Title: Reflection & Realization
Summary: Jamie ponders his actions after the tense arrest and then comes to a new realization after he and Danny talk after the Monday night movie. Post ep 3.09 'Secrets & Lies' 'Contains spoilers' Missing Jamie/Danny Missing Scene
Disclaimer: Um you know by now write? Lol I own nothing but my hard working muse Alice.
A/N: *squee* an actual cute brotherly moment in this awesome eppy (LOVED the Jamie storyline in this) hehe that my muse was just inspired by and had to capitalize on! I hope we get more of these this season!
"Words in double quotes and italic's taken directly from the eppy"
"What happened up there? You left your partner? You didn't even answer on the radio? You didn't even wait for backup. Whatever? Explain to me how a cop who always goes by the book suddenly decides to go off on his own without telling anyone where he's going in order to settle a personal vendetta!"
With Renzulli's stinging words still resounding in his brain, Jamie leaves the 12th precinct in a heated fit of anger; his mind boiling and heart racing. It's what Danny would have done, he keeps telling himself over and over as he storms past his curious co-workers and outside into the late morning air.
"Three day suspension," Jamie mutters to himself as he reaches his car, slamming the trunk closed with a bit more enthusiasm than needed and forcing a passerby to stare a few seconds longer. Jamie merely gives them a nod and then gets into the car, needing to make one stop before heading home; having too much pent up anger inside to go to his quiet apartment and try to deal with the silence on his own or in front of the TV.
"I did the right thing," he justifies his one sided conversation. "Danny would have done the same thing," his voice drops to a deep growl; knowing that during his rookie year…a few days into the job in fact that Danny broke away from his partner and went on his own. But he was with you back then, Jamie's mind argues back; you were totally alone this time. Jamie's palm slaps the steering wheel, his lips uttering a small curse of angry frustration.
He reaches the gym and enters; anxiety already having a tight grip on his inner core.
"Jamie Reagan," the owner looks up at him with a smile.
"Hey Paul…any ring time for me?"
"Always time for you," the older man smiles as Jamie heads past him to the locker rooms. He quickly changes into a pair of sweat pants and a dark tee, just wanting to pull on a pair of gloves and work out whatever frustration was churning inside.
He starts to hit the bag, his mind zooming him up to the top of the building…his heart racing just before he races toward the gaping mouth between the two buildings; what if I fall? What if I don't make it? He didn't stop to think just…kept going.
"Had to get the bastard," Jamie growls as he punches at the heavy leather bag; the stuffed piece of leather jerking at his touch but not moving more than a few feet. "Danny would have done the same thing."
And as he utters those words he knows them to be true; Danny would have done the same thing if given the opportunity. Maybe Danny would have called it in, maybe not; probably telling himself the same as Jamie, he'd be the one to get the guy who assaulted a member of their family.
"Not fair!" Jamie huffs as hears the word suspension in his mind once more and hits the bag again with full force.
"Tough day Officer Reagan?" The owner asks as he nears with two receiving gloves.
"Yeah…" Jamie lightly pants as he pulls back; his heart racing, lungs heaving and back covered with a light film of sweat. "It…was."
"Come on…hit something that can hit back," the older man offers. Jamie looks at him and nods; no hesitation as he knows the man's age has nothing to do with his ability to hold his own in the ring against someone more than half his age.
"You feel like you're holding back. You know I can take it…this used to be my whole world."
"You ever…" Jamie pulls back and stops for a few seconds, his gloved hand gently wiping away a few beads of sweat. "Make a decision…the right one…but still feel like maybe you shouldn't have?"
"That's rhetorical right?" The older man tosses back with arched silver brows; a small smirk adoring Jamie's soft lips as he merely nods and then assumes the position once again, striking the thick receiving pad with added force. About half hour later, Jamie finally pulls back; his body completely drained of anxiety-filled adrenaline and wanting nothing more than to take a shower and collapse.
"Thanks…I needed this."
"You come back anytime."
"Thanks Paul."
Jamie gathers his stuff and heads for home, wondering what he'd face at family dinner the following night. He enters his quiet apartment and as suspected as soon as he flips on the lights he sees himself on top of the building and the words he had told Renzulli slam into him full force.
"I came this close to letting him take a nose dive…but I didn't."
Jamie tosses his jacket onto the table and heads for the living room, flipping on the TV and allowing the mindless blather to fill the void as he heads for the hallway and pauses by his answering machine.
'Hey superman…heard about the jump. Glad you landed on the roof.'
Jamie slightly smirks at Danny's message as he heads for the bathroom to have a shower. But not sure if Danny would chew him out or praise him, Jamie opts to leave the message and see how his brother would treat him at family dinner the following night.
"Danny would have done the same thing," Jamie states once more; his brain begging for the verbal reassurance that his tormented soul is craving. Are you sure he would?
"Yes. But if I ask him…" Jamie pauses in his one side conversation. "Probably just get on my case," Jamie grumbles to himself as he finally crawls into bed, turns off the light and brings the long trying day to a muchly needed close.
XXXXXXXX
The following night at family supper, Jamie feels his own tension starting to eat away at him; his mind wondering as each sentence is concluded when his turn in the spotlight would be presented. He doesn't have to wait too long before the lead up to his verbal crucifixion gets under way.
"Ohhh I wish I could have gottan a clean shot at him," Henry pipes up at family dinner the following night; speaking of the man who assaulted him, the one Jamie arrested.
"I think somebody already did," Frank states as he looks directly at Jamie; Jamie's anxiety surging as he looks at Danny. But Danny doesn't come to his to his verbal aide and he can't offer to clean up and extricate himself from the room fast enough.
"I'll clear," Jamie states in haste, feeling his father's eyes boring into the side of his head; clearing the plates and escaping into the kitchen. As expected Frank follows; Jamie right away feeling the need to justify him somewhat rash actions.
"What were you thinking?" Frank asks point blank; Jamie offering his own heartfelt reason, the one he'd offer to anyone who would demand of him the same info.
"I don't see you getting on Danny's case when he bends the rules," Jamie tosses in haste; hating to mix his older brother in this discussion but feeling no other choice when backed against the wall.
"How would you know?" Frank replies kindly, his firm but kind tone trying to bring the tension down a notch.
"I admit I should have radioed in, but if I hadn't gone after that guy he would have gotten away."
"Would he now?"
"…now I'm being punished for looking for justice."
"You weren't looking for justice, you were looking for vengeance. I think you know the difference."
What could he say in return? Inside he knows his father is right…when he first heard the call over the radio about who the call was about he couldn't get there fast enough, wanting to unleash a bit of anger and show the thug just what kind of person he was dealing with that could hit back. Wanting to be the one to take him down and then have his family know that he could do it just as well as Danny or even Joe would have.
He looks at his father and feels his agitation starting to soar and now wonders if feeling his father's displeasure was worth the risk he took. Frank offers his youngest a small frown before he turns and leaves the kitchen, the silence between them forcing Jamie to ponder the difference between justice and vengeance. "Damn," Jamie curses softly as he stops his task and shakes his head; his hands slightly shaking from anger. He quickly stows the rest of the dishes into the dishwasher and then looks out to see if Danny is still there; wanting to see what he would say about the whole situation other than the cheeky superman comment when asked.
But as soon as he pushes through the doorway into the dining room, Jamie watches with some dismay as Danny and his family leave and he's missed his opportunity. He probably would have said I should have waited for backup, Jamie's mind huffs as he finishes his task, grabs his jacket and heads into the cool night air; his mind wondering what he'd do with his next day off. The same as today – nothing.
XXXXXXXX
The following Monday morning, Jamie looks at the clock and groans before rolling over onto his other side; cursing the fact that his body was so used to getting up at a certain time. He didn't even need to set the alarm on most days, although he did out of habit and in case there was one time his body refused to listen to his brain. After he'd get up, the day ahead would be filled with mundane chores and some time spent online; wanting to try to prove that justice and vengeance were closely linked and that his reasoning was still sound for his rather rash actions.
"I was right," Jamie muses to himself as he stands beneath the hot streams of the shower, his day officially started. So far the only one that really sided with him was his grandfather, his nephews just thinking it cool that he did a daring arrest and not fully understanding the politics behind it. You are a cop not a vigilante, his father had reminded him the day of the suspension.
After having a light supper, Jamie heads for this father's home with a book tucked under his arm; wanting to at least open a bit more dialogue between him and the two elder Reagan's; his grandfather of course not needing much persuasion to see things his way.
"Revenge is an act of passion; vengeance of justice," Jamie quotes from Samuel Johnson to which his grandfather retorts, "if you're looking for vengeance you better dig two graves, one for your enemy; one for yourself."
"Still in the same situation, I think both you guys would have done the exact same thing I did," Jamie insists, wanting to get a bit more verbal support.
"No way," Henry instantly pipes up. "I don't know about Francis but I would have let the scumbag fall."
Jamie quickly looks over to his father for some validation of the statement; wanting to see what he will weighed in on on the subject. But his father merely offers a cryptic smile; seconds later the moment is instantly spoiled by his two older siblings showing up with desserts and scotch; each of them citing a personal excuse and then settling in for an evening of cheesy movies and sweet libations.
"So are we drinking to remember or to forget?" Erin inquires.
"Both," Jamie answers in truth.
"There you go…gettin' more and more like your older brother every day kid," Danny utters with a warm smile; Erin looking up with a rather surprised expression.
Erin goes to get the glasses; Danny tossing his coat and then sliding down right beside Jamie and giving him a small poke and cheeky grin, to which Jamie laughs; the tension continuing to fade.
"Are we really going to watch Death Wish dad?" Danny asks as he reaches for the TV listings.
"Your brother wanted to watch…what was it again?"
"Death Wish," Jamie pipes up as Danny casts him a sideways glance. "What? I like that kind of movie."
"No way…you suggested the John Wayne marathon," Danny smirks as Jamie shakes his head. "Figured you for more of a…"
"A what?" Jamie challenges back.
"Remains of the day?" Danny laughs as Jamie rolls his eyes.
"That's more of what grandpa likes to watch."
"I heard that," Henry comes back into the room with Erin at his side as they set out the plates and glasses.
"Don't you?"
"No way. Now Walking Tall. He was my kinda cop."
"Not Death Wish?"
"He took the law into his own hands as I recall," Frank looks at Jamie as Henry nods.
"Point taken," Jamie softly groans.
"Get used to it kid," Danny gently pokes Jamie in the ribs; forcing his frown to be replaced with a soft smile.
"I hope I can stay up for Walking Tall," Erin remarks with a small yawn.
"Based on a true story," Danny reads the write up blurb.
"It has The Rock in it…that's good enough for me."
"What? You're a Dwayne the Rock Johnson fan?" Jamie looks at Danny and then at Erin.
"She likes his body," Danny teases his sister as he reaches for the box of Cannoli's. "Cannoli?" He offers her before she can offer a protest. They settle in to watch Death Wish; all of them adding their own comments about the cheesy acting and the fact that no real cop would do that and still be able to walk away in the end.
"See they had to let him get away to make the just as cheesy sequel," Danny smirks as Jamie finally pushes himself up from his brother's side; stretching slightly and heading for the kitchen. A few moments later, he hears a noise behind him and turns to see Danny hovering in the kitchen entrance a few feet away.
"Long day?" Danny lightly teases as he nears his youngest sibling.
"Dad just reminds me of the rules but never weighs in on this."
"He's like us…where do you think we got it?"
"Grandpa?"
"Him for sure."
"I nearly let him go Danny," Jamie looks at him with a serious expression. "I wanted to drop him…I just kept seeing him hitting grandpa over and over…and for a split second I wanted to do the world a favor."
"But you didn't did you?" Danny retorts.
"But I wanted to."
"And now you feel bad about that?"
"I spent most of the afternoon trying to convince myself that I was in the wrong for…" his voice trails off as he just mutters under his breath and heads for the sink to get a glass of water.
"Wrong for acting on emotion and instinct instead of by the rule book?"
"You've done it like a million times," Jamie huffs; his back still to Danny.
"Million huh. You sound like Linda or Erin," Danny lightly chuckles as Jamie looks at him with a weak expression. "Do you feel bad?"
"I should right? For wanting to let him fall…"
"Do you?" Danny presses again.
"Not at the moment. He's off the streets and won't hurt anyone for a long time," Jaime insists with a firm nod of his head.
"Then why are you in here stressing? Why are you now trying to second guess yourself. You did something not by the book and now are feeling the heat from it."
"What would you have done?"
"The same as you. Yeah I would have chased down the punk and kicked his ass a few times if I had the chance. But if he was hanging asking for help…I wouldn't have let him fall. That would be pure vengence and that's just evil. Sure I would have thought it after seeing the footage and stuff…but I wouldn't have done it."
"And would you have called it in before you took off after him?"
"Don't know…maybe, maybe not?"
"Have you ever not before?"
"Yes and spent my suspension thinking about what a dumb ass thing I did. Did I feel sorry about it? Not the act…I felt sorry for myself for not being at work the next day. I think that's what you miss the most right?"
"I do, but I get it."
"And dad just wants to remind you of that."
"What about dad? Think he would have called it in?"
"He's human too. I think he's scarier now than when he was your age in the uniform. Remember he has friends in low places," Danny smirks. "What's this really about?"
"Doesn't it ever affect you? You know getting into trouble for acting on your gut and…"
"And not by the book?" Danny finishes Jamie's statement; earning a nod from his younger brother.
"What about the personal stuff."
"You mean like nightmares…second guessing myself…going over the call details minute by minute to see what I could have done better or not at all?"
"Yeah."
"It does," Danny replies in truth. "Just I don't show it to you guys most of the time. That's what I have a wife for," he adds with a small smirk. "But trust me it affects me."
"And when you break the rules…" Jamie treads lightly, looking up to see Danny stiffen and then back down. "Never mind…"
"No what is it? When I break the rules…"
"Is dad ever on your case about it? Reminding you about what you did and making you feel…wrong."
"Like you're about to be grounded? You should be after that lame ass superman stunt you pulled."
"Hey I cleared the alley," Jamie quickly sputters in his defense as Danny's lips spread into a wide smile.
"Now you sound like me," Danny states proudly as he nears Jamie. "And yeah he is on my case about it. I just never tell you…any of you about that. Dad has to play the concerned commish in this case; you could have been killed you know that right? You missed that jump and you would have been instant road kill. If the perp had made it and had his gun ready you could still be dead. Your partner wasn't there. Today…yeah I went off on my own after the baddie but I knew my partner was there and would have my back. You left Vinny at the sandwich counter."
"He covered for me," Jamie sighs.
"You did the right thing at the end by calling it in but dad still has to put you through the ringer for the rest of it which wasn't right. You did good though."
"You think dad would have done the same?"
"Trust me dad wasn't a saint in his day; he's just not as vocal about it as grandpa is," Danny says with a small smile.
"Do you think I did the right thing?"
"I do. I would have done the same thing…I would have," Danny insists.
"You really think I'm like you?"
"Now why do you sound disappointed when you say that?" Danny deadpans with a mock heavy frown.
"No…no I'm not disappointed," Jamie rushes in haste as Danny moves in closer. "Just was surprised to hear you say it, that's all."
"Yeah and is that a good thing or a bad thing?" Danny prods.
"No I'm just…"
"Still don't know huh. Just for that…" Danny's arm shoots out and seizes Jamie around the neck and playfully pulls him closer. "Noogie time," he declares as he starts to muss up Jamie's short dirty blond locks.
"H-hey…" Jamie sputters with a laugh as he tries in vain to pull himself free.
"Now who's the awesomest big brother in the world?" Danny chuckles as he and Jamie dance in a light circle.
"Joe."
"Ohhhh," Danny mocks a hurt expression as he holds on Jamie's laughing and struggling frame. "Try again or you're gonna have a sore neck tomorrow rookie."
"Dan-ny," Jamie groans.
"Who?" Danny laughs as they play wrestle a bit longer.
XXXXXXXX
"Now that's the sound I like to hear," Henry comments as he reaches for another Cannoli. "Sounds like Danny's winning…at something."
"They both are," Frank comments with a warm smile.
"Doesn't it bother you that Jamie is becoming more and more like Danny?" Erin dares to inquire as she looks at her father in wonder.
"Bother him?" Henry pipes up. "After Danny said that I haven't seen a smile like that in a few weeks."
"It's a good thing…for both of them," Frank nods as he casts a glance at the kitchen and then turns back to Erin with a firm expression. "Now…who's ready for the second showing?"
"Me!" Four voices chime at once as Jamie and Danny return to the living room and slump right back down into the couch where they were previously.
Jamie slightly twists his head and looks at Danny with a small smile. He had looked up to Joe when Joe was alive; telling himself he was more like Joe than Danny by far. But as the years have passed he now realizes that its Danny's very vocal influence that he's being molded to. And in his mind that's just where he wants to be. He looks over at his father and finally basks in a smile of approval before turning back to the movie; about half hour later his body sagging into Danny's and then not being long after are both asleep; slumped closer together.
"You're right…they are the same," Erin lightly teases as Frank looks at her with a smile.
THE END!
A/N: yay love my boys! I am so sorry I haven't posted much this season but RL has been ganging up on me *eeks* I feel a bit rusty but hope I still have the two way between our boys in character but I hope you all liked this and please do review before you go and thanks so much!