A/N: I have a list of fics I've been meaning to get to, but this is a Christmas pressie I've been trying for awhile to figure out and I think I've finally got it – for the beloved Mary (scarlett2u). I love you, darling. More than words could say. Hope you enjoy this. =)
*I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.
(Post 2x09, but Nolan has no "Trojan horse" plan and Aiden wasn't taken off the board)
…
"Are you alright?"
He looked up from his desk at the sound of Padma's timid, soft voice. She smiled a bit when some of the tension left his face. His furrowed eyebrows smoothed and a calm covered him, as it always did when she was around.
"Of course," he said, releasing the papers he'd been shuffling through and leaning back in his chair. "Why wouldn't I be?"
She pushed herself off of the door jamb and walked into the office.
"Well, for starters, Grayson Global has a 51% controlling interest in the company you built from the ground up."
"That was months ago," he quipped, not letting himself sigh at the reminder.
"You're starting to feel it though, aren't you?"
He tilted his head in confusion. "What do you mean?"
She slid herself onto the corner of his desk.
"You know what I mean, Nolan. A lot of the decisions you've wanted to make ever since they've taken control have been denied." He looked away. "And a lot of the things you would have never done before you've had to consent to."
"You don't know what I would have done before."
He didn't mean for it to come out sounding so cold, but he knew as soon as the words were out of his mouth that it had.
"I'm sorry," he said regretfully, standing to his feet and circling around to her. He took her hands in his own. "I didn't mean it like that."
She swallowed. "I know," she said, letting him tilt her chin up and kiss her.
"You want to go to dinner?" he offered.
She glanced outside. It was pitch black. She looked back at him.
"It's late," she offered weakly.
His brows furrowed. Normally she found meal invites at odd times of the day cute and romantic, and even somewhat humorous coming from him.
"Is something wrong?"
She shook her head. "No, I just think I'm tired is all."
He nodded once, wary. Then he stepped back so she had room to get off his desk.
"How's the new job working out?" he asked just as she reached the open doorway.
She turned around. "It's great. Thanks."
He walked to her. "I'm really sorry I had to replace you. It was completely out of my control," he said, getting desperate suddenly.
"I know," she said, reaching out to touch him, to soothe him.
He allowed it for a moment, keeping his eyes locked on hers.
"Something else is bothering you," he said, and she wondered how he'd gotten so observant all of a sudden. "Are you still mad I snapped?" he asked tentatively. She shook her head, because she wasn't. She was just afraid to tell him what was really bothering her now that she had tested what the other possibilities could be for his mood.
"Well then what is it?" he asked, focused completely on her. It made it impossible for her to forget the nagging that had started to consume her in the past few months.
"I know there's something bothering you," she said.
He blinked, his brows furrowing. "It's just Grayson Global getting to me," he said. "It was a hard blow losing my company to the Devil Incarnate and Co. Well, except for Emily – but she's the good devil I guess you could say." He let a half-laugh smirk slip through.
"Nolan, how do you know Emily?"
The light in his eyes and the humor in his face evaporated almost instantly. This was a topic he had hoped to avoid.
"Is she an ex?"
"Oh god no," he said instantly. "She and I…no, that – no." This time he did laugh, albeit briefly.
Her brows furrowed because the laughter did heighten his nerves and his tension again.
"How do you know her then? She doesn't have any investments in NolCorp. How did you mean?"
He sighed. "This is something you're really curious about?"
"It's been bugging me," she admitted.
His brows furrowed yet again. "Why?" he asked, somewhat confused.
"Well, I've just noticed how..."
"-what?"
"Well, you're tense every time you come back from being with her. It wasn't like that a few months ago. Not as much at least."
He sighed. "I think I know where this is going."
She looked to him hopefully, waiting.
He closed the distance between them and grasped her upper arms gently.
"You have nothing to worry about, Padma. I don't think of Emily like you're implying."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Cause I get the feeling that every time you see her and Aiden together, you get a little on edge."
He sighed. "Alright. You got me. I may be a smidge jealous of him."
Her lips parted, panic starting to engulf her.
"But not in the way you think," he assured her.
"Then how?"
"Well, in the last year, Emily and I grew very close, and when Aiden came along-"
"-he stole her from you," she concluded, a light bulb switching on in her head.
"I wouldn't put it in exactly those terms, but yes. Despite the fact that I've had multiple conversations with each of them on the matter, hopefully subtly, I do feel like I've lost her."
"I see…"
"I see her as a sister though, Padma. At the most, maybe a best friend. But I wouldn't ever see her like I see you," he confided.
"And how's that?" she asked, allowing the flirtatious tone to sink into her voice a little.
He smirked and held her chin in his hand. Then he lowered his head and kissed her.
"Does that answer your question?" he murmured against her lips.
She smiled a little. "I think I'm hungry now."
"Oh?" he asked suggestively.
She pulled back and her eyes twinkled. "For food," she clarified.
He gave her a mock-sigh and then returned her twinkly-eyed smile.
"Let's go."
He held out his bent elbow for her to loop her arm around and walked with her out of his office.
…
Shortly after he dropped Padma off at her house he realized he wasn't going home. Truth was he knew he wouldn't be halfway through dinner. He just made an effort to forget about it until after they'd exited the 24-hour fine dining restaurant and were nearly to her house. He didn't want to tip her off, didn't want her to know that what he'd let himself think about in those rare moments during the past year – roughly – she'd brought to light, and he was finding it hard to bury now that it'd been brought into the open, that someone had said it out loud.
But so it'd been thrown in his face now – so what? He could just face it head on, prove to himself he had nothing to worry about and then he could go back to fully believing his crazed jealousy barely under wraps was due only to the fact that with Aiden fulfilling the romantic and scheming position in her life, he'd been succinctly pushed out. Especially after his company had been ripped out from under him and he seemed to have no other purpose than to hope sometimes Emily would visit him for no particular reason, or even better – to find him more adequate for scheming than her beloved revenge-y lover. That, and to be able to keep himself from screaming because of how much had been stolen from him due to his dedication to Emily.
"Nolan?"
He blinked, realizing she'd seen him standing on her porch before he'd even knocked.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, crossing her arms across her chest after she stepped out onto the porch and closed the door behind her.
The tongue-tied sensation he got did not bode well. He half-laughed, half-smiled and then cleared his throat.
"Is Aiden here?"
She smiled a little. "Did you come here to see him?" she asked, amused. He wondered if she'd slept at all.
"No," he laughed, too suddenly, and he cursed himself for it. He felt the way he did on his first date two days after he'd turned fourteen.
"It's 3 am, Nolan. Aiden's asleep."
"Were you?" he asked, almost cutting her off.
She tilted her head, clearly starting to notice how odd he was acting.
"Why are you here, Nolan?" she asked, pushing the envelope of his façade. "Look," she continued before he could say anything. "I know it might seem like I'm pushing you away, but I'm really not trying to," she said.
He nodded. "I know," he said, and suddenly he knew exactly how Padma had felt earlier. He was completely and totally depressed. He forced a smile.
She searched his face but couldn't seem to come to any conclusion that satisfied.
"Is that why you came? To talk to me about that? Or…did something happen?" she asked, suddenly sounding almost panicked.
His eyes flickered up to hers. "No. Nothing happened." He swallowed.
She nodded slowly. "So why are you here?" she asked, confused.
He took a step towards her. "What do you think of me?"
She blinked. "What?"
"What do you think of me?" he repeated, adding an impish smile. "As a person – how do you think of me?"
She laughed a little breathlessly. "You came here at 3 in the morning to ask me my opinion of you?" she asked in disbelief.
He looked away briefly. "Just answer the question, Ems."
She held back a laugh, extremely humored.
"Please?" he begged, batting his eyes and pouting, trying to look cute.
She shook her head. "I think you're a good guy, Nolan. And extremely helpful. Brilliant. Loyal." She paused and suddenly looked very sad. "Very loyal," she said quietly.
He swallowed.
"Nolan…" she sighed. "You deserve so much better than I—"
"No…" He looked down, away from her guilty eyes. "I get it. Aiden is a love interest and a schemer in one." He looked back up at her. "Who can beat that?"
She looked so very sad. He started to back away, feeling claustrophobic in the open air.
"Well, I…think I'm gonna go…"
"-you're not the only one who considers us family," she said before he could leave.
"What?"
She walked toward him. "I know I have trust issues and I don't tell you things I tell Aiden, because…well, I have trust issues, and Aiden's been through what I have. He's on the same path."
"And I'm not."
She shook her head. "That shouldn't matter. If there's anyone I can trust completely, it's you."
He looked at her, the tension easing. He hadn't seen her be this open with him in awhile, if ever, but he wasn't going to complain. It was giving him the strength for what he needed to do next, even if it also threatened what she'd just established was true between them.
"If I did something…that was uncharacteristic of me, could you forget it in the morning?" he asked tentatively.
Her eyebrows furrowed. "Like what?"
"Well, if I told you that would ruin the surprise." Another nervous smile slipped through.
"Okay…" she trailed off. Then she took a deep breath and straightened. "Is it something you need to do here?"
He nodded. "Yeah…"
"Am I involved in this?"
He nodded, tentatively moving his hand to the golden locks dangling around her face. He tucked a few behind her ear.
"Nolan…" she warned. He started leaning in and her eyes widened. "Nolan."
He paused, his heart pounding loudly in his chest. "Just trust me," he said with a quirky smirk that showed all the light-hearted easygoingness he wasn't feeling in the slightest.
"Nolan, I don't-" she started to pull back, but before she could get completely out of his reach, he cupped her face in his hand, pulled her to him and kissed her. It was fast so she could not escape, but it also made a point.
He felt a cold sweat on his skin when she did not shove him off of her.
Very slowly he pulled away and looked at her, her lips still parted. She looked dazed. For some reason he could not release his hand from her hair. Padma had called her beautiful when she'd first met her. For some reason he did not fully realize the truth in that till now.
"Uh-" she cleared her throat, blinked her eyes a few times and waveringly looked at him. "Is that what I'm supposed to forget about?" she asked.
He released her and let his hand fall to his side.
"Maybe."
Her eyebrows furrowed as he backed away.
"Nolan, wait-"
He stopped and looked back at her after he'd turned around. He waited. She looked exasperated and like she was about to enact the perfect performance of a bumbling idiot.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" she asked, gesturing between the two of them.
He was torn between light-heartedness, despair and confusion.
"Probably you should forget about it," he said, though a very noisy voice in his head was screaming at him to take it back.
She nodded hesitantly. He started to back away again.
"Nolan?"
"Hmm?"
"Does this mean…what I think it means?"
He turned back around towards her. He was about to quip with something brilliant that might just put her on the spot, but he resisted because the truth of the matter scared even him.
"I don't know," he finally said. It was clear to both of them how brutally honest he was being. "I had to see," he added quietly.
"But what does it-"
"Go to bed, Amanda."
She looked startled to hear him saying her real name. The only person she'd heard say her name in what could only be since around last winter was Aiden, and it had only felt right with him. It was strange hearing it from Nolan, especially after he'd adapted a nickname for her new identity.
"When you wake up, regardless if I've figured anything out, it won't be brought up again."
She was staring into space, still trying to comprehend, wondering if she was dreaming now.
Suddenly, he thought of the effect this might have on their friendship. His eyes widened.
"You won't let this effect our-"
"No," she said, but he had no time to question it because she was turned around and heading for the door. "Goodnight, Nolan."
The door didn't slam, but it didn't exactly go quietly either.
...
When he got to his car and slid inside, he turned the key in the ignition and then paused as the events that had just transpired flooded through him.
It had really happened. He'd kissed Amanda Clarke, the daughter of the man who had changed his life.
He tried to prevent himself from lingering on that thought for too long, so he would make it home long enough to get into bed and sleep. Hopefully there would be no awkwardness between them and what he was feeling now would be nonexistent in the morning.
Because it was pounding through him right now and it scared the hell out of him.
Luckily for him, he made his way home, fell straight into bed and straight to sleep. He slept well, which surprised him under the circumstances. What did not surprise him however, since he knew himself so well, was the fact that all the actions and feelings that had happened in the wee early hours of the pitch black morning were completely the same eight hours later.
A knock on his door woke him up, making him quite aware of this. Karma was cruel to him sometimes.
He cleared his throat. "Just a minute!" he called out, still trying to wake himself up.
It was Padma at the door.
"You didn't show up to work today," she said, and he was surprised because she didn't work for him anymore. "They called me."
"Who?" he demanded.
"Marco," she said, surprised by his mood. "Is something wrong?"
He sighed, knew this should be done over a dinner and maybe that he should bring presents, but he couldn't make himself draw this out. She deserved to know.
"Come in, Padma." He ushered her inside."There's something I need to tell you."
She frowned. "What is it?" she asked, following his gestures to his kitchen.
He sighed. "Okay, there's no easy way to say this, but…" she swallowed. "I kissed Emily last night."
Her eyes widened. She couldn't even speak.
"I understand if you consider this cheating and want to write me off until the end of time, but the truth is that after you brought up that I might have feelings for her, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I hadn't really let myself think that before, and…well, I figured a kiss was as good a way as any to see if there was any truth in the matter, since up until this point I was convinced there wasn't."
She swallowed. "Couldn't you have told me?"
He nodded. "I should have. I'm sorry."
She looked away.
"I just didn't want to lose you if I ended up not feeling anything," he said.
She looked back up at him. "If you weren't sure about your feelings, then there was something to worry about all along." He nodded. "…how long have you felt this way?" she asked weakly, her heart starting to crumble.
"I don't know how I feel…" he said, "not about that at least. I know that she means a lot to me and that I don't want to lose her, but as far as anything else goes…" he shook his head. "I don't know how I feel, and I'm not going to pursue it."
Her eyes flickered up to his, clearly already angry and very hurt.
"Why not?" she demanded.
"Padma, I think we have something, you and I. Anything I might think I feel for Emily might just be something my mind has concocted because you brought up the idea."
"So, now you're blaming me for this?"
He closed his eyes. "No. That's not what I meant…"
She pursed her lips tightly together and tried to calm herself. It had been one kiss, to test feelings, ones he was sure probably didn't even exist.
"Maybe I'm just very traditional, but I still don't tolerate cheating. And kissing, in my book, is cheating."
"Padma…"
"I don't take lying very well either."
His eyes widened. "I never lied to you."
"You're doing it right now," she said. He looked at her as if she'd lost her mind. She walked straight up to him so they were just a few breaths away. "Tell me you don't have feelings for her. Tell me you didn't realize it the second you kissed her."
He held his breath, telling himself he should be regretting everything, but the clearest voice in his head told him he didn't regret any of it and never would, so he didn't speak.
She nodded and stepped back, tears forming in her eyes. It was completely breaking him.
"Sometimes I tend to go overboard," she said, pulling a handkerchief out of her purse and dabbing the corner or her eye with it. "With how traditional I am," she explained. "I probably could have moved past a 'testing kiss' given a few days, or maybe a few hours." She swallowed and slipped the cloth back into her purse.
He remained still, his temperature rising.
Finally, she looked back up at him.
"But I knew there was something going on between the two of you the moment we met." She sighed. "I should've stuck to my instincts."
"Padma," he called after her as she went to leave. "We can work this out." He followed her to the door.
She paused and turned back to him once she reached the door.
"Maybe we could," she allowed, "if you really wanted to."
He would've insisted on it if he was sure, but he told himself he wouldn't lie to her. He told her he wouldn't lie and that he hadn't, not really.
"We have a really good thing going for us right now," he said, crowding in on her and taking her hands. "If you can get past a testing kiss, I can get past whatever feelings I may or may not have for Emily."
"What feelings you have," she corrected.
"Padma."
"I'm sorry, Nolan. I really like you, but I just can't."
She reached for the door, but he stopped her.
"Please don't. I haven't felt for a girl like I do for you in a very long time. I don't have anybody who cares for me like you do, who gives me the kind of love and attention I can honestly say I haven't had for a long time and have needed."
She sighed. "I…can't, Nolan. I'm sorry."
He let her slip out the door and felt himself start to crumble. Eventually he made his way back into the kitchen and sat on one of the stools planted around the curving counter.
"Shit."
…
When he finally made it to the office, he felt exhausted. Marco was there and that didn't make him feel any better, but what – or rather who – he directed him to somehow did.
Emily was sitting there on a chair right outside his office.
"Ems," he said, reverting back to the nickname he'd created.
She turned to look at him and stood up.
"Nolan. Can we talk?" she asked.
He looked at her warily, but gestured in the direction of his office nonetheless.
"Of course."
They stepped inside. Emily shut the door behind them as he retreated behind his desk and sat down.
"Look, I know maybe we don't want to talk about it, but so we have less awkward conversations in the future, we have to talk about what happened last night."
He sighed and leaned back in his chair.
"Have you told Padma?"
He nodded, not looking at her. "I have."
"And?"
"She broke up with me."
"Oh my god, Nolan. I'm so sorry." She sat down on the chair adjacent to his desk. "For cheating?" she asked hesitantly.
"That's one reason," he confirmed, then looked up at her. "And Aiden?"
"I broke it off."
"What?" His eyes widened and he immediately straightened in his seat. "But you don't even-"
"For Daniel," she clarified.
"Huh?" The crease in his forehead somehow grew larger.
She sighed. "Victoria's using his safety as leverage. I may very well have to get back together with him to avoid the Initiative coming after all of us."
"Oh…" he nodded slowly, trying to comprehend. "That makes sense."
"Look, Nolan," she stood to her feet. He watched her carefully. "I don't know what it was that you drove you to do what you did last night. Maybe Padma put the idea in your head, since I've never gotten the sense from you before that you might like me like that. I've certainly never felt that way about you."
"Don't sugarcoat it, Ems," he threw out sarcastically.
She took a deep breath. "It just shocked me is all."
"Me too," he muttered.
"Right. Well, I think since it's both clear it was just a big mistake we can both move on without any further awkwardness. I won't think you left Padma for me and you won't think I broke it off with Aiden for you. And I am going to make an effort to keep you more involved. What you've done for me is more than anyone else ever has, Aiden included, and I'm very grateful."
He forced a smile. "No one's more important to me than you are," he said honestly.
For too long she considered the words as her eyes lingered on his face.
"Does Aiden know?" he asked when she tried to leave the room with a mere thank-you nod and smile.
"I told him," she said.
"That I kissed you?" he pushed. She nodded. "Was he pissed?"
She smiled. "Not even a little. He doesn't take it seriously. He isn't threatened. And even if he was, he didn't show any sign of it and he wouldn't have a right to anyways since we're technically broken up now."
He nodded. "Right."
"Is that all?" she asked, double-checking before she would leave again. Nolan was full of surprises, sometimes completely unpredictable.
"One more thing," he said, pushing himself up out of his chair and circling the desk till he was directly in front of her.
"What?"
"Did you feel anything?" he asked. "Last night," he clarified. "And this morning."
She rolled her eyes, thinking he was taunting her. "I don't have time for this, Nolan."
"I'm not messing with you, Ems," he called out when she was almost out the door. She turned to look at him. "I just want to know."
She turned back around and stopped in front of him. Her eyes narrowed.
"No," she said. Then her voice turned tender. "I'm sorry."
"No need," he said. "I didn't feel anything either."
Her lips parted.
"So really there's nothing to worry about."
"Nolan-"
"Except for our lost loves of course," he mused.
She swallowed, frozen to her spot. She suddenly became very aware of how close they were, even though he'd already gone to sit behind his desk again.
He waited for her to leave, but she didn't. She didn't even speak. The overarching, demanding confidence she always carried with her seemed to dissipate into the vulnerability he'd only caught her with on a few rare occasions.
"I don't know how to do this, Nolan," she said weakly. "I've never been in this situation before," she confessed.
He looked up at her. "No offense, Ems, but this is a much more normal situation than the kind of dilemmas you've had to deal with in your revenge-y lifestyle. I'm sure we can both move past it."
She wondered how he'd turned so casual, almost cold, didn't know how she'd gotten vulnerable and open about this either. It was weird and she didn't like it and she knew she would be so much more comfortable with the situation if she put on her all her layers on like she did with everyone but Aiden. True, Nolan had managed to take some of those off in the past, but after last night it was like he'd ripped them all off. It'd been a miracle she'd kept that fact from Aiden when they'd parted that morning.
"You've been in it before?" she asked.
"Not particularly, but I've seen other people go through it." He paused, finally recognizing the panic that subtly lay on her face. "It's only awkward if you let it be."
She nodded and then plastered her favorite fake smile on her face. "Right. I'll see you later then, Nolan."
He nodded, slightly confused as she left his office. "Bye…" he waved after she'd gone. He tried to shake himself of what had just happened. He didn't know what the hell it meant and he didn't want to think about it. It had become painfully obvious that if he didn't stop this from being awkward, she would close up on him entirely.
He turned on his computer and started shuffling papers on his desk. Then, without warning, Emily was back in the room and her eyes were blazing.
"What is it?" he asked, instantly thinking something must've happened to her, all potential romantic feelings forgotten – because her safety was first and foremost.
"I can't stop thinking about it either," she said, her voice starting to go higher.
Slowly, he stood up from his seat, computer, desk and papers forgotten.
"What are you talking about?"
She sighed. "You kissed me, Nolan. It's not something I can forget about easily." He sighed, cursing himself for following through on his test at all. "And you wanna know why?" she demanded.
Hesitantly, he looked up at her, prepared to defend himself should daggers start flying at his face. "Why?"
"Because…" she swallowed. Her face grew hot and cold and she knew she was shaking and she hated how out of place this felt, but the words burned on her tongue. "You are part of the reason I broke things off with Aiden."
Slowly, he walked around his desk until he was just a few feet away from her.
"What are you saying exactly?" he asked carefully, his eyes pinned to hers.
She swallowed. "I…I'm saying I might have…felt something last night. And this morning." She paused, needing to catch her breath. "For you." Now she felt like she was gonna throw up. It was as if she was a little kid dreading how her crush would respond to her liking him. Her insides were screaming at her to take it back, as if that would solve everything, because – at least temporarily – it would.
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" he asked, repeating her penetrating question from the night before.
Her lip quivered but finally she closed the distance between them and paused. In her head it had been one of those sudden, daring, passionate kisses like what had happened with Aiden, but now that she was here she couldn't find the courage to do it. She inhaled him and she felt her knees grow weak and she had no idea where it was coming from. She couldn't even speak.
His senses were going haywire with her this close to him of her own volition. He didn't ask any more questions or even speak at all. Instead, he lowered his head, nuzzled his nose against hers softly before leaning down and capturing her lips once more. He let his hand slide back into her hair.
He pulled away after that one kiss, just as had happed the night before. She looked wide-eyed into his eyes, her lips parted. Her eyes lowered from his eyes to his lips and then her hand was on his chest and she was staring at it, feeling the hardness of it and how even subtly it was shaking. When she looked back up into his eyes he looked more awestruck than she'd ever seen him.
"Ems," he breathed.
She slid her hand up his chest till it was around the back of his neck and then weaving through his hair. His breathing was uneven as he stared at her in disbelief that this was actually happening, but when she tugged on him a little, he lowered his lips to hers again and kissed her.
This time she responded, now wrapping her arms around his neck as he pulled her to him, his hands around her waist. The kiss grew passionate. She bit at his lip and he plunged his tongue into her mouth, deepening the kiss.
They broke away, in need of air and just stared at each other. Then, not wanting any more questions now, because it was all so new, she pulled him to her and kissed him heavily again.
"Mmm," she moaned into him unexpectedly. Flaming chills ripped through him, up and down his spine, and he was groping her and it was ridiculous how fast they were moving.
"Whoa, whoa, Ems-" he finally managed to pull away. He almost laughed. "Have you-Do you-" he broke off.
"It's not something I want to analyze right now, Nolan." She moved in to kiss him again, but he pulled away after just one more kiss.
"I would think feelings would be easier to admit to than an assault," he commented, smirking.
"Do you know exactly how you feel?" she demanded.
His eyes blazed into hers. "Yes," he said.
Her eyes widened and he knew it was the same.
"Tell me," he demanded.
"Yes," she said. "I feel it."
And somehow that was even better than a full out love declaration, because it was new, and it was them, and he would've said it too.
…
A/N: Oh man, I feel like this could be interpreted as seriously OOC. But maybe not! XD It is set several months in the future, and increasing jealousy could point in that direction eventually, no? XD I would've stopped it after the last Nolan/Padma convo, but I felt like that would make it seem like it was more their story and not centered around Nemily. Heh. Anyways! Please forgive if this was written awfully. It is my first Revenge-y attempt, and I'm taking a huge leap with this kind of situation.
Hope you enjoyed though, Mary! I tried!