"I figured It Wouldn't Work"

A King of the Hill Story

By: TGHK3

One Faithful day the hill family was playing boggle on the roof, like always. This never worked out, however, because every time they decided to get together to play boggle Peggy was the only one who could focus: Bobby was always too busy snorting cocaine laid out on the roof tiles through a plastic straw and Hank was always breathing heavily into Ladybird's mouth, both activities effectively distracting the two from the game.

The last sand drop in the hourglass hit the bottom. Peggy immediately ripped her shirt off and exclaimed "Times up boys! I've got 248 words already written down! How many have you?"

Both Hank and Bobby, not paying any attention to the game, each had zero words written down. Of course, Peggy had so many written down because every time the hourglass would almost finish emptying into the bottom, Bobby would take a few seconds and flip it up onto its other side to start the time over; they had been "playing" now for over 4 hours. After the 15 minute mark Peggy had written down every possible word that could be formed with the given letters and after that she either wrote words that couldn't be made with the letters, random obscenities, or words from a language she had clamed to have made up and had been speaking for the past 3 weeks.

Bobby, high off his ass, stood up on the roof with very poor balance. He was muttering some gibberish under his breath as he stumbled along the edge of the roof until he finally fell smack onto the concrete pavement of the Hill's driveway. It was a pleasant sight, Bobby's head had been split open and parts of his brain had splattered on the pavement. The bone in his right leg had splintered through his skin and his arms were bent in a very unnatural way. Cocaine powdered on his face was spread around the majestic scene.

"Oh shit!" screamed Hank after Bobby had landed, "My truck!" and at that he immediately jumped off the roof, crippling one of his legs. He persisted to quickly move towards the red pickup truck however, and began to sob. "Did the mean boy hurt you my darling?" and he began to rub his white shirt against the stain made from the blood had had splattered onto his car. "Don't worry, baby, the mean boy will pay, I promise." He whispered to the truck, which he then proceeded to passionately lick. After he was done, Hank struggled over to bobby, who laid there dead and motionless. "You're going to pay for this you ungrateful bastard!" he shouted as he powerfully kicked Bobby's dead remains. Blood splattered everywhere.

"Calm down Hank! There's no use in kicking a dead horse!" said Peggy softly (she had come down form the roof at this point and stood next to Bobby's dead body with her hands folded at her waist.

At that moment Hank smacked Peggy right across the face, "Bitch, does this look like a horse to you?" he shouted in a furry. She fell to the ground unconscious.

Bored Hank walked over to the alley to meet up with the guys, Boomhour, Bill, and Dale. Dale and Boomhour were casually drinking scotch from their bottles, but Bill, however, was eating cigarettes again.

"How many times do I have to tell you Bill? You'll end up with yellow teeth from those cigarettes, and women don't like yellow teeth!" scolded Hank.

"But I don't have anything else to eat at my house!" complained Bill.

"Shut up, Bill." Said Dale as he pulled out a metal baseball bat and hit Bill over the head with it. "So today I was thinking we could have a competition to see who can fling a pumpkin the farthest. I saw it on TV last thanksgiving and looks pretty cool." Suggested Dale. After a series of "Uh huh's" the group agreed to compete.

After an hour or so Dale and Boomhour, who had agreed to team up at the beginning of the challenge, managed to build a large catapult from parts they removed from their disabled neighbor's new car. Said neighbor was a wheelchair-bound cancer patient who couldn't do anything about the disassemblement of his new vehicle except call the police, which didn't pose a threat because Dale had taken the liberty of disconnecting said neighbor's phone lines. They had tested how far the catapult would fling a decent sized pumpkin by testing it with another neighbor's seeing-eye dog, which had narrowly missed the layers of mattresses place at the predicted landing point and met an unfortunate fate. They took this as a positive sign that thee catapult would fling the pumpkin farther than predicted, and happily waited for the other two to arrive with their catapults.

Hank had used a number of tools and materials to build his catapult. With the absence of nails for him to use to hold the catapult together, he found the next best way to hold his catapult together was, of course, to use all of Peggy's medical bandages she had been given by their doctor three days ago to put over a bad wound Peggy had received on her knee in an incident where she tried snowboarding over a sea of nails (she got them from Hanks supply, explaining why he had none left). He saw this as a way to get her back. The medical tape however did not hold the catapult together very well and thus made moving the catapult very difficult. He took it out to the alley where Boomhour and Dale waited.

Bill's catapult was made of numerous cigarettes held together with his own dried feces. His fecal matter, or as he liked to call it, his cigarette "dipping sauce", was spread onto mounds of chewed cigarettes put together to form a base and relatively long arm for a catapult. Once spread onto the mounds the feces would dry, acting as sort of glue. When he was finished he rolled his catapult over to the alley where the other three waited. With all of them finished with their catapults, they were finally ready to begin the challenge.

30 minutes after getting knocked out Peggy began to regain consciousness. Remembering what had happened before; she looked over but found that Bobby's body was missing. She shrugged with a sigh and headed over to Dale's where she planned to meet up with Nancy, Dale's wife. When she got there Nancy was punishing her son Joseph for masturbating in front of the TV to his favorite show, Yo Gabba Gabba. Peggy walked in on Nancy beating a pants-less Joseph with a metal cooking pot. When she noticed Peggy standing at the doorway watching, she immediately threw Joseph down the basement and locked the door.

Nancy was aroused because Peggy had not put her shirt back on from earlier and, as it turns out, was not wearing a braw under it. Peggy was not aware of Nancy's confused sexuality and mistook their usual private "games" as innocent little activities. They headed over to the kitchen to where Nancy had suggested they play their favorite "game": who can stick the most amounts of plastic straws into their vagina's before tearing or bleeding occurs. After playing the game for 10 minutes Peggy had 37 straws stuffed in her lady parts and Nancy had managed 112 before tearing began to occur. They laughed and giggled and removed the straws. They put their pants back on and discussed what to make Joseph for dinner during his punishment in the basement.

Joseph was a very picky eater and only ate things if he personally saw them die. This was a psychological issue several doctors had been unable to cure. The girls decided he would have to deal with his situation and searched the fridge for things to cook for him. Dale had eaten all the food in the house the day before because he was flipping out over a theory he read online that stated the local deer population was out for blood. To protect himself, he locked himself in the basement, filling it with all of the food he could find in his and their blind neighbor's house. The onslaught of angry deer did not come however and Dale was fine, though in his thoughts of a "final meal" he ate all of the scavenged food within 3 hours. He didn't gain any weight due to the uncanny amount of weed he smoked. Needless to say, the girls found nothing and headed outside to watch the pumpkin-flinging contest that was about to start.

All three of the catapults were put in a line next to each other on the road in the alley. Dale and Boomhour declared they would go first and immediately set off the catapult with a medium sized pumpkin loaded. The pumpkin flew through the air and was about to land in the middle of a road perpendicular to their street when a car suddenly drove by causing the pumpkin to smash through the windshield of said car. The man driving violently swerved straight into a tree and flew through the broken windshield onto the ground. Ignoring the "minor" accident, the guys continued with their contest.

Bills car seemed to emit s strong, repulsive, foul smell from witch it's origins were unknown. One who knew how the catapult of cigarettes was put together would think that the smell was coming from the dried feces, but the odor in fact came from Bill himself, who had, during Dale and Boomhour's launching, shit himself in excitement. He loaded his pumpkin onto the catapult and shot the pumpkin high into the air. It shot so fast and so powerfully that it shot the pumpkin out of sight, clearly father than any of the other catapults could launch something. Bill's face lit up at the sight of it.

"Yay! Did you guys see that? I won! I have to have won!" Bill cheered as he jumped up and down in excitement.

"Shut up, Bill!" Dale quickly retorted as he took out the same metal baseball bat from before and hit Bill over the head.

Hank was the last one to go but was already uncertain that his catapult would not stand a chance in the competition against Bill's. He also didn't have a pumpkin, and thus took Bobby's body as a substitute. He had argued before that the weight of the body was an unfair comparison to the pumpkins but the others insisted he try it anyways. He propped the body onto the catapult, which creaked and squeaked as the body was laid on; it obviously would hold for long. Hank immediately cut the string "restraining" the catapult but this caused the catapult to ultimately collapse under the weight of the body. Pieces of jagged wood splintered through Bobby's remains.

"It's not fair", Hank cried, "It's just not fair!" and with that he ran towards his house crying while the others ran after him to comfort him in his defeat. "I figured it wouldn't work" said dale. "Everyone saw it coming, it's okay." said Peggy. All had abandoned the place with the catapults still in the middle of the road with Bobby's mangled remains. All except Nancy.

Nancy still had to find something to feed to Joseph, and she held back after everyone was gone from sight to take advantage of this golden opportunity. There laid Bobby's dead body, unharmed, except for the crippled wounds and wood piercings. She picked up the bloody mass, and headed for her back yard. From there she started up the grill and began to cut meat off the diseased child's bones, throwing them onto the grill. She cooked the meat for about 15 minutes, and then she declared, in a very loud voice, that she was finished. She put the grilled meat onto a large platter (there was a LOT of meat) and made her way to the basement door. She knocked on it thrice and called to Joseph for "dinner". She opened the door to a slight creek and placed the platter at the foot of the starts. She watched her daily viewing of children's educational programming and went to sleep.

The next morning Nancy woke up early and let a calm and happier-than-normal Joseph out of the basement. He had clearly just woken up too and was rubbing the bruises on his back from his earlier punishment. "Hey mom, what was that stuff you made last night? It tastes great!" Joseph asked with a large grin and a fire burning in his eyes.

"Oh you liked it? It's a uhh…very rare dish to come by and so I don't think we can eat it for a long while…"Nancy replied with a slight, low tremble to her voice.

Being a very picky eater, Joseph replied "Well, I don't want to eat anything else anymore, so you better find a good supply of it before I pee on the carpet again!"

"Oh, alright Joseph…if that's how it's going to be…"Nancy answer, partly to herself in a low voice.

And from that day forward each day a child from the neighborhood, and eventually from all of Arlen, was was reported missing until there were no children left.

THE END