I can't believe I just said that to Ellie. Here she is, a 14 year old girl who has probably lost more than I have, and I just basically told her that I don't care about her. What was I thinking? That clearly isn't the truth, since I would have ditched her after Tess died if I didn't care. The truth was that I didn't trust myself enough to guide her to the Fireflies, even though I seem like I'm a complete badass I really am not.
When Tommy comes running up the stairs telling us that we aren't alone in the house, I am thankful for the interruption. I know we will easily dispatch the intruders, but I'm hoping it'll give me enough time to think about how to deal with Ellie after what I said.
Tommy and I quickly stealth kill all of the intruders, with not much help from Ellie. I didn't really expect her to help, because I know she's hurting from what told her. As we mount our horses I feel another pang of guilt as she denies Tommy's attempt to help her up onto her horse, even though she struggles to get up onto the large horse.
"Tommy, go on ahead. I need to talk to Ellie." My little brother nods understandingly and ushers his horse to continue on up the path. "Ellie, come with me" I say as I grab onto the reigns of her horse so she has no choice but to follow me.
As soon as we get into a more secluded part of the ranch, Ellie opens her mouth. "Joel, please don't leave me..." she whimpers while looking at me with her tear filled green eyes. I squeeze my own eyes shut for a moment to compose myself. When I open them again, I see her looking down and fiddling her thumbs. The tears have now escaped her eyes and are rolling down her cheeks.
I clear my throat and quietly ask "Ellie, what happened to your parents?" She seems taken aback by the forwardness of my inquiry. "I never knew my dad. My mom never told me anything about him. I was raised by her and Marlene, then once she died Marlene raised me. I can't really remember how she died, I was too young." My heart shuddered for this poor girl.
Yes, I had lost my daughter and my wife, but I was thankful for the time I had with them. Yet here was this girl, who barely knew anything about her parents, yet she was so strong. "How do you cope with everything, Ellie? How do you handle knowing that you are the answer to all the sickness?''
"If you want to know the truth Joel, it's that I don't. I'm 14 for fuck's sake! I had to grow up so fast and never got to enjoy anything. My whole life has been about fighting for survival! You don't even understand." Her bottom lip quivered as she said that. I knew she was about to cry, and decided that it was now or never that I should apologize.
"Ellie, what I said about you not being my daughter back there, I didn't mean it. I know I'm a bit rough, but I care for you. My whole life is about protecting you, and it's not just because Marlene told me to, it's because I want to. You're special, Ellie. Ever since I lost my wife and then Sarah the only woman that I've let into my life is Tess, and now she's gone. Tommy is here now, but he could never leave his town and I could never join it. I'm an adventurer, I love the thrill of it. Ellie, you're all I have left, and I don't want to be the one to leave you." Once I finish my speech I search her eyes to see if I can find out what she's feeling. I'm not surprised to see that she's tearing up even more now. However, it does surprise me when she bursts into tears. Shocked, I jumped off of my horse and ran over to hers. I pulled her off the horse and gently held her in my arms and rocked her back and forth.
"I'm not leaving you Ellie," I whispered to her, "not now, not ever. I love you like a daughter, and hope that you see me as a father."