A/N: Sorry if the title stinks. I couldn't think of anything.
This is very AU. It's kind of about the same time as Advent Children, except certain deceased characters from Crisis Core have come back.
Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII, Square-enix does.
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'Reno, you'd better get going,' Tseng commented, shifting in his seat. It was an hour past noon, and a few Turks were still about 7th Heaven after lunch.
'What? I'm fine, yo.' Reno said. His long legs dangled from his high stool, and he kicked at the counter half-heartedly. 'Don't need to go. It'll be…what, another ten minutes before Rude counts me as "late".' He took another swig from his mug, and motioned to the dark haired girl behind the bar. 'Hey, Tifa, gimme another, yo. I'm still thirsty.'
'Knowing you, Reno, I'd say you ought to hurry. Rude wasn't exactly in the best mood this morning.' Tseng examined his nails.
'Hmm, no he wasn't. He might do something drastic if you keep him waiting,' Elena laughed from the seat across from Tseng.
'What could he do? I'm his indispensable colleague,' Reno said, wrapping his long fingers around his mug. 'He wouldn't dare, yo.'
Tifa gave a short giggle and turned away as the red-head Turk looked up.
'What's that for?' he asked, slurping his drink.
'Nothing, nothing.' She continued to chuckle to herself as she washed up the spare cups.
'Righto.' He drank slowly, staring at the wall and sometimes at Tifa. He finished the mug and slammed it down on the counter.
'Watch it!' Tifa glared. 'You break it, you pay.'
'Whatever.' Reno slid to the ground. 'I'm going, yo. Since you people think it's safer.' He sauntered out the door, letting it crash shut behind him.
'Hey! Reno!' Cissnei called, running toward him. 'Rude's waiting. He says if you aren't in the chopper in two minutes, he'll…well, let's just say you'll regret it.' She smiled mischievously.
'Yeah, I'm going.' Looks like I left just in time, he thought. Doubting Rude's threats were legitimate, he kept an easy pace. It took about five minutes for him to arrive. Rude was drumming his fingers on the dashboard, scowling. He had his headset on already. Reno climbed into the chopper.
'Yo, Rude, sorry I'm late.
'Took you long enough to get here.' His companion turned, dark glasses glinting in the sunlight which streamed through the windshield. 'I was thinking of giving you a noogie. I think I'll let you off. Next time, be faster. They've been calling my cell every five minutes to see if we're coming.'
'A noogie? What kinda stupid threat is that? Cissnei made is sound like you were plotting my doom, yo.'
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The sun was slipping toward the horizon as Reno hopped out of the chopper after his bald-headed colleague. He stretched. All that fuss for a lot of nothing, he thought, irritated. 'So they only wanted us to patrol? That's no job. They should hire a security guard, yo.'
'That's why I said no.' Rude crossed his arms. 'Hey, I gotta go. Heading back to HQ. See you tomorrow, and don't keep me waiting again.'
'Sure. Hey, what's up with that? Are there actually consequences?'
Rude shook his head and laughed. 'Goodnight.'
'Yo.' Reno walked down the street, watching his feet scuff along the concrete. His stomach rumbled below his ribcage. He sighed. I'll get a candy bar. Then head back to the others. I'm starving, yo. He stepped into a small shop, and fled five minutes later, a short old woman screaming after him.
'I just asked what kind it was, yo!' He said over his shoulder. The woman yelled again, rather incoherently, and shook her cane. 'Must be deaf,' Reno shrugged, and jogged to another store on the next block.
His cell phone bleated out a sickly jingle. He stopped. 'Yo.'
'Reno, this is Rufus Shinra. There's been an infiltrator rooting through Shinra's files. There wasn't a security breach alarm, so it must be someone who knows our passwords. Maybe even one of us. Tell the others and get back here. Check the database and see if you can find out who last visited, what they wanted, and what they got.'
'Will do, sir.' Reno hung up and proceeded to buy his candy bar.
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The redhead Turk recalled the President's instructions as he sat in a black office chair in front of one of Shinra's computers. Nothing seemed altered, and he skimmed over folders without much thought. He caught sight of the photo folder. Why do they even have that? He opened it. Oh. Evidence and experiments. Lovely.
'Next folder…' he mused to himself, glancing across the table to where Cissnei was likewise employed. 'Profiles.' Reno glanced at the date. Wait a minute. 'Updated today, April 17.' He clicked it open. Nothing seemed unusual as he scrolled down the Turks' member list. Perhaps it was just a computer glitch. He got to his own name.
'What…?' He squinted at the screen. 'Info added? Huh? I gotta check.'
The file popped up full screen.
GENERAL
Name: Reno
Position: Pilot
Age: 20
Birthplace: Unavailable
Current Residence: Midgar City
Date Joined: A while ago
Well, that's specific. Reno read further.
Hair: Red
Eyes: Green
Height: 6'2"
He scrolled down the page over the record of his mission stats and accomplishments. Ok, looks good. He sighed, then sat up. A new section arose from the bottom of the screen. 'Wait a minute…'
FUN FACTS
'That's the lamest section title I've ever—hey!'
Relationship Status: Married to formerly Lockhart, Tifa
Favourite Colour: Fuscia
Favourite Food: Caviar
Political Views: Sephiroth Rules!!!!
Quote of the Month: 'Roses are red, violets are blue…'
Reno sat, horror stricken, staring at the computer monitor. His mouth hung wide like a garage door. Then he exploded.
'What kind of idiot did this? It's all wrong, yo! Dead wrong. It's stupid. It wasn't even there before. Who authorized this? Who? I'll kill them, yo! I seriously will! They can't escape. They…they… Ack! I'm changing this.' His fingers flashed over the keyboard as he typed in the password.
'Reno, what in Gaia is wrong with you?' Cissnei stared at him from across the table.
'My Turk member page! Some whacko put a bunch of crap on it, yo.'
'Oh, dear.' She left her seat and came around. 'What did they say?'
'No, go away. You're not reading this. Go away!' He attempted to block the screen, but it was too late.
'Roses are red? I didn't know you liked poetry, Reno. That's nice. Ooh, married to Tifa. Aww,' she grinned at him sweetly.
He shot her a venomous glare. 'Shut up. Just help me find out who did this, yo!'
Cissnei laughed. 'Oh, I know very well.'
'Then who? Tell me. Please?'
'No, you'll just have to figure it out yourself.' She returned to her computer and turned it off. 'I guess you found the infiltration the President was talking about. So I'm leaving for tonight.'
'Cissnei, this isn't funny. Just look what they wrote, yo. Horrible.'
'Just change it, Reno. Goodnight.' She walked out.
Reno ground his teeth together as he retyped and deleted the horrendous additions to his profile. 'What kind of creep… Oh, yo. I know. I know now.' He snatched up his cell phone and dialed.
'Uh, hello?' a seemingly innocent male voice asked on the other end.
Reno gripped his phone. His knuckles were white. 'Zack Fair, explain this right now.'
'Wha—huh? Who is this?'
'It's Reno, yo. Now get to the point.'
'What point? I seriously have no idea what you're talking about. And stop yelling. I have to hold the phone five inches away just to keep my eardrums from blowing out.'
'No idea. Right. You want me to believe that? Not gonna happen.'
'Ok, ok, so just what did I do?'
'Get on your computer and check Shinra's Turk files, and you'll see.'
A pause. 'Reno, those are classified. I can't. I'm not a Turk. How do you expect me—'
'You sure could when you messed up my Turk profile earlier. You ruined it, yo.'
'What?' Zack laughed. 'Me? I didn't do anything like that. I don't know any Turk passwords, ok? Gimme a break.'
'I know you, yo. You like pranks of this sort. Remember the incident with Sephiroth's ID badge?'
'Hey, whoa, that was a long time ago. It's not like he was even using it. It was pretty funny though…but you can't think that every prank like this is done by me. Seriously.'
'You can't worm your way out of this one, Fair. You're so going to get it!'
'Reno, for the last time, I'm innocent. Stop blaming me for something I didn't do.'
'That's what they all say. I'll see to it that you regret this. You better watch out, yo.'
'And I better not cry either, because Santa Claus is comin' to—'
'Shut up!' Reno growled.
Zack chuckled. 'Haha. Sorry. Couldn't help it. So, what exactly do you think I messed up? I mean, if I am truly the culprit, what did I say about you?'
'You don't want to know.'
A silence on the other end, then a snicker. 'Hold on, Reno…Wow. That's really funny. Haha! Oh boy!' Laughter echoed through Reno's earpiece.
'What now?' The red head leaned forward.
'I'm—I'm on Chocobook. You have some really weird updates, man. Did you seriously eat cream bon bons at a tea party today?'
'What?!' Reno gasped. He had to see this. He clicked open the web browser. He didn't notice that he was already logged on. Before him was a long list of horrendous status updates.
Reno likes fluffy lemon cake. 7:30 p.m.
Reno ate cream bon bons at a tea party today. 7:13 p.m.
Reno loves bunnies!!! *squee* 7:08 p.m.
Reno is dying for an organic yoghurt smoothie. 6:47 p.m.
Reno will wear a purple shirt to work tomorrow, see if I don't! 6:34 p.m.
Reno wants to marry that cute bartender girl…*sigh* 6:01 p.m.
Reno is going to the salon to get a perm. 5:55 p.m.
'Ok, this is retarded!' he yelled. 'These are awful!'
'Hey, I really don't know anything about this, ok?' Zack said, still laughing. 'Man, those are hilarious!'
A notification popped up. Zack Fair has commented on your status. 'Gah!' Reno cried. 'Cut it out! You're going down, buddy. I'm going to haunt you, yo.'
'Hey! I—'
Reno hung up. He made about deleting the updates on Chocobook and their accompanying comments, then logged off. Only then did he remember he hadn't needed to log on. 'Wait a minute…did I log off yesterday?' He frowned and rubbed his forehead. Maybe that's how… He dashed out of the room. When he got out of the building, Cissnei was still there.
'I thought you'd be gone by now, yo. Hey do you know who the last person to use that computer was? Besides me?' Reno said.
'No, I got there after you. Isn't it so nice out? I just wanted to stand and enjoy the breeze.' She sighed and looked up at the sky. 'So, did you figure it out?'
'It's Zack. I'm sure. Well, kinda. I mean, who else?'
'Zack?' Cissnei raised an eyebrow. 'Ok, well, keep looking.'
'What—you mean it isn't?'
'Not telling. You find out. Good night.' She walked away down the street. The streetlights had just turned on. Reno groaned. He called Rude on his cell phone.
'Yo, somebody majorly wrecked up my member page and Chocobook statuses. I'm really ticked off, yo. Do you know who it might be?'
'Look, Reno…' Rude paused and cleared his throat. 'I'll keep an eye out. Maybe you'll find him tomorrow.'
'Thanks, 'night.' Reno hung up. I think I'll head over to 7th Heaven again, somebody there might know. He sauntered off into the night.
The pub was warm and stuffy when he arrived. He walked in, rather sulkily, looking at all the customers, seeing if any of them seemed suspicious. He plopped himself on his usual high stool.
'Tifa, gimme a…oh…'
'The usual?' she said, glancing over her shoulder.
'Sure. Whatever.' He sighed.
'You've had a bit many today, haven't you?'
'Why should you care, yo.'
'True, true.' She placed his mug in front of him.
The door opened again, and Elena marched in. She climbed onto a stool across from Reno. 'Do you know if Tseng's coming?'
'Nope.' Reno busied himself with his drink.
She shook her head and glanced at him. 'You know, your Chocobook statuses were kinda…whacky.'
'Hey, don't go prying.' He gulped again. 'It wasn't me, yo. I'm an unfortunate victim. Some jerk got on there and wrote them. It's awful. They also junked my Turk profile on Shinra's database.'
'Hmm.' She glanced towards the door absentmindedly. 'I'm glad it wasn't really you, 'cause I'd be worried.'
'Ha, yeah. You know, Rude said he would give me a noogie today. That's kinda silly too.' Reno chuckled.
'Oh, give me a break. Rude?'
Reno stopped, staring into his mug. That was it. 'How dare he.'
'What?' Elena asked, laughing.
'The beast. Ugh.'
'Who?'
'Augh! I should've guessed,yo!'
'What's up, Reno?'
The door swung open again. Rude walked in, whistling. Speak of the devil… Reno thought. He jumped from his seat. 'You!'
'Hey, Reno.'
'You, you evil despicable…Ack! You ruined my info! Now everyone thinks I'm retarded.'
'Reno, calm down.' The bald Turk scratched his head.
'No, I'm not calming down. You said you'd do something, but this was terrible. I just didn't expect it,yo. How dare you. '
Rude stood for a moment, his eyes impassive behind his sunglasses. Then his mouth twitched. He snickered and broke out into a loud, deep guffaw. Everyone in the room stopped, staring at him. This was unusual for him to laugh like this.
'Hoho! It was hilarious hearing you on the phone with Zack! Oh yes, I was in the other room, eavesdropping to see what you'd do. Ha! Poor guy, thinks you're after him. And you should've just seen some of those comments on Chocobook! Aha! Ahahahaha!' He removed his glasses and wiped his eyes. 'Oho. So good. So good.'
Reno clenched his fists, glowering.
'Rude, I'd suggest running,' Elena called.
Rude was still chuckling. He looked up at Reno.
'Oh, you'd better run, yo.' Reno growled. He yowled and leaped forward, long arms outstretched after the prankster.
Rude silenced abruptly and bolted, his red haired colleague hard on his heals. They rushed from the room, banging the door, leaving everyone else in 7th Heaven staring behind them.
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A/N: It's not Choco-book as in chocolate, it's 'Chocobo' + 'book.' I didn't want to put Facebook.
I know, this is really cheesy. XD