DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pokemon, Hilbert, or Lenora. They are property of Nintendo. I do, however, own the characters of Juanita, Mrs. Clark, and Hilbert's mother and father.
This fanfic is rated M for cursing, mild racism, and plenty of references to Precious. It's not for those under 18.
THE ESTATE OF NIBIRU-MUL PRESENTS
PIGS' FEET AND COLLARD GREENS
One fine autumn day, in Castelia City, Hilbert was taking a break from his Pokestar Studios movie career. He was doing some charity work - he would help people with cleaning up and meal delivery. He had already helped a few people around their apartments, caring for their Pokemon and bringing them their meals. Today, he was at the office waiting for the woman there, Mrs. Clark, to assign him a job.
"Excuse me," said Hilbert, "did you find out where I am supposed to help out tomorrow?"
"Yes, Mr. Klump," said Mrs. Clark. She looked through her files. "You're going to be helping a woman named Juanita Jones. She lives on 24 Glacier Avenue. She's been waiting for days to get someone to help her."
"Good," said Hilbert. "Is she nice?"
"Yeah...somewhat..." said Mrs. Clark, scratching her head.
Hilbert took the paper, put it in his coat pocket, and left the office. When Hilbert read the paper later, he was surprised.
"Whoa!" he said. "She's Lenora's younger sister! I'd love to go see her. Maybe I'll call Lenora and ask about her."
Hilbert went back to the hotel where he and his parents were staying. That night, Hilbert called Lenora and asked about Juanita. He wanted to know more about her.
"My sister?" asked Lenora. "Well, we don't see each other too often."
"You don't?" asked Hilbert. "Why not?"
"My sister and I have nothing in common," said Lenora. "We don't see eye to eye on anything. I try to avoid her most of the time. She won't get a job because she's too lazy. She doesn't have any kids - or a husband. She doesn't even like my husband - she can't stand white people. If I were you, I'd be careful around her. Juanita also has a tendency to swear a lot. She['s always watching TV. Don't touch her remote."
"What does she like to eat?" asked Hilbert.
"A lot," said Lenora. "She's overweight. But her favorite food is pigs' feet."
"Gross!" said Hilbert.
"She requests that they be served with collard greens," said Lenora. "But you have to make sure of it, otherwise she'll be annoyed. She might even make you eat it."
Hilbert gulped.
"Just try to get on her good side," said Lenora. "Juanita's always complaining, so you better be careful."
"I will," said Hilbert. "Bye!" Hilbert hung up.
Hilbert was feeling a bit nervous about it. He just lay down on his bed, thinking about what could go wrong.
"I'm a little nervous," Hilbert told his parents. "I hope things are going to go okay."
"I'm sure they will," said Hilbert's mother Flora.
"If anything goes wrong, call me and I'll pick you up," said Hilbert's father Conrad.
Conrad ran his hand through Hilbert's long brown hair. Hilbert found this to be soothing.
"Your mother and I know how you feel," said Conrad. "You've got a lot of responsibility. You took a little time off from acting so you could help out."
"But this woman seems like a pain in the neck," said Hilbert. "What if she requests pigs' feet and I forget to make collard greens?"
"Just tell her what happened," said Flora, "and hopefully she'll listen."
"And be polite," said Conrad. "Politeness goes a long way."
"I know it does," yawned Hilbert.
"You seem tired," said Conrad. "It's getting late. I'll tuck you into bed."
"I have to be at the office by 9:30 AM," said Hilbert.
"Okay," said Conrad. "You get some sleep and tomorrow I'll keep in touch with you."
"Goodnight, Mom and Dad," said Hilbert. Hilbert stripped down to his boxers and lay in bed. Conrad pulled the covers over Hilbert. Then he and Flora kissed Hilbert on the forehead.
"Sleep tight, Hilbert," said Flora. She turned off the light, and then she and Conrad left the room and closed the door.
The next day, Hilbert reported to the office, and got a list of chores.
"Okay," said Hilbert. "Here's the list of things to do..."
1. Clean Juanita's house
2. Wash Juanita's Stoutland AK-47
3. Go do Juanita's grocery shopping
4. Make dinner for Juanita
"I have to do her grocery shopping?" asked Hilbert. "Well, at least it's a one-day thing."
Hilbert took the list and put it in his pocket. He got into his father's car. Conrad drove Hilbert to Juanita's apartment complex.
"Call me when you're done and I'll pick you up," said Conrad. "If anything comes up, let me know."
"Okay," said Hilbert.
Hilbert went inside the apartment building and braced himself. He was feeling nervous, so he made a nervous smile and walked to Juanita's door. He rang the doorbell.
"It's open," said Juanita.
Hilbert opened the door and was surprised to see how filthy the apartment was. There were Rattata running on the floor. The walls were dirty. Juanita was sitting on her couch, watching TV. She was a fat woman with dark green eyes. Her green hair was covered by a head wrap. She had on a dirty jacket, shirt, and pants.
"You must be the white boy sent to help out around this joint," said Juanita.
Hilbert shrugged.
"I am," said Hilbert. "Hilbert Klump, at your service."
"I need you to clean this fucking place up," said Juanita. "The floor ain't gonna clean itself up."
"Okay," said Hilbert, going to the closet. "You don't need to curse."
"You don't know shit," said Juanita.
Hilbert looked confused. He just shrugged it off and went to the closet to get the vacuum cleaner. When he got the vacuum, Hilbert plugged it into the wall and turned it on. He started to clean up.
"Wow," said Hilbert. "This is going to take a while. Maybe I can get Juanita to her room so I can vacuum without disturbing her."
Hilbert called out to Juanita.
"JUANITA!"
"WHAT, BITCH?" yelled Juanita.
"DO YOU WANT TO GO IN YOUR ROOM SO I CAN VACUUM IN PEACE?" yelled Hilbert.
"WHAT?!" yelled Juanita.
"DO YOU WANT TO GO IN YOUR ROOM SO I CAN VACUUM IN PEACE?"
"Whatever, bitch," said Juanita.
Juanita turned off the TV and went to her room. She slammed the door behind her. It took Hilbert three hours to vacuum, dust, and clean the entire floor, and when he was done, his arms were tired. He rested them for half an hour.
"Nice work, white boy," said Juanita. "Now give AK-47 a bath."
Hilbert got out the dog grooming products.
"Who in the right mind would name their Pokemon after a gun?" Hilbert asked Himself. "Shouldn't that be illegal?"
Hilbert went over to AK-47, a large, dirty, vicious-looking Stoutland. He got to work. Scrubbing AK-47 was hard since his fur was coarse and greasy. There was even a certain part of his back which, after Hilbert cleaned it, AK-47 used Headbutt on Hilbert's leg.
"OW!" said Hilbert.
Juanita looked at Hilbert's leg.
"You're a dummy, white boy," she said. "Don't you know that you ain't supposed to touch his scar?"
"I just met your Stoutland," said Hilbert.
"Go get my groceries," said Juanita.
Hilbert went to eat the lunch his mom packed him, and then he went to the grocery store, which was not too far from Juanita's house. He bought everything on the list - except for collard greens, which the store was sold out of.
"Oh no!" said Hilbert. "What's going to happen if she demands pig's feet. What am I going to do? I better call Dad about it."
When Hilbert got back to Juanita's place, he called his dad, who told him to explain to Juanita what happened, and if that doesn't work, to hope for the best.
"I hope so," said Hilbert.
Hilbert saw Juanita watching TV.
"Juanita!" he said.
"What, bitch?" asked Juanita.
"What do you want for dinner?" asked Hilbert.
"Pigs' feet and collard greens," said Juanita.
"But I don't have any..." started Hilbert.
"Yes you do," said Juanita. "Go make it."
Hilbert went to the kitchen and put on an apron. He started to cook up a "wonderful" meal of pigs' feet, which he served with a side of steamed corn. But he had no collared greens. When he was done with the pigs feet, he went into the living room. He saw Juanita watching an old Italian movie. Hilbert put down the pigs' feet in front of her.
"You ain't cook no collard greens with the fucking pigs feet?" asked Juanita. "Like how am I supposed to eat pigs feet with no collard greens? And why the fuck does that pigs' feet have so much hair in it?"
"I beg your pardon," said Hilbert, trying to be polite.
"You eat it," said Juanita. "You eat this shit."
"I'm not hungry," said Hilbert.
"Yes you is," said Juanita.
Hilbert's jaw dropped. He was hungry for dinner since he had a light lunch, but he didn't want to eat pigs' feet.
"But..." he said.
"EAT IT UP!" yelled Juanita. "Since you fucked it up, you gonna eat it up."
Hilbert drew back in fear, and then he took the pigs' feet. He began to eat it up, and hated the disgusting taste.
"Hurry up," said Juanita. "Don't let it get cold because cold-ass pigs' feet is nasty."
Hilbert sat down and watched the movie with Juanita. He saw himself in the movie with Juanita.
"Mangia. Mangia, puttana. Mangia, puttana."
Hilbert felt sad about this while he ate. He took out his phone and texted his father to come pick him up.
When Conrad arrived at Juanita's apartment, he looked inside.
"Hello," said Conrad. "I'm Hilbert's father. I'm here to pick up my son."
"He did a lousy job," said Juanita. "He forgot to make collard greens."
Conrad looked around.
"This place looks clean," said Conrad.
"Dad, I'm so glad you're here," said Hilbert. "I tried to tell her about the collard greens, but she wouldn't listen."
Conrad scratched his facial hair.
"I believe Hilbert," said Conrad. "I think he's done a good job."
"But he forgot to make mah collard greens!" said Juanita. "Go fuck yourself, white boy!"
"I cleaned your apartment, washed your Stoutland, did your grocery shopping, and made you dinner," said Hilbert, "and this is the thanks I get?"
"YOU OUTTA HERE, BITCH!" yelled Juanita.
Hilbert stepped back in fear.
"Hey!" said Conrad. "Don't you DARE talk to my son like that! Come on, Hilbert."
Conrad drove Hilbert to the office, where Conrad explained the whole thing. Hilbert got paid. Then, Conrad took Hilbert back to the hotel.
"Want some dinner, Hilbert?" asked Conrad.
"No thanks," said Hilbert. "I'm full after Juanita forced me to eat pigs' feet. I'll just have a soda."
"Okay," said Conrad. He brought Hilbert a can of Coca-Cola. Hilbert drank it up.
"Thanks," said Hilbert. "Where's Mom?"
"She's getting her nails done," said Conrad.
"Okay," said Hilbert. "I'll just rest up here."
"Sure thing," said Conrad.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. It was Hilbert's mom.
"Hello?" asked Flora.
Conrad opened the door. It was Flora. She had brought Lenora with her.
"Lenora!" said Conrad. "What a pleasant surprise!"
"I'm glad to come," said Lenora. "I just wanted to see Hilbert. I hope he's okay."
"He's in his room," said Conrad.
Lenora, Conrad, and Flora went over to Hilbert's room.
"Hello, Hilbert," said Lenora.
Hilbert looked up at Lenora.
"I see you helped out my sister," said Lenora.
"I did," said Hilbert. "Boy is she obnoxious." Hilbert put his hands over his mouth.
Lenora laughed. "I know," she said. "Like I said, we don't see eye to eye. Juanita's so rude and obnoxious. Always making comments about white people and swearing at everyone."
"It was even worse," said Hilbert. "She forced me to eat pigs' feet. I hate pigs' feet."
"I don't blame you," said Lenora. "I hate pigs' feet too."
Flora went up to Hilbert.
"How are you doing, dear?" she said, giving her son a hug.
"Good," said Hilbert. He turned to Lenora. "Juanita sure is ungrateful."
"Some people are, Hilbert," said Lenora. "Just try to be nice and keep a positive face, even when it's hard. That's what I do when I'm around Juanita."
"Thanks for the advice," said Hilbert.
"You're welcome," said Lenora.
"At least I don't have to deal with Juanita anymore," said Hilbert, "because that's the last time I'm making pigs' feet."
Hilbert, Conrad, Flora, and Lenora laughed.
THE END