Peridot fixes a car

A Steven Universe fanfic

"Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics will not take an interest in you." - Pericles

"Hahahaha! I get the joke now!" - Peridot

Disclaimer:

This story is based on Steven Universe (surprise!), a hit cartoon series created by Rebecca Sugar.

Rating is M for mature and/or suggestive themes and a small amount of foul language.

This is a tale full of contradictions and endless rambling, rich in provocation and mystery. Not all of the events in this story have come to pass. But they may. Be warned...

Note: Although there won't be excessive violence, extreme angst or nonsense like that, there's (hopefully) enough shenanigans that will take readers out of their comfort zones.

Enjoy the story!

Chapter 1: Ask not what this planet can do for you...

"I might as well start somewhere, or I will never get this done," Peridot said to herself. She had already gone through all the necessary preparations. And true enough, a portion of the barn had been converted into an improvised automobile repair shop. Between two shelves full of tools, spare parts and manuals, the patient awaited silently.

"This is you now, Peridot. Once a war mechanic, now a car mechanic! Me, Peridot, the Peridot, Homeworld's former number one kindergartener turned traitor, a castaway living on Earth. Here I stand, deprived of the company of the Homeworld gem elite and my limb enhancers..."

Peridot's thoughts were interrupted by a loud bang, a thud and a slightly annoyed oomph. It was the sound of Amethyst tripping on an empty jerry can. For a split second Peridot thought about admonishing her friend for the interruption, but then her thoughts turned to Amethyst's gem. Peridot spun around to see that Amethyst was already picking herself up from the floor, but it didn't mean that her gem was undamaged. "Amethyst! Are you ok? Your gem... is it...?"

"Oh, Peridot, I'm fine," Amethyst replied. "But what is all this? You've turned the barn floor into a minefield? Hm, actually it's kind of cozy around here. What's this thing anyway?" she asked, holding the jerry can which had so horribly tripped her.

"It's what humans call a jerry can. I think it's named after its inventor. It usually holds gasoline. However, that one is just a prop," explained Peridot.

"What's the deal with that?" Amethyst asked.

Peridot crossed her arms and smiled, attempting to look like Superman. "Well, an auto repair shop needs to look believable. It needs to be well organized and tidy... but not too tidy. I can't have the barn looking like we're growing biodynamic food around here. Even if we are. But this isn't McDonalds! This is Peridot's Auto Repair Gourmet - Obsolete models our specialty!"

"Auto repair shop, huh? Are you working on something right now, Periscope?" Amethyst inquired.

"You bet," came Peridot's reply. She turned and pointed at an enormous limousine behind her. "Observe! This vehicle is a technological masterpiece - by human standards, at least - the Flint Automotive Industry League 8001! A car fit even for the diamonds. Well, figuratively speaking, anyway. It takes you from Cape Verde to North Pole in half a week. It never breaks down... except this one. An impressive vehicle with an equally impressive owner. My task, as it is, is to find out exactly what..."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure that's fascinating," Amethyst interrupted. Peridot looked hurt - or was she faking? Amethyst couldn't tell, but decided to continue in a friendlier tone: "Just tell me what I can do to help you." After all, it was nice to find Peridot being helpful, not just to the Gems, but to the residents of Beach City. Amethyst assumed that the car belonged to Mayor Dewey. She hadn't noticed that the license plates gave away the fact that the car was registered to a different state.

Peridot was mollified by the offer. "Great! I'll let you know if... hmm. Can you dispose of waste oil? I want to be thorough, so I will perform an oil change, in addition to other repairs."

"Sure! I'll just dump it into the sea," said Amethyst with a straight face.

"Good, good! I shall just make one log entry... oh! I remembered what I forgot to do." Peridot quickly dashed inside the car and produced a plastic container, handing it to a confused Amethyst. "Take this to Lapis upstairs, and ask her to put it in the safe."

"You have a safe now?"

"Yes. Any valuables and personal effects that my customers might have accidentally left in their vehicles must be kept in a safe place." With that, Peridot started to fiddle with her iPad(tm) to make a log entry.

"Peridot, just so you know, I was kidding about dumping oil into the sea... I'll just drink it. As usual." Amethyst thought about adding 'thanks for caring about the environment' but decided against it. Sometimes, a good joke (or a bad one) was simply wasted on Peridot, especially if her mind was really occupied with something. There would be plenty of opportunities to get a funny reaction out of her (a practice also known as pranking or trolling) later.

Once Amethyst had gone, Peridot started recording:

"Log entry, 15th of June, 2016. Wait, scratch that. Director's log... captain's log... chief mechanic's log... no, no! Bah, I'll just re-record that part. I can edit it later. Clod's log, 15th of June, ah hah hah, he he! Clod! Ahem.

I am ready to begin my task of fixing an Earth automobile. Amethyst... my friend... hmm. My second best friend Amethyst has offered to help me. I am slightly unsure why it's so hard to begin. Am I nervous that I might break this vehicle in the process? Is it because of the unusual circumstances? Or is it just too sunny outside?

Am I taking an active role in Earth matters now? Am I developing future vision, similar to what Garnet has? She would probably advice against installing any kind of gem technology into this vehicle, so I guess have to fix it the Earth way.

Hm, I guess Steven and Lapis share the first place on my list of friends. Note to self: must think about that later.

It's good that I'm not working under an unforgiving deadline, like when I was building the anti-cluster geospace drill. I will have time for a proper test drive. Since I lack a driver's permit, I will stay away from the main roads. I'm glad I didn't mention this little detail to my first customer."

She paused the recording for a while, hesitating. "Well, why not?" she decided, and pressed the record button again.

"Ahem. I also have an interesting theory to test. I have observed the human called Greg lately. He sometimes sings when he's performing tasks that clearly don't offer him intellectual challenges. Are they rock songs? Perhaps they improve efficiency? Every gem knows that music, especially a song can be a powerful tool. Well, instead of rock songs, I wish try out gem songs.

I have decided that in order to minimize the risks, I will only sing during the least critical phases of my work. I shall stop if I make even the tiniest of mistakes. End log entry."

Peridot slid a vat under the car's engine and popped the hood. "Do. Re. Mi. Fa. Mu. Pi. Rho. Tau. Ga. Perfect!

She then began to recite a song that depicted the hard but rewarding life of Earth gem miners. The song conjured images of pick axes, endless dark tunnels illuminated by lanterns and torches, filled with glittering riches...

"Heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho heigh ho heigh ho... la-dee-dah, we dig up pearls, by the score... a thousand clods, maybe more... oh, rats... Earth pearls don't grow in mines. Bah! This isn't exactly a ticket to Nashville, wherever that is."

Peridot gave a sigh. "By the stars, this is difficult. Hey, there's an idea! I know most of the lyrics to The Star-Spangled Banner! One, two, one two three four. Oh say, can you see..."

Meanwhile, on the upper floor of the barn, Amethyst looked around. She spotted the safe under a table, and resisted the urge to try to open it herself. Lapis Lazuli, the water princess was nowhere to be seen. It figured: as Peridot and Lapis had tapped into Greg Universe's bank account, they had all but completely rebuilt the barn. As a result, it stood bigger and stronger than ever before.

The meep morps that Lapis and Peridot had proudly showed to Amethyst and Steven were rearranged... and oh! There, next to a hole in the wall was a new one! It was statue of a monkey, holding a spyglass.

"Now what do we have here?" thought Amethyst. "Hmm, there's a plaque on the base of the statue. What does it say? Big Sister is watching you! Aren't you happy?! Aww, that's so sweet! Oh, wait, there's more. Made by Peridot... yadda yadda yadda... please do not move spyglass without permission... press the button to make the monkey scratch its back. Oh, it's one of those interactive meep morps, just like 'Make Abe pick his nose' statue. Cool! But what might Peridot be spying with this thing?"

Curious, Amethyst gazed through the spyglass. It was only then she noticed that the spyglass had been pointed at the top of the grain silo... and on the roof of the silo, Lapis Lazuli was working on her tan. "Well, this monkey definitely SEES things all right," laughed Amethyst. "Does it also DO things? Let's find out." She pressed the button, but unknowingly she also twisted it. As expected, the monkey scratched its back with its mechanic arm. The eyes of the monkey, however, lit up. "What the..." said Amethyst, as the powerful signal lights hidden inside the monkey's head started blinking. If the series of blinks were written into a Morse code, it would be something like this:

... - -. . -.- / .. / .- - / ... - - .

From her roof, Lapis saw the blinking lights. She got up, sprouted wings and flew to the barn. Still airborne, she started to swoop at the gem she thought was her barn mate. "Oh, Peri, have you... oh, it's you Amethyst!" She made a perfect two point landing, and continued: "Looks like you test fired the 'I-want-attention-o-matic.' What brings you here?"

Amethyst, still puzzled by the meep morp monkey, replied: "Uh, hi Lazuli... I... oh, right. Peridot sent this container for you to put into the safe. Said it contains stuff that belongs to one of her customers. Well, her first customer, actually." She handed the container to Lapis.

"She must still be working then," said Lapis. Amethyst nodded. "Funny... I thought she would have completed her work by now. But I guess it figures. It is her first repair job on a human vehicle."

Amethyst noticed that Lapis smiled a little. "Well, the green bean bag sure has earned a lot respect from me, getting her hands dirty! I mean, I get my hands dirty all the time, but it's usually because of my hobbies. And my real job. You see, I'm a food critic!" Amethyst laughed at her own joke. "Just don't tell Peridot I praised her. Can't have her getting a big head just yet, you know?"

Lapis nodded and snickered. "Ok, but I don't see how she could get an even bigger head."

"Oh, speaking of food, I promised I'd take care of something. Don't leave, I wanna catch up with you on stuff and things. Be right back!"

With that, Amethyst ran downstairs. After a while, she returned, holding a 1.5 liter (0.396258 gallon) Coke bottle in her hand. It was full of waste oil. "This is Amethyst, keeping it classy! Wanna try some of this? There's plenty more downstairs" she asked Lapis.

"No thanks, I'm fine," Lapis replied.

"Well, bottoms up! Glu. Glu. Not bad, not bad at all..." Unusually, Amethyst hadn't emptied the whole bottle. Instead, she had taken a couple of gulps, and was now imitating a famous wine critic she had seen on TV. "Clearly this oil has been drilled at the Navarro Oil Company rig #2..." She took another sip. "Strange. There's definitely an aftertaste... maybe, maybe it's the Golden Sands oil field, '90 yield. It has obviously been refined at the plant which that Hollywood actor owns... or was it his brother? Well, no matter. I wonder if they put some booze in this."

"You can tell all that just by tasting? My, what a Sherlock Holmes you are," Lapis complimented.

"Yep, that's me, Amethyst the awesome. Now then... has asked you to join the wonderful world of blue collar work?"

"Not really... but oh! Good thing you reminded me. She asked me to create her a business card. So... I guess that's not exactly a blue collar task."

"A business card, eh? Any cool ideas?" asked Amethyst.

"No... But I think I saw a business card in the customer's belongings. I think I'll take a look."

"You sure she's okay with that?"

"Don't worry, business cards are meant to be looked at. They apparently make humans and their businesses seem important, even though the really good ones thrive perfectly without cards. I guess trading them is a human tradition." Lapis opened the safe and started searching through the container. "Ah, here's one! Yes... the design is simple and kind of stylish. What do you think, Amethyst?" she asked, handing the card to Amethyst. "If I just design a cool logo for dear Peridot... Amethyst, what's wrong?"

Amethyst looked at the card, then at Lapis, then at the card again. "Stay calm, girl," she thought to herself. Aloud she said: "I, uh, I think I shouldn't have downed all that oil after all... it doesn't seem to sit well with me." Technically, Amethyst was telling the truth. She WAS feeling ill. Handing the card back to Lapis, she said: "I think I'll just take the oil to a waste disposal facility. I'll feel better once I get some fresh air..."

"Are you sure you're ok? Should I carry you to the warp pad?" asked Lapis.

"I'm fine, but I think I'll avoid the warp pad. It's not a good idea to warp with an upset stomach. Trust me, I know. Sorry for running off like this. I'll see you guys later, ok?"

"Very well, then" Lapis sighed. "I could give you a lift, you know."

"No, thanks, but... I think I'll just enjoy some fresh air. With my feet on the ground, that is. I'll manage, really," Amethyst assured. "See you later, Cardiff City Bluebird!"

"Later, Orlando Laker!"

Hiking towards Beach City, Amethyst forced herself to calm down. She had learned that there were occasions when a gem warrior shouldn't jump headfirst into action. "Allright. You gotta be a little less like Sugilite, and little more like... Sherlock Holmes now. Or maybe Opal. This isn't only about me. Maybe it's not about me at all, and I can't cause trouble to Peridot now. Can't jump into conclusions. Can't make assumptions on HOW THAT BUSINESS CARD GOT THERE! HMPH!" She kicked a rock and sent it flying towards the sky. "Sorry, rock, but I'm a bit mad right now! What the... oh no, no, no, WATCH OUT!" Amethyst shouted with such force that even a krayt dragon would have panicked, for the deadly projectile was now flying towards a young boy and a girl who were walking towards her.

Time seemed to slow down for Amethyst. The rock that was about to hit the boy was stopped by... a shield? The shield deflected the rock directly upwards, and when it came down, it was easily caught by the girl. The shield disappeared. The girl tossed the rock on the side of the road. Amethyst stared at the humans. They stared back.

"Skills!" said Steven and Connie together, beaming with pride.

With tears in her eyes, Amethyst ran up to Steven and Connie. Falling to her knees, she hugged the children and started apologizing. "Steven, Connie, I am so sorry! I should have been more careful... if something happened to you..."

"Hey, Amethyst, we're ok. But why did you kick that rock? We could see that you were being upset about something."

Amethyst knew that it would be useless to come up with an excuse. It would be wrong, too, especially in this case. "Allright, then... um, are you on a picnic together?"

"No, we're trying to find civil war era relics with a metal detector," Connie said. "What about you?"

"I have enough junk in my room already. I'll tell you everything, but we need to stop by the temple real quick. We might have some planning to do."

"Planning? How come this sounds like a mission of some kind?" Steven asked.

"It just might be just that. A really heavy one," Amethyst replied, starting to get her smile back. "Part of me hopes that it isn't... but the other part is hoping that it is!"

Back at the barn, Peridot pressed the record button again and spoke to the tape recorder:

"Peridot's log, supplemental:

Saving this planet has cost me. But one day, I will be collecting what is mine.

My eventual goal must be the creation of a new set of limb enhancers. That will allow me to... um. Ahem.

I, Peridot, will stand tall and magnificent once again, and woe be those who stand in my way! Just like Sindri before me, I shall fashion weapons fit for the gods, or even for a Peridot!"

Author's notes, supplemental:

Oh my! What's up with Amethyst? Is it the oil? What will she tell Steven and Connie? Tune in for really obscure clues, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!

Feel free to SKIP the following wall of text. It's just some misc. stuff that didn't fit in the disclaimer.

This story takes place just before the evil little ice fairy and the Ivan Drago twins are sent to Beach City for their little shopping trip. Also, just like in the cartoon, there will be some amount of romantic fluff, not much, but if you want a story that focuses on that, make good use of those filters to find out what you're looking for.

In the show, there's more to the bad guys than pure malice. And for all the good that Rose Quartz did, her actions didn't come without some bad consequences, which Steven has to deal with. Things are often more complex than what they seem to be, and that's what I like about Steven Universe.

This fanfic started out as merely an attempt at parody, or at least a series of cheap jokes tied together with minimal amount of plot, with plenty of cultural and historical references thrown in. Don't be surprised to see people like Conan O'Brien make a guest appearance. Maybe there's an actual story, too.

Special thanks go to everyone created and spamm... shared SU artwork and fanfics around the internet - without you, I would never have watched the show.