Disclaimer: Do you really think that I'd let them cancel Teen Titans if I were in charge? Come on now, be reasonable. I am not the owner of Teen Titans or any related stuff. You dig?

Terra and Me

I lost my virginity when I was sixteen years old.

It was with Beast Boy, on the night before I betrayed the Titans. I slipped into his room that night and told him what I wanted. He was unwilling at first, but then I said loved him. I said I wanted him to be 'the one.' I said I wanted to do it before I died.

I'm not sure what did it. Maybe Beast Boy picked up on the gloomy atmosphere that had descended upon Titan's Tower. Maybe he thought, in the dangerous life of a teenage superhero, the chances of dying tomorrow are much greater than those of an ordinary teenager, and that there might never be another opportunity.

Maybe he really loved me. Or maybe his hormones got the best of him.

I don't know. I didn't ask.

He was surprisingly experienced, more so than you would think for someone his age. But he was only a few months younger than me at the time. It was obvious, though, that it wasn't his first time. I, of course, had never even kissed anyone besides Beast Boy.

I always swore to myself that I wouldn't die a virgin. It was just this weird thing that I thought of one night, many years ago, after a few guys tried to harass me. They were the first people I'd seen for months, so I either didn't notice or didn't want to notice their drunken advances. One of them jumped me and pinned me down. I didn't do anything. I guess I was a little curious.

But it got weird after that. He didn't rape me, but he came pretty close and it freaked me out. My powers got loose and the guys were buried in a landslide. I yanked my clothes on and ran. To this day, I don't know if any of them survived.

I was twelve at the time, and I kept thinking that I did something wrong, that I should've let it happen. So I swore to myself that next time, I'd do it for real.

It wasn't until I turned fourteen that I realized how wrong I was. Again, I swore that I would lose my virginity before I died, but it would be with someone who mattered, not some drunk pervert in a godforsaken desert.

So I did fulfill my promise. I did it before I died.

Because the next day, I died.

Or at least, Terra died. She died the instant she put on Slade's suit and annihilated her friends, including Beast Boy.

Terra was a superhero. Superheroes do not do what I did.

Somehow, I was reincarnated. At least that's what I think happened. I woke up one day and I was a different person. I wasn't Terra. I wasn't Slade's apprentice. I wasn't anyone.

And I built my life from that. Some social workers found me wandering the streets and brought me to a home. I was put into a foster family. We get along all right. I go to a normal school. I made friends, worked hard, lived a normal life.

At first I didn't remember anything. Then, slowly, fragments of memory came drifting back to me through my dreams. I knew better than to dismiss them as dreams. There was a part of me that refused to forget, even though I knew I never wanted to acknowledge those memories as my own.

One of the first things I realized about myself, in the months after my awakening, was that I wasn't a virgin. I realized while at a friend's house for a sleepover party. We were talking about boys and sex and other girl stuff, and someone said something like, 'I swear I'm going to die a virgin if So-and-so doesn't speed things up soon' and suddenly I just knew. I could feel the certainty of it inside me: I had lost my virginity. I wasn't even shocked. It was like the knowledge had been there all along, but I'd only become aware of it now.

Normally I'm okay with not knowing much of my past, but this was disconcerting. I couldn't remember who or when; but I knew.

Needless to say, I was quiet for the rest of the night.

I was content with my life. I got good grades, played on the soccer team, made friends, dated a few guys. Sometimes I had moments like when I discovered that I wasn't a virgin, but mostly I was okay when something from my previous life was revealed to me. It was sort of like the me from before was an entirely different person, and I was just watching her story. We were two separate people, she and I. Terra and me. And I was happy with that.

But then Beast Boy showed up. And he called me Terra.

I knew who he was, of course. The Teen Titans are famous. But somehow I never connected him with the funny green kid from Terra's memories.

As soon as I saw him, I knew he was the one I had lost my virginity to. That was mostly why I kept talking to him. Curiosity. I wasn't angry with him—I knew that he hadn't raped me or anything. But I was uncomfortable around him because of it. I couldn't look him in the eye.

Beast Boy is a constant reminder that Terra and I were one and the same, something I choose to forget. I know Terra did terrible things. And I don't want to be Terra anymore. I just want to be me.

But Beast Boy wouldn't let me. He wasn't ready to let go of Terra; I was. I had already let her go.

He told me most of Terra's past. I remembered things as he talked, saw them as they happened. I learned more about Terra, about who she was, what she was like. I found out what my first time was like.

And all it did was make me realize how different she and I really are.

Terra liked anchovies on her pizza. I hate fish of any kind.

Terra liked living outside. I'm afraid of bugs and I hate getting dirty.

Terra liked volleyball. I like soccer.

Terra fell in love with Beast Boy. I know that even if he hadn't tried to make me into someone I refused to be, I would probably have never even looked at him twice. He's just not my type. She thought he was funny. I think his jokes are lame and only laugh to be polite.

Terra had superpowers. She could move the earth. I hate dirt. I can't stand being filthy, and the most earth-moving I can do is dig a hole with a shovel.

Terra was a superhero.

I'm not.

But Beast Boy is a niggling reminder that once I was Terra and that I could be her again. And I know that it won't ever fully go away, because he'll never fully go away. I lost my virginity to him. We're connected, just a little bit. Enough so that I know I'll never forget him. Even though I don't want to be Terra ever again, Beast Boy is a part of me forever, no matter how much I wish he weren't.

Terra...

Things change, Beast Boy.

The girl you want me to be is just a memory.

Author's Notes:

Fear not; the end is not near. In fact, it is in a galaxy far far away, past infinity and beyond...but I'm getting ahead of myself here. There are at least two more sequels on their way, faster than the speed of light.

I wrote this after seeing Things Change, but most of it stems from Betrayal and other related scenes from Season Two, which, unfortunately, I haven't seen any episodes from in ages, so pardon me if things are non-canonical. Rather, I know somethings are deliberately out of canon, so call it a slightly AU-ish twist, if you will.

Sorry for rambling; I just wanted to clarify myself. Did I succeed?

Thanks for reading; hope you'll review. I'll try to reply to any reasonable questions, so feel free to ask.

Audley Spacing Out Here

PS I am oddly attracted to the idea of BB as an experienced guy--don't ask me why, but I am.