How to Please a Woman, by Dickfart
"Are you certain this will work?" Vegeta asked, standing naked in the middle of the room while Bulma pointed a shrink ray at him. She built it herself.
"Well, it's better than the ol' five seconds of snatch and snore that have been happening lately."
"You told me you finished!" said Vegeta indignantly. The transmitter in his ear made a sudden ear-piercing shrill, and he snarled. "Is that supposed to happen?"
"Oh, shut you. You big baby," said Bulma, then locked on to Vegeta's crotch and proceeded to shrink him balls first. He held up his balled fists in pure outrage.
"Curse you, woman!" Vegeta yelled, sounding like a chipmunk. By the time he was the size of a grain of rice, he sounded like a gnat.
"Ooooo Kaaaaay Hoooonnn eeeeeey flllyyyyyyy uuuuuup myyyyyyyy beeeeeeau tiiiiiiifffffffff ulllll puuuuuu ssssssssyyyyyyyy," groaned the enormous mountain region that made up his wife. If it weren't so pristine, and also his wife, this would be an ideal place to do battle with Cell and Frieza.
Vegeta had no time to fool around, though, because he needed to be fooling around with his woman. This trip was both work and pleasure. Her cave of wonders stood proud before the Saiyan prince, moist, imposing, and deserving of his eternal gratitude. He landed on her clitoris, got on his hands and knees, and kissed her soft flesh. He also bowed, chanted, and worshiped this holy land. His wife was his temple. He conjured a blutz wave and placed it on her bean before taking off. The sound she made was like t-rexes fucking. Vegeta assumed that was a good thing and moved right along.
Then he flew downward into the valley of the labia majora, eyes peeled for the vaginal opening as he navigated the forest of pubic hair. The walls below constricted back and forth, making the prince dizzy and disoriented. The heat and humidity were no joke either. This terrain was absolutely hostile, more ideal for training and sparring than the gravity chamber.
He was so tiny right now that he could hear the microbes prowling through the forest. Then an army flank of lice encountered him, guns at the ready.
"Halt. Who goes there?" said Louse 241.
"It is I, Prince Vegeta! I suppose you pests must be responsible for the itch in my pants lately."
"Who wants ta know?" said Louse 274.
"You won't live long enough to know the answer," said Vegeta, smirking arrogantly as he showered the flank in energy blasts. He caught them all square in the chest without even breaking a sweat, all but one lonely grunt in the back whose knees were quivering.
"P-p-p-p-please don't kill me. I didn't want to fight ya. Honest! I was drafted! Taken hostage, practically. Oh, won't you please let me g-"
Vegeta swooped in and kicked his head clean off.
"Oops. My foot slipped," said Vegeta, a cheeky grin on his face, a guffaw in his soul. Then Bulma's voice shrieked into his transmitter and ruined the whole moment.
"Are you there yet? What's taking so long?"
"Damn woman! I can hear you! Don't shout!"
Vegeta exploded off, sinking deeper and deeper into the valley below into the labia minora. It was dark. It was damp. It was flesh on flesh from here on out. Up this close it reminded Vegeta of bologna. And sex. With cheese. And mayo.
"There it is!" said Vegeta, laughing maniacally as he entered the deep, dark flesh cavern. "I'm inside, woman. Tell me where to go."
"OK, Vegeta. You'll find a spongy area of skin above you about a mile in. If you run into a wall of flesh with a hole in it, you've gone too far. That's my cervix."
"So?" said Vegeta. "I thought women take pleasure in having their cervix penetrated."
"A lot of men think that," said Bulma. "They're all wrong and should have to lick their own belly button for it. Especially if they're fat and covered in hair.
"Now pay attention. There are a lot of bacterial microbes and antibodies. They will consume your flesh if you're not careful."
"Like I'd let that stop me!" said Vegeta, who was like a kid in a candy store. Everywhere he looked were savage creatures picking at their kills. Millions and billions and trillions of dead sperm cells rotting at the base of Bulma's cooch, and Vegeta laughed at them all mercilessly.
"You were all unworthy candidates for Saiyan royalty." Vegeta laughed and fired up some energy blasts to torch their corpses.
"Oh!" said Bulma. "Whatever that was, keep doing it!"
"Very well," said Vegeta, blasting the area more and more, filling it with his super saiyan essence. This caught the attention of the local microbes, and they were most displeased.
"You have violated these sacred walls for the last time," said their leader, Lord Crieza. It was like Frieza and a bottle of Elmer's glue fucked and made that thing. Vegeta was most pleased. He had a chance to kill a Frieza look-a-like AND make his wife come. Vegeta was a true man.
Until Goku came in suddenly with a Ka-Me-Ha-Me-Ha wave and stole his kill, blasting Lord Crieza clear through the skull.
"Hey Vurgeeter," said Goku, pulling a hot pocket out of his hot pocket and eating it. Vegeta smacked it out of his hand. Goku was sad. It was the meatball and mozzarella kind.
"WHY ARE YOU HERE?" said Vegeta.
"I thought you could use a little help," said Bulma. "So I told Goku to get in there and show you how it's done."
"Show ME how it's done?" said Vegeta, enraged. "I'LL SHOW HIM HOW IT'S DONE! YOU SENT KAKAROT, THE MORON WHO COULDN'T FUCK HIS WAY OUT OF A WET PAPER BAG, LET ALONE KISS HIS OWN WIFE?"
"Well, OK. Got me there. The truth is, Chichi begged me to send him..." Bulma admitted. "You both either need to find the g-spot, or get eaten by microbes. Either way, hurry up! I have to go to work today and I NEED to be glowing with sexual satisfaction or I'll be really upset, buster!"
"What do you said, Vegeta? Friends?" said Goku, holding out his hand to shake.
Vegeta turned and flew away.
Will Vegeta and Goku find the g-spot before Bulma has to go to work?
Will the creature known as Lord Crieza make a come back?
Will the their be an earth to return to at the end of sex?
All these answers and more, on the next exciting episode of
DRAGON
BALL
Z!