AN: So this is sad...like really sad. But it wasn't my fault I watched this sad video about a character death and then I was crying and then this just happened.
Technically its only rated at like a PG but I like to stick with my M rating because it is about two boys loving each other and death...so yeah.
(I AM SOOOO SORRRY to everyone that is waiting for updates on my other stories, especially Percy and Criminal Minds. I promise that I am just extremely busy but I am working on them)
He can feel eyes on him, all the time they are watching him. It doesn't help and it cuts him even deeper because it reminds him that everything is wrong. But he's too tired to say anything. He's just too tired.
He carries all of his books in his bag because he can't stand to look at his locker, but he can't stand to tear down the picture so instead he just avoids it and carries the extra weight.
"Hey Kurt."
It takes a second for the words to break through his haze and he looks up to see the entire female population of Glee watching him. Even Santana's there.
And he doesn't want to say hi back because that will lead to those stupid questions, are you alright? or how are you holding up?
Kurt doesn't know how to answer them because he's not alright and he doesn't know how he is holding up. His parents and Finn he assumes, but honestly sometimes waking up feels like he ripping his heart straight from his chest.
So he does the only thing he can really think of doing and he just shakes his head, "I can't do this. I can't have you all here, looking at me and...I-."
He can't get the words to come out before he's turning and running down the halls. He throws his backpack to the floor, not caring if someone steals it, its only his math homework and he's sprinting now. Its the first time he's felt anything else besides devastation. Its still there, this empty, hollow, gut-wrenching feeling but his arms and legs are stretching and the movement feels so good.
Kurt makes it to the track and does about ten loops before he trips and falls to the ground and he tries to get up but lands back on his butt. He doesn't realize he's crying until the tears hit his arms and then he's burying his head in his arms, bawling.
His eyes sting, and his chest hurts, and he just hurts. Sometimes, for seconds when he's at his weakest he wishes he could stop hurting, but then the thought of losing anything of...his, even the pain, is too much to bare.
Sobs keep coming and he wants to scream because its not fair. Its not right. Nothing will ever be the same and Kurt's not sure how to ever be happy again. Ms. Pillsbury says that its the grieving process and that eventually he will get better but he's not so sure. He knows he'll get better but to actually be fully happy seems like a long shot.
How can he be happy when the only person he has ever loved this much and this way, the only person who was always there for him, is dead?
And just the "d" word makes me start to shake again.
He's not really sure how long he sits there but he ignores the feet crunching behind him, half hoping its someone to beat him up and the other half irrationally hoping its...him.
He feels people sitting all around him and he blearily looks up to see the guys sitting down and huddling around him. And slowly they all wrap him in a hug. He's not sure how they all do it but he can feel six pairs of hands on him (his first thought is Artie can't be comfortable) and at then he bristles, he is Kurt Hummel and Kurt Hummel does not cry in front of people.
"We got you."
The three words snap something in him and he just breaks down again, the rough exterior he was ready to throw up crumbles, and he's wishing that he could just cry forever and never stop.
He's not even aware that he's talking, babbling, until the arms squeeze him tighter, "Its not fair. Why? I love him, I need him. He cant be gone. I can't do this without him, I can't go through life and not see his dorky little smile, or his curly hair, or god his stupid bow ties."
And he can hear the sniffles around him and that makes him feel a little bit better because he was far too amazing to have only effected Kurt.
He had helped Puck out with the guitar and in return Puck had sort of turned them into his "gay posse" and him into a little brother. Finn followed right along, followed by Sam, Rory, Mike and Artie and they would regularly play basketball (forcing Kurt to play just to make the team even) at the Hummel's house. And when Kurt went to Girl's Night, he opted out (after some serious explaining to a disbelieving Kurt) and ended up having a video game night with the rest of the guys.
They were a family.
The rest of the time passes in a blur and its like his body just shuts down, he hasn't slept in over a week and he just can't stand to be awake anymore. He's not really sure how he gets home but he wakes up to hear Burt and Carol talking softly outside his door, "The therapist said we should wait a couple more days before we bring him back, that he's still a little too fresh or the wound is anyways. But I'm worried. Do...do you think this is my fault, that I pushed them to be too co-dependent? I knew they needed each other and I just thought that the world was going to be so mean, that they needed something that wasn't."
And Carol is shushing him and Kurt can imagine her arms wrapped around Burt soothing him and if Kurt didn't hurt so bad he's feel a little more guilty that his dad felt this way, "No, what they had was special. This might sound silly but Kurt's not just losing a boyfriend and a best friend, he's losing...lost a soulmate. You saw those two together Burt. Blaine was special."
And no one's said his name in the last week. Kurt had to leave the funeral because as soon as the preacher said his name, he had broken down. And now everyone avoided it and he was so thankful because hearing it felt like his chest was being ripped open. Like someone stole his heart and now he just felt pain and pressure. and... The "was" meant past tense...he wasn't sure what hurt more.
He's out of his bed and walks to the door, slamming it shut. He knows his dad will be pissed but if he hears anything else he might be physically sick.
Surprisingly they don't say anything.
Thank God, because Kurt doesn't know what he would have said back.
The next morning comes sooner then he wants and the day passes in a haze, he sits through classes staring at the wall, and he's stopped going to Glee. He can't look at everyone's faces and see their sorrow because he can barely stand his.
So instead he's back out on the track, just running. He wants to feel that again, that burn in his muscles, that pull of his skin, the pressure in his chest being from something else.
This goes on for another week before he sits in the therapist's office and they talk. They talk about school, work, glee, friends, his new love for running but they never talk about The Accident, the future, or him.
Its nice and he thinks that maybe his counselor gets that. He's surrounded by everything and everyone all day that its nice to come in and not cry, not stress, not focus on the painful thrum that exists in his chest.
Sometimes when he's laying in bed and it all hurts too much he lets himself think back, he imagines Blaine humming in his ear, his fingers gently tickling against his skin. He misses his kisses, his touch, the intimacy. Those nights he usually ends up curled in a ball crying until morning.
Its another two weeks, with the sessions and the running before he ends up talking to the Glee kids again. Its small but they talk to him with such enthusiasm that he realizes that they understood too.
Kurt can see the pain in the girl's eyes.
Mercedes had needed help picking out an outfit for her first date with Sam and Kurt had been sick so he had went and helped her out instead and that had slowly turned into a ritual.
He had helped Quinn get through the death of her grandma and started a photo club in his room every Wednesday night because they realized they both loved photography.
Tina had always been close with him, the two clicking over dorkiness and the fact that they both would have to deal with a year away from the people they love. Plus he had been helping Tina with voices lessons, wanting her to shine.
Sugar got help with singing and dancing and he had been the one to first really get her involved in everything they did as a Club.
He and Brittany had the weirdest bond, almost more so then her and Santana and he was officially named "The Brightest Dolphin" because for some odd reason dolphins and unicorns were known mates. He never got sick of explaining things, or helping, or joking with Brittany.
Rachel was one of the closest, she after all had spent all summer with him, Kurt, and Finn. She forced him to help with solos, songs, practices, and he never complained. Apparently he liked it because he and Rachel didn't have siblings, it felt nice to have a sister.
And then there was Santana, she had ridiculed them with love and Kurt had no idea how, why, or what happened but for some reason he just took it. Sometimes the snide comments would slip off each of their tongues until Kurt found then laughing together in a heap. Somehow Santana had stood up as a bodyguard and friend, and when they went places or had everyone over she was always there, without fail. Kurt thought that this might be extra hard on her.
He still doesn't come to Glee Club and he can see how upset everyone is but that would be too much. That would be painful. He hasn't sang in weeks.
There are no radios on...ever. Kurt had went through and unplugged every single one and put them in a box in the garage. No one had even asked where they went.
He's in his room, putting his clean clothes away when he sees it. The top dresser had been filled with things about them, and Burt had packed them away, fearing that Kurt would destroy them like the CD's (Kurt hadn't been nice too the mix tapes, they were reminders.) But Burt had missed this.
Its the plastic coffee cup that he had kept from when he had first said "I love you." And after stupidly stumbling over a response (I love you too) Kurt had jokingly said, "Can I get that in writing?"
The plastic cup had been the nearest thing and Kurt runs his fingers over the messy scrawl,
Kurt Hummel
I love you.
:)
Love, Blaine "Warbler" Anderson
He's crying so hard that he doesn't realize someone's climbing into bed with him until the arms are wrapped around his waist. He startles and looks to see Santana watching him, tears in her eyes.
"Its okay, Kurt."
He knows that after the slushy incident that Blaine and Santana had bonded even more, despite the mean comments that they were best friends. Sometimes he'd come over to the two of them curled up on the couch sleeping while the TV was on.
So he buries his head into her shoulder and just cries. Will he ever stop crying?
"Will it ever stop hurting?"
Kurt makes it all next day, its a struggle... the cup hadn't been helpful at the same time it had meant everything to him. The emotions were confusing and made him hurt even more.
He's cornered by Mr. Schue before he can run away and he ends up sitting down in his office, wishing he was anywhere but there, "Kurt I just wanted to check on you. We really miss you in Glee."
Kurt just stares down at his hands and he goes to open his mouth and try to explain it but the only thing that comes out is this half sob and Kurt's looking down at his hands, "I can't. I can't."
He feels like he's running away a lot and maybe he is but he has to get away from those sad eyes, and the questions and the expectations. He's headed out to the track but he sees Coach Sylvester leaning against her door and she motions for him to come in her office.
Its a little scary, he's not quite sure what to expect but he knows better then to say no to Sue Sylvester.
She shuts the door behind him and then motions for him to sit down. She makes her way to her chair oddly silent and Kurt can't help but feel like a zebra waiting to get eaten by a lion.
Kurt watches her until her eyes train on his and he's looking down at his hands, feeling the tears well up and he wills himself not to be stupid, she hadn't even said anything yet.
"You wanna talk about it, Porcelain?"
Its shaped as a question but its not demanding and he shakes his head violently because he just wants to run, he just wants to go away.
"When I lost Jean I felt like nothing could ever be right, and I wont lie to you Porcelain, its still not right and I don't think it ever will be. Blaine Anderson left foot prints, hand prints, words, and love on your heart and you will never be able to get rid of those. Its a horrible feeling knowing that everyday you will wake up and they wont be there."
And Kurt knows he's hysterically crying because this is the first time an adults refrained from asking how he feels, "I just want him back. I just want to feel his arms around me. I just...I just want him. How am I supposed to do this without him? How am I supposed to have courage and face my future when he was supposed to be it."
He's trying to look at her but she's crying too and before he can help it she's hugging him, "I don't know Porcelain."
It feels so great not to have people telling him how he should feel, "How can I live without the one thing that made it easier to breathe? Sometimes I'm sitting down I feel like I can't get a good breath, like I'm drowning. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to stop hurting. I can't do this alone."
"You're not alone, shhh, its okay."
They are rocking back and forth and Kurt just sits there and cries and he thinks that his body shouldn't be able to make anymore tears, he hasn't stopped crying.
"Sometimes I go to reach over and tell him something and he's not there. When I want to call someone about something I pick up my phone and then remember he wont answer. He's not here. How can he not be here? How can he be gone? Oh god, I hurt so bad, I feel like everything is shifting and twisting. Sometimes I wish I couldn't feel because it hurts so bad."
"I know, Porcelain."
Kurt knows she isn't just placating him, and she's not trying to say she knows how he feels but she understands. Her soulmate was taken away just like his was. She understands.
He's afraid to ask the question in the back of his mind, he's scared and its like she knows because she squeezes him tighter, "You can say anything you want. Everything is safe right now."
Kurt's still sobbing although the tears had stopped falling, "Everyone goes around and says they understand and they've lost a loved one, but Coach...this feels like I've lost half of me. Like someone came and ripped half of my soul away."
He's afraid she'll call him stupid or that she'll scoff but she just holds him tight, "Because you didn't just lose a high school boyfriend or a friend. You've lost everything. You've lost the thing that helps you breathe easier and the one thing that gives you strength."
It takes another hour or so before he's back home, completely exhausted and he lays on his bed with his clothes still on and just staring at the wall.
He's lost him. Nothing will ever bring him back, and nothing will make this alright. This is one wound that he's not sure he will heal from, and it isn't fair, and it hurt, and it sucks but he's not going to keep losing the other things that matter. Not anymore.
Saturday morning, he's at the Anderson house, no one is there but Mrs. Anderson had left the key for him so he could come over and sort through his things. Its a horribly, comforting day, he can't stop crying, missing, wanting but at the same time he feels so warm being around everything that made up the man he loved.
He keeps sweatshirts, a ton of bow ties, suspenders, pictures of them, small things that he knows when he looks at them will remind him so much of him.
The ride home isn't much better but he threw on a sweatshirt before he left, so Kurt can still smell him. It makes the sun shining so bright less of a betrayal and the ride not so tedious. He's trying.
It takes another two months before he can walk in the choir room and everyone is staring at him with surprise and happiness and he nervously stands at the front of the room, "I know you have an assignment Mr. Schue but...could I sing a song?"
Mr. Schue smiles and nods, taking a seat in the front row. Kurt takes a deep breath before smiling at everyone, he knows they are all hurting too, "As you all know, its been four months since...since...B..." He takes a moment to close his eyes and breathe. He hasn't said his name in months, not even to himself, "Blaine. It's been four months since Blaine...died. And I haven't been very sociable or nice and I wanted to apologize for that. I want to sing a song for him, I want to sing a song to help us remember him. I know we've already heard Rachel sing this...but I thought it was appropriate."
He glances at the piano man and nods his head, taking a deep breath.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?
And he has to hold his hand to his chest and wrap his arm around his waist because he still feels like he might fall apart or cry. Katy Perry is a sore spot.
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
The song seems long, and its draining and all he really wants to do is cry when it ends but there are suddenly so many bodies swarming him and he laughs lightly for the first time in months and it feels wonderful.
It takes a few minutes to get everyone back in their seats and he swallows, "Back when I was at Dalton, there was this one time, we had just gotten back from competing with you guys, and I-I was complaining about losing regionals, about how I really wished we had won and Blaine turned to look at me with that stupid goofy smile and said, 'You did win. So did I. We got each other out of all this.' and...and I will probably hurt forever, and I will never be the same as I used to be...but thats okay. Because I got Blaine out of this, out of everything that went wrong and hurt me and broke me down, I got Blaine and everything beautiful and amazing that entailed."
His family is crying and so is he, and maybe he'll never be the old Kurt but if Blaine taught him anything it was that everything changes, that you have to roll with the punches and most importantly to have courage.