No Light
By: Wolfa Moon
Summary: S5. Request from Cariboucapecod. Insecure Castiel is feeling worthless because he's falling with needing reassurance and help from Dean and Sam.
Disclaimer: Own Nothing. Just having some fun.
No Light
Castiel, an angel of the lord, a warrior for good. For the humans. Going against everything he was taught. Everything that once mattered. Everything has changed. He is an angel but he is not. It is getting harder to do what is normal for him. Healing has all but gone. Just enough to heal himself and not be noticed. Grace GPS not really good for him right now. His warrior abilities still standard for angels but substandard for human. The way Dean and Sam move when they fight. Being defensive and offensive. The worry of being hurt for longer than a breath.
Being human it takes longer to heal. With this choice he is becoming injured longer. Yet he won't tell the brothers that. Also won't tell them that his wings are beginning to ache. It is getting harder and harder to fly. Something he loves and excels in. The ability to be free from the world. Travel in a blink of time. See the world slow. Life freeze to admire like a painting. Now they hurt.
He is being summoned again. Wondering to himself will this be the last time he can help them out as an angel. He had seen what Dean had seen in the future. Seeing the fallen, drugged out Castiel. Dean promising to make this not happen. The day may come that it will. That the hole where his grace is becomes so dark that it infects his being. Needing a light to get out of the hole. The only light is to just ignore it.
No light.
No Light
He stands behind them when he is summoned. They both turn to face him. Looking between both of them.
"Hey Cas," Sam speaks first. Dean nods to him.
"Cas." Cas looks between the both of them. The trip to the past had not been that long ago. Hating to have them care for him. He is an angel. Powerful and full of greatness. Deemed for so much more than what is happening. He chose though. Chose to be free. Yet that light he held so tight to his chest is beginning to dim. His wings hurt.
Maybe he can make this quick.
"What do you need?" they always needed something. Do this? Do that? Sure there are the few human moments they allow him in on. But he is just a tool to help fight. To end this grand war.
Sam tilts his head. They needed his help on translating something. Yet when he spoke those words in his gruff voice. Sam heard more than saw the pain. The lost fight inside the falling angel. He looks to Dean wondering if he sees it as well. Being the more emotional of the group he watches as Cas shoulders fidget.
Turning to the book again Sam speaks the weird tongue.
"In English?" Dean barks. Castiel moves to stand beside the seated Sam who is trying to read the book. Dean standing on the other side Cas came to occupy. This gives Sam a better chance to observe him. He sees the shoulders fidget and the power radiate. Before it made him feel small and powerless. Right now he felt like he was normal.
The lone angel who gave up everything for them. And how do they repay him.
"Cas, you okay?" Dean looks from his brother than to the angel. Sure they had seen the angel at his lowest. Bleeding from his mouth and nose. The little angel doing so much for them. Finally he sees it. The hair looks more greased.
Castiel fidgets again under their scrutiny.
"I am fine."
"You sure?" Dean asks.
"It is a potion recipe."
"For what?" Sam will get back to the angel in a minute.
"To bind a person. Basically if a person were to stray to far from the spell pouch. They would explode."
"Wow, that explains the deaths but how do we stop this." Cas shrugged and winced. This time Dean did notice. Also noticed how Cas backed away after he read the recipe. He had been doing that a lot. Before he would be right in their personal space. These days he would keep his distance. Maybe since he had hidden them he couldn't flap in right behind them. If Dean admitted it to himself he missed it. Missed how the angel would give him a little scare.
"I have no idea. It that all?" the brothers look from one another. Watching the angel fidget. Once so confidant now looking like a servant being called in for a menial task then dismissed like a dirty glass.
"Cas, you really okay?" Dean made to reach out and touch his shoulder but he flinched back. This got Sam up. Something is wrong with their angel. Their friend. Then a light formed in his head. His mind wondered what the angel did beside his god search and come at their beck and call. What else did he do? He couldn't go home. Couldn't talk to his brothers or sisters.
"I fine."
"No you're not." Sam spoke.
"I am an angel. I assure you I am fine."
"But you've been cut off." Dean being blunter than normal. Sam gazes sternly at him before turning back to the insecure angel. Wondering what it must be like to lose everything to gain nothing. Try and fight on a quest that probably had no way of being fulfilled.
Castiel looks up and glares at Dean. Anger forms and subsides.
"I am cut off Dean. I can't go home. If I see a brother or sister they are trying to kill me. I am hunted because I rebelled for you. So if there is something wrong then you have you're answer." Dean felt his guilt rising. People always sacrificing everything for them. For two boys who use to just hunt and kill demons. Now with this destiny thrust upon them. No light to shine them on what to do. So dark that they have to feel and see what comes when it is thrown in their face.
"Cas, that's not…"
"Cas, how are you feeling?" Sam had to get his shrink on. This moment of getting the angel to be so open could close with a door and a gust of wind.
"I am fine." He grunts again.
"How our your wings?" Sam may have never seen them. But Dean had described them to him. A shadow that filled the whole room. They reeked with power. Reading up on wings that they are a focal point of angels. That's what makes them angels.
Castiel flinched unconsciously at the mention of his wings. They still hurt from their time travel sabbatical. Then his solo draining trip back. His eyes travel over his shoulder to see the once beautiful wings that had some scorching from hell fire.
"They are fine." Dean snorted at the bullshit.
"Come on Cas tell us the truth." Cas looked to Dean then down. The brothers share a look. This man, this angel held so much power but with each day away from home. The angel shrank more into his human vessel.
"I am alone Dean. My wings they…" he backs away more. "The time travel hurt more than I thought it would. I have not recovered fully."
"Then why did you leave?"
"I did not wish to be a burden."
"Cas, you're a part of this family if you like it or not."
"We have no blood relation."
"Damn it Cas it is not all about blood. It's about who you would die for." Dean sighs. "Would you die for me?" Cas stares at Dean's question.
"I have already died for you." True they died more than any human on the planet. That death had been his first and he did it for them. For someone he believed in more than his family, his god/ father.
Dean nods at this. So many died. But he came back. Grateful to have him back. To have failed another person who had gotten close. Close enough to be called friend. To be another brother. To be family.
"Right, so, see you are a part of this family. We have our faults but we could always use more."
"I am not…" welcomed, deserve that. Cas closes his eyes. He wants to fly away but his wings hurt. They are trembling. Making his vessel tremble. He can't have this. He is an angel. All powerful and they are human. Humans die. He may die. "I am not worthy of any family." He had abandoned his. Did he deserve another?
"To late pal, you've been adopted." Cas looks to see the brothers looking at him. Sam smiles at him. He tries to see inside of them. See that they hold him dear and not just a weapon, a translator. He is back up but they want him there because he can be.
Cas tries to spread his wings but he can't. It pains him. The light inside him growing dim.
Then the light flares with life. Someone is hugging him. Not a simple hello or goodbye hug. Not a half armed or shoulder squeezed hug. This is a full blown hug. Being held tight to another body. One that is strong and demanding for him to relax and accept. His light flickers with want and more oxygen to consume. Oxygen that is shared with other beings. More specific two brothers whose home they only had is their family. Is this family.
"Cas, you are apart of this. You're my brother." Cas eyes open to see Sam shuffling behind them. Seeing he wants to join in but unsure. Hugging is nice. Tactile contact. Dean breaks the chick flick moment up. "You're one of us. It may not be the greatest of clubs but we aren't half bad. And it could be much worse." Cas looks to Sam.
"Goes for me as well."
"Are you going to hug me?" Castiel wonders if Sam will take the request as the question posses or an offer. Sam moves in hugging the angel.
"Never hugged an angel before. And welcome to the family." Cas still wonders if he should accept the honor. Is he worthy of it? He had already failed his family. What if he failed this one too?
"Now that chick flick moment is over. Let's gank the douche doing this." He claps his hand. "You coming Cas?"
"You want my assistance?" Dean looks to heaven for help with the angel. Could the angel be so blind/dense. Then he realized Castiel is an angel and new to all this.
"I want you to fight beside us." He is a warrior and his former compatriots were his brothers. Trading one set for another. Could he still fight? He had killed his brothers.
The once flickering light dimmed under his insecurity. Sam looks to Dean seeing it. Seeing Cas deflate. So unlike the angel they know. But then the angel has been through so much of his short span on earth. He had lived to fight and kill his brother to protect Dean. Yanked back to bible school hell. Came back even after that to defy his elders for them. To explode in chunky soup description. To death then back to life to be cut off from his family. To find a mission that probably had no end in sight. Being a resource for a team that wanted to control their destiny and not be ruled by what should be. What is written. Making their own fate. Needing a light to bind and guide them.
"Cas we need you?" Sam spoke. He had caused this. Caused Cas to become uncertain of his place. For he went AWOL from his superiors. Became a traitor. Cas seemed confident in his visits but how much of that is a screen.
"I will help." Dean smiles.
"Good, lets go gank this thing." Dean is emotionally stunted. But he knows what is good. What is right. What needs to be done. Knows Cas needs a distraction. Needs to do something to know he is worthy of being here. Chose the right side to fight for.
Opening the door he waits for his brothers to past him. Then an urge springs upon him. He reaches out to touch Cas on the shoulder. Cas doesn't wince at this. He crumples into the side of the door and the back of Sam. Sam who heard the gasp. Turning to see Castiel fall.
No Light
He heard the boys arguing. They needed to go gank the witch before it killed again. Yet they also wanted to stay with him. They grumbled at him to stay here. They would be back. They left him
Everyone leaves. He curled in on himself. Wanting to fade away. He had served his purpose, hadn't he. He had given everything. Why is the world so cruel? Why can't it leave him be? Reaching out to touch what is unseen. Feeling the pain. The light inside of him blinking in and out. So small now. So alone. He felt so alone when once he could never think in the solo. It is cold when you are alone. No warmth. Never knew he could be this cold. This alone.
They come back.
No Light
Dean parks the car. Sam is out of the car even before it is fully idle.
"Sam," Dean calls. "Where's the fire?" Sam had always been the emotion of the group. Dean having to mature beyond his years so quickly. His emotions stunted. Recently beginning to mature into them. Accept them. Yet there is that line drawn in the sand by their father. You are a solider and emotions get you killed. They get you killed but they also make you alone. Sam is light in the dark. Sam holds his emotions. Getting out he goes inside. Inside to find Sam trying to maneuver the curled up angel.
"Dean get the blankets off my bed."
"Dude," Sam is holding Cas to him.
"Dean, now." Holding up his hands he does as ordered. Coming over with them he flays the out to cover the two. Reaching out he touches Cas' head. It's not hot. It is ice.
"He's freezing. He wasn't this bad when we left."
"Maybe he was and didn't tell us."
"Why would he do that?"
"He's an angel." stating a fact that Cas stood by. He's default to whatever he understood and didn't. Something they didn't really understand. Just knowing out of all they have met they only had one that is on their side. One that has done everything for them. Now they don't know how to help him.
"Maybe it's because he is falling." Dean didn't want to state the obvious but it is there. The elephant in the room. The same room when they cornered him into taking them back in time to save their parents. The same one where they called him when they needed help. They needed. The same one where Dean saw what could happen to the stoic angel. Interesting to see another side to Cas. Yet one so brow beat. Only solace in drugs and women. What did he tell him?
A hole where everything he was once was. Being empty. Needing to fill it with something.
"Damn it. Scoot over." Sam moves pulling Cas with him.
"What Dean?" he had seen his brother's expression change. Seeing gears moving inside his head.
"He's falling." Dean moves around securing the room. Sam watches as the angel shivers in his arms. "God damn you." Cursing the heavens. "Cas, why didn't you tell us." Turning back to the bed.
"Dean, what?"
"Sam his mojo is going."
"Ok," he knew that was happening. But why the anger. "So what Dean?"
"He should have told us."
"He tried but we made him. We…"
"Use him like a gun." Dean hated himself. Castiel is the only friend he ever really had. The nerd angel finding a home with the other misfits.
No Light
Dean looks down at the angel. Wondering still why people devoted their life to their cause. Dying around them for what, the greater good. They aren't worth it yet, they sacrifice. And this angel gave and agave. Served the higher purpose which h thought is right. Yet here he is falling. Becoming one of them. Wondering when that hole will become too big for Cas to bear alone. When he will turn to drugs. No Dean would change that. He would be there for him this time. Not give up.
Cas felt like he was flying and drowning all at once. Fighting air current and the tides pull to go under. The air being sucked from his breathe. The pull of heaven and the water of earth drowning him. He is scared. This is all new to him. Never has he felt so vulnerable. Sure he is strong but now he can see why humans struggle and fear. Fear the reaper. Fear the scissors that will cut their fate line. The unknown of what is to come. He needs to wake up. Needs to stop falling, stop drowning. Or maybe he should just accept.
Snapping up he gasp as he awakes on a motel bed alone. Sucking in the breath of life. Needing it more than he knows. The ocean recedes for now. He can feel the breeze. Still part of heaven. Looking around he takes in the room. Then his eyes fall on the other occupant.
"Hey Cas," Cas takes him in.
"Hello Sam."
"How you feeling?"
"I am better. Thank you."
"So are you gonna tell us?" he looks into Sam's eyes. Sees that the younger brother knows more than what is being spoken. Cas looks away ashamed of his weakness. "Dean told me about the future verse he was sent to. Where you fell to humanity. I became Lucifer." Castiel saw snippets of that future when Dean dwelled upon them. But never straight forward asked him about it. To be blunt is Dean's style but also to hold his feeling and secrets close to his chest. "So how bad is it?"
Castiel shivered. His hands clenching into the blankets pooled around him.
"I," have been falling faster than I should. Scared. Alone. "Sam, I…"
"Talk to me Castiel." Sam the only one to really call him still by his full name.
"It is nothing you can help with."
"We can try. You're part of this team, this family." Dean's words. Dean wouldn't down right admit it to the angel that he is considered family. Just gathered others would see it through his actions. Yet Castiel is an angel. Unaware of human customs. "How bad is it getting?"
"It is getting difficult to fly." Something he was so gifted with doing. Able to glide through the world in a flap of a hummingbird wings. "I feel heavy."
"Your also freezing." Castiel nods to this. He could feel the cold depth growing inside of him.
"Yes, my grace is fading. I am becoming more…"
"Human." Castiel nods at the species name like it is a curse or an illness. Something to overcome with a cure. There is a cure but that would go against everything he has been fighting for. And he would no longer be Castiel friend of humanity. Member of team free will. He would be a drone told where to go and who to annihilate. Probably be the one ordered to take out the Winchesters.
"Yes."
"Being human is not all that bad. You'd have us." Castiel looks to Sam. Wondering how much truth he held in those words. Did he have a place here? Did he have a place with them?
"I do not believe being human is bad. It is just," to never go home. To be alone. "You have Dean. You do not need me."
"Yeah but Dean needs you." Castiel shivers. Sam gets up picking up his hot chai latte coming over to stand before Cas. "Drink this." Cas slowly reaches out and takes the container. It is hot in his frozen hands. Looking up to a smiling Sam. Cas drinks. The warmth floods him on the inside. "Good, huh." Castiel finishes it in a few more gulps.
"Thank you."
"You deserve it. You also deserve so much more than just us."
"I would be honored to have you, but I am…" nothing.
"You do and an angel and a warrior for us. Cas, do I have to spell it out. You're family. You're one of us. Hate to break it to you." Sam sits beside the angel. "It's not all glamorous. But we are truth. You're one of us. And we are with you. I'm sorry." Castiel looks to Sam. What could he be sorry for? He had just confessed how much he meant to them. That he has a place when he thought he had none. He needed the words. But why is he sorry.
"Sorry?"
"You've done so much for us and we never thank you. Thank you Cas." Sam holds out his hands. It feels like the first time they met. A nervous and anxious Sam overwhelmed by having angels before him. A curious and stoic angel staring at him. Identifying him by what the other angels had defined him. When Sam is so much more. Castiel takes it.
"Thank you, Sam." Sam smiles.
No Light
Dean comes back later to see Sam and Castiel at the small kitchenette. Sam is cooking something. It smells great.
"Hey, what are you cooking?" Sam looks over his shoulder. Turning he wipes his hands on the washcloth hanging over it.
"We're making pancakes."
"We?"
"Yeah," Sam shrugs. "We are making them."
"It is ready to be flipped." Cas announces into the rooms confusion of what the hell is going on.
"Then flip it." Dean has to see this. Stepping further into the room he watches as Cas takes the spatula and flips the pancake.
"Good job Cas." Dean says with a smile at the perfect flip.
"Thank you." Cas focuses on the pancake. Dean turns to Sam.
"What's going on?" whispering like the angel can't hear them in the short distance of the room.
"We talked. Cas just needed some reassurance that he had family still. He has a place to go to when he falls." Dean shakes his head. Sam sighs, "If you would just talk to him instead of the eye sex you share."
"We do not have eye sex."
"Then what do you call it."
"Silent communication."
"A profound bond," Sam laughs. "Cas is better now. He knows he has a place and that's what he needs. He needs us there for him as well."
"I know Sam." Dean rubs a hand over his face. He knows. Knows that he has to be more vigilant. Has to take better care of his friends. He only has the one left.
"Do you," Dean and Sam glare at one another. They're silent fighting.
"I do."
No Light
Castiel hears everything said and not said. It is almost like listening to angel radio as Dean calls it. Being one and amongst his brothers. Yes it is only 2 that were once a vast ocean of noise. But the few waves that crashed upon him are very welcome.
Looking at the pancake he lets himself relax. The weight of his wings are heavy but they have grown a little lighter as well. Reaching out he flips the pancake. It is a nice and even brown on both side. Now what does he do.
"Sam?"
"In a minute Cas." Sam is still borrowing holes into his brother's thick skull. Need to appreciate what you have before it is taken from you. They know this better than anyone. Yet with Dean you needed a 2 by 4 to knock it into him. "Dean, talk to him."
"I will."
"Good." They both sniff the air. Sam gets up going to the kitchen. The pancake is not an even brown anymore. One side brown the other a little crispy.
"You took the plate with which to set it on." Sam looks at his back to the table where he left he plate.
"My bad Cas." Sam moves the pancake off the griddle. "You sit. I'll make the next batch."
"Thank you Sam."
"Anytime." Cas moves from the kitchen to see Dean sitting in the chair staring at him.
"How you feeling Cas?"
"I am better, thank you."
"Better how?"
"I am not as tired as I once was."
"And how is your mojo?"
"It is…" Cas looks down ashamed again.
"That bad." Cas stares at Dean. "Cas, you're one of us. I hope Sam told you." Sighing heavily, he is no good at this. "Cas, your family. Ok," he enforces with his gun hoe, no questions ask attitude.
"Ok." Cas goes to the blankets. He is still cold. Not that he wants to admit it. The extra layers had helped. Dean watches as Cas picked us the blankets.
"You cold still?"
"Yes." Cas wonders how to do it. Then they are taken from him.
"Lay down Cas." Turning to see Dean take the blankets. "Come on Cas I know you need to recharge your batteries. Let us watch over you." Cas moves to the bed laying down. Dean moves around the bed making sure Cas is covered. Remembering doing this for Sam when he was a kid. Wrapping him up so nothing could crawl into bed and get him. Realizing now in this moment of showed love. He has another brother. Confirming it by smiling at Cas. Yeah, he has another brother.
"Cas, don't hide shit from us ever again."
"I will try not to."
"You don't need to come whenever we call. You can come over whenever. And right now you are staying with us. No flying away." Cas' wings still hurt so he would not be flying anytime soon. He is still vulnerable. But the words and actions. Thinking himself so alone. And now not to be.
"I will remain."
"Good, rest okay. We'll leave tonight."
He finally had a place. He had a family again. Not a conventional one. But who wanted ordinary anyway.
No Light
Request: Falling Sam and Dean reassuring him that he's a part of their family or that they won't leave him.