AN: I was listening to 45 by Shinedown when this came to me. I don't agree with suicide and I don't condone it, just so everyone knows. When I originally published this there were 2 chapter but it expanded to 4, 3 story, and 1 author's note. I may not include the note this time around. Since I feel I must give you a warning: if you absolutely can't stand reading about someone who's given up, and is ready to take their own life, please, stop reading now. But I beg you, give it a chance.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. If I did...well, bad things would happen...
It's not the end…
45
(Send away for a priceless gift,)
The rain pounded down outside the window, plunging down, searching for Courscant's ground level, only adding to Leia's depression.
(One not subtle, one not on the list,)
Luke was gone, dead, after being gravely injured when they took Courscant. And Han…Han had been sent away on yet another mission last week.
(Send away for a perfect world, one not simply so absurd)
She wasn't sure why she expected everything to go so wonderfully after all that had happened. Maybe she'd thought that they could have the happy ending too, just like in the books she used to read as a child.
(In these times of doin' what you're told, keep these feelings, no one knows)
She was so alone now that Han had left. It seemed that the galaxy was hell bent on keeping them apart.
(Whatever happened to the young man's heart?)
She wondered if he cared that they were being separated. It was destroying her.
(Swallowed by pain as he slowly feel apart)
I just want it to stop, she thought.
(I'm starin' down the barrel of a 45)
I just want it to end.
(Swimmin' through the ashes of another life)
She looked at the pictures scattered on her bed. It felt like they belonged to someone else.
(No real reason to accept the way things have changed, starin' down the barrel of a 45)
She stared at the hold-out blaster that lay with them, the one she pulled from its holster earlier that day. You can't do it, it seemed to say.
(Send a message to the unborn child,)
She wondered for a moment what could have been, had things been different of course.
Would there have been marriages? Children?
(Keep your eyes open for a while,)
She stepped into the 'fresher and looked at herself in the mirror. A tired, strange looking woman greeted her and she was suddenly curious as to where the princess had gone.
(In a box, high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else,)
She turned back to her room and grabbed a piece of flimsy and began to write.
(There's a piece of a puzzle known as life, wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight)
It just doesn't make any sense any more. When you've lost the map you just have to find your own way out. No one failed me, but no one could fix me. ~Leia
(Whatever happened to the young man's heart, swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart)
In a sudden fit of rage she swept the vase off of her desk and it smashed on the floor, sending shards flying that cut her.
(And I'm starin' down the barrel of a 45)
She grabbed the blaster from the bed and stepped to the window, staring out.
(Swimmin' through the ashes of another life)
It was ironic really, that of all the people who'd ever pointed a blaster at her, she would be the one to pull the trigger.
(No real reason to accept the way things have changed, starin' down the barrel of a 45)
I'm getting out, she told herself.
(Everyone's pointing their fingers,)
She thought of everything that had happened after Endor.
(Always condemning me,)
Luke's death, the relocation, Han constantly being stationed away from her, the press finding out she was Vader's daughter.
(Nobody knows what I believe, I believe)
She had finally stopped going out in public and had resigned her position in the New Republic. No one but Han saw her anymore.
(And I'm starin' down the barrel of a 45)
Good bye, Han. I love you. She raised the blaster.
(Swimmin' through the ashes of another life)
She heard the door open behind her but didn't turn. She was done. She was getting out. She just hoped it wasn't Han, he wouldn't want to see this.
(No real reason to accept the way things have changed,)
"LEIA!"
(Starin' down the barrel of a 45)
She let go.
Only the beginning…