River's Hair
River carefully coiled her hair, pinning it in exactly the way she had planned. She felt very proud of herself for coming up with the style she used – it was one thing to calculate ship's vectors in her head, quite another to design something as simple and useful as this. She stopped to admire herself for a moment, and then reached for the vegetable soup...
Not many people would call Jayne deep. Big, certainly, but deep? No. He was a man of few passions and fewer thoughts. Jayne liked guns, he liked women, he liked food. Especially food. He liked money too, but only insofar as it allowed him to acquire the other three things. He spent most of his free time either lifting weights or cleaning his weapons, each of which he knew and loved intimately. They were the only true friends a mercenary could have.
The sound which crashed through his reverie and snapped him alert was, although seemingly mundane, one of the few sounds which he found truly interesting. It was that of a tin opener. It was practically guaranteed to rouse him.
What confused and unnerved him was the fact that, while everyone aboard Serenity pretty much had free run of the kitchen, he knew that they had all just eaten. Surely it was far too soon for anyone to want more. These feelings were quickly replaced by shock and outrage when he saw River busily lathering soup in her hair. Jayne was sensitive about food.
"Gorram it, girl! What the hell are you doing?!" He growled fiercely.
The look she gave him was withering. "I am depositing soup in my hair, Ape-man."
"What the hell for!"
River sighed over the Ape-man's stupidity. Obviously she was going to have to explain herself. "Biology 101. The successful organism is the organism that adapts. Use it or lose it. If it serves no purpose, cut it out. Is the rules. Cannot afford to lose more physiological assets, the Academy has remove too many. Must take advantage of the ones I have."
Then he realised something else. "Hold on – isn't that my soup?!"
"Mine now," River said disinterestedly, ignoring his indignation.
"River, sweetie, what's going on?" Kaylee asked brightly, bounding into the room. "I heard – are you all right?" She had noticed Jayne standing in the middle of the dining room, looking as though he had just stuck a fork in a toaster.
"Am – am I okay?!" He spluttered. "Have you seen ... I couldn't – damn moonbrain oughta be on a leash!"
"Kaylee, if you would be so kind as to remove the Ape-man and administer 5 mLs of Retanol?" River said politely. "Simon would be happy to assist you."
"That's my soup she's ruining!"
"Um, that depends, River." Kaylee said uncertainly. "What's Retanol?"
"Mood stabiliser. To control his disturbing violent tendencies."
Jayne simply stammered incoherently.
Simon stuck his head through the door. "Excuse me, has anyone seen – Mei-mei!"
"Am unable to answer that question. Everybody sees me and nobody sees me. Both affirmative and negative."
"Bao-bei, you can't – River, soup is strictly for eating." Simon moved towards her, alarmed.
"Isn't for eating. Isn't for anything. Just is." Honestly, Simon could be such a boob sometimes. She was perfectly fine.
"I don't understand ... does anyone know why she's doing this?" Simon looked beseechingly at Jayne and Kaylee.
"Hell if I know." Jayne snarled. "Wouldn't tell me nothing but some evolutionary psychobabble about things changing."
"River?" Simon was confused as well as upset now.
Finished with the broth, River scooped out the soggy vegetables at the bottom of the tin and dumped them in a specially-prepared hollow in her hair. Perfect, she thought.
"River, why are you doing this?" Kaylee asked, starting to get worried herself. She seemed completely normal this morning...
River smiled comfortingly at the others. It was not their fault that they were so easily scared by things they couldn't understand. "Just calm down. It's gonna be okay." She thought for a moment, and said, "And Jayne should really have that Retanol."
Jayne, sick and tired of humouring the moonbrain, strode over to her and shook her – not violently, but definitely in a manner bordering on the unacceptable. "You stupid hoe-tze duh pee-goo, how dare you take my food! That was completely – OWWW!!" River had smashed her heavy-booted heel onto his toes and shoved the tin-opener into his kidney.
As Jayne hopped around the room letting out a stream of yelps and curses, River brandished the tin-opener, looking truly mad now. "He nearly spilled my vegetables!" She cried. Any amusement Simon might have felt at Jayne's predicament vanished as he gazed at his sister, concerned. He never could figure out where she was coming from anymore.
The racket Jayne was making was quickly drawing the others. "Jayne, what in the spectrum of hell are you playing at?" Mal demanded.
"It's not my fault, Mal," Jayne said, wounded. "The Doc's sis is the crazy one. Girl damn near broke my foot!"
"The Ape-man was gonna spill my vegetables!"
"Because you grabbed her," Kaylee reminded him. "She didn't do nuthin' you weren't asking for."
"Was gonna spill my vegetables!"
"Jayne," Mal said dangerously. "Seems I recall us having a talk about you and River. You wouldn't perchance be forgetting, now would you?"
"I wasn't doing nothing, honest, Mal! I ain't crazy, unlike some!"
"Stupid blundering Ape-man has no regard for the sanctity of my vegetables! Must be punished!"
"Look, why don't we all calm down," Book said, having emerged through a side-door.
"Mal –"
"- vegetables!"
"Captain, what's going on?" said a dishevelled Zoe, arriving with an equally mussed Wash in tow.
"I think that's something we'd all like to know," Mal grumbled. "Can someone who was here from the beginning please tell us what happened?"
"The ruttin' moonbrain stole my soup and practically broke my foot!"
"She did?" Wash asked, delighted. "Really?"
The 'moonbrain' rolled her eyes, exasperated, and said, "Did not steal it. Liberated it. Needed it to save my skullular follicles! And had to punish the Ape-beast, for he was going to spill my vegetables!"
"Punish me? Your damn vegetables are still in your bloody hair, for God's sake!"
"Yes. Punish. In advance."
"Da-shiong bao tse shr la doo tze!"
"Wait, wait, hold on. She put vegetables in her hair?" said Wash, who still looked as though Christmas had come early.
"She put my vegetables in her hair! Look at her!"
"Doc, you got any insight you'd like to share with us?" Mal asked, rubbing his temples.
"I ... wish I could say that I had the faintest idea what was going on, but I'm afraid I don't know much more than you do." Simon demurred, a slightly frantic look in his eyes.
"Kaylee?"
"Don't know, Captain. I think she might have said something about why she did it to Jayne, but by the time I got here she was adding the vegetables and attacking him with the tin-opener. Which he was asking for."
Mal sighed, wishing for the thousandth time that they'd left the Tams on Persephone like he had planned. 'Anyone got any suggestions as to how to deal with this mess?"
"Perhaps we should ask River why she chose to rub Jayne's soup in her hair," Wash said, a little too eagerly for Mal's taste. The captain was sure his pilot was enjoying this more than he had a right to.
"River?" Book asked.
"As I told Ape-man: survival of the fittest. Not about being the strongest, about being the most adaptable to change. No use for something which serves no purpose, therefore must turn negative faults into positive assets. Must take advantage of the hair in order to remain a successful specimen." River said this as though it were obvious.
"Huh?"
"Use it to the organism's advantage."
The room lapsed into confused silence.
Zoe took charge. "Doctor, how's about you take River to the infirmary or wherever, try figure out what's wrong, and we'll deal with Jayne. Jayne, you say River took your soup?"
"Damn straight."
"Fine. Simon can reimburse you later. Now either stop whimpering or put some ice on your foot, whatever suits you. Anyone got any questions?"
"Actually, yes," Wash said. "What the hell is River doing now?"
His wife looked over at the girl, and stared. She was calmly sorting through the vegetables in her hair and eating them. After a moment she began to chew and suck her broth-soaked hair. "I'm not even going to ask," Zoe said finally.
Author's note: In case anyone's wondering what 'Retanol' and 'skullular follicles' are, I made them up. Just sounded like the kind of things River would say.