Notes: ...Yeah, I'll be frank. I don't know what the heck this is or where it came from. I do know, however, that it is total crack and a gift for my awesome beta midnight-elise. :D
Disclaimer: I own nothing except these ideas used in this fic: L has the ability to break the Fourth Wall, Light has the ability to screw up his grand plan in every possible way, and I have the ability to do whatever the heck I want to the Death Note universe so long as I stick in this sentence before I start. (It's true and you know it.)
Exhibit A.
"Light-kun, would you mind explaining exactly how we got locked into this particular supplies closet?"
"No idea. It looks like we'll be stuck here awhile, eh?"
"..."
"What?"
"...I suppose it is fortunate that, since I own the building, I keep keys for every door on hand."
"You're kidding."
"I most certainly am not."
"...Wait... closets don't unlock from the inside!"
"They do in my world, Light-kun - there we are. Out we go."
"...Ummmm... yeah, okay..."
Exhibit B.
"Dammit."
"Why the profanity, Light-kun?"
"Because the door is jammed!"
"...You mean to say that we are locked in the supplies closet for the second time this week."
"'Fraid so."
"...Damn."
"HAH! Now who's using profanity?"
"I apologize. It seems that my keys are not in my pocket."
"...Well... I guess I can understand your frustration."
"So where is - ah, here we are!"
"What is it?"
"I put a spare underneath the floor mat. Alright; out after you, Light-kun."
Exhibit C.
"Remind me why we are here again."
"...Because we needed to find the air freshener?"
"And, by some mysteriously bad fortune, we have now been locked in the supplies closet."
"..."
"Again."
"...This isn't that bad, is it?"
"No, I suppose not."
"Good - what are you doing?"
"Calling Watari on my cellphone."
Exhibit D.
"Alright Ryuzaki, do you have all those keys to let us out this time?"
"No."
"...No?"
"No."
"What about the spare under the mat?"
"It appears to be missing."
"...Your cellphone?"
"Out of battery power. But not to worry Light-kun: we will get out."
"How?"
"By breaking the Fourth Wall."
"...What the hell are you talking about? The 'Fourth Wall' - ?"
"Excuse me for a moment while I appeal to the author. Ahem."
"What author?"
"Pardon me, Cameron-chan, but I believe you are in charge - "
"Okay, you've officially lost it. And who's Cameron?"
" - so if you wouldn't mind unlocking this door, we would be forever grateful."
"..."
"..."
"Why do I get the feeling we're being watched?"
"That is probably Cameron."
"...By 'Cameron', do you mean 'God'?"
"No. Like I specified already, Cameron is the author and in no way, shape, or form, does that imply that she is God."
"Have you been smelling the strawberry-scented air freshener a little too deeply, by any chance?"
"I will refrain from answering that - OH! Here we are!"
"What?"
"A key to this very door just appeared in my hand. I think I will take the liberty of using it now."
" Well, I think you're delusional - "
Click.
"...How'd you get the door open...?"
"I told you: with the key. Thank you, Cameron-chan!"
Exhibit E.
"Aww, Light! We're locked in the supplies closet together! How romantic!"
"..."
"Well?"
"'Well,' what?"
"Aren't you going to kiss me?"
"...I think the more pressing manner is probably getting out of this place."
"Aww, but Liiiiiiight-"
"Misa. Seriously. This situation is weird, and I want out."
"I agree with Light-kun."
"Shut up, pervert! You just wish I wasn't here so you could have Light all to yourself!"
"..."
"..."
"...What?"
"Light-kun, should I call Watari now?"
"Please."
Exhibit F.
"Are you serious? The door is stuck AGAIN?"
"..."
"What?"
"Shh."
"..."
"..."
"No, seriously, what is it?"
"Shh!" I need to concentrate."
"...Concentrate... On what?"
"Opening the door."
"..."
"..."
"You were wondering where that air freshener went? I think you inhaled it all."
"Just give me a moment."
"Ryuzaki, what the hell? You can't open doors with your mind: it's not physically possible - "
Click.
"...You were saying?"
Exhibit G.
"Light-kun."
"Yes Ryuzaki?"
"Explain yourself."
"Explain what?"
"It is certainly not my doing that we seem to have gotten stuck in this supplies closet for the seventh time in the past two weeks."
"Umm... Why is this an issue? We can get out, can't we?"
"No."
"...Why not?"
"Because the keys happen to be mysteriously missing. Both of them."
"What, can't you call Watari and tell him to-"
"My phone has disappeared as well."
"There's no random key being given to us out of thin air?"
"No."
"...What about that mind-control trick thing?"
"It does not appear to be working this time."
"Well... damn."
"My thoughts exactly. But back to the point: why do you keep locking us in the supplies closet?"
"..."
"Well?"
"...Because... um... I've been wanting to ask you a question?"
"..."
"..."
"Well?"
"'Well' what?"
"Aren't you going to ask me this pressing question?"
"...I was hoping that you would figure it out on your own."
"Oh. Well in that case, No."
"...Wait, what?"
"No, I am not gay. That is your answer."
"...Oh... okay then."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"So... now what?"
"We wait."
"For what?"
"For Watari to figure out that we are locked in here once again."
"..."
"Why, what did you want us to do?"
"..."
"..."
"L?"
"Yes, Light-kun?"
"Screw you."
"Hah. You wish."