Prologue – Final Fantasy Tactics: WHO CARES!
RSE - I am RSE. A scholar of ancient Ivalice history.
Everybody - Boooooooooooo! Get off the stage!
RSE - SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!
Everybody - shuts up and sits down
RSE - Now, as I was saying, a very long time ago in a war known as the 50 Years War, wait, I forgot NO ONE CARES. Ramza hurry up and show them what it was like. I'm hungry.
Ramza - OK... well let's go!
at the church
Princess - God, please don't let us die! I don't want to die! I'm too young to die!
Simon - slaps her Snap out of it! No one is going to die!
Sephiroth - They will if I can help it...
Agrias - Quiet! All of you! Princess, we need to leave.
Gafgarion, Rad, and Ramza enter
Gafgarion - What the hell is taking so damn long? We've been waiting nearly an hour!
Agrias - Silence Gafgarion, you rude knave! We leave when the princess commands!
Gafgarion - ... SHE'S TOO SCARED TOO MOVE! And the enemy isn't even here yet!
Agrias - Don't be rude to the Princess, Gafgarion!
Gafgarion - Or what?
Agrias - Or you won't get paid!
Gafgarion shuts up and a wounded knight enters
Knight - Lady Agrias, the enemy...
Princess - I knew it! We really are all gonna die! AHHHHHH! thump
Gafgarion - I think she fainted... let's go! stops What's wrong Ramza? You looked stoned.
Ramza - Huh? Wha? What's going on? Oh, no I'm fine.
Gafgarion - Right... Well then let's go kill some people.
Sephiroth - Yay!
Sephiroth runs outside and the others follow. They find 3 archers, a knight, a chemist, and a summoner
Ramza - WHAT? They have a summoner! No fair!
RSE - Tough. You have Sephiroth so I had to make it sort of balanced somehow.
Ramza - Oh yeah...
Battle starts
Sephiroth - Let's kill them all! Weeeeeeeeeee!
Gafgarion - Yeah, what he said...
Gafgarion moves forward and uses Knight Blade on one of the archers
Archer - Owie! Wahaaahaaa! runs off crying
Sephiroth - My turn! slices the summoner in half from where he was standing originally with his huge masamune
Everyone - ... Weak...
Sephiroth - Bwahahahahahahahaha! kills one of the archers
Rad - Hey! I had dibs on that one!
Sephiroth - Tough .
Agrias kills the chemist with Stasis Sword and then Ramza uses Crush punch and kills the remaining archers
Ramza - Bwahahahaha! PH34R T3H GAMESHARK! I mean um... I hate cheaters...
RSE - Right. Wait, where are we? Oh oops. You're not supposed to start here, so back you go!
Ramza - What? We did all this for nothing!
RSE - Yep! Sorry 'bout that. Oh well you just won't have to do this battle when you get here. Now, off to the academy with you!
Ramza - But we already know I make it to here at least!
RSE - I don't care, and besides, you missed crucial plot information.
Ramza - ... I hate you.