The summer of my eighteenth year was full of pity, hospital trips, and of course, support group. A month after Augustus passed away, my mother decided that I was depressed, wearing mostly black, spending most of the day in my room, and listening to the same Peter Gabriel soundtrack over and over again. I mean, she was right. I was depressed. But in my mother's mind, getting me out of the house was the only thing that would make me feel better.
I've been depressed the whole summer. Not even Isaac could cheer me up. Nothing in this whole world could make me feel better. A week after summer was over, I returned to college for classes. Not even that made me feel better.
It is now September second. Augustus died July second. It's been two months since he died.
"Good morning." my mother said when I came downstairs for breakfast.
"It is not a good morning. It is simply a morning. Nothing is ever good anymore." I mumbled.
"Darling, I think you've spent too much time listening to Peter Gabriel."
I laughed. "Like you haven't."
"So, what do you want to do today?" my mother said between mouthfuls of eggs.
Today I didn't have any classes. "I don't know…"
"Yeah you do. We could go shopping for birthday presents, we could—"
I totally forgot about my birthday. "Really? I was thinking I could have the theme be, actually, I haven't thought about it much."
"Then let's go shopping." my mother suggested.
"I don't know…"
"Come on. We leave in an hour." my mother left the kitchen hurriedly, probably before I could say anything else.
I spent the next hour showering, reading, and doing my hair. Since I hadn't really left the house, my hair grew longer, and shaggier. The back of my hair reached the bottom of my neck, and the front came down right below my ears. I actually liked it. I managed to twist the back of my hair into a tight, small bun. The front I left as it was, so that it looked like I purposely left it hanging, when really, it was too small to be part of the bun. I was so depressed tat I ate a lot of food, which actually made me look normal size, and not the small, skinny cancer girl I was before. I changed into a pair of jeans, and a pretty, sky blue blouse.
"I'm ready." I shouted coming downstairs.
My mother was already sitting on the couch, purse in hand, ready to go. "Hazel…"
"Mom, stop. Let's go." I grinned.
I slipped into the passenger side of the car, pulling in the oxygen tank and setting it down next to me.
My mother started the car. "So what exactly do you want for your birthday?"
"Well, I need some new socks, and some more jeans would be nice…"
"No, I mean what do you want for your birthday."
I had never really thought about it. "I don't know. I guess we'll see when we get there."
When we got to the mall, the first store we went to was Macy's.
"Do you want some new perfumes, or maybe some dresses, or we could—"
"Mom, it's alright. I'll just look around." I answered.
She stood there for a moment. "Fine. Meet me in the food court in an hour." she swiftly turned around and walked towards the shoes department.
The whole point in coming here was to shop for my birthday. To spend some time with my mom. Pulling a novel out of my bag, I went to sit near the fountain in the middle of the store to read.
After reading for a full twenty minutes, I decided to get up and stretch. Maybe actually look for an interesting birthday presents. I window shopped, and anything I saw that was interesting I went and looked in the store. The only thing I ended up buying was a necklace with an infinity sign on it, and on the back, which was personally engraved, were the words- Our little infinity.
When the hour was up, I went to the food court, as promised.
"Hey." I said sliding into a chair. My mother was surrounded by several shopping bags. I sat my little shopping bag in the chair beside mine. "What did you buy?"
"Some birthday presents." my mother answered nonchalantly. "What did you buy?"
"A birthday present for myself." I said blushing.
"I didn't know what you wanted to eat, so I just got you a slice of black olive pizza. I know it's your favorite."
"Thanks." I said.
"There's something I want to talk to you about."
I looked up, my mouth full of pizza. "What?"
"It's about Gus. I know he meant a lot to you, and I just don't want you to be upset anymore. You need to go out and live. You'll be eighteen soon."
Tears stung my eyes. The last thing I wanted to talk about was Augustus. "Mom, Augustus meant so much to me. So much, I'll never be able to explain. I was in love with him, and I still am. He's a part of me that I'll never forget, that I'll never be able to explain." tears rolled down my cheeks. "There's a part of me that's missing now. He got me out of depression the first time, but there's nothing on this earth that will get me out of this one." I stood up and left, burying my face in my hands. I ran to the car, but it was no use. My mother had the keys, and she wouldn't be able to drive home. Instead, I ran to the bus stop. I paid my fare and hopped onto the bus. The nearest stop to my house was three blocks over. I was just about to sit down, when someone coming off the bus ran into me and sent us both falling into the nearest bus seat.
"Hey, watch where you're—" I stopped mid-sentence as I looked into the eyes of a teenage boy with curly, chocolate brown hair, and cerulean blue eyes.
"I'm sorry." he grinned. "I guess I should next time."
"There won't be a next time." I said.
He stood up in the aisle, unaware of the boarding passengers, and lent his hand out to me.
I narrowed my eyes and took his hand. "It was nice falling into you."
"I hope we can do it again sometime." he smirked. "My name is August, by the way. August Sparks."
My heart leaped in my throat. I could barely speak. "Mine's Hazel. Hazel Grace Lancaster."
"Alright. Hazel." he smiled, showing perfect white teeth.
The bus driver turned around. "Would everyone take their seats?"
I looked at August, but he just took the seat next to mine. "You can call me Auggie, by the way."
"You were supposed to get off." I said.
"Yeah, but to me, walking a pretty girl home is more important. Don't you think?" Auggie smiled.
"I don't see a pretty girl in here." I said, raising my eyebrows.
He took a tiny glass mirror out of his pocket and put it right in front of my face. "Do you see her now?"
He was quite the charmer. But no matter what he said, I was still a scrawny girl with cancer. Looking at myself in the mirror for the first time in months, all I could see were the bad things. The acne, the fat cheeks, the bushy eyebrows. "No."
He put the mirror back in his pocket. "That's too bad. But at least your not humble. I dated a really humble girl once. I don't know if you know her, her name was Monica. She broke up with me for some guy with cancer. I was devastated. But I heard that she broke up with him when he became blind. I'm certainly not heartbroken anymore. Have you ever dated anyone before?"
Normally, I would've been offended. Had I ever had a boyfriend. Who asks that kind of question? But talking to him felt normal. "Yeah. He died."
He looked stunned for a moment. "What did he die of?"
"Cancer. His name was Augustus Waters."
"I read about him in the newspaper." Auggie looked down at his feet. I went to the same high school as him."
"You did?" I gasped. "Were you…friends?"
"Not really. I knew he had cancer, but when he died, it was just out of the blue."
"Yeah. I know the feeling." I said.
"I'm sorry I brought it up." Auggie said.
"No, I'm glad I could finally talk about it with someone." I gasped. That's what my mother wanted me to do. I had to go apologize. "I have to get off."
The bus driver ignored me.
"I have to get off." I shouted.
Auggie turned to me, concerned. "Let me go with you, I'll just walk you to your door."
"It's fine, but thanks." I answered quickly.
The bus driver opened the doors to let people off. I started running to the door, but Auggie held me back. He handed me a slip of paper. "Don't look at it until you get home, okay?"
I slipped the paper into my pocket. "Okay."
He grinned. "Good. Talk to you later, then."
I stepped off the bus and headed for home.