AN: A lot of the beginning is taken from the actual book New Moon. I added a few things here and there, but 99% of it is from the actual book. Everything else after the ~2 Weeks Later~ is my own writing.
I knew as soon as he told me we needed to talk that something was wrong. I ignored the sick feeling in my stomach and nodded, not questioning him as he led us into the woods. Every step I took felt like I was walker deeper and deeper into thick snow, and it was hard to keep my breathing even as my heart hammered violently against my chest. I knew Edward could hear it, but he says nothing. I didn't either. I didn't know what to say or even think. All I knew was that something bad was about to happen.
When we finally stop, Edward let's go of my hand and takes a few steps forward. I stayed where I was and stared at his back, waiting for his words to leave his mouth. He still doesn't say anything, and I was too impatient, too anxious to keep waiting. "Okay, let's talk," I said, sounding braver than what I felt.
He took a deep breath before turning around and said, "Bella, we're leaving."
My heart stopped. "What? Why now? Another year-"
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks? After all, Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."
His answer confused me. I thought the point of leaving was to let his family live in peace. Why did we have to leave if they were going? I stared at him, trying to understand what he meant. He stared back coldly. With a roll of nausea, I realized I'd misunderstood.
"When you say we-," I whispered.
"I mean my family and myself." Each word separate and distinct.
I shook my head back and forth mechanically, trying to clear it. He waited without any sign of impatience. It took a few minutes before I could speak.
"Okay," I said. "I'll come with you."
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going...It's not the right place for you."
"Where you are is the right place for me."
"I'm no good for you, Bella."
"Don't be ridiculous." I wanted to sound angry, but it just sounded like I was begging. "You're the very best part of my life."
"My world is not for you," he said grimly.
"What happened with Jasper-that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" The memory flashed through my head quickly, but I saw every detail as though I was reliving it again. I'm glad Edward can't read my mind or else it would have made this situation much worse.
It happened three days ago on Friday, my birthday. One tiny scratch was all it took for Jasper to go berserk and almost attack me. Edward made it worse when he had flung me across the room, causing me to hit a table full of glass, which then caused more blood to spill from me. I needed to get stitches, but other than that I was fine. A little shaken, but fine. Alice filled me in later on how terribly sorry and devastated Jasper felt and I don't blame him for a second.
"You're right," Edward agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"
"As long as that was best for you," he interrupted to correct me.
"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" I shouted, furious, the words exploding out of me-somehow it still sounded like a plea. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you-it's yours already! It was yours from the moment I laid my eyes on you! It was yours last week when we-"
"I know what we did," he interrupted again, his voice sounding hard, almost angry, but also pained.
"Then say it," I demanded. "Out loud. Say it!"
"When we had sex."
"No," I shook my head, "we didn't just have sex. We made love!" I don't know how I finally managed to convince him that I was ready, but I did, and he was gentle, oh so gentle. Charlie was working the late night shift, so it was just Edward and I at the house. One thing led to another and...it happened. And it was wonderful. It was everything I could ever hope for. I did have bruises though, bruises that are still faintly there on my skin, but are almost completely gone.
He took a deep breath and stared, unseeingly, at the ground for a long moment. His mouth twisted the tiniest bit. When he finally looked up, his eyes were different-harder. Like the liquid gold had frozen solid.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.
There was a pause as I repeated the words in my head a few times, sifting through them for their real intent. "You...don't..want me?" I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.
"No."
"Well, that changes things." I was surprised by how calm and reasonable my voice sounded. It must be because I was so numb. I couldn't realize what he was telling me. It still didn't make any sense.
He looked away into the trees as he spoke again. "Of course, I'll always love you...in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm...tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." He looked back, and the icy planes of his perfect face were not human. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."
"Don't." My voice was just a whisper now; awareness was beginning to seep through me, trickling like acid through my veins. "Don't do this."
He just stared at me, and I could see from his eyes that my words were far too late. He already had.
"You're not good for me, Bella." He turned his earlier words around, and o I had no argument. How well I knew that I wasn't good enough for him.
I opened my mouth to say something, and then closed it again. He waited patiently, his face wiped clean of all emotion. I tried again. "If...that's what you want." He nodded once.
My whole body went numb. I couldn't feel anything below the neck.
"I would like to ask one favor though if that's not too much," he said.
"Anything," I vowed, my voice faintly stronger.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," he ordered, no longer detached. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"
I nodded helplessly.
He seemed to relax just a little. "And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."
My knees must have started to shake because the trees were suddenly wobbling. I could hear the blood pounding faster than normal behind my ears. His voice sounded farther away. He then smiled gently. "Don't worry. You're human. Your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind. I suppose that's everything I have to say."
I was dizzy; it was hard to concentrate as his words swirled around in my head.
"Goodbye, Bella," he said in the same quiet, peaceful voice.
"Wait!" I choked out the word, reaching for him, willing my deadened legs to carry me forward.
He stepped away from me, making me freeze in my tracks. "Take care of yourself. I hope your future...your life...is a good one."
There was a light, unnatural breeze, causing my eyes to close as the force, and when I opened them…
He was gone.
~2 Weeks Later~
For two weeks straight, all I've felt was...well…pretty much everything. At the same time though, I've also felt excruciatingly numb. Perhaps feeling everything all at once causes that. My heart ached like it never has before. I felt sadness, anger, and betrayal at Edward and his family for leaving. I felt embarrassment due to me passing out in the woods, which caused my dad to send out a search party, thus resulting in me being found by Sam Uley. I felt guilty for being the reason why the Cullens left earlier than intended. I felt a little relieved that they did, I felt...free, which caused me to feel guilty some more.
I shouldn't be relieved. I shouldn't feel free. I was always free. They never trapped me or manipulated me or brainwashed me. I never did anything against my will. If anything, it was me or was trying to force them to do something they didn't want to do. I was the one who wanted to be a vampire. None of them wanted that kind of life for me. I was the one who wanted sex; Edward didn't. I pressured him into it. Oh god, I'm worse than Mike. Edward either slept with me because he felt guilty that he was being a bad boyfriend or he did it because I was being an annoying, whiny brat.
And now that they're gone, I finally realize that that is exactly how I was acting the entire time. Maybe that's the real reason why they left. It wasn't because I was human or because people were starting to question Carlisle's age. It was because I was being an annoying brat.
This is where I feel self-hate. I should have acted better. I should have been more considerate of their feelings. God, I'm so stupid. So incredibly stupid. What was I even thinking?
I should have known it was never going to work out between us. I was being selfish the entire time. What I wanted was something they didn't want. I wanted what they have, and they want what I have: a normal, human life. At the same time though, they should have respected my wish. Ugh, it doesn't matter anymore. I never should have gotten myself caught up in all that vampire bullshit. I wish I never met Edward, but...at the same time I don't.
I'm glad I don't have to deal with it anymore because now I'm no longer a burden. However, at the same damn time I'm not glad because I lost a group of people who I considered to be my family. I didn't just break up with Edward; I broke up with his family too. I never viewed them as monsters. I saw them as the family I never had. Charlie and Renee...I love them, but...they couldn't give me what I needed. The whole reason why I wanted to become a vampire wasn't so I could stay young forever, although that was one factor. It was so I could be a part of their family.
But now I never will and...it's tearing me apart. Knowing that I'll never see Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and even Rosalie hurts me more than knowing I'll never see Edward again. How can I miss Edward more than them? After everything we've been through, he never truly cared. He made that pretty clear when he left me in the fucking woods. But the others...surely they did. Even Rose. I know they cared for me. So why didn't they say goodbye? Unless they just played me too like Edward did.
This is where I feel paranoia. Was I being played the entire time? Was this all part of their plan?
But you know, maybe them leaving really is for the best. I don't think so because now my life is literally crumbling, but perhaps it is. It's just as Edward said...my wounds will heal in time. But...how long will that take?
"Bells? You there?" I hear Jake say from the other side of my bedroom door.
I'm currently sitting in my rocking chair, staring at my bed where Edward and I had- "I'm here." I call out to him before the memory of our passionate night could play in my mind.
I didn't move from my spot as Jake opened my door and walked inside. He was about to smile when he saw me, but his lips were quick to turn into a frown. "Fuck, Bella. You look like shit."
I would have laughed if I had the energy. Instead, I send him a weak, forced smile. "Thanks. That's the best compliment I've ever received." I expected him to chuckle or say something witty, but instead he goes to my closet and starts picking out some clothes.
"Um...what are you doing?" I asked, still not bothering to get up.
"I'm getting you clothes. Duh." He replied.
"Yeah, but why?"
He turns around and throws a shirt and a pair of pants at me. I didn't even bother to dodge them as they hit me in the face.
"Not sorry for that," Jake says, grinning. "Now hurry and get changed. You've been in this house for way too long. You need to get out."
"And go where exactly?" I asked as I set the clothes aside. "What are you even doing here?"
"I'm here to rescue you, of course." He said in a duh tone. "Just as I said, you need to get out of this house. As to where we're going, we're headed back to my house."
"So," I start as I finally get up. My legs felt wobbly from all the sitting I've been doing. "You want to drag me out of my house to take me to another house?"
"Not just any house," Jake says, chuckling. "It's my house."
"And what are we going to do at your house?" I asked, hoping he didn't realize that I'm stalling.
"I was hoping you'd help me out with the Rabbit and two motorcycles I got the other day," Jake explained, and for the first time in two weeks I laughed.
"You are aware that all I do is sit and watch, right?" I say, shaking my head at him for even thinking I'd be good help. "You're the one who does all the work."
Jake's eyes lit up and he waves me off. "Nah," he said, smiling as he leaned against the frame of my closet, crossing his arms. "You help out too by handing me tools that I need. Plus, I love having you around."
I nodded. "Yeah, I love having you around too, Jake." But it was a different love compared to his.
I know he has a major crush on me, but I've never saw him in that way. I've always saw him as a brother because we grew up together before my parents split. Maybe when I'm ready, when I've finally moved on from Edward, I can give him a chance. I know he'll make me happy. I know he'll treat me far better than Edward ever has, but right now is not the right time. It's too soon. I'm not ready for another relationship. I'm always going to fear another heartache. Whether it be mine or his. Because while I know Jake would never hurt me, I thought the same thing about Edward...and look how that turned out. I do not want that to happen again. And while I may hate Edward for causing me so much pain, I still love him too. Which wouldn't be fair to Jake at all if I were to get into a relationship with him so soon. I don't want to lead him on either, but...I can't just ignore him.
Although, that's pretty much what I've been doing these last 2 weeks.
I just hope that, if I ever did move on, that Jake will still be there. I know it's selfish of me for wanting him to wait for me when there's a good chance I'll never move on, but...that's just who I am. I'm Bella the Selfish Bitch. I guess I'm not too selfish though. If I was really selfish I'd jump right into the relationship that Jake wants only because I know it would be a distraction for me. Something for me to focus on instead of the pain. Or maybe it would just cause me more pain.
All I know is that Jake is all the happiness I have left. I love Charlie, but he doesn't give me the same warmth that Jake does.
"I'll wait for you outside in your truck," Jake said, and I nod.
I then stop him from walking out when a sudden thought crosses my mind. "Hey, wait, how did you even get here?"
"I ran." He answers and sends me a wink before walking out.