AN: This is something that's been in my head since Thursday and I just decided to write it down. I'm sorry about the grammar mistakes but I did not use a beta reader for this one.
Dear Arizona,
I know you're still mad at me because of what happened, I understand that you're still processing it, that my decision is still sinking in but I want you to know that what I did was the best for us. I don't want you to think that I'm not sad because I am. I'm hurting too. I don't want you to think that I don't love you anymore because I do love you and I always will because you are the love of my life and I think - no - I know, that I will never be able to love someone the way I love you. I see that you're still avoiding me and I understand that too, you need space. But I just want you to know that my heart hurts everytime I see you changing your way so you won't have to pass through me, the way you pretend I don't exist when you have no scape and I don't know for how long I can take it, Arizona. When I told you that I was smiling more, how happy I felt during that time I wasn't lying, I really hadn't felt like that in God knows how long. But now I realize why I was that happy when we were on the break. I was feeling free, doing all the things I wanted, I was happy because I knew that no matter what I did when I went home you'd be there. It doesn't matter what I did I would have you and Sofia to go home to. I wasn't lying when I said I was done trying to fix us and that I would start to love myself more, that was all true. I'm done fixing us because by doing that I forgot who I was, I forgot to take care of myself and all I wanted to do was to take care of you and our marriage and that was a mistake. Forgeting about myself was a mistake because if I forget about my own happiness and to love myself, how can I love you the way you deserve to be loved? So yes, I made the decision and I'm not going back on that. Not for now. I want you to invest in your career, to feel fullfiled about it. I want you to take care of our daughter and to love yourself too because now I can say that that feels good. I'm happy to be loving myself again and I'm sure you will too. I don't really know how to explain this to you without making it sound weird but I'm happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy with the things I've been acomplishing but I'm not a hundred percent happy. There's still something missing and I know that you are the missing piece. I can be happy, yes. But not fully happy if I don't have you. So, once you're done avoinding me I want us to sit and talk. As friends and co-parents, not as wives... or ex wives, I don't know. I want us to be friends, Arizona, so we can learn more about each other. And one day, if we decide to try again we won't screw up. If we get together again we know that we won't be the same... ever. But I think that's a good thing because... I can't believe I'm going to use this metaphor but I'm an ortho surgeon and I can't think of a better one than a broken bone. Sometimes when we want it to heal properly we have to break it again. It grows even stronger. I think that everything we've been trough was our "bone" breaking and it didn't heal properly... but right now that it was broken again we have the chance to do so and be stronger and if one day you realize that this is not what you want I'll be okay with it, it will hurt but I'll be okay. As long as we stay friends because I can't imagine my life without you anymore. You're my anchor too... but not as in the thing that keeps me from moving. You're my anchor as in the thing that keeps me sane despite everything. I love you. And don't you ever forget that. You'll always be the mother of my daughter and I couldn't have chosen a better person to raise my child with. I really hope you read this letter untill the end because I mean every word I wrote here. Right now isn't the right time for us and we both know that. But I know we have bright things in order for us in the future.
With love,
Calliope.