Chapter 1 – Paradise Lost & Found…Maybe

(A/N): Sadly, I do not own Gossip Girl, Blair Waldorf, Chuck Bass, or any other character…yet ;)

I feel numb, there isn't anything that can make me feel anymore – aside from the one thing I try so hard not to think about but nevertheless consumes my thoughts all the time.

I couldn't gather myself enough to stand up and go into my bedroom, so I just lay down on the cold tile floor of my private bathroom. The door is locked but it's only a matter of minutes before Dorota is bound to knock on the door. Ever since the…incident, she's been even more protective than usual and never leaves my side for more than half an hour at a time; which makes it difficult for me when I need those moments of release.

Most of what I do anymore is cry…or this. I stay in the apartment these days. Serena comes by every once and a while, but she knows I need to be alone, plus she and Lily have grieving and mourning of their own to deal with back at the VDW's. Even Rufus, Erik, Dan, everyone has fallen into a deep sadness at his absence, but no one as much as me.

*knocking on door*

"I'll be out in a minute, Dorota." I said quietly, attempting to gather myself.

"B, it's me…Dorota's still out, I ran into Vanya downstairs." The voice of my best friend came through the crack under the door. Normally I would have been thrilled to hear Serena home after so long, but nothing is normal anymore, and all I want right now is to not get caught doing this, and to be alone.

"S, I really don-"

"I know you're hurting, B." Serena said, cutting Blair off. "Please just open the door, I need to talk to you, I haven't heard from you and I worry about you."

I could hear that there was something off in her voice, was it fear? Desperation? But S said she needed to talk, and the waver in her voice made me realize she really meant it. I slowly got up and looked at myself in the mirror, the first time in a month. You could tell I'd been crying, that couldn't be fixed, so I straightened my clothes and opened the door to see my best friend.

I had never seen her like this before. She looked shaken, like she hadn't slept, her hair was a disaster and she was wearing and old Constance t-shirt and Pink sweatpants. Serena van der Woodsen never wore sweatpants, and especially not out of the house where someone might see her.

"Hey, S." I said quietly, barely meeting her eyes, afraid that if I did she would know what I had been up to in the bathroom.

"Oh, B." She pulled me into a huge hug, "I don't think I can hold it together anymore." She pulled back and looked at me. I could see the hurt in her eyes, the way the corners of her mouth turned down. She was taking this harder than I realized.

"What's wrong, S?" I took her hands and led her to my bed, we both needed to sit down.

"Everything. I can't handle it anymore, I think I've reached my breaking point."

"Wait, S, calm down. Now, slower, what's got you like this? I've never seen this Serena before."

"It's Chu-" she stopped and turned her head away.

"It's okay, S. You can say his name." I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat.

"It's Chuck, B. I'm dying inside…I've been trying to stay strong for my mom, you know? But I can't hold it together any longer. I'm hurting too…I miss him, B."

"I understand exactly what you mean. Don't take offense to this, but why did you come to me about this…the weakest link in this circle when it comes to this?" I didn't mean to but I was getting kind of frustrated, and it was evident in my voice. "of all the people, I'm the one who's suffering the most here. I don't mean to sound selfish, but…"

"B, he was my brother! One of my best friends! You really think I shouldn't care? That I shouldn't miss him or be sad he's gone?"

"Sure, yeah I get it that you're upset he's gone, S. But have you thought about how much this is killing me?" I was near tears by now, but I wouldn't let them fall.

"Of course I have, B! I know how much you love him, how much he means to you! What happened to Chuck is terrible, and I know you miss him more than me, but think about the fact that there are other people who care too, like my mom. She was the only mother he ever had! And since he was a little boy, she's loved him as a son! And I've been best friends with him since I was like two, and then he became my brother! This hurts me too, B!"

"But you weren't there!" I finally lost my composure. It all hit me at once; my anger at Chuck for leaving me, the hurt of how he had done it, the confusion of why he felt like he did, my fear of never seeing his face again, of never shaking the pain I felt inside every day without him, the lump in my throat that could only be temporarily fixed by my cycle of binging and purging that I'd fallen back into, and the memory I would have forever of finding him in his bed, cold and still. I will always have the thoughts of what if in my head; what if I had been there that night, what if I hadn't said the things I said but didn't mean before I left. Would it have changed what happened?

"What do you mean, B?...weren't there for what?" she had forgotten her pain and was focused completely on me now.

"I was the one who found him." The tears I had been fighting so hard to hold back started to fall. "I was the one who came back to his place at the Empire that night to find him lying in his bed."

"Wait, but…I thought Nate…"

"No, it was me. Everyone just assumed it was Nate because he lives there, and because he made the 911 call, but that's only because he came home and found me, he took care of me."

"Oh, B. I had no idea! Why didn't you tell me? I wanted to be here for you."

"I didn't tell anyone. You're the only person other than Nate who knows, I made him swear he wouldn't tell."

"But why, B?" she sounded so hurt and confused.

"Because, I knew if he told anyone about how he found me, and the state I was in, they'd send me somewhere or lock me in a padded room."

"But, Blair, you've already done that to yourself. You're not going to get any better if you stay cooped up inside forever."

"Of course I can. This is New York; I can live on take-out, Dorota can run errands for me, I can shop online…"

"B, you never shop online, besides, you'll go crazy in here after a while."

"I'll be fine, S. I promise." I could tell I didn't sound reassuring at all, but I didn't feel like exerting the effort needed to successfully lie to my best friend. "Right now I just need a nap, besides, Dorota will probably be back any second."

"Okay, but I'm coming back. And I'm going to talk to Nate…"

"S, please, don-"

"There's nothing you can do to stop me, B. This is for your own good." And with that Serena got in the elevator, leaving me alone once again in the apartment. Though I was never really alone; my thoughts are always full of Chuck.

A few minutes later Dorota came home with the groceries and came upstairs to check on me.

"Miss Blair, Vanya said Miss Serena come by little while ago. He said when she leave, on phone with Mr. Nate asking about you." She had that typical Dorota face, trying to snoop by showing more concern that necessary.

"I'm not going to explain right now, Dorota." Just as I finished replying, I felt my stomach start churning and rushed to the bathroom.

Dorota followed me. When I was done I looked up at her. "Miss Blair, are you feeling not so good? Not like you to get sick. Even when tiny and had flu for week, only threw up once or twice…"

"I'm fine, Dorota. I must have just eaten something that was bad. It's fine." But inside I was freaking out. She was right, I never throw up, even when I'm sick. Besides, if I were going to throw up from having the flu or something, I'm pretty sure I would have taken care of that earlier. No, there was something else going on. I started to think back through my day; what was today? The second week of March…what had I eaten today? Nothing that would have made me sick or could have been expired…wait, the second week of March! The second week of the month…I was supposed to start my period a week ago!