The Three Acolytes Gruff
Piotr sighed happily while lying down on his bed with a thin book in his hands and a smile on his face. His cherished stuffed puppy shifted slightly while resting on his shoulder as he carefully turned a page. I can not believe I am doing this, he thought before smiling even more. But it has been a long time. And it is not like anyone will ever find out about this…
"Hey Colossus!"
"Ahhh!" Piotr bolted straight up and quickly hid the book behind his back. He turned and saw Remy and Pyro standing in the doorway of his room.
"Oops! Sorry about that mate," Pyro apologized. "Did I wake you up?"
"Oh, uh no. I was just relaxing," Piotr recovered quickly.
"Great. You up for a little Cutthroat?" Remy asked. "You still owe us a rematch after skunking us twice in a row."
"Uh, no thank you. Not right now," Piotr fumbled for an excuse.
"Oh come on Colossus. We even made a whole bunch of muffins to snack on between turns," Pyro held up a large basket.
"Yeah, you've never turned down a reason to play pool before," Remy raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "And what's that thing you're trying to hide behind your back?"
"Huh?" Piotr snuck a worried glance over his shoulder and pulled out his stuffed puppy. "You mean him?"
"No, the other thing behind your back," Remy said entering the room.
"I do not know what you are talking about," Piotr laughed nervously and desperately attempted to cover up the book.
"Oooh, let me see! Let me see!" Pyro edged forward and tried to get a peak.
"No!" Piotr scooted back along his bed. "It is nothing really, it is…hey!" He yelped as Remy smoothly snuck next to him and plucked the book from his grasp.
"Hmmm. What do we have here?" Remy smirked and glanced at the cover. "The Three Billy Goats Gruff?"
"Hey! I remember that story!" Pyro said. "Haven't thought about it in years. You're reading it?"
"Well…yes," Piotr blushed heavily. "It just popped into my head one day…and I have not read it in a long time…and I always liked the story…"
"Me too! It was one of my favorites when I was a tyke," Pyro chirped. "Even though it's kinda silly and filled with plot holes."
"What?" Piotr frowned. "How is it filled with plot holes?"
"Oh boy," Remy sighed. "Here we go."
"Well just think about it," Pyro plopped down into the chair next to Piotr's desk. "First off, there's the whole troll-living-under-the-bridge thing. Trolls live in caves and underground and stuff. Why is that one living underneath a bridge? Unless he was homeless or his wife kicked him out of the cave."
"Okay," Piotr blinked. "I suppose that makes sense."
"And those goats. They just let the littlest one cross the bridge first all alone?" Pyro continued. "How stupid is that? They shoulda crossed as a group with one of the bigger goats in the lead and the smallest in the middle. Every zoologist in existence knows animals try and protect the young, not set 'em up to be bumped off!"
"That does seem irresponsible of them," Piotr commented.
"I can't believe you're listening to this," Remy groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"Then again, if the smallest goat was dumb enough to go running off ahead maybe he deserved to get eaten," Pyro admitted. "Or he was just really annoying and the other goats decided to try and get rid of him. Can you image that?"
"I know Mags and Sabes could," Remy gave Pyro a look. "Aren't you gonna mention the absurdity of talking goats?"
"Of course not," Pyro waved. "Everyone knows the reason for that. The goats must've been mutants."
"Oh geeze," Remy groaned.
"And what about family values?" Pyro pointed out heatedly. "When two of the goats are threatened with being eaten, what do they do? Try and weasel out of it by selling out the next biggest goat in line! Is that the kind of behavior parents want to teach their kids?"
"Yeah, it'd probably make the parents pretty nervous," Remy quipped and began munching on a muffin.
"I see your point," Piotr nodded. "But the goats only said those things to outwit the troll. He was not very smart."
"Well duh! That has to be the stupidest troll ever!" Pyro threw up his hands. "A goat tells him to hold back from eating since a bigger one is coming and he just lets the goat pass? He shoulda just killed the goat and saved it for later."
"But how would the troll save the meat? I doubt he would have had a refrigerator or freezer," Piotr said.
"He could always smoke it and make it into jerky," Pyro explained. "Or salt it if he couldn't make a fire."
"Why wouldn't he be able to make a fire?" Piotr asked. "He was skilled enough to make the bridge."
"Do we know he made the bridge?" Pyro wondered. "Maybe he stumbled across it or stole it and killed the original owner. That would explain why he's so bad at economics."
"Economics?" Piotr repeated in confusion.
"Yeah. If he had any smarts at all he'd be running a toll bridge," Pyro explained. "I mean he's got the only bridge leading to a whole hillside full of fresh grass. Every goat for miles would want to cross over to it. Not to mention cows, sheep and horses. He could make a fortune!"
"Oh come on. What would he charge? Goats aren't known for having a whole lot of cash," Remy blinked. "Oh no! Now you got me doing it!"
"He could ask for milk and goat hair," Piotr suggested. "They would be easy to provide. Then he could make them into butter, cheese and clothing, keep some for himself and sell the rest to someone who had money."
"Hey, that's a great idea!" Pyro agreed excitedly. "And he could go fishing in the stream and do the same thing. That way he'd get his necessary protein and wouldn't be so tempted to eat the goats."
"Are you sure? It might have been a shallow stream," Piotr thought.
"It was deep enough to carry away the troll at the end of the story," Pyro pointed out. "So it must have been able to support fish."
"Why should the troll stop there?" Remy drawled sarcastically. "Why doesn't he just buy the whole hillside and plant some crops. Then he can build a watermill next to the stream and really rake in the cash. And he can run a goat dating service on the side."
"Oh yeah, I bet the goats would love that," Pyro laughed. "And after the troll got rich he could go back to his wife and rub it in her face for making him leave! Hahahahaha!"
"I do not think the troll would do that," Piotr said. "Or try and work hard or do any of those other things. He seems too lazy if he spends all his time underneath a bridge."
"Hmmm, I never thought of that," Pyro scratched his head. "But taking care of the hill and building a mill would be a whole lot of work. And he'd have to start paying taxes."
"Maybe the troll was a naturalist and was trying to keep the goats away from the grass," Piotr ventured. "At the end of the story they ate a whole lot and got very fat. If they kept that up they would have overgrazed the hill and caused soil erosion."
"Na. I think he was just real stupid and lazy," Pyro shook his head. "Not to mention out of shape. I mean he lost to the last goat despite being a big 'ol troll. How hard could it be to fight a goat?"
"Oh really? Have you ever fought a goat?" Remy gave him a look.
"I have," Piotr said. Remy and Pyro stared at him. "One of our neighbors raised them. I often helped out in the fall. One time a large buck ate a whole wagon of sugar beets and ran amok blowing up two barns and a distillery."
"It what?" Remy did a double take. "How the heck did it manage that?"
"Well somehow it got control of the local tractor and a couple cases of rifle bullets," Piotr shuddered slightly. "Even after I wrestled and tackled it to the ground it put up quite a fight. I still have the scars from the steel bucket it threw at me."
"O-kay," Remy blinked. "Maybe goats can be pretty dangerous."
"Hey, do you want to read the story to us?" Pyro asked Piotr innocently.
"What?" Piotr was surprised. "But, but it is so short…and I am not used to reading out loud…and you could just…"
"Please?" Pyro pleaded and made puppy dog eyes. "Please, please, please, please, please?"
"Oh, alright," Piotr chuckled and gave in.
"Yay!" Pyro cheered and bounced up and down in the chair.
"Man, what are you doing? You're acting like a silly little kid," Remy looked at Pyro. "What am I saying? You are a silly little kid!"
"Shhh, I wanna listen to the story," Pyro shushed him and slid down to the floor.
"I don't believe this," Remy threw up his hands.
"What is wrong? Don't you want to listen to the story?" Piotr asked placing his stuffed puppy on his knee.
"Well someone has to be the mature one around here," Remy grumbled.
"That was not a denial," Piotr noted after a moment.
"Come on Gambit," Pyro coaxed temptingly. "Just for a little bit. Please? You know you want to."
"Grrr," Remy wavered. "Alright! Fine! But only if we promise never to tell anyone about this. Ever!"
"You got it," Pyro winked happily.
"Okay," Piotr nodded.
"Good," Remy muttered and shut the door before taking a seat on the floor. "Just try to do a good job with the 'troll-foll-de-roll' parts will ya? I really hate it when they get messed up."
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the story "The Three Billy Goats Gruff".