Hey guys! So I want to be honest with you, I know most people don't bother to read the Author Notes but I am a really open person and I am really struggling right now and I wanted to say that writing has helped me so much, so this is me thanking you for reading what I put out. Much love- your author.

Warmth is Nice

I should not have felt relieved. I shouldn't have felt like a weight had been lifted when he said he was leaving me. But I did, and I knew it was not right, in fact it was completely wrong. So I sat down and I tried to cry, I really did, but no. Nothing happened. I tried to tell myself it was shock, I wanted that to be it, I didn't want to feel like total shit because I didn't well… feel like shit.

Sighing I sit on the closest chair available. I hold my head in my hands and my dark hair falls around my face. The floor provides no form of solution so I resort to just sitting to watch the people that pass outside.

Charlie is worried about me. I seem too happy for a girl that just got dumped, he thinks I'm faking, I wish I was. Edward left again. He decided that he should not have taken me back, he decided… well I don't really know what he decided. I hadn't bothered to care to be honest.

"Bella, I ordered some pizza for dinner, so you don't need to cook." He knocks on my door and opens it. I spin the chair and look up at him.

"Okay, thanks dad." I smile at him and he throws one back before closing the door. I turn to face my window when the door opens again.

"You promise you're okay Bells, I trust you, but I just want to make sure that you're," His face looks confused as he struggles for the right words.

"I promise I am fine, honestly I am sort of relieved." I give him half a smile and he nods before closing the door with the finality of a click. Even if he doesn't believe me, there is no other things I could do to convince him. Sighing, I face my gaze back out the large windows. I usually just keep my light off and let the light from outside shine into the house.

I knew the real reason I was relieved, but I can not say it, or even think it. That makes my feelings real. A risk, or luxury depending on how you view it, I did not want. But why not be honest with myself for once? Just because I am honest with myself doesn't mean I need to be honest with anyone else right? Or did that make it a lie. Maybe not so much a lie just more of not giving all the information. That is not a lie. Right? Well, the thoughts did not go away. He stuck in my mind, waiting, reminding me of my feelings every time Edward had held me. Sitting patiently, smugly even, waiting for me to recognize what he had known for so long. Something he had even pronounced with conviction. Conviction of a man in love.

But of course, I stand here denying myself happiness even in the midst of reality. And reality reminds me that I no longer must feel like a cheater for wanting him, because Edward did not want me, and I had not wanted him for a while either. It was so comfortable with him though, a form of security, but not completely.

There was no way in Hell to argue that I had not been protected, safe, and at complete distance from the physical dangers of the world. But that was the predicament for a girl like me. I was protected from the physical aspects of the world. Dead and undead alike I had no reason to worry that a single scratch would be left on me. Although my heart did not have the same warranty, did not have the same protection. It was left to fend for itself, navigating the feelings that may not have even been real.

Without Edward I had been crushed for a time, yes. The end of that reminded me who I had been before him. I had been happy, free, alive. Yet when he came back and said he loved me, I fell into those eyes. Fell into the trap of being wanted eternally. Maybe it was his smell, maybe it was his voice, it could have been anything. When I would just be with Jacob I questioned loving Edward at all. Was it because I had no choice but to be drawn in? He had warned stupid me from the beginning. He is and will always be the world's most dangerous predator, makes you want him. And I question if that was what happened to me. Had I simply fallen in love with physical beauty, with the idea of having someone so seemingly unattainable?

I knew I was below him, he knew it too. Maybe that is why I deemed myself as "in love". It was because part of me, large parts of my being in fact, wanted to know what it was like to be envied for once. Honestly I was in love, but not with him. I was in love with being wanted. To be loved by someone everyone wanted but could not even look at. And he preyed on it. He bet on it in fact, and when he left it took away the confidence I had built entirely on simply his existence. Love truly is a word thrown around much too casually. The ringer on my phone pulls my from my thoughts and Jake's name lights the phone, as if he knew I needed him.

"Bells?" His voice was groggy, and slow, maybe he had just woken up?

"Hey Jake. What's up?" I try to sound cheery, but honestly my mood has already been ruined today. Breakups are not fun, even when you both agree on the decision.

"What is it? I know something is wrong so don't even try to just brush this one off Bells." This is why I love him. He could protect me from dead and undead sure, but he had my heart, and he protected that too.

"Oh, uh me and the leech broke up." A beat went bye before he groaned lightly, something I doubt he wanted me to hear.

"Um, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that." Lie, but I didn't bother to call him out.

"Yeah, why did you call, not that I don't want you to, I just didn't expect it that's all."

"Uh I just felt like something was off I don't know, wolf sense maybe?" I let out the first laugh of the die and a smile, but that died off just as fast as it came.

"Well how about I come over and we watch dumb movies, I could use the pick me up."

"No bikes?" He sounded teasing but I knew that he meant it. I almost hadn't survived, a moment neither of us liked to relive.

"No, Jake I promise."

"How about you come over in twenty?" He sounded nervous but I let that go too, I am really not in the mood to argue for the second time in an hour. I gave him some confirmation before ending the call and going to get ready. I did not bother do more than bursh my teeth again, coat my lashes in some mascara and put on leggings. Jeans were not necessary for Jake's, and me and him both knew it.

He just made me so comfortable. I turn the key in the ignition and feel the road beneath my old red truck as I pull from the driveway.

"There she is!" I heard from across the yard of the Black house. Quil came running towards me in some shorts and old sneakers that looked like they had seen twice their lifetime.

"Hey, Quil." I looked him up and down and he quirked an eyebrow.

"Like what you see?" I roll my eyes and scoffed at his usual teasing.

"You wish, anyway it's so good to see you!" He opens his arms for a hug and I gladly throw myself into his embrace. We had grown to be very close friends.

"Damn I leave you for two minutes and the wolves descend." Jake's voice made me pull back from Quil awkwardly as he looked at Quil. We heard the teasing tone, but me and Quil both knew he wasn't happy. I look back at Quil hoping he thinks of something to say, per usual he does.

"I am just glad she is here so we don't hear your damn thoughts about her all the time. Maybe I should call her, maybe I shouldn't. Bella this, Bella that. I heard enough when you were fixing the bikes but now, forget it. It's all he thinks about, other than food." He winks at me and whispers, "But you could count as his food too." I laugh and turn back to Jake whose stoney expression turned into one of embarrassment.

"Shut up Quil." Is all he manages to say before Quil looks to me whispering again.

"I think my work here is done." And with a wink of finality, he runs off so fast if I blinked I would miss it.

"Thinking of me often?" I tease and he rolls his eyes before mumbling something along the lines of 'you wish'. The worst part was, he was right.

"So what do you want to watch?" He questions and I turn my attention to the collection of movies.

It has been six hours, three movies, and about twelve bowls of caramel corn later, and I kept staring at him. It was hard not to. He has the looks sure, no disputing, but it was more. I could see inside his soul, and I knew he could see mine.

"What is it?" He looked over at me and spoke softly, as if I was china he was afraid of breaking. The same voice he had used when he was fixing my and the bikes. With every piece of metal he had put me together as well, and here we are now. Him worrying too much about me thinking of him, and me worrying that Jacob had moved on. Great, now I am crying a little. I try to turn away before he notices, but to no avail as he grabs my chin and gives it a nudge towards his direction. "What's wrong babe?" Babe. I tried it out in my head, I loved it. The best part, I don't think he noticed it leave his mouth, it just fit. We just fit.

"Nothing, it's fine." I smile at him reaching within myself to pull all the conviction I can, but it is nothing to hide the next warm hot tear sliding over from my eyes. They came slowly, one then a minute later another.

"Tell me."

"Do you still love me?" I could feel my face morph into what I assume was just as much shock and confusion as Jake's expression. How did that just slip out?

"What?" Is it too late to back out now? Nope, abort mission

"Nothing, nevermind, I am fine honestly. I am fine." It sounded convincing in my head, but I know he is not convinced.

"Why would I not love you Bells? What's not to love?"He was completely sincere. No doubts, no teasing, nothing. What's not to love he had said. And from the look on his face he means it.

"Jake, I'm just not," I search for words in my head. Good enough? Pretty enough? "I left you to be sad for so long, and if I was you I would have left so long ago. So do you still love me, or is it just pity? I just want you to be happy, you deserve to be happy. More than anyone and-" Shit is that his mouth. Yeah, it is his mouth. Why was I not kissing back?

"Shit, I am sorry I shouldn't have done that-" This time I cut off his rambling with a kiss, and he kissed me back. Those spars everyone talks about? Wrong. I feel on fire. His warmth was ten times greater, but not uncomfortable, it was perfect.

"I love you Bells. So much."

"I love you too, feels good to say that. After so long of denying it." I pulled back a bit to look at him before just laying myself on him to feel that warmth. My own personal heater. Jacob Black is and will always be the one. And that's all there is too it.

Author Note: Have a good day, tell me what you thought, hate love whatever. Have a nice day. - your author