Title: Regrets and sanctuaries
Pairing: Alexander/Hephaistion, Hephaistion/OMC, implied Alexander/Roxanne
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: implied m/m slash, angst, fluff
Word Count: 2,700
A/N: Written for the Alexander Alphabet Challenge. I realized after writing this that I seem to be obsessed with the events of Alexander's marriage and how it affected Phai. Turns out I wrote about it before in a different light and with different circumstances, but because of that I will be doing another "R" fic to make up for my obsession.
Hephaistion pushed the deadweight of the slumbering body away from him. He hadn't wanted the unfamiliar hands pawing at him, but at the same time, he had craved the feeling of having someone, anyone, caress him, touch him, comfort him. He'd been lonely, his heart bleeding in his chest, his lips and cheek swollen from Cleitus' wrath, his pride all but abolished. He'd been in agony on the inside and out so he'd done the one thing he had always said he wouldn't, he'd bypassed the pain in his heart and sought the attention of another. It wasn't that he wanted anyone else to love him, just to touch him, just to be kind to him when he needed it the most. With Alexander, it was always on his terms, at his leisure, when he saw fit. But last night it was all about Hephaistion, and what he'd needed, or what he thought that he'd needed.
Hephaistion had never been with another, never experienced another man's hands or lips or tongue on his body, and that alone had excited him far more than it should have. The hands had been more calloused than Alexander's, more accustomed to manual labor; calloused, but not to the point of being rough or unsatisfying. And Hephaistion had been satisfied, they both had, as gasps and moans had filled the silent stillness of his room when they both reached their climaxes.
He had been satiated, spent to the point of exhaustion, but at the same time, he had found the experience foreign and somewhat distasteful when the order of things had not gone as they usually did when he was with Alexander. He'd even had to remind himself several times that he was indeed not with his beloved when he questioned why the man was sweating so profusely, or why the unfamiliar mouth could not find the right spots on his body that made him cry out, the way that Alexander did.
Hephaistion did not fault the unknowing man. He hadn't chastised or berated him for not doing what was expected, for not doing what was familiar. How could he? For it was Hephaistion that had put himself in the situation he'd been in. He, himself, had been the one so tormented and tortured with jealousy and loneliness, such silly things for a grown man to feel, that he'd subjected himself and that poor man to something he had not really even wanted to do.
He hadn't planned to allow the man to spend the night, either. They'd both been over-the-limit weary, and truth be told, probably inebriated to the point of neither one of them caring whether they were in bed alone or with another, both rolling to their sides and quickly passing out. It wasn't until morning that the truth and guilt had set in and Hephaistion pushed the man abruptly from his bed and out of his room, hasty whispers of I'm sorry and do not come back rushing quickly from his lips. The man didn't argue, perhaps unaware of with whom he'd spent the night, or perhaps too sleepy and hung-over to even understand what was happening. Hephaistion didn't care, just so long as the man left and he could eradicate all traces of him from his body. And he had.
He'd scrubbed and scoured every inch, only satisfied when his skin was raw and flaming, and then he'd done it again, just to be sure. He'd wanted to wash the stench of the other man's sweat, the aroma of sex, and the guilt of disloyalty from his body. He'd managed to do two of the three, but the third would surely stay with him for the rest of his life.
*******
"Have you come to apologize?"
"And what, may I ask, am I apologizing for?"
"I know you spent the night with another man."
"Yes, I did."
"And you do not believe that is something you must apologize for?"
"I slept with another man on your wedding night, Alexander. I sought comfort while you were consummating your marriage, while you were performing your duty to your new wife, and for that I do not believe I have anything for which to apologize for."
"I seem to have hurt you very badly."
"Yes, you have. Good day, my king."
*******
Finding a spot beside the river, Hephaistion flung his body to the ground, the half-drunk bottle of wine clutched tightly in his hand. He was exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally, and more than a little drunk. The whole celebratory week of wedding festivities had kept him angry and aloof with everyone around him, the agony and heartbreak consuming his very soul and making him snap and snarl at even the smallest thing that irritated him or made him uncomfortable. He had been a man obsessed with keeping his unhappiness and distress closed within himself, finding no solace in even his closest friends and companions. Nor in Alexander. He'd not ignored his beloved, he'd stepped up and helped the king with his preparations, maintaining a look of unrelenting indifference about him while doing it, but he did not rejoice nor acknowledge the excitement that seemed to have encased the man he loved.
He'd managed to get through today, another day of vile wedding celebration that made him feel physically ill and mentally tormented. His confrontation with Alexander had been the only contact he'd had with the king throughout the day, the man too busy to notice that Hephaistion was anywhere near. But he was.
Hephaistion had maintained a respectable distance from Alexander and his new wife, but had not been far enough away that people had questioned his absence. It would not have boded well for either one of them had Hephaistion not been in the vicinity of the king throughout the day. Things had to remain the same if suspicions were to be kept at bay, and reputations were to be kept intact. His place was by Alexander's side, had always been by Alexander's side, and Hephaistion just needed to repel his own wants and needs to continue his duty.
He'd been relieved when the torturous day had been replaced by the sweet, darkness of the nocturnal sky, and as soon as it was respectable to do so, he'd hurried away to dwell in his sanctuary. He loved the dark, he found it brought peace and serenity to his mind, his own little sanctuary of solitude. In the dark, he couldn't be judged on how he looked or how he held himself. He felt anonymous and free, and that's exactly what he needed, to be invisible from all others, but most of all from himself, not wanting to see how low he had sunk because of his jealousy and fear. His actions the night before were enough to turn his stomach and that had indeed been what happened, both before he'd taken the strange man to his room and after.
Bringing the bottle to his lips, he took a long swig, sputtering and coughing when the alcohol burned his throat. He still wasn't sure how he'd come to find himself outside Alexander's rooms the night before, how he'd allowed himself to show up at his lover's door on his wedding night no less. He wasn't sure how the ring had ended up in his pocket or how he'd summoned enough courage to place it on Alexander's finger in the very same room where his beloved would be bedding the woman he'd just married.
He couldn't believe he had sobbed and clung to Alexander as he had. He was the strong one, he was the immovable force in Alexander's life, he was the one who kept everything together for so long, and yet, he'd been the one who'd fallen apart. He'd been the one who had given in to the frailties of his oh-so-human heart, the one who had weakened, and then broken. He wasn't even sure what he'd expected to happen should Roxanne not have shown up when she had. But she had, and he'd cowered away into the darkness, a bottle very similar to the one he was now holding, clutched tightly in his grip. And then to make matters even worse, he'd grabbed the first man to come upon him, and taken him back to his room.
His head and heart ached with regret, ached with the knowledge that he had not only done all of those things, but had also spoken to Alexander in a way that he'd never done before. And rather than feeling proud of the way he had stood up for himself, stood up for something that in all fairness should have been his right to do, he felt nothing but guilt and remorse.
He knew Alexander would not seek him out in the dead of night. The man of his heart was definitely not as enamored with the darkness as Hephaistion was. In truth, Alexander feared the dark, and did not crave the solitude that the blackness provided, preferring to stay in the light where he could shine all the more.
Hephaistion closed his eyes, head swimming and swirling with drunkenness and confusion, heart torn open and bleeding. He hoped the night would never end, hoped it would just go on and on so he didn't have to face the light.
"Am I disturbing you?"
"Alexander?"
Hephaistion leapt to his feet, stumbling head-first into a tree when his body did not react as quickly as his mind. He heard footsteps quickly approach, then was quickly grabbed by the arm and lifted him to his feet.
"Are you alright, Phai?" Alexander's warm voice asked. "Maybe you should just sit back down for a spell?"
Nodding his head slowly and refusing to meet the eyes that he knew were staring at him in the darkness, Hephaistion settled back onto the ground. He pulled his knees tightly to his chest, wrapping his arms securely around them and waited for Alexander to speak.
The words never came as a fur cape was wrapped around his shoulders and held there by a firm, familiar arm when Alexander joined him on the ground. The king leaned his head to the side, resting it gently against Hephaistion's, the warmth of his fingers seeping right through the cape and scattering throughout Hephaistion's alerted body.
"Why are you here?" Hephaistion asked, summoning every ounce of courage that floated haphazardly within him. "Do you not have someplace else to be?" He hated the spitefulness of his own words, but was too weak and dizzy and embarrassed to stop them from pouring from his mouth. "A wife to satisfy, perhaps?"
Alexander's arm tightened around Hephaistion's shoulders, the other wrapping around the general's bent knees, trapping him in his embrace. "I believe I am right where I want to be, Phai, but my intention was not to destroy the calmness of your sanctuary."
Hephaistion's resolve quickly broke in two, his body and mind giving in to the sweetness of Alexander's voice and words. He had no more spite to dole out, no more viciousness to spew at the man he loved. "You are not," he said quietly. "But I am surprised you came all this way in the dark. Have you conquered your fear without my knowledge?"
Alexander shook his head, the movement vibrating Hephaistion's already-twisting brain and making him even dizzier. "I needed to know where you were. I am sure that tomorrow the darkness will again hold no interest for me, nor I for it."
"I think I need to lie down," Hephaistion whispered suddenly, allowing Alexander to lower him to the ground, the king's arm still securely twined around his shoulders. "Are you angry with me?" he spoke softly.
Alexander pressed a kiss to Hephaistion's long locks, lips lingering a moment while he gathered his thoughts. "I ... was completely outraged when I heard what you had done, but your words to me made me realize that I was not being fair in my assertion that you should not be allowed to seek comfort, especially after I had so wrongly hurt you."
"Your intention was not to hurt me, Alexander. The marriage was something that was inevitable, and I did understand that ..."
"But that fact did not lessen the pain, am I right?"
"Yes. But nonetheless, I do want to apologize, as you wanted me to before. I have nothing but regret that it happened at all, and that I spoke to you in such a manner."
"I do not seek your apologies, Hephaistion. I know now how much pain you had to have been feeling to go through with what you did. It was a hard decision, was it not?"
"Yes ..." Hephaistion stopped speaking, Alexander's fingers grabbing his, pulling them towards the hand that still held him close. He let out a gentle gasp when he felt the ring he had given Alexander, still encircling the finger he had placed it on.
Hephaistion could take no more, turning his body towards the man he cherished and wrapping him tightly in his embrace. "It was deplorable, and even while it was happening and I was feeling actual pleasure in the act, you were still the only one I saw in my mind."
"It was the same for me. I may have been with Roxanne, but it was only you I was thinking about. I'm sorry for what you had to go through, Phai, and I'm sorry that I was the one responsible for putting you through it. Forgive me, please. You're the one I love. I need you to always believe that."
Pressing a gentle kiss to Alexander's mouth, Hephaistion flinched, then pulled back, the king's fingers immediately coming up to lightly touch his lips. "Swollen? Does it hurt?"
"Not anymore," Hephaistion replied, covering Alexander's hand with his, the warmth on his cheek sending sparks of love straight to his heart. "And you must believe me when I say that there is nothing to forgive. It was a lesson learned for me. I believed I would feel more fulfilled and more loved by seeking another man's attentions, but that was not the case at all. You fulfill and love me like no one else can."
"And you, I," Alexander purred against Hephaistion's lips, fingers tangling and twisting in Hephaistion's mane. "Do you wish to stay here for a while longer? I know you seek the solitude and peace of the darkness."
"I always believed the blackness of the night was my sanctuary, but I now know that all the solitude and peace that I seek is in your heart. You are my sanctuary, Alexander."
Alexander kissed him, again, their mouths and bodies melting against one another, the pain of Hephaistion's cut lip not even registering as he breathed in Alexander's sweet fragrance.
"Will you come back to the palace with me then, Hephaistion? Will you allow me to prove I can be a better man, a man more giving than taking ... a better sanctuary for you to believe in?"
"There is no better man," Hephaistion whispered, feeling no embarrassment as the dampness of his cheeks rubbed against Alexander's soft skin. "Take me back, Alexander, for wherever you are is where I belong."