Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Dick Wolf and company. I have just borrowed them for my own, and hopefully your, amusement.
Summary/Author's Note: Just a little vignette post-Rage. I had to give it a shot, it was begging for it. I commend all the other writers who have submitted post-eps and the Wolf team for putting such a powerful episode together in the first place.
Olivia walked into the darkened squad room but found it empty. Her concern for Elliot had had her unable to settle in for the night and when she couldn't reach him on either of his phones she had gotten back into her car. She just wanted to check the office first before driving all the way out to Queens. She hoped he would be in one place or the other, Manhattan was too big a city and it was entirely too late to begin combing all of it. She just wasn't going to be able to sleep without knowing he was all right, all things considered that is. He wasn't at their desk, so that left the crib. At least he better be in the crib and not working out his frustration on the weight bench again. He was in no condition to be doing anything that strenuous without a spotter.
That thought drove her to run quickly up the stairs. She didn't want to wake him if he was actually getting some sleep but she now had the image of him lying up there hurt. Thankfully the weight room was also empty. On a sigh of relief she went through to the next room and let out another sigh at the sight of her partner, asleep on his back on one of the lower bunks. Coming further into the room she stood looking down at him quietly. Even in sleep he didn't seem at peace, his brow was still furrowed and lines bracketed his mouth. Then her eyes caught sight of his bloodied hands as they rested on his stomach.
"Oh, Elliot," she whispered, tears gathering as she sat down heavily on the bench in front of the lockers. "What did you do?" She looked around for any clue as to what had happened, he had been physically fine when she left him earlier. Finally seeing his locker beside her she saw the blood and the dents. Damn, he had done quite a number on it or it on him. Her heart ached, he was in so much pain lately and she didn't know how to help him. Correction, she didn't know how to get him to let her help him. He had been pushing her away or simply shutting her out for months now, even before Kathy had left, and she had yet to find a way to change that. Every once in a while he let her have a glimpse of what was going on inside but then the doors slammed shut again, with her on the outside. And she had to admit; her feelings were hurt at the hot and cold treatment.
But she had to put her own feelings aside, again, and try to reach him, again. This wasn't about her. He had been her lifeline so many times over the years. And in the past, while he had talked with her about the horrors of the job, he always had his family to keep him grounded. Now, without their constant presence, he was floundering. She wanted to be there for him as he had always been there for her but he was fighting her every step of the way. He was her friend though and, since her mother's death, probably the closest thing she had to family. So she would keep coming back no matter how many times he pushed her away. She would put up with his rage and his doubts and continue to try and assuage his pain and his stress about the job. She wasn't going to let him go down without a fight. Even if it took them both down in the process.
Rubbing her hands over her eyes and then down her neck she took a deep breath. The last few days had been exhausting. Between the relentless interviews with Rickets and watching Elliot continue to battle his demons, she was completely drained. She couldn't leave him though, even if he had no way of knowing she was there. Her ever-growing concern for him compelled her to watch over him now, even in sleep. Rising from the bench she moved over to one of the other lower bunks and, stretching out on it, she turned on her side so she could still see him. As her tired body relaxed her thoughts finally began to settle and she eventually drifted off to sleep.
Elliot moved restlessly in his sleep, the motion causing one of his hands to fall from his chest. As his ruined knuckles struck the mattress the pain startled him awake. At first unsure of his surroundings, he let out deep sigh as his eyes adjusted to the darkened room. He was in the crib. The events of the last few days replayed in his head, right up to his attack on the locker. After he had finally brought his raging emotions under some kind of control he hadn't been able to work up the energy to move any further from the bench then the bunk next to it. Collapsing on it he had simply laid there and waited for sleep to offer him some respite from his mind. Now that he was awake again after what was probably only a few hours he couldn't say he felt any stronger or refreshed. He was however completely aware of the pain in both of his hands. Raising them to get a better look at the damage he caught sight of the room's other occupant. Olivia.
He hadn't heard her come back and wondered how long she had been there. She was curled on her side facing him, one hand resting underneath her cheek. Not for the first time he thought about what a remarkable woman his partner was. He had pushed her away tonight and he had seen the hurt in her eyes when he refused her offer for dinner. But still here she was, watching his back once again.
This evening wasn't the first time he had hurt her in recent months and he was afraid it wouldn't be the last. Never had he felt his life spiraling as out of control as it had over the last year. Nothing, not he and Kathy getting pregnant so young, not the stresses of the job, had ever hit him this hard. His family was gone, he didn't know if they would be back, and he felt like part of himself was missing with them. And mixed in with the pain of that loss and the uncertainty of the future was the effect it was all having on his work. In the past, going home to his family had always given him the chance to recharge and gain the strength to fight again. Now that place was just a house and a bitter reminder of what once was. And with no way to turn off the terrible things he saw every day they just kept building up inside him. So did his anger. And Olivia was often bearing the brunt of that. One way or another he had to stop taking out his anger on his partner. She had done nothing to deserve it but stand by him and try to help.
He knew she was worried about him. Hell, he was worried about himself. She tried to get him to talk or just stood by and offered silent support. She backed his play but also called him on his attitude. She took up the slack with paperwork and had even made sure he could spend time with his kids on his birthday. In short she had gone above and beyond the call of partnership and friendship time and time again. And he repaid her by shutting her out and hurting her. And he wasn't even going to go back to the whole situation with Rebecca. And yet she kept coming back and he thanked God for it and her. He had lost so much recently; he didn't know what he would do if she left him too.
How had his life come to this? And what the hell was coming next? This is not where he expected to be at this point in his life: hoping to see his kids once a week, wondering if a 20 year marriage could be saved, and doubting his abilities on the job. Rickets had gotten to him in the interrogation room when he asked him what he would be without the control offered by his wife, his family, Cragen. The answer to that question was something he feared more and more lately. He could feel the anger building inside him and he knew he wasn't dealing with it well. He was in danger of losing it with a perp or God forbid a victim or fellow cop. He just didn't know how to handle all of this and that was not a place in which he usually found himself. He knew Olivia, Cragen, Huang, even Kathy would tell him to talk about it. But it was difficult to change the habits of a lifetime. Something had better change soon though. He didn't know how much longer he could go on the way things were. And if he totally lost control and crossed that line, well the ramifications of that he didn't think he would be able to live with.
Looking over at the other bed again he saw Olivia had wakened. She was still on her side but her eyes were now open and focused on him. Thankfully they were not filled with pity, just concern. She offered him a slight smile before she pulled herself up to sit on the edge of her bunk. He was surprised when she didn't immediately ask him what he was doing there or what had happened. In fact she didn't say a word. She just quietly stood up and walked into the bathroom. Sitting up himself he stayed on the bed, his head once again in his hands. He heard water running in the other room and cabinets being opened before he heard Olivia come back into the room. He didn't raise his head however until he felt her kneel in front of him.
Olivia placed a bowl of warm water, towel, and other first aid supplies at her side before meeting Elliot's eyes. Without saying a word she simply held out her hands, her eyes held fast to his. For a moment they were frozen in that tableau. Then Elliot broke the stalemate. Briefly he closed his eyes before opening them again, now bright with unshed tears. And lowering his hands he placed them in hers.