01. Dark Paradise: Drown

There's no relief, I see you in my sleep.

She was cast in shades of blue, like the color of the sea – like the color of her eyes. Her skin was ghastly pale, as if the waters she'd been laid to rest in had washed the pink hue of life away. Her lips were chapped, faded, colorless – lifeless. Her clothes were soaked, yet she left no wet trail on the wooden floorboards. Her raven hair surrounded her face, messy and unkempt, yet bone dry.

"Milah." Killian breathed as the sight before him pulled him from his dreamless slumber.

He had moved on – or so he believed he had. He hadn't been visited by her for the last three nights, but tonight it seemed that she chose to appear again. But she looked different; she looked as if she had been affected by her final resting place. Every night prior to tonight when she had come to him, he had been met with the same face that he held close to his chest after her life had been stolen.

But tonight it was different.

Three nights had passed since he had chosen to have future instead of dwelling in the past. Since he had allowed Milah's murderer aboard his ship, with no retribution - since he had betrayed the memory of his love.

She raised a single hand, her finger curling towards her – beckoning him from his bed. "Come to me Killian." Her words rang with the sound of a dozen bells, filling his ears as if her voice was in there.

"Come where?" He questioned, throwing back the covers and rising from his bed. He numbly stepped towards her, but every step towards her pushed her a step further away. But as if he were still in a dream, he felt compelled to follow her.

"You're going to be with me again, my love." She drew out her words – like the songs of the ocean. It was hypnotic, melodic, enthralling. But it wasn't her voice – her voice had always been rougher, stronger, with a power that was not this new, strange, powerful tone.

Yet it was as if he could do nothing except obey her. He followed her out of his cabin, onto the deck.

"Milah, where are we going?" The pirate questioned, his words tumbling from his lips, falling on deaf ears as he watched the visage step through the railing of the deck, hovering above the vast dark waters of Neverland.

"Have you missed me my love?" Milah held her hands out before her, offering them to him. "If you come with me – leave all of this behind, you can be with me again. I know you have tried and failed to end your life before."

Killian paled at her words. "I thought I failed because it wasn't my time."

He had new hope now, he was determined that he was meant for more, but now – in his half asleep, half terrified state – he wasn't so sure.

"You have failed me Killian."

"No." His heart ached at her words, his blue eyes softening with the pain that came from knowing he had failed her. "Milah – I'm trying to help them save your grandson."

The color around Milah flickered black at his words. "Do you think you deserve happiness?"

Killian's lips parted, no sound coming out as he stumbled over his answer. He hadn't mentioned trying to move on – but it didn't surprise him that she knew his intentions.

"Exactly." The chime of her voice had changed into a hiss. "You allow the man who killed me aboard your ship, revenge dropped for some woman."

"You don't understand!" Killian shouted at the ghost, his heart hammering in his chest as he stared intently at the figure that flickered dangerously at the rise in his voice. "I just want someone to care about me. My revenge has left me alone for so long and I'm tired of the ghost that haunts my bed!"

"I'm tired of being dead." She retorted briskly. The blue light was now thick black smoke that swirled around her legs, traveling upwards slowly.

"Your death was not my fault! I shouldn't suffer because of it." Killian cried out, shaking with anger and frustration. "I did all that I could but nothing ever worked! You know that I was once a good man Milah, I loved and I cared and I yearned for the life that I was denied. But this –" He gestured between the two of them, "This revenge, it sates none of my desires. I exhausted all the efforts that could bring my revenge to a emd, but it was always undone. I've finally done something good! Something you would be proud of."

"I'm proud of nothing you have done. You're a coward like the man who killed me."

Killian felt his knees give way then, hitting the deck before he could recognize that it was happening. "I'm not like him." He couldn't understand why she was doing this. He had done everything he could to try to kill the Crocodile, but it never worked – it was always undone, his crimes patched and forgiven. Working for the side he'd chosen had brought him honor – purpose. But here he was smacked across the face with the word coward – a comparison to his own sworn enemy.

Killian bowed his head forward, "If I am as bad as he why does he get to move on Milah? Why does he get to love?" Tears burned his eyes and he struggled to keep his breath steady. "Why can't I be loved? All I ever did was love you and my life was ruined because of it. I have a second chance."

"Do you really want this?"

Slowly he looked up, eyes widening as he was met with the sight of Emma, in the place of Milah, hovering just past the edge of the deck.

"Hook?" The voice was no longer like the chime of bells, it rang loud and clear as Emma's – even if he knew that the real Emma lay sound asleep in her bed. "Why did you come back for us?"

Killian trembled as he stood up, "I wanted to be the good man for once."

"You still failed." Emma laughed, a sound he'd never heard – a sound that felt inappropriate for her demeanor, in a moment like this. "You came back too late. You failed me, just as you fail everyone."

"We're going to get your son back." Killian stepped forward, unable to hold himself back. She was calling to him, a pull that he couldn't fight. He was pressed against the railing of the deck as he spoke to her. "Please, please… I have made so many mistakes in the past that just for once I want to be accepted for them."

"But, Hook, why would I want someone like you? Why would I want a monster like you?"

"I am not a monster!" He shouted, his voice causing the specter to react, it lunged towards him, sweeping him off of his feet.

"Killian!"

The scream pierced the night – the only voice that felt real as he found himself careening towards the black waters below. The icy water rushing around him, flooding his ears, smothering his oxygen, paralyzed him. Was the fight for life worth it? He was exhausted – exhausted from the years of pain he endured, trying and failing again and again.

Perhaps this was an end.

"Jesus fucking Christ." Emma's voice broke through the haze as he realized the tightening grip on his arm, was not death dragging him under, but Emma dragging him above the waves.

"Emma?" He tried to focus on her, but the darkness of the night and the water that clouded his eyes made it impossible. But he knew one fact – she was real. She wasn't the specter that had dragged him over board.

"Yes it's me you fucking moron." The fact that she was pissed filled him with a certain pride that he couldn't quite identify. The anger that radiated from her was different – new. She'd never truly been angry with him before. Not even after all of the awful things he'd done. She'd always been so cool and collected, masking her true feelings about it all.

"David, throw the rope down!" Emma shouted up at the deck, the rope dropping down in front of them a matter of seconds later. She passed it to Killian, pressing it into the palm of his hand. "Can you get up there?"

"Yes." Killian coughed hoarsely, gripping the rope tightly. He stared at her, his heart hammering in his chest – and not because of everything that had just happened to him. "Em-"

"Save it." She snapped coldly, teeth chattering as she waded to stay above the small waves that lapped against the hull of the ship.

He cringed at the sharp tone she used with him, letting his gratitude die on his lips as he began to climb up the knotted rope. The rope tightened below him and he knew she was following behind him – safe.

There were mermaids in this ocean – it wasn't safe to be in it.

Killian hauled himself over the railing, collapsing onto the deck the moment he was over. He was soaked to the bone, shivering, and the ache in his chest wasn't going to just go away. Blinking his eyes he looked up at the Prince who stood above him. "How did you know I was overboard?"

"Ask Emma."

As if on cue, Emma climbed over the deck, with just as little grace as Killian had. Her eyes shot open, turning her head to look at the pirate. "Why does it matter? You're alive." She pushed herself up slowly, wiping her hand over her face.

"Em-"

"I'm going back to bed." Emma snapped, holding her hand out for her father to help her to her feet. "I suggest you do the same." She added, glancing over her shoulder at the pirate.

Killian scrabbled to his feet, trying to stop her from retreating from him. "You don't understa-"

"I don't care." She met his eyes. "Get the fuck out of my way."

David stepped in between the two of them, pushing Killian out of Emma's away. "I'd listen to her, mate."

Killian stared after her in confusion, blinking rapidly as he watched the door to their cabins close. "I just wanted to…. Thank her." He turned to look at David, the confusion that was etched on his face was genuine.

"She's going through a lot right now." David explained, his tone softening when he surveyed the way the pirate looked about the whole matter. Something had shifted; he wasn't as cocky, as sure of himself. "You've just caught her in a bad mood."

"It's late." Killian inhaled deeply, "I can understand."

"Goodnight Hook." David offered, patting his shoulder briefly before he retreated from the deck.

She had called him Killian. He hadn't even registered that she had until now. All of this time and she chose to call him it in a moment of panic, in a moment where he needed to hear that name to pull him from the nightmare – His mind.

He was drowning in his thoughts, the past trying to overwhelm the future he could have. The future slipping through his fingers.