Notes:
So this is my first angsty fic. Or at least I tried to make it angsty. Is it angsty? Is it any good? I would love to know, and I would love to get help at making it even better, so leave a comment telling me what you think.
Sorry for any mistakes on the spelling or the grammar. If you find any just tell me and I'll fix them
Chapter one
Alec couldn't take it. He couldn't the pain of sorrow, he prefered the physical one. That was why there were now four straight lines from his wrist to the crook of his elbow.
He knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew he was weak. The tears streaming down his face and the cuts on his arms proved that, but he didn't stop because of it though, if anything it just motivated him.
He took the dagger and cut one more line into his skin. The pain was burning in his arm, but at least it wasn't in his chest, because those feelings were a lot worse.
Alec hadn't done this in a while. Not since he met Magnus. But after his parents telling him what they really thought about him he just broke.
His siblings hadn't really helped. All they did was tell him to ignore them. "They will come around." Jace had said. But he hadn't been there. He hadn't seen their faces while they were yelling. He played strong for his siblings, he didn't need them thinking, knowing, he was weak, but the second they left he was in his room with the door locked and a dagger in his could still hear his parents yelling in his head.
"You're such a disappointment!"
One cut. Disappointment.
"You're not worthy of our family name!"
Another cut. Not worthy.
"You being with that warlock is disgusting!"
A third one. Disgusting.
"You're just a failed first experiment!"
Yet another one. Failure.
"I hate you!"
The 5th cut. Hate.
And Alec started sobbing. He knew his parents weren't pleased with him, but he had never expected them to hate him.
And it just kept going. Alec didn't even notice someone knocking at the door through his sobbs. He didn't hear anyone scream his name. He was falling through and endless darkness of his parents words.
Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure. Hate.
His parents voice was all he heard. He didn't hear when his door flew open and someone came running in. All he could hear was his parents.
Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure. Hate.
He barely felt it when a warm hand was laid on his cold shoulder and the dagger dragged out of his hands. He didn't notice anything before he saw blue sparks dance over his arm.
"Don't" Alec said through his sobs as he pulled his arm out of Magnus' grip. Magnus stopped and looked up at Alec, a confused look on his face.
"I deserve it." Alec forced out. He was trying to calm his breath, he had managed to stop sobbing. "I deserve the pain." He said as if to explain. Now that he wasn't sobbing he just wanted Magnus to go away. Or to understand why he was doing it. He didn't want anyone to try and stop him.
"I deserve the pain and the hate and the disappointment. I deserve all of it. I'm just a failure." Magnus looked taken aback. Fear, worry and sadness in his eyes.
"The only thing you deserve is happiness, Alexander. Happiness and love." He said. Then he took Alec's arm in his hand again. Alec pulled it back. "You don't deserve any of this." Magnus said. "And you most certainly do not deserve hate or disappointment." He tried to convince Alec. But Alec wasn't easy to convince.
"Yes I do, Magnus. Everyone hates me. My parents, Izzy, Jace, everyone, and I deserve their hate." Magnus flinched at that.
"I don't hate you." He said.
"Not yet, but you will get tired of me. Everyone does eventually." Magnus almost looked hurt. Almost.
"Nobody can get tired of you Alexander. You're way to amazing for that." He paused to think for a moment, choosing his words carefully. "Jace and Isabelle don't hate you. They're trying to help you, but they can't do that if you don't open up." Magnus took Alec's hand in his, and this time Alec let him. But when Magnus went to heal his arm he stopped him again.
"Izzy and Jace may not hate me, but my parents do." Magnus sighed.
"Your parents are… They're still trying to wrap their minds about you being gay. They don't hate you, they're just confused." Alec shook his head. Both to deny what Magnus was saying and to shake his parents voices away from his head. They were starting to drown him again.
"They didn't look so confused when they were yelling at my face that I'm a failure and that they hate me." The tears started streaming down his face again. Alec dried them quickly away.
Magnus looked shocked, but that didn't stop him from talking. "So maybe your parents do hate you, there are still a lot of people that love you Alexander, so don't focus on the ones that don't." But that just made more tears stream down Alec's face.
"You're being just like Iz and Jace!" He said while trying to dry away the tears before they even left his eyes. "Telling me to ignore them like it's that easy! If I could ignore them I would!" He sounded angry now, but all that anger disappeared as quickly as it came. "Why can't people just get that?" He asked, desperation in his voice. You could hear by his voice that Alec Lightwood was falling apart.
"I get it Alexander." Magnus said silently. "I get it perfectly. I've been there myself." Magnus started dragging up his sleeves. "See." He said as he pointed out a few almost invisible lines on his arms. "I know exactly how you're feeling. I know that feeling the pain from the cuts is so much easier than feeling pain from the sorrow, but I also know that it's addictive, and one day you'll find yourself on a rooftop, ready to jump down and you won't even occur to you that some people love you and some people will miss you." Magnus took a deep breath. "I will miss you Alexander. And so will Isabelle and Jace. And Clary and Simon too. There might not be very many people that love you Alexander, but the ones that do love you with all their heart."
Alec just shook his head. He didn't believe him. Nobody could love him. He heard his parents yelling at him again.
Disappointment. Not worthy. Disgusting. Failure. Hate.
That was what everyone thought of him. If he opened his eyes and looked into Magnus' he knew what he was going to see. Disappointment, disgust and hate.
But then he opened his eyes and looked into Magnus'. Magnus had let the glamours down, so he was staring straight at his real eyes, and all he could see was honesty. Honesty and worry and sadness and love. He could see love in Magnus' eyes. Love directed to him. Love Magnus felt for him. Someone did love him. Magnus loved him, and even if Jace and Izzy didn't show it all the time they did love him too. The only ones that didn't love him were his parents, but he could live with that. Magnus loved him enough for three. As did Jace and Izzy.
"You're right." Alec mumbled. He looked at Magnus. "You're right, they don't hate me." He said as he pulled Magnus into a hug. He buried his face in Magnus shoulder.
"Of course not darling." Magnus pulled back. "Can I heal this now?" He said as he took Alec's hand in his and turned it so the cuts were facing up. Alec nodded, and barely a second later blue sparks were flying around his arm. Alec felt the pain disappear as the cuts slowly closed.
Once he was finished Magnus sighed. "Let's go home, shall we?" He asked as he stood up. Alec nodded again. Magnus took Alec's hand and pulled him out the door. Again, Alec didn't notice anything around him except for Magnus' hand leading him through the institute. He didn't notice Izzy and Jace's questioning looks when they passed them. He didn't notice Magnus shaking his head at them and dragging him along before they got the chance to say anything.
All he noticed was Magnus' hand holding onto him like an anchor, keeping him away from hell like and angel, giving him air when he felt like he was drowning. He didn't notice they were home before Magnus' hand left his. He barely noticed Magnus taking off his clothes and tucking him into bed. He didn't sleep before hours later when Magnus joined him. Only when he had those strong arms around his waist could he finally sleep.