Here I Am

By: Emmithar

Rating: M

Summary: Greg takes what he feels like is the only option left after the unthinkable happens, leaving the rest of the team to deal with his ultimate decision. Character death

Warnings: Mentioning of Rape, reason why it's rated M.

A/N: -Gasps- yes, I did…-sniff- I actually did…once again, blame the plot bunny for this one. Heavy angst, even more so than 'I'll Try' I plan on having this two chapters long, the second chapter more of a follow up, not sure yet, so I can use the feedback to see where you guys want this story geared to.

Disclaimer: As always, there are not mine, oh how I wish they were though

Chapter One: Remembrance

He held it now, in his hands, unopened. Swallowing he turned it over, reaching for fold of the manila envelope, his fingers coming to a rest at the top. His hands were shaking as he let out a breath, turning it back over and setting it down on the table. He watched it for a moment, as if expecting it to jump at him, or something of a similar matter, before scooting it away further, turning back to his other work.

Greg was only grateful there was other work to do, though his mind still distracted, as his eyes kept shifting back to the package. His hands weren't shaking as bad anymore, since he had put it down. Still, it was too close for comfort, and so he slid his chair, bringing his current work with him.

He became consumed in his work once he was able to get going. For a while it was as if it never had happened; for a moment he could pretend. Giving a short nod when Nick dropped off samples, Greg kept himself busy, but as time passed on, it became harder. Everything was nearly done when Sara showed up, asking about her samples.

Greg shook his head, glancing at the package from the corner of his eye. "I haven't…gotten to it yet," he said slowly, as if finding the words were difficult. In some sense they were.

"I gave it to you this morning," Sara reminded him, somewhat surprised that it was still sitting fully encased on the table.

"I know," Greg responded, "I've been busy, that's all."

"You're doing Nick's case?" Sara asked, incredulous, "Greg, my case takes precedence over his. A twelve year old girl was raped and murdered. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

Greg swallowed, nodding, but unable to say anything at first. "I've been busy…I forgot about it, I'm sorry," he apologized, looking up to her for a moment, before looking back down.

She frowned, shaking her head softly. "Get to work on it," she told him softly, "page me when you find out anything."

Greg nodded, reaching over for the envelope, watching her leave. He had purposely waited until she was gone before retrieving it. His hands were shaking again as he fumbled with the opening, part of him not wanting to open it. He could only think, only wonder…

What were her thoughts? What was she thinking, in those last moments of life? Would she had rather lived after what had happened to her, or did dieing bring her comfort? Greg closed his eyes as he pulled the kit free, holding it tentatively in his hands, as if he was afraid he would break it. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Greg nodded; yes…it meant a lot.

Drawing in a deep breath, Greg laid it flat on the table as he began to work, trying his hardest not to think at all.

Sara leaned over the table, scanning from one item to the other, moving carefully. She picked up what looked like an old tire rim, running a swab over it, checking for blood before putting it back down with a sigh.

"I don't think we're going to get anything off of here," she said, turning to Catherine who was working next to her.

Catherine nodded, "That's nice, now keep looking. Make sure you tag that, we don't want to spend our time looking over stuff that's already been checked."

Sara frowned, waiting a moment before snatching up a tag. They had been at this for hours now, digging through contents found in a dumpster. It was something she had done several times before, something she did not enjoy. Trash, first off, did not smell at all pleasant. Then the smell often lingered with you afterwards.

Digging through the pile some more, she tested several more items before breaking the silence again. "Hey Cath, have you talked to Greg today?"

"A few hours ago, why?"

Sara shrugged, tagging several more items. "I don't, he just seems…different, I guess."

"He's quiet," Catherine offered, picking up several old magazines from the pile.

"Yeah, but that's not all…I can't explain it, it's just…he's not himself today."

"He's just having an off day," Catherine said lightly, "My guess, hangover."

Sara laughed, turning to her, "Can you picture Greg drunk? In the least bit I mean?"

Catherine laughed lightly as well. "I don't know, but it's possible. Greg's been a little stressed lately. A few drinks eases the mind sometimes, but leaves nasty side effects in the morning."

Sara nodded, turning back to her work. "Tell me about it. Not that I have any experience mind you."

Catherine laughed, "Yeah, I've heard that excuse before."

"What about you?" Sara wondered, surprised to see her nod.

"I've had my fair share of hangovers, not for a while now though. I've given up drinking for the most part since I had Lindsey, want to set a good example, you know."

Sara nodded in understanding. She didn't have anyone looking up to her, so she didn't have to worry about her appearance. Not that having a family never crossed her mind; she just didn't have time for it.

Still, despite what Catherine had said, she still wondered about Greg. The look she had seen in his eyes, even for the brief moment he had actually looked at her, said that there was something more going on than a hangover. But she dropped it for now, knowing that Catherine would say no more about it.

When she picked up her samples again an hour later, she watched him more closely, studying him even. He was indeed quiet, handing over the results without as much as a word. She glanced through the papers, looking back up at him.

"Are you okay?" she asked of him.

He nodded curtly, not saying anything as he turned away from her. He was purposely avoiding her gaze. Sitting down next to him, she placed the papers on the table. "Greg, talk to me, what's wrong?"

Greg shook his head, his back still turned towards her. "It doesn't matter," he whispered quietly, his voice unsteady.

She frowned, her eyes narrowing as she moved over to the other side of him. He glanced up briefly once again, but looked away soon after, leaning his head against his hand.

"If it doesn't matter, then you won't mind telling me," she encouraged him.

Greg shook his head again, his voice even lower. "I can't," was all he said.

"Why not?" she wondered, watching him still.

"Because," his answers were starting to sound all the same.

"Because why Greg?"

"Because…I…I'm not strong enough," he whispered, his voice broken as he pressed a hand against his face.

Sara was taken aback, her mouth hanging open slightly as she watched him, his shoulders shaking as he bent over some. She couldn't believe it, Greg was crying. Not just crying, he was bawling, silent sobs that shook his entire body. Greg Sanders was crying. This wasn't the Greg she knew, not in the least bit. She had assumed that he was upset, assumed that something small had happened, one of those things that bothered you for a long time after, but this, this was completely unexpected. Her hands folded slightly, unsure of what to do, unknowing if contact would cause more harm than good.

He wiped his face down quickly, able to compose himself somewhat. His breaths were ragged, his voice still drawn and quiet, it was hard to hear him.

"I was so stupid," he told her; he was trembling softly.

"Greg, you're not stupid," she started, but was surprised when he cut her off.

"I normally don't go alone," he explained, "I needed some time to think, some time to relax. So I went anyway, even though I had no one to go with. Some guys started talking next to me, we were all talking pretty soon…" he drew in a ragged breath, burying his head in his hand again. The other he used to wrap himself in a meager embrace.

"They must have slipped something in my drink," he told her after a moment, his bottom lip quivering. "They had to…the next thing I know…it was dark…and they were over me…all over me. I told them to stop,' his voice grew quieter; Sara had to strain in order to hear him. "I begged them to stop…they only laughed," he hid his face once more as he began to cry again.

Sara became alarmed, scooting closer to him as she lowered her voice. "Greg…you were…raped?" she said slowly, watching him.

He closed his eyes, another sob working its way from him. "I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe," he rambled, opening his eyes slowly. "Only the pain…I've never felt so afraid before."

"Did you report it?" Sara asked after a prolonged silence.

Greg immediately shook his head, "No," he said firmly, turning to her. His face was red, his cheeks flushed and eyes still filled with tears. "You can't say anything," he pleaded.

"Greg, you're just going to let them walk away, after what they did to you?" Sara demanded, her voice louder than meant.

Greg shook his head, "Don't say anything, please, no one can know."

"They belong behind bars, not out wandering the streets."

Still Greg was shaking his head. "No, I can't…won't…what would everyone think? What would they say? Seeing me like…this…" he mumbled softly, turning away.

"Greg, they are still out there, what if they rape someone else?" Sara asked, hoping it would change his mind. "What if it was me? Or what if it was Lindsey, that they took next? How would you feel then? Greg, you can put a stop to them, you have that power. You could fill out a written statement. I'll run the case, only Grissom and I would know, I swear."

Greg cried softly, leaning on the table as he ran his hands through his hair. "I can't…" he said slowly.

Sara laid a hand on his shoulder, pulling back when she felt him tense up under her light touch. "You have to try Greg…don't let this happen to someone else…did you go to the hospital at all?" she wondered, only to realize how stupid it sounded. If he hadn't told anyone, why then would he have gone to the hospital?

Greg shook his head wearily. "No…" he whispered, turning towards her. "I'll…I'll fill one out…" he managed to choke out.

Sara nodded, "I'll go get you one…" she told him gently. "Then I'll take you home," she added.

He only nodded, wiping his face as she left the room. She was dumbfounded, still unable to comprehend what he had just told her. In her mind, there was no way possible. Checking the hallways to make sure no one was paying attention; she slipped inside Grissom's office, pulling free a file before returning. Greg was waiting for her, more composed even though it was quite clear he had been crying.

Sara left a page with Grissom to let him know she was taking Greg home due to illness, a last second excuse as they slipped outside to the parking lot. The ride to his apartment was quiet, neither Greg nor Sara said a word, not even as she led him the stairs, helping him inside.

Sara closed the door, stepping around the small sheltie that was obviously excited to see both of them at this time of day. Greg collapsed on the couch, calling the young dog over to his side so Sara could come all the way in.

Sara dropped the forms on the counter top, turning towards him. "You want me to get you something?" she asked him quietly, walking over the couch.

He shook his head dully as she sat down next to him. "No…" he breathed lightly, "I'm…I'm okay."

She watched him, desperate to give comfort somehow, but unsure of what to say or even do. "You want me to stay?" She moved her arms as the sheltie jumped in her lap.

"Jenni," Greg sat up some, pulling the dog's collar lightly, "down girl, leave her alone."

Sara laughed softly, "It's okay, I don't mind," she told him, scratching behind Jenni's ears as the dog continued to whine, settling down on her lap.

"You want me to stay?" she asked after a moment.

"No, you go on ahead. I'll probably sleep it off…"

She nodded slowly, "I can stay, I don't mind."

"Go on…" Greg told her quietly, able to manage a small smile. "You've done enough already, really…"

"Fill the forms out," she told him, standing after a minute, waiting until Jenni had jumped down. "The least we can do is put these creeps where they belong. I'll be back later on."

He nodded, not saying anything, or even showing her out the door. Sara closed it behind her reluctantly, before headed down the stairs back into her car.

The first thing she did when she got back was track Grissom down; he wasn't that hard to find, being in his office. She shut the door on the way in, sitting down in the chair. "We need to talk," she said quickly.

Grissom glanced at her over his glasses. "Of course you can come in; I'm not doing anything important."

She didn't respond to his comment, only leaning forward. "I took Greg home," she started, "I assume you got my page?"

He nodded, "How bad is he?"

"I gave him one of these," she told him quietly, pushing the single form towards him. He picked it up, frowning as he glanced over it.

"Sara, these forms are for…"

She nodded, cutting him off. "I know."

Shifting his chair, Grissom sat up. "You can't be serious," he stated quietly, watching her nod.

"I wish I wasn't, I really do. I want to take this case, no questions asked, no one else knows. That's the only way I was able to convince him to fill them out. Let me do this."

Grissom nodded slowly after a moment, trying to process all that she had told him. "I'm guessing he's told no one else?"

Sara gave him a sad smile, looking down at her hands. Grissom nodded in understanding, "Take the case, keep it quiet, for his sake at least."

"I will," she answered softly, giving him one last look before leaving his office.

Out of everything that had happened, Greg could not believe he had told Sara. He hadn't planned on telling anyone, it just sort of came out. Unable to stop it, he had bawled right in front of her. He had never felt more weak or hopeless in his life, aside from last night.

Shivering at the thoughts Greg pushed himself to his feet, looking over the forms Sara had left on the counter. He pushed them away, closing his eyes as silent tears overtook him once again.

Even now it still felt like they were here, their cold hands sliding over him…touching…

He drew in a ragged breath, coughing, choking rather, on his tears. He pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes, trying to will the tears back. But they broke through, running down his face, landing on the papers beneath.

Softly, he drew his hands away, reaching with one to pull his sleeve back, staring that bruises that covered his arm. They had held him down here…it had been easy for them…one had held him down; while the others played…they had taken turns…

Greg grabbed onto the counter, feeling sick as he continued to cry. He had been doing so good, had been able to hide it so well until Sara had pressed him. Yet she was only trying to help, he knew…so why did he feel so much worse now?

Glancing back over the forms, he shook his head, reaching for the pen that lay on the counter, knowing what he had to do. Grabbing a small piece of paper, he wrote something carefully, folding it in half twice, before picking up the forms and heading back to the couch.

Sara had distracted herself with the previous case, checking the clock to see the time. She was planning on heading back over to check in on Greg, knowing him, he probably hadn't eaten. If there was something she could do to lighten him mood, then she would.

The look he had given her while telling the story, it had been unnerving. There was nothing there; emptiness…the light in his eyes was gone. It would take time, she knew, for him to heal; she could only hope it wouldn't scar him too badly.

She glanced up, sensing someone in the doorway. Grissom watched her quietly, and she gave him a small smile. "Hey," she told him.

Grissom looked down, letting out a sigh, causing her smile to disappear quickly. "What's wrong?"

"Get your case," he said quietly, avoiding her gaze as he turned to leave.

TBC…

Once again, let me know what you guys think, only one more chapter, or do you want to go further into emotions?