leave though and you find yourself bending over at his bedside. "Come on Michael fight!" you find yourself yelling at him and you wrap your hand around his. "Fight!" In the commotion you don't hear the call, you don't hear the 'Clear,' and the next thing you know you're muscles have gone ridged and you're being thrown backwards.
You hit the grown hard but you don't feel it, you see it. You're no longer in your own body but standing beside it. You watch as the fellow yells, "What just happened?" and tells someone to check on you.
"She's not breathing." You hear someone yell. "I can't feel a pulse." You're dead but then you already knew that, why else would you be standing beside your own body.
"Start CPR and get another crash team in here." The fellow orders and then he returns his attention back to Mr Norris who is still coding.
You watch as someone begins applying chest compressions to your body, you don't feel them, you don't feel anything and then you do. The energy, that same energy you'd been feeling all day when you saw Denny comes again but this time it is so much stronger. Slowly you turn towards it and Denny is there, he is standing beside you and this time he reaches out to touch you. He places his hand on your arm and this you feel, you feel him touching you.
"Denny." You say his name and let a smile fall across your face. He smiles back at you but then he opens his mouth. He starts to talk to you but what he says is not what you were expecting. He doesn't tell you he loves you, he doesn't tell you he misses you, instead he asks.
"Izzie what are you doing here?"
You look back at him confused, you don't understand why he's asking you this, you think this is what he'd want but then. "I love you." You hope those three words ,that one explanation is enough but it's not. He smiles at you and shakes his head.
"I know." He tells you. "I love you too but this isn't where you are meant to be."
"No," You say the words with somewhat defiance. Everything from the day starts playing back to you. You want to move on, you thought you had moved on but you haven't, not really, all day you've been seeing him, you've been wanting him and now. "I want you," you say. He smiles at you and nods.
"I know, but you can't."
You look back at him, confused. "Why?" you ask.
"Because," he starts telling you, "we're not meant to be together."
"What?" You take a step back from him.
"I love you and you made the last months of my life the happiest they could have been but we are not meant to be together."
"Denny." You have no idea what he is saying, why he is saying it. "I can't move on, I thought I had but, I keep seeing you."
"I know, I'm sorry." He reaches out for you and you let him touch you. "I had to make sure you were okay. And you weren't okay. I wanted to help you, I wanted to make you okay. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come."
You turn away from him and watch yourself. A crash cart had finally arrived, and there was a team of people around you, someone was cutting away your shirt and sticking pads to your chest.
"Izzie," You hear Denny talking to you again. "You love me and you will always love me. I know that and that is okay but you have to move on. I want you to move on and you can move on. I saw you with Alex, he cares about you, and he can make you happy. I want you to be happy."
You listen to Denny but you don't look at him, you're watching yourself, they're charging the defibrillator.
"Clear," someone yells and you turn back to Denny.
"Goodbye Izzie," He tells you. "I promise, I'll stop hunting you, I don't want to stop you being happy."
And then he was gone and you're laying on the ground. You're back in your own body and gasping for air. It was over and you feel the air in the room relaxing. Mr Norris is stable again and you're okay too.
"Dr. Stevens how do you feel?" Someone asks you.
"I'm okay, I'm totally okay." You tell them. "I'm fine, everything is fine."
You use your hands to push yourself up. You sit for a moment to make sure you're right and then you stand up.
"Dr Stevens, you should really lay down for a while." Someone calls as you start to walk away.
"I can't, I have to go somewhere."
You walk back to the lounge and change quickly, you'd thought for a moment about just going straight to the bar but the cool air bites at your chest through your open top. You pull the clean clothes on and run out the hospital.
At the bar Alex sits drinking a beer. He smiles when he sees you walking over to him. You smile back at but don't say anything. For a moment you just stare at each other and then you grab hold of him, you kiss him long and hard. When you pull back he is smiling at you.
"What was that for?" He asks.
"I just needed to feel you." You tell him and you sit down beside him. You reach for his drink and take a long sip. You'll tell him about everything later you think to yourself.