It's funny, isn't it? How our lives are one thing, we plan them out, decide what we want, and then BAM! Life comes along and destroys everything we've worked so hard to achieve.

Prologue

We first met at a concert for a local band. Sarah's older brother was the lead guitarist, and she'd been to nearly every one of their shows, always standing right in front of the stage. I hadn't really wanted to go, but a group of friends dragged me along. I saw her up there in front, dancing and jumping in sync with the music, singing along with the songs.

During one of the breaks between songs, she and her friends went outside, some of them to smoke, some to get a breath of fresh air, and my friends did as well. She was beautiful. The moonlight bounced off her chestnut brown hair in an almost dazzling display of dark and bright colors, her lips were full, and she bore the fleshy pink lipstick like it was made for her. But her eyes were what caught my attention the most. They were the most beautiful specks of emerald green, seemingly as deep as you could ever imagine, and she'd framed them perfectly with a small amount of mascara. She bore no other makeup, and it perfected the image of subtle beauty.

Our groups wound up talking, and I introduced myself to her. We talked and laughed all night as if we'd known each other for years. When the band started playing again, I joined her at the front, which I had never done before. I had a lot of fun with it, and at the end of the night I asked for her number. I never took it beyond friendship, and I really didn't want to. Over the course of the next three years we grew closer and when we got accepted by the same college, I was overjoyed.

That's when it all started, though.

Week 1

Wednesday

I was staring into my locker in the hallway, unable to find my social studies books. Did I forget them in my dorm room yesterday? Couldn't remember where I'd put them. Sticking my head into the small metal closet, I begun rummaging between all of my things, most of which weren't even school related, when I was startled by what felt like a large bang to the left of me. I hurt my head on the way out and was caressing the bruise when I pulled my head out and stared right at her chuckling face. She always tried to hide her smile with a hand when she laughed, and now was no exception. "Hey Sarah," I said with a smile and closed my locker, leaning against it in much the same way as she was leaning against the other locker. She held out three books with a smile.

"Hey Alex," she replied, clearly trying to stifle her amusement at my misfortune. "Your roommate brought me these, said you'd forgotten them." I thanked her and took a glance at the books she held in the other hand. When we started here at college, she and I picked a few classes together, but she already knew she wanted to be a music major, and I had no idea what I wanted to do yet, so I took a bit of everything. She was clearly on her way to something with Composition, which meant we'd only be able to walk together a little of the way.

"How're things going with the band? Got any gigs yet?" I asked her, trying to find something quick to talk about on the way. She'd joined one of the college's rock bands a few weeks back, and had been spending a lot of time with them. I was a bit jealous, but I figured I just needed to find my own hobby.

-"Yeah, we've got one this Friday. It's really small and we're opening for another local band. You should come."

-"Alright, I will." I smiled at her and stopped in front of a door. "This is me, see ya at lunch?"

-"I'll see if I can make it, but we kinda have to practice for Friday, y'know?" She looked at me with an apologetic glimmer in her eyes. "I know we haven't spent much time together lately, but after Friday, I'm all yours, alright?" I nodded with a smile and bid her farewell before I went into the room behind me, taking a seat on the third row, ready for another round of social studies with Ms. Marks, one of the most boring teachers on campus. The subject was interesting, though, so it was alright.

Friday

I didn't see Sarah for almost three days, and when I texted her, she always took a long time to reply. It annoyed me a bit, but I guess she was really into the whole band thing. Our text based conversations were short and concise, so I just decided to get the address for the show on Friday and give her some space.

I put on some nice-but-not-too-nice clothes, seeing as I wanted to look good at Sarah's first show, but it was still a rock concert, so it would be ill-fitting if I wore something too fancy. When I arrived at the show, it was already full of people. We probably couldn't even have been more people without breaking some sort of fire safety regulation, but it was nice to see so many people in the room. I just went to stand in the back, since I was most comfortable there. No one tried to push me around up front and I could enjoy the music my own way. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I sent Sarah another text I wasn't too sure she'd read. 'Good luck up there. Rooting for you!'. Another couple of minutes passed before the light went off and the stage spots ignited. Together with the band, Sarah strode onto the stage with a huge smile. She grabbed her bass and started waving. While the band started playing the lead singer, a good looking guy named Brandon, introduced them.

"Good evening everyone," he said with a hazy voice and a cheeky smile as the music rose in volume. "We're the Bad Manners, thanks for having us tonight. We hope you enjoy the show!" he was calm, and cool about it, didn't even raise his voice to be heard over the music, and then took a step away from the mic, waiting for something, and just as the music broke out of the intro he stepped forward and sang, still in that hazy voice.

I looked to Sarah, who seemed to be having the best time of her life. Only girl in the band, too, and she was smiling like I'd never seen her smile before. A sense of pride rose in my chest, and I smiled, too. I couldn't take my eyes off her for the rest of the show. The way the stage lights danced on her hair and face entranced me, and the music was only helping them. The entire set list went by, and I felt as if I'd been enchanted. While the crowd was clapping, Why aren't they clapping more? Brandon said thanks for the night and the band went off stage. I sent Sarah another text, telling her I was standing in the back of the room, and another ten minutes went by before the headlining band went on stage. I'd never heard of them, but the rest of the crowd went wild, so I clapped along a bit. They started playing, and they were pretty good. At the end of the first song, Sarah and the rest of the band came out of the door beside the stage, and Sarah went straight for me. She practically jumped me and hugged me with a kiss on the cheek. I blushed and felt a familiar feeling starting to churn in my stomach. I barely had time to process this sensation before Sarah started talking "Did you see us up there? It was amazing! Was it good? I had the best time of my life!" I just nodded with a smile and hoped she couldn't see me blushing in the lack of light here in the back of the small concert room. Sarah then took my hand and lead me outside where the rest of the band was waiting.

"Guys, this is the Alex I've told you about," Sarah said, indicating me with one hand. I smiled and waved shyly. They all smiled back with various ways of saying hello. "Come on, we're gonna go get something to eat, I'm starving," she continued and started walking, waving for me to follow. All the way to the diner, I was walking behind Sarah, having a conversation with the drummer, David, about the show. But I couldn't shake the feeling that was still churning in my stomach and distracting me. All night, I was noticing these new small things about Sarah. Or rather, I was re-noticing them. How the small amount of makeup she wore complimented her pale, yet close to perfect skin, how her emerald green eyes sparkled in the light, and how her fingers seemed like the gentlest little things when she picked up the fries from her plate. I sat across from her, our legs intertwined as they always were when we could get away with it. It had always been our way of ensuring each other that we'd never leave each other behind. However, tonight it was different for me. I guess if I had been less distracted, I would have noticed it way sooner and it would have saved me from a lot of pain over the coming weeks. At the end of the night when Brandon went back to his place and Sarah and I started walking toward the dorm, Sarah told me to wait for a couple of seconds, and she half-ran back to Brandon, calling to him. He stopped right on the other side of the diner stairs, barely twenty feet from me, and Sarah hugged him before kissing him. I turned away for a few seconds before it hit me like a brick in the face. Wait what? I snapped my head back around and felt the happy, excited churning in my stomach drop, instantly replaced by a black void, and as I looked back across the night, Sarah and Brandon had basically been at each other all night, and I was kinda surprised they hadn't kissed sooner.

She came back with a huge smile on her face. I decided to be the best friend I could and smiled back, putting my arm around her shoulder This doesn't feel right like I always did. "So, you and Brandon, huh? When did you plan on telling me?" I asked, hoping she couldn't detect the malice I did my best to hide from my voice.

"Yeah, I guess, so," she said, throwing her gaze to the ground. "It's nothing serious, though. Not yet at least," she finished off the sentence and looked up at me with a nervous smile. "Sorry for not telling you sooner. I'll buy dinner tomorrow?" I forced a smile that I hoped looked sincere and kissed her hair Why would I do that?, pulling her smell in through my nose before telling her it was alright. The rest of the walk toward the campus was mostly silent as I didn't really want to talk, but we did have various casual conversations, mostly focused on the show, the band, school, the weekend and then a bit more serious about Brandon.

That night I had trouble getting to sleep. I'd always had trouble figuring out who I am, especially before college started. I never really knew whether I was into boys or girls, or both, for that matter. I never knew what I wanted to do when I grew up, and I never knew where I wanted to be in five years. Amidst all of this confusion, the only solid rock I could cling to was Sarah and our friendship. And now I was starting to have feelings for my best friend? What was this all about? What even changed? I had a few feelings for her when our friendship first started, but I quickly forgot about them as I realized she'd be better as my friend than as my lover, and now they were coming back? What the hell?

Saturday

Usually when I woke up, my roommate, Taylor, would be in their chair, reading or browsing the Internet, and I would say good morning and turn to the side to get a bit more sleep or wake up completely before getting out of bed. Neither of those happened today. My sleep had been wracked with dreams of Sarah and Brandon, both good and bad, and all I could do this morning was to open my eyes and stare aimlessly at the ceiling for God knows how long. Taylor wasn't in the room either, and I had no idea how much time passed with me just laying there in my bed trying to figure things out before my phone chimed beside me, alerting me of the outside world. The first thing I saw when I rolled to the side and grabbed it was the large clock at the top of the screen. 10:48, it said. I'd been sleeping longer than I had planned, but to be honest I didn't mind. I didn't want to get out of bed. The source of the noise my phone made a few seconds earlier was a text, sent by Sarah, and before I could anticipate it, reality slammed me in the face with a brick again as the events of last night came rushing back. Steeling myself against what could be coming, I punched in the four digit password and navigated to Sarah's text message. 'Morning sleepyhead! Come on out of that cave and go eat something with me already ;)' it said. I smiled a bit at the screen as I realized that, for Sarah at least, nothing had changed last night.

Getting dressed, I replied to Sarah's text, telling her I'd be right out. On my way out I looked myself in the mirror, straightened the worst of my hair and made sure my pants and shirt weren't wrinkly. Once outside my dorm, I spotted Sarah sitting on a bench, legs crossed with an old, battered book. Must've been some kind of novel. She always loved reading novels from the 90's. Seeing her hair drooped down one side of her head and dipping over the shoulder, her head tilted forwards as she turned the pages of the book made my knees weak, and I had to tell myself before I could start walking toward her. "Sarah!" I called out and started moving in her direction. Slipping a bookmark inside the book, she looked up and smiled.

-"Morning Alex," she called back in a much calmer manner than I had. Calm and collected, like always. She waited for me to reach her, and before I sat down to ask where she wanted to get breakfast, she got up, dumped her book in her oversized purse and put a hand on my arm, saying "Come on, I have just the place. Ever had brunch before?" I had to admit I hadn't and she giggled, covering her mouth as always. I was unsure whether the idea of me having never eaten lunch and breakfast at the same time before, or me making a funny expression was the source of her amusement. No matter which it was, she fixed a few stray strands of hair on my head with a "Look at your hair, did you even look in the mirror this morning?" before she pulled me out of the campus and we started walking to wherever it was she wanted to go.

See, aside from that weird churning of excitement, fear and regret in my stomach, this was how I liked things. Normal. Just two people going to brunch together, expecting to have a good time together and then maybe doing some shopping. But even though I liked it this way, was it what I wanted? I asked myself this question over and over as Sarah and I were about to finish our brunch. It had been an amazing time. Our conversations had been just like old times, she'd told me about how one of her teachers fell asleep during class and how one of the guys in her class started balancing things on the teacher's forehead. All the while she was chuckling like few times before, and I was laughing a bit myself. I had very few fun things to share myself, and I enjoyed listening to her stories. It was well past lunch when we left the brunch place, and we still had the rest of the day ahead of us, so on the way back to the campus, we decided to take a stroll through the nearby park. I guess here's where I could have done something different again to prevent so much pain. It's my fault all of this happened in the end.

-"Sarah?"

-"Alex?" Her usual response when I start sounding too serious for her taste. She was always the more light hearted of us and a little shy of conflict.

-"About Brandon," I started off, then bit my lip, starting to regret that I had brought this topic up. I stopped walking and leaned against a railing by the small man-made lake in the park. She saw my hesitation and urged me to go on, even though she knew she might not like the subject. Always considerate like that. "Are you and him more serious than you told me yesterday?"

-"I dunno Alex, it's confusing. I haven't known him that long," she started explaining and leaned backwards against the same railing as me. "But there's something about him, y'know? Why do you ask?"

-"It's nothing, really," I sighed and fought hard to stop myself from starting a rant about my own confusing feelings about her. "Just don't let him get in the way of your plans, alright?" I finished off and looked at her wistfully as I indicated her carefully laid plans for the future. She smiled a little and moved a strand of hair away from my face.

-"I won't, alright? If we're together long enough, who's to say he can't be part of them?" she comforted me and planted a kiss on my forehead Why are you playing with my feelings like that?! before pulling me away from the railing. "Come on, we have some studying to do for that test on Monday."

Week 3

Monday

Sarah and Brandon had been getting more and more serious, so even though she'd promised me more alone time with her once she and the band were done practicing for the first gig, she always brought Brandon with her, and I had to watch them kiss time and time again. When I couldn't take that any more, I'd started hanging with Taylor's group of friends in my spare time, you know, to take my mind off Sarah. My feelings for her had only gotten stronger over the course of those almost two weeks, though, so I was no longer confused about that. I had confided in one of Taylor's friends about it, a girl named Megan. For a few days we hadn't talked about it, but one day when she saw me staring at Sarah and Brandon kissing from across the college's cantina, she pulled me aside and told me to talk it out. Megan is great. She's always so direct about everything. She said "Tell me what's going through your head right this moment, or it'll haunt you forever."

-"I don't know how to describe it Megan. I mean, I'm happy that my best friend has a boyfriend who she likes a lot, and I'm happy that they're getting more serious. But I'm jealous it's not me. Every time I see them kiss, I want to punch him and kiss her instead. But I also don't want to do any of that because I value our friendship too much, you know?"

-"That's a pretty accurate description, don't you think?" Megan asked me and took a step back, giving me some breathing room, even though I enjoyed being so close to her. You still don't understand!

-"Yeah, I guess it is," I responded and smiled for a second before it faded.

-"Listen, I know this is rough," You don't say Sherlock? "But I'll help you through it, alright?" She smiled at me and put a hand on my shoulder. "We just have to figure out which route you wanna take, you know, like in all those video games all the guys play?" I nodded and started to move out of the dining hall, Megan following me. Right outside, she put a hand on my shoulder and turned me around "Alex, I'm worried okay? Taylor told me you're sleeping with one of Sarah's shirts."

-"I am, but it's nothing, okay? I just like her smell," I responded LIES! and smiled a bit at her. "It's nothing to worry about."

-"Alright. But maybe you shouldn't sleep with it, you know? It might be preventing you from thinking clearly. Does she even know you have it?"

-"She… doesn't," I admitted and bit my lower lip as I sat down on a bench. "I helped her clean out her closet about a week ago, and she was gonna throw it out anyway. Listen, I'll be careful, okay?" She nodded and gave me a hug, whispering to me that I could come to her any time and then left for her class. I had a free track, so I went to my room to sleep or think or whatever I could get to doing.

Thursday

A few days after my talk with Megan, Sarah and Brandon hit a rough patch. She came running to my dorm and asked if Taylor could give us the room for a few minutes, and I shot my roommate a glance before Taylor left the room. Barely two seconds after we were alone in the room, she broke down crying on the floor, sobbing like a baby and I fell to my knees beside her, wrapping my arms around her. A good minute passed before she was able to comprehensively tell me about what had happened. She and Brandon had been fighting about something, I don't remember what, but the point is that this was the first time since our first week at college I'd been alone with my best friend. I comforted her and told her everything would be alright. Taylor asked through the door if we wanted something from the store, and I responded with a quick no. I'm pretty sure Taylor just wanted me to know we'd have the room to ourselves for about half an hour. We moved to my bed and cuddled up close. I enjoyed her smell and told myself not to enjoy this too much while the love of my- no my best friend was suffering.

At one point, after talking for quite some time, Sarah looked to the right and saw her shirt on my pillow. She asked how I'd gotten it and why it was there. I panicked, not knowing what to say, so I kissed her hard on the mouth in a desperate attempt to avoid talking. I should not have done that. I was surprised when she kissed me back for a second, but for the third time in less than two weeks, reality slammed a brick into my face when she broke it off and stared at me in disbelief. "Alex?! What are you doing?"

-"I- I'm sorry Sarah, it's just-" I started explaining, still unsure how to explain it all despite of how much thinking I'd done over the last two weeks.

-"Is this what those questions in the park was about?" She cut me off and moved away, a bit more calm now. I nodded and she moved further away from me. She huddled up in a corner and peeled her shirt off my pillow, hugging it tight. "How long has this been going on?"

-"Since the concert," I sighed. "Listen, I didn't mean to- I- I- I panicked, I didn't know what to do. I didn't fall in love with you on purpose!" I almost shouted the last part, which seemed to shock her.

-"You… You're in love with me?" She asked with a faint smile, and for the second time in two weeks I smiled wistfully at her as I nodded.

-"At least that's what it feels like," I explained and positioned myself on the edge of my bed.

-"Alex, I can't do this right now," she said, looking at me with that apologizing look she was always so good at giving me and then she got up and out of the room quicker than I'd ever seen her leave a room before. For a moment, I debated following her, but as wise man once said, you have to fight for what you want. And I wanted Sarah in my life, no matter if it was as a friend or as a lover.

Chasing after her down the stairs to the outside, I caught a glimpse of the outside. Somehow, it had started raining since I went inside only an hour earlier, and it wasn't just a light shower. "Sarah!" I called after her as I ran down the stairs. "Come back, we can fix this!"

-"Leave me alone Alex! We can talk about this later!" She shouted back, and it seemed she meant it, because she increased her pace quite a bit. I wasn't ready to let her go like that and did the same. Once outside, she turned around, already soaking wet, but it was clear to see she'd been crying a lot on her way down here. I stood there in the rain, barely ten feet from her. My heart was breaking at the sight of my best friend more broken than I had ever seen her before, and I barely wanted to live right in that moment. "Just tell me one thing Alex. Why?" She asked, almost in a whisper.

-"I don't know Sarah, I really don't. I wish I could explain it." My reply was as sincere as I could manage, and I myself was crying hard at this point. "It just happened, but I really wish it hadn't."

-"I need to think about this," she said and turned around, starting to run away from the campus. I yelled for her to wait, but she kept running, so I followed.

We reached the large road the campus was situated close to, and without looking to the sides, Sarah ran across the empty road, but around the corner, out of nowhere, rushed a car. I yelled to Sarah for her attention and warned her, but I was too late. She saw the headlights and couldn't move in time. The driver reacted too slowly and barely hit the brake before the car's hoodie hit my best friend, the girl I loved. I just stood there, paralyzed, as I watched her tumble across the roof of the car before she hit the ground with a loud crack that was audible even through the heavy rain and the sound of the car's wheels whining against the wet asphalt as it drove off.