Disclaimer: To prevent Michael Bay from sending his angry army of lawyers after me, I hereby declare that I absolutely have nothing to do with Transformers and I will not mention Michael's name in its entirety anywhere in this script (I repeat, THIS script, which excludes this disclaimer). Not that I'm scared of him, you know. Michael Bay is a great fellow, in that he, unlike those other arrogant and pompous big-name directors, actually took time to reply to (negative) film reviews (in an embarrassingly childish manner). No, I'm not concerned, and stop repeating that your movie had the biggest opening weekend of non-sequels in film history, Michael. You and I both know that it was marketed as a sequel to the 1986 movie.
Warning: Although I suppose you already know of this, this article is over 7000 words long. It also contains curse words. It's probably insulting you and hence unfunny. And trashing over your favorite movie. In other words, excessive to complete reading into this article has been historically proven to induce unintended side effects, including, but not limited to, tendinitis, carpal tunnel syndrome, skin irritation, eyestrain, heart attacks, back pains, twenty STDs, and the loss of a loved one. Also, you alone are liable for any permanent injuries due to any further reading into this article and/or neglect of this notice, because the sheer existence of this notice has absolved me of any responsibility. IN YOUR FACE.
TRANSFORMERS: THE REDUCED SCRIPT
FADE IN:
INT. DARK ROOM, HIDDEN SPACE STATION ORBITING THE EARTH
A short FIGURE has boarded onto the view platform of the station. It walks up and bows down to another figure, which is watching the planet EARTH from above.
FIGURE I: (with an obvious British accent) Royalty, the operation was a success! We have achieved the objective of manipulating the anthropoid S. Spielberg into hiring the Hollywood antichrist M. Bay!
FIGURE II slowly turns to the previous figure. A shred of sunlight, escaping the eclipse of the orbited planet, illuminates his form at this precise moment. It is BEAST WARS MEGATRON.
MEGATRON: (in sinister laughter) Excellent. When that vile source-rapist is employed, I will be, again, a step closer to my total triumph! Yes...Bay's detestable interpretation of filmmaking will, why of course, give rise to a historic cinema catastrophe that is otherwise known as the Transformer film! When the product is finally exposed to the Earth population, no one can stop me! Yessssss...
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN OUTER SPACE
OPTIMUS PRIME narrates some important stuff about some CUBE. We know this is important because it will lead to some GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS.
AUDIENCE: Hey, the shot of the Earth actually lasts for more than three seconds! It's almost as good as a non-Bay movie, such as, say, THE INDEPENDENCE DAY! Maybe this isn't the typical Bay trash after all.
Suddenly, this scene ENDS, replaced by one where WILLIAM LENNOX is berating FIRST SERGEANT DONNELLY for speaking a different language, which is very appropriately FUNNY to set the tone of this movie.
EXT. QATAR - IDEALIZED AMERICAN BASE
WILLIAM LENNOX, FIRST SERGEANT DONNELLY, and SERGEANT EPPS are delivering some ARMY BULLSHIT about MIDDLE-EAST, in an attempt to make a commercial for MARINE TROOP RECRUITMENT.
WILLIAM LENNOX: (talking to his wife while looking at the camera) Life in an army is not so bad! You see, you get to meet interesting people, communicate with your family frequently, be comfortable despite the "harsh" environment, and even co-exist happily with the locals when you proudly stroll around on their territory with guns and your army gear fetish! (pause) Well, except if you speak Spanish, in which case you should be treated like shit.
AUDIENCE: Hmm, how is it possible for those people to maintain their unadulterated American way in a land that is known for the tension between the ruling government's political alignment and the population's yearn for traditional religious orthodoxy? And what's with that stupid Spanish joke that has been offensively repeated for the fifth time just six minutes in -
Suddenly, a helicopter TRANSFORMS INTO A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT THAT BLOWS THE GIANT FUCKING SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING AND IT'S SO GIANT FUCKING BAD ASS THAT NO ONE EVER FUCKING CARES WHY THIS GIANT FUCKING SCENE IS HAPPENING!
AUDIENCE (CONT'D): Oh God, it's Blackout! BLACKOUT! This is awesome, because a movie can be awesome just by LYING ABOUT MAKING TRANSFORMERS ITS CENTRAL CHARACTERS EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT REALLY ABOUT THEM! (rapidly degenerating into sounds of semi-conscious chanting) TRANSFORMERS! TRANSFORMERS! TRANSFORMERS! TRANSFORMERS...
Completely intoxicated, the AUDIENCE can now be subject to anything and still loves it with all their HEART and their INNER CHILD. Trying to have some good, clean fun with himself, M. BAY, the CHAIRMAN OF THE ASSOCIATION AGAINST RESPECT FOR FILMMAKERS, proceeds to make the worst movie his capacity as a non-biological creature allows him to, first by cutting to the most pathological setting to introduce in a Transformer-related story, let alone spending one-third of the screen time on it.
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. AWESOME PATHOLOGICALLY KIDDY SETTING - CLASSROOM FILMED WITH SHAKY CAMERA
AWESOME SAM WITWICKY is making a class presentation and one JOKE after another, just to insult the AUDIENCE'S intelligence.
SAM WITWICKY: (looking shocked, and Joking) So, my great, great grandfather was a famous explorer who went insane after a luckless journey to the arctic.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. AWESOME WINDY SNOW PLAINS
SAM WITWICKY'S GREAT, GREAT GRANDFATHER: Listen to me, people! NO SACRIFICE, NO VICTORY! I know this sentence is out of the blue and doesn't make any sense in this scene, but that's apparently the best the writers can do to work a heroic catchphrase into this massive two hours and twenty minutes of a crime against intelligent storytelling!
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. AWESOME PATHOLOGICALLY KIDDY SETTING - CLASSROOM FILMED WITH SHAKY CAMERA
SAM WITWICKY: (looking shocked, and Joking) Hence, in light of the traumatizing history of my respectable ancestor, I'm using this intellectual occasion to announce that the most precious relics of his legacy - his glasses, and among other things - are now being auctioned on purely to satisfy my angsty teen ego.
He gets an A- for this pathetic blaspheming of a commerical, because FUCKERS are also WINNERS. He makes some more AWESOME jokes, then visits second-hand car dealer BOBBY BOLIVIA, who is so worried that the AUDIENCE won't notice that he's black that he has to make every single black stereotype of his as loud as possible.
BOBBY BOLIVIA: Damn, I am so black! Watch me be black! I comically claim African heritage, comically ridicule Hispanics, comically cheat on my customers, comically fast talk, comically have a big, fat, vulgar black mother and I comically call her "Mammy" and probably "Bitch" behind the scene as well! Isn't being black funny? DAMN BEING BLACK IS SO FUNNY!
SAM WITWICKY: (looking shocked, and Joking) I absolutely want that car, more specifically the glaringly abnormal one that is actually the corrupted version of the Gadgetmobile.
BOBBY BOLIVIA: Five thousand dollars, only because it's more than your father is willing to pay and posing as another petty obstacle to your teen egoism that drags this movie on.
Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE boisterously fucks up BOBBY'S INVENTORY, because it's rather CUTE and ruining another human being's life is WITTY, AWESOME, and HUMANE.
AUDIENCE: HA HA HA BUMBLEBEE TOTALLY ROCKS! TAKE THAT AND DIE, STUPID BLACK MAN!
SAM WITWICKY: Wow, it's great that the first Autobot introduced in this movie is a prick AND a moron, as he apparently doesn't know what disguise means even if it hits him in the windshield.
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) And it's also great that the most important driving force of an expensive, two-hour-long, action-packed sci-fi film's plot is the pathetic teen ego of a superficial dickhead who makes retarded jokes and doesn't even know the difference between "a cool car" and a car that thinks out loud.
SAM WITWICKY: (looking shocked, and Joking) Hey, my car is switching his radio channels all by itself! This clearly isn't any indication of supernaturalism. Heh heh. Stupid car.
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) See what I mean, loser? God, I fucking hate this guy. Please let this movie be Stephen King's CHRISTINE so that I can fucking kill him at the end.
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. AWESOME PENTAGON
JOHN KELLER is recruiting a shitload of YOUNG GEEKS THAT LOOK JUST LIKE THOSE IN THE AUDIENCE.
MAGGIE MADSEN: You are introducing another worthless subplot? Don't you think that you are making this movie even more overpopulated and tedious than it already is? With such a huge cast, how is it possible for the writers to make the audience understand the character's motivations and hence understand the plot?
JOHN KELLER: Look, in this stereotype-fest, everyone is a stereotype so they are all well in line with their designated stereotype function.
AUDIENCE: SO SAM IS THE CUTE NERD AND MIKAELA IS THE HOT CHICK AND JULIE IS THE ANNOYING PARENT AND MAGGIE IS THE HOT SCIENTIST CHICK AND JOHN IS THE MACHO MAN WE CAN DEPEND ON! GOT IT! STEREOTYPES RULE BECAUSE WE CAN UNDERSTAND A CHARACTER ONLY WHEN HE IS A STEREOTYPE!
COLIN FICKES: And while the writers appeal to the targeted audience's inability to understand characters with more than a nanometer of depth, Michael will appeal to their lust for chaotic camera angels, explosions of EVERYTHING in a setting, and close-ups of Mikaela Banes' tits.
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. AWESOME PATHOLOGICALLY KIDDY SETTING - HOUSE FILMED IN HIGH FREQUENCY OF SHOTS
SAM is trying to be CUTE and HUMOROUS.
SAM WITWICKY: (looking shocked and obsessing, which is also a joke)
Hey, I'm feeding my dog painkillers and it's filmed like an action sequence! I'm practicing how to be an asshat to a mirror which is also filmed like an action sequence! And I will drive off with my car and it's filmed like a PORNO!
FRENZY: Interesting...so you are undercover at Sam's house in order to...what was your objective again?
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) Assist him in his arduous quest of getting into Mikaela Banes's pants, which is the Bay-ian equivalent to boy-car bonding.
FRENZY: What? This is just the recreation of the same old kiddy bullshit that TV networks use to turn teenagers into rigid members of the consumer culture, only sexed up by sentient cars that just happen to be Transformers!
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) Only that it is bestowed with the involvement of M. Bay, which means even LESS comprehensible visual storytelling and that the lack thereof isn't even the worst element of it.
FRENZY: Oh. Then, while you pit rationality and competence against the Autobots and squander the audience's life without explaining how you got to know Sam's possession of the glasses in the first place, I will go on to do something that is far more significant to the plot.
BARRICADE: Plot? What Plot? You mean hacking into government files, again? Geeze, where were you when that helicopter actually blew up some shit, blew up his cover, and made the US government search for us all over the place?
FRENZY: We are just desperately attempting to justify the government subplot. Don't start sweating, though; you haven't seen the MOST preposterous part of this movie yet.
He next shows up on AIR-FORCE ONE, where he accesses the AWESOME COMPUTER NETWORK.
FRENZY (CONT'D): And no, I wasn't even talking about the logical concept of an alien getting aboard on an airplane that has the world's most advanced defense system, walking aimlessly around while trying to be comical or obnoxious, connecting to the computer networks that in actuality can only be accessed anywhere else, and bypassing hundreds of thousands of theoretically rigorously-trained security officials. After killing twenty of them.
AUDIENCE: OOOOOO FRENZY IS SO SCARY AND ZANY! SAM IS CUTE! THIS MOVIE IS TOTALLY TECHNICAL AND BRILLIANT!
DIRECTOR M. BAY: And now enough of this marginally amusing subplot! Let's re-visit the horrible, KIDDY side of this story!
MEGATRON (V. O.): ...and let Bay push his own immeasurable limits, purely to see how horrendous a film can be.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. AWESOME PATHOLOGICALLY KIDDY SETTING - LAKE
SAM is taking his friend for a drive, only to abandon him and the code of COMMON DECENCY. This is RIGHT, again because FUCKERS are also WINNERS. He goes after MIKAELA BANES, who is the RESIDENT SUPER HOTTIE MATERIALIZED STRAIGHT FROM THE FANBOYS' WET DREAM™.
SAM WITWICKY: (looking shocked and hitting on Mikaela, which is a Joke) Hi Mikaela, wanna take a ride from probably the most wretched protagonist in movie history?
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) And he shits on the driver's seat, too.
MIKAELA BANES: (trying, too, to make a joke) Well, I don't see why I shouldn't.
Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE plays AWESOME AND SHITTY LOVE TUNES. This is ROMANTIC. Or CREEPY.
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) Yo, baby, wassup? I been waiting for somebody out this motherfucka to come out here with some pussy.
SAM WITWICKY: (joking and kicking the car's control panel, which may or may not be Bumblebee's groin) Didn't I tell you to stop? What an evil son of a bitch!
MIKAELA BANES: (examining the car, which is potentially a Joke) Well, Sam, turns out it IS Stephen King's Christine.
SAM WITWICKY: Because it is so bitingly autonomous?
MIKAELA BANES: That, and because both of them are personalization of the same thing: the cognitive reality of brand establishment.
As she says so, M. BAY shoots 3 minutes of close-ups of her TITS and CROTCH while the AUDIENCE shoots their SPERM in public.
AUDIENCE: HA HA HA MIKAELA HAS GREAT TITS AND A LOVELY ASS AND SAM IS LOOKING AT THEM LIKE HE IS WATCHING HANNAH MONTANA FUCKING A WIND MILL! SEXY AND HILARIOUS!
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) Dear God, what happened?
SAM WITWICKY: Well, whatever it is, it's certainly not a Transformer movie.
DIRECTOR M. BAY: Oh yeah?
Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE transforms into the C-3PO FROM HELL. He projects the AWESOME AUTOBOT INSIGNIA onto the clouds, because the script writers were told to carefully abstain from measures that will credit the AUDIENCE with intelligence.
SAM WITWICKY (CONT'D): And THIS is how you fulfill the premise? Signaling to the other Autobots? Then why on earth didn't you do this sooner, instead of trying to get me laid?
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) What? No, I'm sending a signal to all the present Decepticons and humans to publicize your location. Why else do I abandon the far more reliable and subtle use of electric waves and instead rely on projector light that in no way can penetrate the Earth's atmosphere?
Terrified, SAM runs off. BUMBLEBEE chases him.
SAM WITWICKY: Aieeeee! Possessed Car! Get away from me!
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) Huh, you haven't figured that out yet? Wasn't purposefully trashing every single car within fifteen square miles and casually destroying a man's life a solid proof of how possessed and evil this car was? And WHY did you even buy it, assclown?
SAM WITWICKY: (looking shocked, and Joking) So that the screenwriters can make car-theft-related jokes. (pauses to think of a Joke) So, like, I was TOTALLY angry that my car was stolen. Ha ha ha!
BUMBLEBEE: (pause, then switches on radio) I'm going to run you over for that.
He chases him some more and then doesn't use his RADIO to communicate, so that SAM can crash into a POLICE CAR.
AUDIENCE: BARRICADE! BARRICADE! BARRI-
It ISN'T.
POLICEMEN: What were you running from?
SAM WITWICKY: This movie, the haphazard fusion of rips off from CHRISTINE, FROM A BUICK 8, INDEPENDENCE DAY, THE TERMINATOR, MIB, E.T., TOP GUN, and TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!
POLICEMEN: Well, you forgot about the AMERICAN PIE's. You are arrested.
SAM is ARRESTED and starts to make some AWESOME and STUPID DRUG jokes, since BAY has no sense of PACE.
AUDIENCE: LONGER! LOOOOOONGERRRRRRRR!
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. MIDDLE-EAST
WILLIAM is AWESOMELY leading his surviving gang of ONE-DIMENSIONAL HUMAN EXPENDABLES to a village.
WILLIAM LENNOX: So that we can blow it up, along with its Middle-Eastern, non-American residents.
Suddenly, a GIANT FUCKING SCORPION pops out of sand and kills DONNELLY, though not before MICHAEL can extract another AWESOME SPANISH joke out of him.
SCORPONOK: RARRR! FEAR ME! I HAVE POINTY LEGS, AND A LARGE TAIL! I ALSO CRAWL UNDER THE SAND!
SERGEANT EPPS: Were you sleeping until we have the means to call in reinforcements? Hey, I think that pretty much established your brain status as an Intel -0.1.
SCORPONOK: RARRR! I WILL KILL YOU!
He mildly blasts instead of stabbing them, while WILLIAM is interrupting the action with AWESOME COMEDY every so often.
WILLIAM LENNOX: Look! Our troop is being endangered by greedy, nose-picking phone operators from India! India clearly sucks! Only NON-ASIANS, preferably REAL AMERICANS, are worthy enough to serve the Americans!
This is extremely FUNNY and totally not OFFENSIVE. Suddenly, the U.S. GOVERNMENT sends millions of AWESOME JETS and throws down TRILLIONS OF AWESOME EXPLOSIVES. One of them hits SCORPONOK, while the rest bomb the whole village to an AWESOME pile of dust and ashes.
WILLIAM LENNOX: And no, absolutely nothing about social efficiency or civilian casualties is suspicious or should be cared about, because all we needed was just lots of explosions. (pause) And my heroic survival. For my cute little white baby girl.
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. SOME HOUSE
MAGGIE MADSEN visits GLEN WHITMANN, who isn't worthless only because he is FUCKING HILARIOUS.
GLEN WHITMANN: Look at me, I'm so black! I'm geeky and black, which makes me a fat jackass and you are supposed to laugh! And isn't it so brilliantly humorous that two out of three black persons in this movie just happen to both pull their shit on the same kind of fat, irresponsible, bitchy female heads of household that they have?
MAGGIE MADSEN: Glen, I need your help to break those Decepticon codes that breached the security system.
GLEN WHITMANN: Right; I will just tap Any Key and left-click the mouse four times and this movie's arbitrary Keywords will come up in colorful 3-D animations. Just like in a computer programmer's fantasy.
Suddenly, they are ARRESTED and LOCKED UP, which is just as FUNNY and ACTION-FILLED as SAM'S.
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. AWESOME PATHOLOGICALLY KIDDY SETTING - STREET FILMED WITH SWIFT AND TIGHT CLOSE-UPS
SAM runs from his house into the street. This is SMART because streets do not have walls to separate him from his car. Whose ALIEN ENGINE POWER is outrun by SAM'S SUPERHUMAN LEG MUSCLES.
SAM WITWICKY: (looking shocked and riding on a pink bike, which is a Joke) Is this some hidden message about the real Camaros?
Suddenly, he is INTERROGATED by BARRICADE, who scares him by shaking his surroundings instead of using cannons.
BARRICADE: And it's a good thing that I'm furthering the impression that Decepticons are mindlessly destructive, Miniature Godzillas! Who can also be outrun by Sam's superhuman leg muscles.
The 20-FEET-TALL ROBOT is OUTRUN by the SIX-FEET-TALL SAM, which is AWESOME, INTENSE and NOT GROTESQUELY STUPID. Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE rescues him and, just his fucking luck, MIKAELA, and M. BAY finally gets the AWESOME car chase he pines so much.
DIRECTOR M. BAY: Ha, bet you didn't see that coming! Man, I'm the master of unpredictability.
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) You meant our ability to not only transform from crappy stunt cars into even crappier CGI, but also to transform day into night, right?
He DOES, or maybe it's just MICHAEL channeling ED WOOD. Then the two ROBOTS transform and begin to FIGHT!
INFERNO (V. O.): Royalty, the program is operating at 300 percent capacity! We are successfully destroying five times ten to the twenty-seventh power audience brain cells per second!
BARRICADE: RARRRR!
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) RARRRR!
BARRICADE: RARRRR! I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH MY DUEL FLAILS!
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) BUT ALL I'M SEEING IS JUST SHINY METAL TWIRLING IN THE AIR! AND IS THAT YOUR ARM, OR MY LEG?
BARRICADE: WHAT? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT SENSELESS, ILL-CHOREOGRAPHED ACTION IS ALL THE AUDIENCE NEEDS?
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) REALLY? THEN WHY DON'T THEY GO PLAY THIS MOVIE'S LICENSED VIDEO GAME? AT LEAST THAT WOULD BE MORE COMPREHENSIBLE AND LESS PRETENTIOUS!
BARRICADE: BUT THEN THEY CAN'T ENJOY THE DIRECTION OF M. BAY, WHO HAS MADE SURE THAT THE CAMERA IS SO BLURRY THE AUDIENCE CAN'T SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING ANYWAY!
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF AN ACTION MOVIE IF YOU CAN'T EVEN ENJOY THE ACTION?
BARRICADE: YOU SEE, YOU CAN ENJOY JUVENILE, MIND-NUMBING ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR!
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) LIKE THIS?
He throws the camera at FRENZY, who is chasing SAM and pulling his PANTS.
FRENZY: Don't mess up with me, or I will go off like a CD player on a rampage!
SAM WITWICKY: (looking shocked, and unsurprisingly Comical) You know, you are probably the most awful piece of CGI ever produced.
FRENZY: RARR! I WILL UNLEASH MY UNIMAGINABLE POWER OF BEING AN UNCANNY PANASONIC ELECTRONIC DEVICE!
He hauls BROKEN CDS at SAM but is then AWESOMELY BEHEADED with an ordinary construction tool, his self-healing alien metal notwithstanding. Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE approaches in his GIANT FUCKING ROBOT form, presumably scaring the shit out of SAM.
SAM WITWICKY: Wow. It's a robot. You know, like a super advanced robot. It's probably Japanese.
That was an actual line from the movie.
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) Can't you just FOR A MINUTE pretend that this is all real and ignore M. Bay's insistence that we are all just in a fucking movie?
SAM WITWICKY: (looking not so shocked, but still making Jokes) Of course not. I mean, what IS the audience supposed to do in a M. Bay movie anyway? Suspend their disbelief?
AUDIENCE: AND IT'S ALL RIGHT! WE ARE VEGETABLES - WE CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING BUT GOOD THINGS ABOUT THIS MOVIE!
MEGATRON (V. O.): CORRECT! WATCH THIS FILM AND OPEN YOURSELVES TO THE POWER OF SLAGGY ENTERTAINMENT! UNCONSCIOUSNESS CONQUERS ALL!
SAM WITWICKY: (looking shocked, and Joking) And I will make out with Mikaela using seat belts!
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) While I will convert into the latest model of Camaro that is all beautiful and new and a total piece of General Motor's pride and joy!
MEGATRON (V. O.): ... What?
Sure enough, GIANT PIECES OF AWESOME, FLAMING SHIT finally fall onto EARTH and AWESOMELY destroy some more property. But not without TEN MINUTES OF AWESOME JOKES, including one that praises FUCKING ARMAGEDDON.
RATCHET: Because, unlike the Decepticons, who are Miniature Godzillas, we are the destructive, robotic version of Barney and Big Bird.
They all decide to reformat into POORLY-MANUFACTURED, CHEAP-LOOKING vehicles; OPTIMUS PRIME chooses a truck that has all its trailers traded for weird flame works, possibly implying that 90 of truck drivers are IMPRACTICAL AND OBNOXIOUS PUNKS.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Of all the trucks in this universe, I stumbled upon one that is LEAST LIKELY to exist.
They circle around MIKAELA and SAM. OPTIMUS begins to introduce the AUTOBOTS, who eagerly reveal the most distinctive trait in their behavior so that the writers don't have to show any of it in the remainder of the movie.
OPTIMUS PRIME: I'm Optimus Prime, leader of the robot caricatures bereft of any bit of personhood. Also, am I Joking correctly?
IRONHIDE: I'm Ironhide, the ultimate paradox: on the one hand I'm a trigger-happy idiot, but on the other hand, I'm very careful and precise in elaborating my foes' agonizing terminations. This totally doesn't mean that I'm more of a Decepticon, though.
RATCHET: I'm Ratchet, the medic and I... My God, Sam, what kind of raging hormone do you possess to have your desire for sexual intercourses override the fact that you should be scared shitless upon seeing those Giant Fucking Robots?
SAM WITWICKY: (looking not so shocked and whistling, which is a Joke) Was I just lectured by someone who casually betrays people's medical conditions, leading one to imagine what kind of profession ethics he practices?
JAZZ: I'm Jazz, and you could immediately tell that I'm the only Autobot who's going to die.
MIKAELA BANES: Because you are mysteriously the smallest Autobot?
JAZZ: No, you can see that only because my name is "Jazz" and my character consists nothing more than break dance and street-talk.
MIKAELA BANES: ...
OPTIMUS PRIME: Yeah, I suppose you should get your mind blown away, at least for once in a movie that has some Giant fucking Robots.
MIKAELA BANES: No, I just couldn't believe that M. Bay managed to be this stupid. Did he think that upgrading you somehow means the same thing as giving you shitty new looks and flattening your already painfully thin personalities?
IRONHIDE: Geeze, and to think this comes from the humans who are even LESS human than us.
OPTIMUS PRIME: Well, so we are here for this Cube Thing, the "AllSpark", or some stupid 80's name like that, and Sam holds a vital clue to us finding it, the information on which we extracted from Ebay and somehow NOT government network -
SAM WITWICKY: Ebay AGAIN? Do you know this is the EIGHTH time that we've mentioned Ebay? And what kind of movie is this to rely its focal plot point on EBAY? Did a bunch of drunken teenagers write a parody on SPY KIDS and S. Spielberg mistook it for the TRANSFORMERS script?
OPTIMUS PRIME: Look, that is the most complicated IT terminology that M. Bay can ever understand somewhat correctly, so let's be charitable and call it a plus for this movie. Anyway, we are here for the Cube, and its location was imprinted to your ancestor's glasses by Megatron's navigational system. Which was activated and capable of the complex tasks of scanning a radius of hundreds of thousands of miles and producing codes onto nearby objects while the rest of Megatron was disabled. And all it required of activation was just your ancestor's Golden Touch. (pause) I don't get it.
SAM WITWICKY: Okay, so what now?
OPTIMUS PRIME: (trying to make a Joke) We need to get to your house, and retrieve the plot device that will get this movie going.
SAM WITWICKY: (trying to make a Joke) The glasses you referred to?
OPTIMUS PRIME: Actually, I meant that the AMERICAN PIE script just expired. We need a new script that is equally stupid and derivative. I mean, do you honestly believe this movie couldn't sink any lower?
They go to SAM'S AWESOME HOUSE as MICHAEL tries to ruin the definition of CINEMATIC STRUCTURE with more AWESOME TV SITCOM MATERIAL.
AUDIENCE: HA HA HA TRANSFORMERS ARE CUTE AND COMICAL AND TOTALLY BENIGN AND PARENTS REALLY ARE ANNOYING AND MIKAELA IS AGAIN HOT AND SAM IS AGAIN CUTE AND MASTURBATION IS BRILLIANT AND HILARIOUS!
JAZZ: What the fuck? Did there go a total of THIRTY minutes of my life? Remind me why I even signed up for TRANSFORMERS, if M. Bay still dares to call it such.
SAM WITWICKY: (looking not so shocked, and Joking) I found the script!
OPTIMUS PRIME: (relaxes) Thank God! I was almost convinced that nothing ever could be salvaged from this kiddy - (pause) Uh, Sam, it's a piece of toilet paper. With M. Bay's shit on it.
SAM WITWICKY: It just turned out that even WAR OF THE WORLDS was too intelligent for him, so we had to resort to the severely dumbed-down version of MEN IN BLACK without realizing that it was actually a SPOOF on this type of movie.
As per SCRIPT INSTRUCTIONS, they are ARRESTED again, this time by AGENT SIMMONS and his OVER-THE-TOP PERFORMANCE AS AN ASSHOLE-ISH GOVERNMENT AGENT.
MIKAELA BANES: Wait, weren't you in that EXCELLENT Joel Coen movie? What the fuck are you doing in the epitome of everything your career has stood against?!
AGENT SIMMONS: I don't really know. I guessed it was the end of the era of quality entertainment and film as an art form in general. So, just to make things even stupider, we at the Sector Seven have known the Transformers all along, ever since Sam's great, great Grandpa discovered -
SAM WITWICKY: Wait, so, you allowed my ancestor to publicize his discovery, and were entirely ignorant of the fact that complete information of an artifact of human-extinction importance is available on the singularly most accessible media in existence?
AGENT SIMMONS: That, and we are incapable of action until the dangerous aliens are everywhere and things have gone completely out of control.
SAM WITWICKY: Wow, you are really, really stupid, you know that?
MEGATRON (V. O.): Yes! And it is all right for government agencies to be useless AND expensive to fund with your tax money!
SIMMONS takes them away. On their way, they mention MIKAELA'S car theft record, which is SURPRISING because this extra information is an utter waste of time and it's a wonder why it is even mentioned. Then the CAST proceed to spend twenty minutes on it, which eventually leads CASPER'S UNCLES, uh, I mean, the GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS to tear down their car. Oh, and BUMBLEBEE pees all over SIMMONS, complete with a BWINK sound.
MIKAELA BANES: And you shall strip yourself where you stand for how you treated my father!
SAM WITWICKY: What? Wasn't he a SECRET AGENT? Then why the hell was a secret agent dealing with a petty car thie -
AUDIENCE: HA HA HA BUMBLEBEE PEED ON OTHER PEOPLE JUST LIKE WHAT A DOG WOULD DO AND THIS MEANS BUMBLEBEE IS SAM'S DOG! BRILLIANT AND AWESOME!
OPTIMUS PRIME: And I thought that was shockingly distasteful and obnoxious. And why weren't you stunned when you saw us, Simmons?
AGENT SIMMONS: Didn't you hear Sam? The very basic premise of cinema - the Suspension of Disbelief - DOESN'T matter in a Bay movie.
Then BUMBLEBEE is suddenly VAGUELY SUBDUED by some EVIL, THREATENING, FISHING-STRING-WIELDING HUMANS as the VIOLINS wail in the background.
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) Aieeeee! Help! No! Ahhhhh!
SAM WITWICKY: I will help you out of the threatening fishing strings in a minute, my 4000-Buck Car!
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) What? No! I need help understanding why the audience is crying their eyes out! In addition to the fact that two minutes ago I just acted like a motherfucker to Simmons, can't they also see that Michael has made this scene specifically indistinguishable from relevant scenes in E. T., KING KONG, MIGHTY JOE YOUNG, FREE WILLY, THE IRON GIANT, FLIGHT OF THE NAVIGATOR, and ANY movie that involves bonding between a human and a non-human?
MIKAELA BANES: Maybe except that in this case, not only the dialogues and direction are void of any heart or soul, but also the human recovers immediately when he later rides a helicopter, since helicopter-riding is AWESOME.
AUDIENCE: (now with tears of joy) YEAH, YOU TELL THEM, BABY!
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. AWESOME HOOVER DAM - FAST ROTATING CAMERA SHOWERED IN AWESOME BLUE LIGHTING
SECTOR SEVEN OFFICIALS are suddenly trying to get on SAM'S good side, because, being a TRANSFORMER FILM, it only has to show the GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS ONCE IN A WHILE.
TOM BANACHEK: Hello Sam, I'm playing Rip Torn's character in this movie. I'm here to enlist your help.
SAM WITWICKY: But I don't know anything more than what you already know!
TOM BANACHEK: I don't see why we shouldn't still ask for your assistance.
SAM WITWICKY: (looking shocked, and Joking) All right then. But I will first exploit your desire to save the human race and coerce you into releasing my car and dropping Mikaela's criminal record, thereby erasing any reason for the threads we picked up twenty minutes ago and thus proving that anything Sector Seven has done is useless and dumb.
TOM BANACHEK: Well, despite this outrageous contradiction, we will comply, because all government officials are teenagers' bitch in a movie marketed towards teenagers.
The MAJOR HUMAN CHARACTERS, no less than NINE of them, are assembled to discuss things.
MIKAELA BANES: Are you going to show us the big secret the government has been hiding from us?
AGENT SIMMONS: Actually, I was going to ask you to compare and contrast your unique stereotype functions. But sure, whatever.
He shows them a COMATOSE MEGATRON.
TOM BANACHEK: He used to reside in the arctic, but we brought him here, precisely where the Cube Thing is located.
SERGEANT EPPS: And why the hell did you do it?
AGENT SIMMONS: Umm... so that when he wakes up, which is what he's about to do, he can free-ride on our costs and get this thing as conveniently as possible? I don't know. It's just cool and childlike to put alien objects close to each other, I think.
GLEN WHITMANN: Wait a second. So, the Decepticons wouldn't have known about the glasses had Sam not just HAPPENED to be enough of an idiot to auction the glasses on the Internet, and the Autobots wouldn't have got anywhere close to Sam had he not just HAPPENED to be visiting Bobby Bolivia, and the Decepticons wouldn't have pursued Sam had those glasses not just HAPPENED to have the Cube's coordinates, and Megatron wouldn't have wakened had you not just HAPPENED to have transported him here, and we wouldn't have been able to move the AllSpark had Bumblebee not just HAPPENED to be able to shrink it??
TOM BANACHEK: Exactly.
MAGGIE MADSEN: Wow, do you have any idea of how many hideous coincidences it takes to progress this appallingly infantile AND convoluted plot?
Meanwhile, FRENZY is sending ELECTRIC WAVES through the thick walls that even the ALLSPARK'S energy can't penetrate.
STARSCREAM: That was Frenzy's Six-Sense signal! WOOT! Alright Decepticons, alien-style roll call in subtitles!
All the DECEPTICONS THAT DON'T EXIST PRIOR TO THIS POINT AND WON'T EXIST AFTER THIS MOVIE set off to MAJESTICALLY REVEAL THEMSELVES!
BARRICADE: Barricade, the mysterious Decepticon that might have been destroyed but not really and what happens to me after this movie isn't clear either!
DEVASTATOR: And my name is Devastator - (pause) "Devastator", right?
STARSCREAM: Right, because M. Bay is actually a fifteen year old with a negative IQ in disguise.
DREAMCRUSHER: And I'm Dreamcrusher, crusher of the Transformer fans' dreams to see at least a half-decent portrayal of the Constructicons!
BLACKOUT: And Blackout, the first Decepticon introduced, which means I'm destined to first show off how awesome I am and then be casually sadistically thrown off the franchise like a punk in a horror movie!
They begin to ATTACK HOOVER DAM AND MEGATRON WAKES UP! BUMBLEBEE is subsequently released.
SAM WITWICKY: Bumblebee, I'm glad you're alive! And semi-well, too!
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) I'd believe you, had you not valued touring in this facility more than relieving me from the tortures.
SAM WITWICKY: (looking shocked, and Joking) Yeah, well, I suppose you have the means to destroy that Cube thing and/or contact Optimus, right?
BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) No, but I can make it small enough for you to carry around. This increases our chances of winning, really.
AGENT SIMMONS: Uh...
WILLIAM LENNOX: And we will take it to a city and somehow hide it from the flying robots that can anticipate our every move so that we will fail hiding it anyway!
MAGGIE MADSEN: What a spectacularly lame-ass argument that is totally not propagated just so we can have crazy explosions and have innocent people die violently!
They DO and AWESOMELY abandon the SECTOR SEVEN WORKERS to MEGATRON.
MEGATRON: I'M ALIIIIIIIIIIVE! AND SPONTANEOUSLY SPEAKING ENGLISH I LEARNED VIA THE NON-EXISTENT INTERNET IN HOOVER DAM!
And MICHAEL flash cuts to JOHN KELLER, MAGGIE MADSEN, GLEN WHITMANN, and AGENT SIMMONS, because he edits film best when he is ON CRACK.
JOHN KELLER: What the fuck are we doing in this movie, anyway?
They are TERRORIZED by the 1.5-FEET-TALL FRENZY, which is probably ambivalently FUNNY and COMPELLING, or simply boring, and then BAY again flash cuts to the AUTOBOTS who were just joy-driving, and, at this perfect timing at the verge of world destruction, the AUDIENCE is treated with a GM CAR COMMERCIAL!
AUDIENCE: HA HA HA GM TOTALLY ROCKS AND AUTOBOTS ARE ALL SHINY!
IRONHIDE: My God, this movie is truly more than meets the eye.
RATCHET: Because it features some Giant fucking Robots?
IRONHIDE: No, I mean it's truly even stupider than it looks.
Their paths converged, OPTIMUS suddenly fights DREAMCRUSHER!
OPTIMUS PRIME: No, we are not supposed to commence the big battle just yet! This is a human movie - WE CAN'T HAVE TOO MUCH GIANT FUCKING ROBOT ACTION!
He disposes of DREAMCRUSHER as quickly as possible.
FRENZY: And I think you'd like more Comical Action!
He again hauls BROKEN CDS at SIMMONS and JOHN like they are BOOMERANGS, but then he beheads himself and disappears from this franchise forever and ever, and so do this set and all but one of its cast.
AUDIENCE: HA HA HA WHAT AN AWESOME MOVIE! BESTESTEST I'VE SEEN THIS YEAR!
DIRECTOR M. BAY: (now completely delirious) Damn I'm a fucking genius of solving subplots, because I just cut abruptly away and never show them again!
He then throws a BOMB at MISSION CITY, which is promptly ensued by EMOTIONAL SLOW MOTION where SAM touches MIKAELA for the 100000th time
DEVASTATOR: Jesus, what was supposed to be the emotion other than disgust in that emotional sho--
DIRECTOR M. BAY: NOW SOME MORE EXPLOSIONS!
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. AWESOME FIGHT! AWESOME! AWESOME! AWESOME! FAST ROTATING CAMERA MADE OUT OF PURE AWESOMENESS!
THE TRANSFORMERS JUMP INTO THE AWESOME HEATED BATTLE! OPTIMUS FIGHTS BARRICADE! BARRICADE FIGHTS RATCHET! RATCHET FIGHTS DEVASTATOR! DEVASTATOR FIGHTS IRONHIDE! IRONHIDE FIGHTS BLACKOUT! BLACKOUT FIGHTS JAZZ! JAZZ FIGHTS BARRICADE! BARRICADE BOMBS SOME RANDOM TARGET!
BLACKOUT: OW, THAT WAS ME, YOU MORON!
RATCHET: AIEEEE! WHERE AM I? AM I SUPPOSED TO STAND HERE OR THERE?
DEVASTATOR: THIS IS SO CONFUSING! WHERE IS MY EYE LINE? WHAT THE HELL ARE MY TEAMMATES DOING? AND FOR THAT MATTER, WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?
OPTIMUS PRIME: I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WITH A SCENE WHERE GIANT ROBOTS ARE FIGHTING AND BLOWING EACH OTHER UP, I'M ACTUALLY BORED!
DIRECTOR M. BAY: HEY MOTHERFUCKERS, HOW'S THIS FOR AN ACTION SEQUENCE - STEVEN, LET'S PLAY A GAME OF FOOTBALL! CATCH!
HE THROWS THE CAMERA AT PRODUCER S. SPIELBERG! STEVEN SNATCHES IT AND IT ACCIDENTALLY CATCHES IRONHIDE AWESOMELY FLYING OVER A SCREAMING FEMALE IN SLOW MOTION, TRANSFORMING AND LANDING ON THE OTHER SIDE FOR NO REASON!
IRONHIDE: What in the fucking hell was THAT? What's that got to do with us fighting?
WILLIAM LENNOX: Huh, were you? I thought I was just watching the close-ups of giant piles of toe nail clippers stuffed in a malfunctioning blender.
THEN STEVEN THROWS A LONG SHOT INTO THE SKY AND WE SEE FUCKING STARSCREAM SUDDENLY ARRIVES WITH FIRE BLAZING!
STARSCREAM: RARRR! I will distract the audience from noticing how absolutely shitty the whole movie is with my astounding sky-kung fu skills!
F-22 PILOTS: Astounding because the stunts you are performing defy all the physical laws in the universe?
STARSCREAM: Ha! Don't you know who I am? I'm Air-Commander Starscream! I COMMAND AIR MOLECULES!
HE DOES AND DISPATCHES THE JETS AS IF THEY WERE MADE OUT OF LEGO BRICKS!
STARSCREAM: And steel molecules, too.
Suddenly, the CAMERA quickly descents into the CITY, and PRODUCER DON MURPHY DOES AN AWESOME SEIZE AND THEN PUNTS THE CAMERA AND, AS IT SOARS THROUGH THE AIR, WE SEE AWESOME BLURRY METAL AGAIN!
BUMBLEBEE: (fighting and switching between channels) When will Bay learn that ILM isn't an acceptable replacement for proper camera handling and coherent scene editing?
JAZZ: (fighting and street-talking) Hell, when will he learn that cartoon-ish shots of shiny car parts aren't an acceptable replacement for ANYTHING?
PRODUCER D. MURPHY: SCORES!
Suddenly, an AWESOME TORNADO OF COMPUTER GRAPHICS SWEEPS THROUGH THE WHOLE CITY AS THE CAMERA GETS STUCK ON A MERRY-GO-ROUND! AWESOME STEEL STUFF occupies the SCREEN and the AUDIENCE'S SENSES, and JAZZ suddenly finds himself in the lethal embrace of MEGATRON'S.
JAZZ: (to Michael) Wait, if you kill me, you will be destroying one of the few emotional connections the audience have with this stupid movie! Why would you, at the expense of killing off a character whose survival through that animated movie was widely celebrated by all rabid Transformer fans, contribute almost nothing to the revival of this ridiculously whorish promotion for modern cinema atrocities?
DIRECTOR M. BAY: Oh, I'm sorry, were you saying something important? I don't pay much attention to what a black character has to say, you know. Or a robot who represents a black character, anyway.
He murders JAZZ, whose actual survival through that animated movie has obviously PISSED him. And, without further ado, the AUDIENCE is back to MOVING HUMAN DRAMA again, because BAY is HUMAN and ROBOT-HATING and is getting a blowjob from the CAMERA after reuniting with it.
WILLIAM LENNOX: (deep, commanding voice) Strong. Army Strong. It is a strength like none other. The strength to merely reverse the battle back to exactly the point when it commenced. It is a strength of character. The strength to act despite the three flying Decepticons' flying or shooting your destination. It is an emotional strength. It is a physical strength. The strength to get yourself (and the Cube) over to the top of a building now and give it to your comrade on a helicopter later. The strength to get over yourself and your physiological limitations as a human being and outrun a thirty-feet-tall Giant Fucking Robot. (pause) Do you have what it takes, Soldier?
SAM WITWICKY: Fuck yeah!
Surprisingly, he DOES and so runs off, after MIKAELA mutters something AWESOME and vaguely familiar from a DISNEY CHANNEL MOVIE to him. The CAMERA rotates and the sun FLARES in their faces, presumably preventing the AUDIENCE from seeing the LEADS' nauseated expressions. Not that the AUDIENCE would notice, though. MEGATRON and PRIME FIGHT, but MEGATRON defeats PRIME easily and proceeds to chase after SAM.
MEGATRON: Give me the Cube, boy! Because I totally don't plan to end up as the most depressing Megatron incarnation in the Transformer franchise!
SAM WITWICKY: (looking shocked, and Joking) It cannot be stopped! You're ALREADY the most depressing villain in this franchise!
SAM runs into MACHINES and turns them into HOMICIDAL ROBOTS whose existence ceases immediately when the CAMERA leaves them while the AUDIENCE feels a sudden urge to buy X-BOXES, SUVS and MOUNTAIN DEW DRINKS!
AUDIENCE: HA HA HA BECAUSE DEPICTING YOUR PRODUCTS AS MURDEROUS AND LIFE-THREATENING IS AN AWESOME ADVERTISING STRATEGY!
WRITER J. ROGERS: I WILL SNAP THE CAMERA!
He DOES. The CAMERA spins around and round and we see that MIKAELA decides to BAD-ASSLY drive through the area and breaks stuff while AWESOME BUTTROCKS whines in the background excitedly!
MIKAELA BANES: Is this supposed to be exhilarating or just plain irritating?
Suddenly, a LARGE SACK OF CGI METAL THAT IS LATER INDENTIFIED AS DEVASTATOR slumps to the ground for no possible reason other than running out of BATTERY. Then the ART DEPARTMENT passes the CAMERA back to MICHAEL, who points the CAMERA at SAM, satisfied that he has ruined enough tension. Then he throws the CAMERA vertically into the air, as SAM goes AWESOMELY through the stairway and so does MEGATRON, who painstakingly shatters floors and has completely forgotten his ability to FLY or CLIMB externally to the rooftop twenty times more quickly.
MEGATRON: Let's make a deal; if you give it to me, I will make you my pet. (pause) Honest!
SAM WITWICKY: Why are you even negotiating with me? Aren't you supposed to be intimidating or something?
MEGATRON: WAHHH! YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!
He attempts to shoot SAM and misses, demonstrating more LAMENESS. Suddenly, OPTIMUS appears to compete for the title of THE KING OF LOSERS.
OPIMUS PRIME: Megatron, my arch-nemesis from the 80's! You know that freedom is the right of all sentient beings! (pause) Well, except for all the Decepticons, and anyone enslaved, abused, hunted, slaughtered, or eaten by real Americans, and whoever, however minimally, threatens the American way of life!
MEGATRON: That was breathtakingly stupid.
OPTIMUS PRIME: You, terrorist! Die!
They begin the EPIC FIGHT and it might be remotely entertaining, which means BAY must pass the camera away from the END-ZONE. AGAIN.
DIRECTOR M. BAY: (playing Hopscotch) One, two, three, five, four! Whee, I'm at SEVEN! Back shot and up!
He kicks the CAMERA BACKWARDS. WILLIAM attempts to shoot BLACKOUT, who is now, for some unworldly reason, strolling down the street, enjoying the sunshine, and making himself an AWESOME FREE TARGET PRACTICE.
BLACKOUT: Pffft. Your puny gun bullets are no match for my animated junk parts.
WILLIAM LENNOX: Then I will switch to something I've totally not tried before. FIRE.
He burns BLACKOUT'S SPECIAL EFFECT FILMS.
BLACKOUT: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
He DIES. And MURPHY scores a TOUCHDOWN! The CAMERA accidentally faces PRIME'S FIGHT, and we see PRIME is already losing, because showing how that happened is too SOPHISTICATED for MICHAEL.
MEGATRON: (kicking Optimus, who is immobile and lying on ground) IT IS VERY HARD TO DIRECT AND EDIT THIS SEQUENCE!
Suddenly, SAM injects the CUBE into MEGATRON'S CONVENIENTLY EXPOSED CHEST, and it of course AWESOMELY KILLS him.
OPTIMUS PRIME: What? Uh, I mean, yay! Megatron is dead! Well, until next time, anyway.
It's ALL OVER. Really. MICHAEL hugs the CAMERA while RATCHET approaches PRIME and hands him the broken pieces of JAZZ. The AUDIENCE stares quizzically, not recognizing any ROBOT other than AWESOME PRIME and ADORABLE BUMBLEBEE.
OPTIMUS PRIME: We have lost a great comrade. (pause, tone lightened) Well, a great, black comrade, and it's awesome that we have white suburban teenagers to replace him!
BUMBLEBEE: And I have inexplicably recovered my vocal ability, which is so important that it suddenly makes this scene incredibly cheerful! Hurrraahhh!
OPTIMUS PRIME: And we've learned that humans are truly awesome, because it's not like they are responsible for the deaths of countless other sentient beings, hell-bent on self-destruction and eternally screwed-up!
They proceed to protect all AWESOME human beings, all the members of which apparently constitute only SAM and MIKAELA, and their fucking each other randomly on a sentient CAR is the most AWESOME and SIGNIFICANT ending and event to ever happen!
AUDIENCE: HA HA HA WHAT A WONDERFUL MOVIE! IT HAD EXPLOSIONS AND TEENAGE HUMOR AND SPORT CARS AND COMPUTER GRAPHICS AND EVEN STUPID MINORITIES TO LAUGH AT!
They go home, give it a TEN on IMDB, and trample ANYONE who rates otherwise to DEATH.
MEGATRON (V.O.): Ah, it used to be such that even I must caution the humans for their intelligence, and what a shame it is to see them, yesss...REDUCED TO MINDLESS ORGANIC BLOBS! Ha-ha-a! My manipulation has finally rendered Earth Defense a splendid joke, and soon, yessss, I will take the Earth as the launch point from which I will conquer Cybertron, and the Universe will be mine! Ha-hahahahaha!
END