This fic was inspired by Standing in the Dark by Lawson. Brilliant song. Hope you like.
…
The moon light bleeds in through the curtains, bathing him in a silvery glow. He holds his car keys in one of his hands, and he is fiddling with it, distractedly. He is remembering a day more than three years ago. He remembers that she had been competing the elephant graft when he had come in ad said his goodbyes. He likes to think that she watched him leave in his car, but - truth be told - he has no idea what she did. He remembers the tears he shed on that day and the day's that followed.
If he closes his eyes - he can feel her, see her - next to him in bed at night. He swallows, just as the door swings open and his wife walks in. She smiles at him. "I've put Harry to bed and I'm going to have a shower. Then I thought we could watch something? Or just go to bed, I know you're tired. Do you want to come up, now?" He shakes his head, slowly but clearly. She sighs, and comes towards him. She kneels on the carpet in front of the chair he is sitting on. He sees her tired dark eyes and all he can think about is Jac's piercing green ones. "What's wrong, Joe?" Jac never called him Joe, but Jennifer - his wife - does.
"Nothing."
"Don't lie to me, darling." She says, putting a hand on his cheek. "What's wrong? Is it work?" Joseph shakes his head. "What is it then?"
"I told you. It's nothing." He says, tiredly. With his words, her whole demeanour changes. She stands, and he can see the barely contained anger on her features.
"We've been married, what, no more than six months, Joe, and you're keeping secrets. I don't like it." Her use of Joe is slightly irritating him now, as are her words.
"I can have my secrets, Jen."
"It's about Harry's mother, isn't it?" She says, sharply. He briefly thinks about Faye - Harry's mother - and he wonders where she is now. He doesn't want to know.
"No."
"It is. I've never asked about her but I think I deserve answers. Tell me." She demands. A wave of tiredness washes over him, they've had this conversation before.
"I've told you before, Jennifer, I don't want to talk about her."
"Well I do. I phoned a friend who used to work at Holby and she told me that you used to be married to a woman called Faye Morton-" Joseph interrupts her, red hot anger rising in him.
"Who? Tell me who?"
"Just a girl I shared a flat with when I was at Uni." Jen system, dismissing it with a hand gesture.
"Tell me her name." Both of them hear the anger in his voice.
"Donna Jackson." Jennifer conceded, quietly. Donna Jackson had been a nurse when Joseph had been at Holby. He remembers her as a bubbly woman but not much else beside that. He does, however, remember the rumours that she had slept with Michael Spence, and was one of the factors in ending his marriage. He isn't sure how accurate the rumours were, and he doesn't really care, but this is what pops into his head when his wife mentions her name.
"What else do you know about me, then, Jennifer?" He says, almost coldly.
"She told me about a woman called Jac. Said that she broke your heart, but she didn't tell me anything else because she had to go..." She trails off, not sure what to say. "Who's Jac?" Jen asks, and Joseph nearly screams with frustration.
"I don't want to talk about her."
"Did she break your heart?"
"I don't want to talk about it." Finally, she gets the message.
"Okay." She says, softly. "I'm going to shower now, Joe, are you coming bed?" He makes a snap decision.
"No." He grabs his coat from the table and turns back to his wife, as he puts it on. "I'm going out."
"Will you be here in the morning?" Joseph glances at the clock. It is half six and he quickly calculates how long it will take.
"Yes, I should be. If I'm not, can you take Harry to school?" Jennifer nods, as Joseph turns and walks through the door. As he sits in his car, he knows he had to leave now, straight away or he is going to be broken for a very long time. He has to see her face-to-face. He has to.
...
The rain is beating down. His coat is already sodden, but he doesn't care. He knows that it is almost hypocritical of him to want her back, to make this choice - because it was his decision to let her go in the first place. He thinks back to the conversation they had the day he left - how heartbroken the two of them were. As he stands outside her house, he has never wanted anything more than to have her in his arms on more time. He walks up the garden path he remembers so well, and that he dreams about.
He is about to knock on the door when he hears laughing. His attention is diverged to the window, where he can see the T.V flickering. She's watching Strictly Come Dancing, a show he doesn't remember her liking when they were together. He sees her, and his breath is stolen away. She doesn't look a day different, apart from the fact she's smiling. When she smiles she looks even more beautiful, and he wishes she does it more. He watches in surprise as she gets up off the sofa and climbs up on the table. He nearly laughs at the surreal scene he is watching. He guesses that she is dancing to music from the show.
Then his heart sinks all the way to his knees. A man with close cut dark hair comes in through a door he remembers going through a thousand times, himself. The man goes up to Jac and pokes her gently on the back. She swivels around, and climbs off the table. The man says something to her and she laughs. Her smile lights up her face again. Then they do the thing that Joseph was hoping against all the odds they wouldn't do. They kiss. She's someone else's angel now, and it makes his heart break. As he looks through the glass, she and the man sit down on the sofa, curled up side by side.
He know realises it was stupid of him to think that he could just waltz in and take her back - but he can help the way he feels. He wants her back. As he stands in the dark, watching the happy couple from their doorstep. He can't help but feel jealous. This man has what he has craved for nearly three years.
He wants to hide away, to escape to a place with the scene in front of him can no longer hurt him - and yet, he can't help but stare at the couple in their living room. He wishes that it was him in that house, watching Strictly Come Dancing with Jac. He can't help but care about the red head in that house. He wants to move. But his limbs won't obey his orders, he is paralysed, stuck in is spot.
He watches, as his heart breaks even more, as the unknown man turns to Jac and looks into her eyes. He wants to blink, to look away, to run away and never come back. But he can't.
Slowly, but surely, control of his limbs return. His whole body feels numb from cold, from rain, and from heart break. He turns slowly and walks down the garden path, knowing that the dreams his had of this place will soon turn to nightmares. The rain is still driving but he still doesn't care a jot about it. He doesn't think he will care about anything ever again. Except Harry. He cares about Harry.
And Jac.
But he doesn't want to think about that.
He gets to his car. That's when the tears start.
...
The house is silent when Joseph opens the front door. It is three in the morning. It took him three hours to drive there and three to get back. He spent twenty minutes at her house, but when he had returned, he spent a long while just driving around aimlessly. It helped him forget. He is very tired now. He climbs the stairs and opens Harry's door. His little boy is sound asleep, and the sight make him smile. Only a little, though.
He goes through to his bedroom. He opens the door and sees Jen's sleeping from in the bed, rising and falling with her breaths. He undresses, and re-dresses quickly. Then he pulls the covers up and slips in, next to his wife. His thoughs are full of one thing. One thing only.
Jac.
Jac.
Jac.
Jac.
Then he promises himself something. He is not going to let this marriage fail because of her. He turns to face his wife, and strokes her face, gently, careful not to wake her. This is his life now. No more Jac. He has lost her.
...