'Why did he have to go and do that?' she asked herself. 'Oh, come on Emma…you know full well why he did it. He's a smart and observant boy and you sent every message you could telling him to do just what he did.'
She forgot sometimes. She forgot she wasn't all that much older than the boys. She wasn't their mama and as much as she might try to be a big sister, she wasn't any kin to any of them. Most of the boys she could keep her thoughts where they should be. But not Jimmy.
As much as she loathed admitting it, Longley had been right on the money when he said she'd always had a soft spot for the wild ones. In fact, that was exactly what drew her to Sam. She knew his past and as much as she frowned at him sometimes, his barely tamed nature was still something that made her insides flip.
Jimmy was a handsome young man and if that was all there was to it, she wouldn't find herself so conflicted. They were all handsome young men. But Jimmy had that element of danger, of the unexpected. It was a passion that was often stilled some in a man who'd lived a few more years. In many ways she hoped he would have the chance to find that passion tempered but she would always hold him in her heart the way he was.
It all started around the fire. If that was true then it really all started when she'd fallen into the river and he'd jumped in to save her. More courage and honor than brains perhaps but it did something to her heart when he'd done it all the same. A man willing to risk death for her safety…that was a powerful thing.
Emma should have known that there was trouble brewing by the way Jimmy looked at her as they tried to get dry by the fire. He was blushing and embarrassed but intrigued as well. She had seen it and it had done something to her. Something she knew was wrong. She should have set the boundaries right there. She knew how he was looking at her. It wasn't the first time a young man had given her that look. She did nothing to discourage him. Not then anyway.
It had been a while since she'd gotten a look quite like that. Sure, Sam loved her. He did even though he wasn't always the kind of man to say it. He looked at her longingly but it was different. The look Jimmy gave her was so vulnerable and unsure and yet held such passion that she thought her heart might stop.
She tried to tell herself he was just a boy and that it was harmless. That was a lie. Matters of the heart are the least harmless for one as young and inexperienced as Jimmy. It was her own ego she was thinking of. How nice it felt to have this handsome and exciting man look at her as he did.
The more time she spent with him at the fort, the more she saw him as a man. He was young but to call him a boy was an insult. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing at the station. He scrapped with Cody and Kid like a child and pouted and whined as well. But at the fort, she saw what the rest of the world saw when he was on his own. She didn't like that he'd had to become a man so soon but he was impressive all the same.
She felt safe with her boys but perhaps now she would feel extra safe with Jimmy around. For all of her maternal feelings that got misplaced on her boys, Jimmy behaved more like a mother bear than she thought she ever had. His guard was up the moment they entered the fort and now she saw how sound his instincts had been.
He had frightened her their first night here when she thought he might beat that poor young soldier to death. She had been frightened and still worried for what might have happened had Jimmy not been so alert. But he had and no harm had come to her. The way Jimmy took after that young man though…it was scary to see him that out of control and violent. It was also exciting.
He'd held her then. He'd held her tight. Her face pressed to his neck and she could feel his pulse still rapid from the fight and his worry for her. She could smell him. She could smell his fear for her along with the smell of leather and gunpowder. She wanted to cling to him forever in that moment. It was wrong but she had been scared and he was so safe. His arms were so strong and she knew she'd never fall if she was in them and no one could hurt her there.
The next morning he had been sheepish, shy. He looked younger than she had seen him look maybe ever. But she knew what was brewing underneath. No man ever feels so young or vulnerable as when he falls in love for the first time. She let him though. She let him be her hero and she let him in. Just that little bit more, she let him in.
If things had ended there, maybe it would have been alright. They'd go home and he'd have a little bit of a crush on her. Things would be more tender between them but she would have Sam and Jimmy's head would be turned by another soon enough.
But then he'd let that Indian go. She was proud of him. Seeing him stand up for something he believed in, seeing him buck against an injustice…it was all she could hope for from any of the young men in her care. It was the kind of man she wanted them all to be—the kind of men they all had the potential to be.
She'd never seen Jimmy as just the hothead that others did. Maybe it was how many like him she'd known. Maybe not. It didn't matter. She knew what lurked beneath the surface and if she was hard on him, it was to steer him clear of the pitfalls of trying too hard to harden his outsides in protection of the soft heart that was within. Her words of caution hadn't worked. She knew better than to try to reach him like she did Ike or even Kid. Or Cody for that matter. He was so much the same as Jimmy…he just showed it a little differently. Maybe he did it better and safer. Maybe she even wished Jimmy could be more like Cody and protect himself with humor and a smile.
She knew Cody didn't shrug off most of what it looked like he did. It would hurt him someday but it wouldn't create the kind of danger that Jimmy's way of dealing with hurt would.
When he let that poor prisoner go, it set in motion a chain of events she couldn't have predicted. Maybe if she hadn't kissed him for luck. Maybe if she hadn't smiled like she did when she'd done it. Maybe if she hadn't been so open in talking about Evan. Maybe if she hadn't let him touch her face to warm her. Maybe a lot of things and none of them mattered anymore.
What mattered was that talking had led to him kissing her. And she had kissed him back. She let herself get lost in the moment, lost in the desire, in the passion. It was natural under such a situation to seek comfort from another and perhaps another man, a different man, an older man or at least a man she wasn't responsible for…perhaps then she wouldn't feel such guilt.
His hands were hot on her face and his lips tender and yet insistent. She wanted him. She wanted him in ways that would make him blush—ways that should make her blush. Thankfully she remembered herself and stopped him…stopped both of them. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair to him. Her heart belonged to Sam. It did.
Sam was a good man. Sam had broken down every barrier she set to falling in love again. She had been terrified but he was patient and diligent. He was tender with her heart, with her fears. There was a depth in Sam Cain that few would see and even she hadn't always seen it. She did now and it was that depth that she clung to.
To let Jimmy think there was more between them than there was…it would be cruel. She'd been cruel enough, careless enough with his young heart. It was time to put a stop to it.
He pleaded with her. Said she felt it too. He was right. She had. He had to have felt her return his advances at first. Inexperienced as he was, he'd know that she hadn't fought it at first. But she told him the truth, feeling something don't make it right. She felt things for him but they weren't right. She loved him, that was true but she wasn't in love with him.
She loved his spirit, his honor, his sense of protectiveness. He was a good man. He would become an even better one. She would always have affection for him but her desire for him was fleeting, she knew.
But then he had been the one to break her heart. He'd been resting after the doc had pulled the bullet from his side. She'd held his hand and he admitted feeling a fool for kissing her. She never wanted him to feel badly. Never. Then he said it. The words that might haunt her forever.
"Why am I old enough to get killed but not old enough for you?"
It was a good question. A fair question. She didn't have an answer. It wasn't his age. She wasn't all that much older and she'd seen far greater age differences…especially in this harsh land where there were so few women. She just was in love with someone else. Someone who had already learned the lessons that she knew Jimmy had yet to tackle.
Perhaps when this was over, he would understand. Perhaps she would as well.
Not a lot to add about this story. I am still plugging away on my other stories...riots in Detroit...Jimmy beating head against oak...feverish Noah...but sometimes a little one shot refreshes the old creative juices.-J
Uninvited – Alanis Morissette
Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate