All He Didn't Have A Chance To Say…
Author's Note: So this is a teensy lil' one-shot set post-Prom Queen and totally ignores any teaser/spoilers I may or may not have heard about what's coming for the rest of the season. This is merely angsty fun, not speculation, but I do hope you like it. No matter what you think though, a review would be delightful.
(Also, yes, I am aware this will be one of likely 4,000 stories with this sort of premise, but I couldn't NOT write it, and as I expect that I'll read the other 3,999 myself, I hope at least one person won't mind mine being added to the pile.)
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or its characters.
He knew getting kicked out of prom was not his finest moment, but really the entire ordeal had passed in a relative haze.
He'd just been so jealous-hurt-jealous-confused-jealous-angry-jealous when he'd approached them, and started pushing him, that even as he was pulled away, Coach Sylvester's shouts, Quinn's cries, Jesse's continued under-his-breath taunts, the gasps and whispers of a gym full of witnesses, all blurred behind the pounding of his own heart and the heavy rasp of his breath, until everything just looked and sounded like chaos.
By the time he finally made it outside, into the clear night and the dark parking lot, his heart had slowed, his lungs had relaxed, but the sudden quiet was almost deafening, and his mind was still so murky, clouded, with the sheer exhaustion of the moment.
The only thing that really registered at all as he walked across the pavement was the lingering sight of her smile, her laughter, with someone else's arms around her, someone else's lips against her neck.
The only thing he could really see was something he'd wished he'd never saw.
Thankfully (sort of) Sue had watched over the exiled pair until they were both inside their cars, or Finn, exhausted or not, might have gone in for another swing. Once Jesse peeled away, Finn started his own truck and pulled out a moment later, without any clear idea as to where he was headed.
When he realized 11 minutes later that he'd driven to Rachel's, it somehow didn't surprise him at all (nor would it, he imagined, have surprised anyone really), despite it not having been a conscious decision on his part.
As his brain slowly, so slowly, cleared out enough and caught up to his life, he knew that there was going to be quite a bit of fallout from this.
Certainly Sue would try to turn it into a bigger deal on Monday, likely getting Figgins and Mr. Schue involved, threatening the glee club in some way. His mom would be, at the very least, severely disappointed in him. And Burt would be, too.
Naturally, Quinn was going to be furious. Or worse.
But for reasons he didn't have the energy to name, his number one priority, out of the numerous messes he was going to have to clean up, was talking to Rachel, and making sure that any of the damage he'd done between them tonight wouldn't be permanent.
The lights were all off inside the home, and after a quick glance at the display on his dashboard he suspected her fathers were probably already asleep. He pulled himself from the truck with little speed and less enthusiasm, and made his way to the steps.
Then he sat, there on the Berry front porch, shoulders slumped, eyes downcast, and waited.
He was actually surprised at how quickly the time passed, while he stared somewhat bitterly at his hands, until a flash of light and the squealing of old breaks caused him to lift his head just in time to see Sam's beat-up car pull up to the curb behind his truck.
Finn sat up a little straighter, his pulse instantly quickening, but he didn't stand as Sam got out and walked around to open Rachel's door, helping her out with his hand.
Finn saw her notice him, eyes flashing his way as soon as she stood and straightened, but rather than acknowledge him immediately she smiled up at Sam, sweetly and sincerely it seemed, laughing a little at something the blonde boy said, before lifting her head to kiss his cheek. Sam looked over his shoulder at Finn before whispering something to Rachel, and while Finn could see, even at this distance, that her gaze was clouded when she looked his way again, when she returned her eyes to Sam's she shook her head a little before pulling out another tiny smile. Sam took her hand for just a second before walking back around to the driver's side. And while she started slowly up the walk way without making any eye contact, Finn knew the look the other boy shot at him over the roof of his car was meant to be a warning.
She stopped, still not quite yet in front of him, and sighed heavily as she heard the sound of Sam's car fade away. She looked up, and then around, but not at him, and her voice was almost unfamiliar, and so tired, when she spoke.
"You shouldn't have come here, Finn."
He gulped. Because he didn't know much, but he thought he at least knew that wasn't true. "Rach, I know you're mad, and you have every rig-"
He still wasn't standing but his voice was climbing, desperately, before she cut him off, with words still uncharacteristically quiet, but not without bite.
"Quinn got home alright, in case you were wondering. We just dropped her off. I guess it is a good thing Sam decided to take me home last."
He winced at the mention of Quinn's name, and the implication of what it would mean if she knew where he was right at this moment, and the instant flash of guilt was intense, a powerful churning his stomach.
But he didn't comment.
Rachel shook her head, sadly, and he knew that as disappointed as she was in the way he had treated her, and had treated Jesse, she was just as disappointed in the way he'd treated Quinn. Despite the differences between the two girls, and despite their even more divisive similarities, he knew Rachel still thought Quinn didn't deserve to be treated this way. And she wasn't wrong.
And he'd be sure to apologize in the morning, for a number of things, but there were still reasons why he was here tonight instead, why Rachel came first.
So he needed to speak, to direct the conversation towards where he ultimately wanted, needed, it to go, and was quickly searching for the words he thought might keep her from brushing him off again, but before he could find them she heaved another sigh, even louder this time, and finally locked her gaze on his.
"Look, Finn, it's late. And the night has been, if nothing else, eventful. Go home. Maybe even talk to your brother if he's still up, as he has a lot to share about his evening, then get some sleep. Please."
"I can't."
She quirked an eyebrow at him and her overall expression was so vacant of any warmth or affection. She was still beautiful of course, but he hated the look on her face.
"Rachel, I need you to understand why I did… what I did. I know you won't ever approve, and I know you won't ever like it, but I need you to understand it, understand why I just couldn't take the sight of you with him."
"Why does that matter?"
The question surprised him, as did the way she practically spit the words out, as if the whispered phrase left a bad taste in her mouth. "Why do you need me to understand, Finn?"
"So you can forgive me."
She laughed, still quiet and with no amusement, and looked at him in disbelief, but he plowed on, finally standing and taking the few steps necessary to put her within his reach, his desperation increasing.
"Jesse doesn't deserve you, Rachel."
She made a scoffing noise, but he talked over it, around it, needing her to hear him.
"Not just because of what he did to you last year, how he lied to you, hurt you. But because he doesn't get you. Because even if things were real between you and him, they wouldn't be right, because he doesn't see you. Not like you should be seen."
"What are you talking about? Of course he gets me, sees me. Jesse's the only person, aside from maybe Kurt, who understands my ambition, who wants to be a star just as badly."
"Yeah, he gets the obvious parts of Rachel Berry, the drive and talent, the dreams, because he can relate. But he doesn't get the rest of you, all the other parts that are softer, quieter. That are nothing like him. Your vulnerability and insecurities. Your compassion, your loyalty. How, like, devoted you are, to the people you love. You'd never sell them out for a trophy. No matter what you say, there are things you wouldn't do for the spotlight." He swallows hard, feeling the weight of everything he's telling her in his throat, and in his heart. He steps even closer as he continues, the words spilling out of him with total conviction. "He only sees your star in relation to his, Rachel. He doesn't see everything you already are, and everything you will be, all on your own. He-"
"Stop." He hesitates at her voice, at the hand she'd lifted to fill the tiniest of spaces he'd left between them. Her command isn't loud, but it's so pained, and it startles him into silence. "Just, stop. You don't get to do this. Even if you really believe all this, even if this is all true, you do not get to object to Jesse. It is not your job, it is not your right, to say who I can be with, who I deserve or who deserves me. You let me go and you can't start picking fights now that I'm trying to move on. No matter what your reasoning."
"I know we aren't together, but I still car-"
"No, Finn, stop. Listen. Hear me. If you do care, at all, I need you to understand what I'm saying." She took a deep breath and brushed her hands under each eye, catching the tears that were starting to fall before they could roll down her cheeks. "I waited for months, Finn, as patiently as I could, for you to be ready to forgive me. I gave you space when you asked, and my friendship, too. And I watched, without judgment, when you forgave her, for the same crime I committed and then some. I waited without ever giving a single thought to any one else, to any other boy, because you were the only one I wanted. But now I'm finished waiting, Finn, because I finally understand and accept that you want her. I held on so long, even after you two reunited, because I had convinced myself that there was still something there between us; that you were at least conflicted, that your heart was still divided. But that's not it at all. You want her. And you don't want me. You just need me to want you. Because while she's so pretty and so popular, and everything is fireworks when you kiss her, sometimes she still makes you feel like absolute crap. And when she does you need someone on the sidelines, ready to tell you how wonderful you are until you feel all better again. But I'm tired, Finn, and really, at this moment, I'm not so sure how wonderful I even think you are. I am done being miserable for the sake of your ego. I don't know what is happening between Jesse and me now, or what will happen between us in the future, but no matter what… It is none. Of your. Business. And no explanation you can offer will make what you did tonight okay."
Her voice had barely risen, but it had been so firm. Every word was encased in hurt, and Finn couldn't breathe for a moment from the total disaster that it all made of his heart.
She stared at him fully, letting a new tear fall, before shifting her weight like she was going to step away, and the panic that exploded in his chest was so overpowering, so soul-crushingly real, that he grabbed her arms, albeit as gently as he could, to stop her, hold her there.
"You're right, it wasn't okay, and I know that. I do, Rachel. But I did it because I love you."
He paused, just a second to see if she would react.
All he got was a new tear escaping down her cheek.
"You understand that, don't you? That sometimes, when you really love someone, you do not-okay things? Things you aren't proud of?"
"I…I…" she stuttered on a half-breath, blinking at him, then gave up on speaking with a gulp.
"I know that things have been a mess. An awful, painful mess between us. And I know I let it get that way, and then, with Quinn, I just made it so much worse. But I was so stupid, Rachel. And I was scared and weak. And I knew it was wrong, all along, but I thought I could get away with it, for just a little while, because you'd still be brave and strong for us, until I could just get over everything."
"Finn, I-" she tried again, but her body was shaking and he was terrified that she couldn't say the words, and even more terrified because he was so unsure of what words they would be when she could get them out.
"I'm not here, saying all this, to try and make what I did tonight okay. I know it's not. But I need us to be okay, or to at least to know that we still can be, someday. Because I do want you, I love you. And I know I've waited too long, but please, Rachel, please don't tell me that I'm too late."
Her tears were countless now, pooling beneath her lashes and dampening her cheeks, and glistening in the light from street lamp and she was just so damn beautiful.
He wanted to kiss her, to use his lips to make his case, but he couldn't, not when he wasn't sure what she was thinking, not with another girl maybe crying for him across town.
He settled for a hug, pulling her tightly into his chest, tucking his head so that he could whisper in her ear. "Please, Rachel. Please."
He reveled in the feel of her, because he'd missed her so much, and was so afraid that at any moment she might break away, break him.
When he did finally hear her voice, muffled against his shoulder, the words she murmured were not absolution, but were enough to send the tingle of relief through to every inch of his body.
"You're not."
He pulled back to look at her, eyes meeting hers and trying to read them furiously.
"You're not too late. And we will be. Okay, I mean." She tried for a smile. "Someday."
He nodded, and after a moment of just staring at her gratefully, allowed her to step even further back from him.
There was a little awkwardness now, with everything that was said still hanging down upon them, full of promise, all while they both knew there was still so much left to say, to do.
But at least Finn could leave now knowing he'd still get the chance to say it all, to do it.
"It is late, I should…"
He nodded yet again at her, and stepped a little to the side for her to finally make her way towards the front door.
He watched as she slipped the key in the lock, but called her name just as she was about to twist it. When she turned to face him again, he was so glad to see a little of that familiar warmth in her eyes, even with the question in her glance.
He took a breath before speaking again, and his voice shook with the sincerity.
"I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to say this earlier, but... you really looked gorgeous tonight."
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