Che, awesome, gyu! xD Okay, this is my first lemon, yaoi, etc fanfiction. Flames and everything else are TOTALLY welcome. Any kind of advice, go for it bitches. xD This is for older teens...like 15 and up C: lulz, gyu. The songs I listened to while making this were...
Blurry--Puddle of Mudd
Miserable--Lit
Given To Fly, Garden--Pearl Jam
Season's Call--HYDE
Velonica--Aqua Timez
Sick Cycle Carousel--Lifehouse
24--Jem
Everlong--Foo Fighters
Abyss--Christian Fenez (or something like that xDD)
Speed Kills, Glycerine, Letting The Cables Sleep--Bush (Not the president one :C I hate his dumb ass.. Speaking of dumb asses, what in the hell did Oblama do to get the peace prize, damnit? WTF?!!! I was watching the news, and Jelus was like, oh shit V, check this out. I was like, okay, what is i---THAT SUNNAVA BITCH!!)
On The Precipice of Defeat (or whatever the hell), Head In The Clouds--Shiro Sagisu (The guy who composes crap for Bleach)

And if you have any requests for other couples from Bleach (HAS to be yaoi, but straight and yuri couples are okay too), then feel free as the wind to tell me, gyu~

THIS IS A ONE-SHOT. Since that's the kind of yaoi thing I'd rather read instead of searching for the scenes that appeal to me, gyu. Cuz I know what I read it for! C: Gyuhuhuhu. And when I want it, I want it NAO.

I DON'T OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS, THE ANIME, OR THE PRANK CALL AND VIDEO IT'S BASED ON! Just my perverted little fantasies of super yummy mansecks.. Gyuhuhuhu..

The idea came from a video on youtube called Byakuya Prank Call: VCR problems. I thought it was too hilarious to not make a fanfiction, and it was an awesome chance to make one, and when life gives you Lemons, be careful not to nosebleed all over the place... gyu~ C: HAVE FUN KIDDIES, GYU~~!

((WARNING: I OWN NOTHING. I WILL KEEEELL IF I GET NO REVIEWS. THIS IS SUPER LEMONYYY.))

EDITIED: Thanks to my first official reviewer, Andraiyel. Thanks so much for the very long, and although slightly confusing, criticism, and muse bringng...back...ing -smiles brightly-

BYAxREN

Really Crappy Appliance.

Click click beep be-eep click.. "Hum.." Byakuya kept poking at buttons and other things on the rectangular box he was holding in his hands. It was a VCR that one of the unranked roku division members gave to him from the human world. It looked really cool, but he didn't know how to program or work the damned thing. He pushed a button and a little clock started blinking 12 in big red numbering. "Um. The manual says to..." He couldn't read it! It was all in some other language! Damn these people.. He would try and make sense of it, though. "The shrimp.. What? Fried sushi--- What in the..?" He grumbled to himself, turning the box around in his hands. This was aggravating. Renji would probably know. He grabbed a phone and dialed the number.
"Moshi moshi."
"Abarai.."
"GAH!" There was the sound of the phone dropping on Renji's end, then a scuttling noise, then a click. "Yes taichou?"
"Remember that VCR that Homura brought back? The one from the human world?" He asked.
"Hmmm.. Oh yeah, that thing. You got it working yet?" He asked back, then he heard a slight grumble.
"Infact, no. These are things for the (juunii?)bantai (TWELFTH DIVISION) to deal with, not the rokubantai..." He answered, annoyance laced in his calm voice.

"Aw. Okay then. So what's going on taichou?" He tensed a little on the casual sentence he just blurted out, realizing he wasn't talking to a normal person here. He was talking to the head of the Kuchiki clan. One of the four great clans. He was the captain of the roku division. His captain. Oh god this was weird.

"I need your help.." Byakuya said sadly. Having to call his fukutaichou for a VCR was ridiculous. But he wanted to get this stupid thing working for tonight. Maybe it would distract those stupid women's association people. Hopefully.

"He..." Renji choked slightly, then he had to set the phone down for a tiny while. He needed his help. Damnit, was this an imposter? He picked the phone up again. "Help? Help.. What with?" He could hear Byakuya grumble on the other end.
"With programming the VCR." He answered after a rather long time of silence, sighing and low grumbles and curses.
"The VCR, taichou? Well, look at the manual---well, uh.. what's wrong with it?"

"The clock."
"What about it?"
"The clock is blinking. The clock is blinking twelve over and over again.." He answered.
"Well..."
"Could you please come over and help me with it?" Byakuya asked suddenly. What in the hell possessed him to ask Renji of all people to come to his manor?
"Uh. Sure. When?" Renji answered, then asked his taichou.
"Now." He answered quicker than he could actually think. Shit! Now?! What is going on here?!
"Okay, be right there taichou." Renji said before a click sounded on his end, and Byakuya's heart stopped. He wasn't even in his shinigami uniform! Damnit damnit damnit damnit--- And did he mention--DAMNIT?! He heard a buzzing kind of noise that was slightly like a gust of wind. A shunpo. Which meant.. He turned around to see his fukutaichou all dressed up in his usual shinigami attire. It made him feel ashamed that he wasn't even wearing his Kuchiki things too. Renji stared at him wide-eyed. Byakuya blushed a little and turned back to the VCR. It was an RCA model.

I stared at him with clear confusion on my face. Especially when I saw him blush. He looked nice with his hair down like that and---Wait! Shut up! Hmm but he certainly did. He was handsome anyway. Always was. Probably always will be. Truth was. I always kinda liked him. Ever since I looked into those cold blue grey eyes. Rukia is pretty and all, but she's loud, mean, and abrasive. Byakuya is quiet, strict, yet gentle. He was like a wind in the winter. It always enchants me. He glanced over at me over his shoulder, making his eyes do most of the work. They turned wide once they met mine and then he looked forward again. I've fallen again. Whenever our eyes meet it's like.. Fireworks, and an instant freeze. He makes me nervous. Sometimes I shake when our eyes meet. It's an amazing thing. Psh, now I'm sounding all dramatic. But no matter how much I..like.. him, I could never tell him. What would he say? 'Oh, I love you too Renji. Forget about Hisana, I have you'? No. He'd probably kill me or never speak to me again. I wouldn't be able to handle that.. He grumbled lowly and smacked the box. I sat down beside him, scaring my captain momentarily.

"Abarai!" He cried in surprise. I silently and selfishly wished that I could make him scream like that more often. WAIT! No, bakairu!! He's my taichou, not some high school crush! What next? Mr. Renji Kuchiki? Nice ring, but I can't take him from Hisana! I have to pray to her and ask for forgiveness. "Why would you just come in without warning or permission. This is my manor, I hope you realize." He finished, calming down.
"Heh, sorry taichou." I breathed accidentally, scaring myself for a moment. Byakuya stared at me with confusion in those wide dark eyes. I could've just died right then. Died. Over and over again.

Author note time. HEY GUYS. Sorry for ruining your story.. You can skip over it if you want D: It'd be fuuun if I could pair up with someone and make a fanfiction with like.. FAI AND KUROGANE but I got to be Fai of course D: ...So.. Yeah.. D: Uhh... ENJOY THE REST Y'ALL.

An hour passed and we were still trying to figure out how to stop the clock from blinking. The whole thing actually shut down a few times.
"I now know what RCA means! Stupid American crap--Tch.. It-It means REALLY CRAPPY APPLIANCE!!" Renji cried angrily, his reiatsu spiking. He squeezed the box in his hands, then with a swift movement, the VCR was thrown against the wall on the right of him, barely missing my head. I stared at the box, and then I stared at him. He was very angry. But he was hot headed as well, so this tantrum wasn't anything new, or surprising. But the fact it almost knocked me out was a little shaking. He leaned into me suddenly, his eyes closed. I barely noticed it though. Rising to my feet, I went over to pick up the box. Renji grabbed it from my hands quite clumsily and we both sat back down.
"Uh oh..."

"What?" I said, looking over the box and him.

"The clock is still blinking.."

"Well I'm surprised after what you did to it. You shouldn't be throwing things across the room.." I said, rolling my eyes. I walked over to the wall, inspecting it and gladly seeing that there weren't any chinks in the wood. Renji walked over to me and grabbed my wrist, pinning it to the wall.

It was odd when he grabbed my wrist. Like some sort of electricity. I decided that it was all in my mind. What was he doing?

"Renji! Nan--" My words were cut short when he ended up being and inch close to my face, his lips so close to mine. I was almost tempted to close the distance. But that was the odd side of me that needed to be controlled constantly. He breathed hard, seemingly nervous. His eyes were clouded over and half-lidded. He pinned the wrist he had grabbed before over my head, then grabbed the other with his free hand. That one was pinned beside my head. Being so close also made me a little nervous. He looked down a little, and I bit my lower lip, a nervous habit I had picked up since that battle with Kurosaki Ichigo.
"Taichou.." Renji breathed, observing all of my behaviors. I looked up to meet his eyes, and finally realized that he was slightly taller than me. Hm. That's odd. He got a little closer, then dipped his head lower to my neck. I gasped and tried to break free of his surprisingly strong grip. I arched up from the wall to give a hint that I wanted him to let me go. I took in a breath through my teeth and turned my head away to look at my pinned wrist to see a way out of my fukutaichou's hold. He was breathing hard still, and the heat from his breath trailed over my neck. It made me shiver, but I tried my hardest to keep it hidden. He couldn't win whatever sick game this was.
"Please." I begged breathlessly. I closed my eyes and kept my head turned away from Renji. "Please." I said again, trying to get him away. This was strange. I decided that I didn't like this at all. Renji dipped his head again and pressed his lips against my neck. I gasped hard and pulled and pushed at his grip in vain. He made a slight purring noise, more like a growl, and licked the side of my neck. It was an amazing kind of spot. And he had found it. "Ahhh.." I made the sound despite my attempts to silence any kind of good noise. He growled again and looked up at me from his position at my neck. I turned my head to the front only slightly, then glanced at him sideways. It tried to catch my breath at the look in his eyes and the feeling of him on my neck. What were those thoughts just now? Oh my god, what's going on?

He trembled helplessly in my grip, his breathing became oddly uneven, and he just stared at me sideways with those amazing blue grey eyes. I let go of him, but he stayed right were he was. He rested his hands on my arms and let his head drop forward. He was ashamed of how he was acting. But that was no concern of mine. I only wanted to have him. I licked his neck again and again in that same spot and he breathed hard and heavy, keeping his head low and sometimes clutching at my sleeves. This was so wrong. I couldn't possibly enjoy making such a man melt and turn helpless in his lesser's grip. But I wanted this more than anything I've ever wanted. I licked and sucked at his neck again and again in that same spot, and enjoyed every response. He kept his hands clutching at my sleeves, and now he was letting his head fall back. He let throaty moans escape from his mouth and his breathing was ragged. I pushed my left leg between his legs and pressed myself closer to him.
"Byakuya.." I said softly, trying to think of something more. I kept my eyes fixed on his beautiful pale skin, loving the sounds of his heart and breathing. Both unsteady. His heart was also beating fast. I hoped to the gods that he was enjoying this.. He gasped softly and looked down at me, his eyes saying things like why did you say my name like that? When did you start thinking you could say my name, etc. I licked his neck again, but slowly. From the bottom and then up until I went back down.

As his tongue trailed up and down my neck, I was struggling to catch myself and calm down. It all created a burning trail on my neck and it was the most amazing feeling I had ever had. He kept doing it over and over and over. God, it was amazing. I undid his hair and took the odd bandana off of his head and tangled my left hand in his red hair.
"R-Renji.." The gesture must've shocked him because he stopped and froze for a moment. I looked down at him, then back up as he rose to his normal height. I stared into his eyes without saying a word. He lowered his head, but only a little because he wasn't too much taller than I. His lips were less than an inch apart from mine. My hand was still tangled in his scarlet hair, and the free one was clutching at his sleeve. His mouth covered mine and in that moment, I was cut off from all of my senses except for the ones that were feeling him. The kiss was hungry and started from his end, letting me get used to it. Renji licked my lips, asking for permission. I parted my lips accidentally and his tongue made it's way inside of my mouth and started to press against mine. He tasted amazing. I fought against him in a hungry kiss involving teeth, tongues, and lips until he finally triumphed over me, dominating me entirely. I moaned into his mouth and he growled lowly into mine, making us both lose control. His right hand tangled in my hair and his left pressed my right shoulder into the wall. Thank goodness they installed new walls a few days ago, or we would've fallen through the shoji screens a few seconds ago. He broke the kiss due to lack of ability to breathe and thank god for it, because I swear that my lungs were shutting down.
"Ha...ha....h-ha...ha.." We both breathed hard and heavy in unison. We both stared into eachothers clouded eyes and noticed that we were both sweating, blushing, and enjoying the hell out of this. He grabbed the side of my kimono and pulled at it, revealing my chest and leaving me even more open and helpless to him. He brushed some hair from my eyes and kissing down my neck.
"Renji.." I breathed in pleasure. This was wrong. This was all wrong.

When I heard him say my name like that, I trailed all the way down to his chest quicker and observed the perfect unharmed skin. He was perfect. Even his voice. Perfect. My left hand went to his chest and the right fussed with his obi, trying to reveal the rest of him. I was eager to know. His hands went to my robe and pulled it open with precision. He trailed his hands on my chest, running a fingernail over a scar every once in a while. He shivered knowing that alot of them came from our battles. He felt horrible for that and I knew it. Guilt washed over both of us as we paused. We both said each others name as we were about to explain to each other.
"Renji.. I'm sorry.." He said softly.
"Bya---Taichou.." He narrowed his eyes at my change of names. He was getting used to us saying names normally. He seemed a little off guard, but I wanted him more now. That look in his eyes, the fascination with small intricate details, and the moans he gave me. For me. I took off my shinigami robes and loosened his kimono in one swift movement. He was shocked by the speed of it, and it made me smile to myself. I left his kimono on since I figured he'd look even better all disheveled... He'd be mine. I pushed him harder against the wall and bit down into his shoulder, drawing blood and a hard throaty gasp from him.

"Ahh!!" I cried out despite my attempts to collect myself. That was entirely unexpected. He licked up the blood and licked my neck more, sucking on the wound he'd created, then going back. He made sure that he was the dominant one the whole way through. His fingers trailed closer and closer to my hard member. I was getting a little nervous now. More and more as each tiny moment passed. I was terrified. He wrapped his hand around me and moved slowly. Painfully slow. I let my head fall back against the wall, and screwing my eyes shut, I moaned and breathed heavily. He pressed his thumb against a vein now and again and then he got down on his knees. I almost dreaded what would happen next. He licked the head and slit of my member, making me gasp and moan even more. He was going to make me lose all composure I had left at this point. He took enough of me into his mouth all of a sudden and sucked and bobbed up and down. Good god! I pressed my head back against the wall, dug my fingers into it and moaned louder and louder. My mind was slowly unraveling, leaving me a mind full of only pleasure, pain, and.. Renji. He went a little faster until I felt like I was about to lose it. I didn't want it to stop though. I couldn't say it.. I couldn't.. I looked down at him.
"Renji!! I'm.. I'm going to..!!" I cried as he bit my member slightly with his canine teeth which were surprisingly sharp. He took me entirely into his mouth until I hit the back of his throat. He made a low noise, the vibrations sending me off of the edge. But then it stopped. I made an angry kind of noise, then it turned into a whimper as I realized that warm talented mouth was gone. I cursed lowly and rolled my head back against the wall.
"Ah...hah...h-h-ha-a....ha....ha.." I tried to catch my breath before he rose again, holding me against him possessively. "Wh...y? Why did.... you st..op?" I asked him slowly, staring into his eyes. He stared back and sighed.

I sighed in slight frustration. I couldn't tell him my intentions. I just couldn't. I was terrified that it would ruin everything. And he was starting to trust me.
"Byakuya.. I love you.. And I.." His eyes widened at my short words, looking almost offended. "Always have.. ever since I looked into your eyes.. Saw your pain.. I wanted to have you for myself.." I admitted, hanging my head and dropping to my knees. I had a rising fear, no, terror that I had ruin everything for us, for him, for me. He kneeled down in front of me and tipped my chin up. I refused to look at his face or eyes. Definitely not his eyes. He crushed his lips into mine, knocking me down onto my back, but making my head hit the forgotten VCR--Really Crappy Appliance. He seemed to want this a little more now. Byakuya moaned into my mouth and as he moved a little more on top of me, our erections bumped. He gasped in pleasure and pain, the pain coming from the fact that he was very very hard and almost about ready to cum. I grabbed his legs and pushed him down onto his back instead, then, I presented three fingers to him. He looked at them in cute confusion, then sucked on them equally. I pulled them out once I figured they were good enough and eased one inside of him. He arched up off of the floor and gasped at the unwarned intrusion. I kept myself close to his neck, giving it licks, nips, and full on bites as I slowly moved it in and out. I eased a second finger in and he kept making delicious noises for me. I eased the third inside of him and he shivered, gasped, and moaned in pleasure and pain. But then it turned more into pain. I moved them in and out slowly and once I thought he was ready enough, I picked up the pace and went in and out a little faster. I hit something that made him arch high off the floor and cry out loudly. I went a little faster each time I felt the odd impulse to, and each time I would hit that spot, he'd do something that was slightly restrained. Alas, I was breaking him. His composure was fading and his senses were much more sensitive than how he acted they were.

I cried out again and again each time he would hit that oddly amazing spot. He kept hitting it over and over again and it made me cling to his back, trying to find something to keep me from falling apart. He stopped and I tried to catch my breath. As he withdrew his fingers, the breaths caught in my throat and I growled in frustration. Why must all the good things end? He was fisting his rock hard member and positioning it at my entrance. I stared nervously before nodding. It was so thick and long. I was afraid that something like that would hurt too much.
"Promise me." I choked, staring into his eyes.
"I swear to god that I won't hurt you on purpose. It might hurt, but I don't think I can do anything about it." He said meaningfully and truthfully. I nodded again and he eased himself inside of me.
"H......aAH!" I cried out, clinging to his back again and trying to focus only on him and not the pain. "I...I..Itai!!!"

"I...I..ITAI!!" He yelled, tears in the corners of his eyes. I couldn't stop though. We couldn't just stop. I pushed in a little faster, forgetting his boundaries, and was rewarded with the sting of fresh wounds on my back. He was digging his nails into my back, trying to look to me for comfort. He was falling apart around me. I was fully inside and he had his head buried in my chest, his nails still stuck in my back, and I could feel a warm heat coming from his entrance. He was bleeding. Damnit, I've hurt him so bad.
"Renji.. Move." He demanded in a slightly strained voice. He was in so much pain right now, but he tried so much to hide it. I moved in and out slowly, moving him a little so I could see his face. I wanted to see him as he lost it. As he unraveled. Making the ice cold captain melt and be the one not in control was a total thrill for me. In fact, it was.. orgasmic. "Deeper.." He demanded again, biting his lower lip as he waited. I nodded and decided to go as hard as I could. I heard the floor creak a little with my movements and I watched Byakuya's face. Eyes closed, mouth open, lips bruised, cheeks flushed, hair down and around his head like a shrouded halo, and his breathing was labored. We were both enjoying this very much. I started to pound in and out, in and out, over and over.

I arched up off of the floor and propped myself up on my elbows as Renji started to move faster and harder. It hurt so much. But I wanted this now. He said he wanted me, and I would let myself be taken by him. I felt more and more pressure inside me and I saw stars. He was hitting that amazing spot again. I cried out for more and smiled as I got it, throwing my head back and gasping and moaning. This was the best sex I had ever had in my life. No offense to..her. But he was so interesting with it. And dominant. The rhythm slowed down and I frowned, feeling like something was wrong. Was I missing something here? Did I do something wrong? Ah, too many questions left unanswered. He pulled out and I glared at him in confusion. Today brought alot of confusion. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, got on his back and set me down on top of him. I rubbed our erections together, both of us gasping at the delicious friction. I did it again and again, loving that feeling. He growled and claimed my lips once again, shoving his tongue into my mouth and pushing me backwards slowly. Once I was on my back, he entered me again, thrusting a little clumsily, and kissing me fiercely. He shifted his hips and hit something--That spot.--Again. "AH! Kami.. Renji.. Do that again.." He followed my order and did it harder, deeper, right into that spot. I was slowly creeping over the edge. And then, he picked up a fast, deep, hard pace, stroking my erection along with his thrusts.

I picked up the speed, and everything else, slowly begginging to teeter over the edge. I could tell that Byakuya was clsoe as well, a delicious blush coloring his cheeks. I wished that the moment would never end. But it would have to. That was just a part of the clusterfuck of life, I guess.
"Byakuya.." I was so close now. I was picking up the speed a little more.

"Byakuya.." He rasped into my ear, his hot breath trailing over my neck.
"Y..yes?" I asked rather pointlessly, half knowing what was next. He panted as he rested his chin on my shoulder and kept going. I felt all my rational thoughts bunch, then break, then disappear.
"I'm gonna cum..." He choked, laughing a little. He rubbed his thumb over the slit on my erection, making me shudder. Where did he learn all these things? I nodded, saying the same with actions and he thrust a few more times before releasing inside of me, the small noises coming from him pushing me far off, and I came, shuddering and panting. As he was. He collapsed on top of me, pulling out and his eyes glanced over at the forgotten VCR.
"Oh.." He mumbled, waking me up slightly.

He looked like he had been awakened or something because he shook his head and his eyes sparked. He hummed in response.
"The clock is still blinking.." I finished, watching his amused expression as he smirked slightly and laughed. It was a soft laugh, but I knew it was a real one. I sighed and put my uniform back on, and tying the badge back onto the sleeve and then tying my hair back up. I sensed a metric ass load of paperwork coming on for some reason. I watched as Byakuya tidied himself up, straightening his yukata back to it's previous state as I cleaned the area up of our little secret right before a flock of servants rushed into the room. Damn. Talk about good timing. Oh, speaking of the time. I glanced at the clock, temporarily forgetting that it was blinking twelve and being dumbass-ish. Damn. Stupid VCR.
"I should be leaving, taichou. Should I take the VCR?" I asked with a normal detached kind of voice and Byakuya nodded, looking cold and detached as well. Nice. He could play poker and freak people out with that kind of straight face. He was good. I smiled at him and he opened one eye and a small smile tugged his lips. It went unnoticed by the servants as I scooped the VCR up and flashstepped out of the manor.

I watched with silent amusement as he flashstepped away, seeing a few flickers of him as he smiled broadly. What an idiot. I hope he knows that he's in for alot fo paperwork for dominating his taichou. His.. Dios mio.. Oh, look, lunchtime.

O W A R I

Oh my gaawd. IT'S FINISHEDDD! *bounces up and down, then remembers that my stomach hurts like shit* Aaaaw, FUCK!! *collapses* THE PAAAIN. THE PAIN OF IT AAAAAAAAAAALL. *composes myself again* Phew. Okay, anyway, make sure to RATE AND REVIEW.... OR WHATEVER THE HELL (lol) and uh... I want CRITISMSMSM.. D: Infact, I DEMAND it. CRACK TIME.

I made some random ass things while chatting with people..
Kaien: OH NO, MY WIFE GOT POSSESSED!! OH GOD, SHE KEEEEELL MOST OF TEH SEARCH TEAM!! OH GOD SHE GOT KNOCKED OOOOUT. I MUST FIND HEEEER. LET ME FIGHTTTTT.
Ukitake: OKAY~!! FIGHT AND SAVE PEOPLE'S LIIIVES :D
Kaien: THANKYOU!!! I MUST FIIIIGHT. WOW, MY ZANPAKUTO IS MELTEDDDD. IT TURNED INTO WATERY GOOPEY GOOOOO D: WOW TENTACOOOOL. BWAAARGH. NOW I KEEEEELL MY TAICHOU. DIE TAICHOU DIIIIIE. No...I WANNA KEEEEEEELL RUKIAAAAA. DIIIIIIIE. *gets impaled* !! Oh, now I die... xP
Rukia: ?!!!!
Ukitake: D:

Fuck the fork, use a spork~ *teeth shiney ding+thumbs up* ;DD WARNING: Do not poke, prod, make fun of, or provoke the spork. The spork is a common cause of most, if not, all, household injuries. Do not look directly at the spork. The spork is not to be used for external or internal use. Use at your own risk. It's your funeral..

Hey guys.. this is like.. sad.. I was getting great reviews at first, and then.. POOF. No freaking reviews D: Come on people. Don't make me sad and quit my account because I am no good...