The motel room was dark as Castiel walked in. He and the brothers were on a hunt in Nebraska, following what seemed to be a ghoul. The lousy motel they were staying at had only had single rooms available, so instead of their usual family room, they were now all sleeping separately. After their research that day they'd went out for dinner, and then Dean had pulled him and Sam along to a bar next to their motel. They'd had a few drinks, Dean had been flirting with the waitress (to Sam and Cas' annoyance), but since they had to get up early tomorrow, Castiel had went to his room a little early. Now he was human he needed to sleep, and it had turned out he needed more than an hour of five, like the brothers did.
Cas yawned, longing for a good nap, and walked towards the window to close the curtains. His window had a view at the other side of the motel, looking directly into the rooms opposite of his, most people had their curtains closed, but room 48 seemed to have forgotten so. Cas frowned. Dean had gotten 48. He still wasn't back from the bar?
Then Dean got into Cas' view. He was holding a girl, kissing her deeply, his hands buried in her hair. Cas froze, his eyes following them as he swallowed, feeling a little uneasy. He watched as Dean and the girl were making out, stumbling their way towards the small bed. Dean pulled off the girl's top as she undid his belt, and it didn't take long before all of their clothing lay forgotten on the ground.
Cas shifted, feeling uneasy, as Dean turned his back towards him, pushing the girl against the wall. Cas held his breath while he watched Dean's bare back, the muscles moving along with his movements against the girl.
She had wrapped her legs around the hunter's waist, and things were getting even more heated than before. Cas awkwardly held onto the curtain, feeling the urge to pull it shut, but somehow not being able to. He watched as Dean trailed his lips over the girl's shoulders and neck, still holding her up, moving their bodies together.
Castiel knew one thing for sure: humans didn't watch other humans having sex. What he didn't know, was why it made him feel so hurt. He was aware of Dean's escapades every now and then- it was a part of him that had always been there. When Cas had still been an angel, he'd wondered why very often. He couldn't quite grasp why Dean needed all those one-night stands, and one night, when he'd come to the brother's motel room for a visit and he'd only found Sam there, he'd asked him.
"Well…" Sam had started. He had suddenly gotten up and went to the fridge, grabbing a beer. "You want one?"
"Yes," Cas had said, and Sam had handed it to him as he sat down by the table, shoving his laptop out of the way.
"Look, Cas- I don't really know how to explain this to you, since… well, since, you're… a virgin."
Sam had looked very awkward, but Cas had just nodded, waiting for him to go on.
"It's just… I think Dean needs to feel loved. A little… connection, you know?" Sam had sighed. "It's weird talking about it like this, sorry. People think of Dean like a douchebag for sleeping around so much- hell, I've thought about him like that!" Sam had scoffed. "But that's not what Dean's looking for. He just wants to forget, every now and then. We all want to forget, don't we? And I think this is Dean's way." Sam had shrugged. "I don't suppose that makes him a bad person. He just needs to feel loved, even if it's just for a night." He shot Cas a sad smile.
"Then why don't you do the same?" Cas had asked.
"I never forget," Sam had answered softly, still that smile on his face, picking up his beer bottle.
It had stayed quiet after that.
At the time, Cas didn't really understand what Sam meant, but he did figure out these nights were kind of a big deal for Dean, so he'd decided to let it go.
He now watched the girl's nails dig into Dean's shoulders and how he'd put his hands around her waist, pulling her closer to him, their lips desperately meeting each other. Cas felt another sting of hurt in his heart, and for some reason his eyes seemed to burn.
Cas had forgotten about his conversation with Sam, until a few nights after the whole April thing had happened. He then understood what Sam had meant with forgetting. When Cas had been with April, everything had seemed to go away, and it had been like a timeless stream of happiness- no thoughts, just pleasure.
But Cas hadn't been thinking about April at the time. As her hands had moved over his body, softly tickling the back of his neck, he had closed his eyes, imagining Dean's hands doing the same. The night had been nice, but mainly because Cas had a good imagination. He'd never admitted it though, had just assumed it was normal for humans to long for people they couldn't have.
Because Dean would never be with Cas like that. Cas still didn't understand everything about humans, but he knew one thing for sure, and that was that Dean Winchester didn't have all those one night-stands with guys, let alone ex-angels.
He watched as the movements of Dean and the girl were becoming faster, more desperate, and he saw Dean throwing back his head, chest rising and falling fast, eyes closed, his lips moving, letting out words Cas couldn't hear. The girl rested against the wall, and Dean slowly put her down. Cas watched Dean cupping her face in his hands, giving her a soft kiss. They stood there, close together, and Cas felt nauseous. He –finally- turned his head away, actual tears in his eyes, pulling the curtain closed.
That night, Cas pressed his face in his cushion, feeling weight down by all these confusing feelings.
The next morning they were having breakfast at a small diner. Sam and Cas had gotten there first, both still a little sleepy, but after a while Dean came in to join them. Alone.
Cas felt himself stiffen, suddenly paying a lot more attention to his bagel.
"Morning, fellas!" Dean said cheerfully. Sam raised his cup of coffee in response. He wasn't a morning person.
"Looking good, Cas. What are you having?" Dean pointed at Cas' plate.
Cas ignored him. "Where's your company, Dean?" he said stiffly.
"Company?" Dean repeated, sounding baffled.
"Yes. From last night."
They now had gotten Sam's attention.
Dean looked completely stunned. "Why would I bring her for breakfast? It was just a one night thing." He grinned.
"Never mind," Cas muttered, taking a sip from his tea. Dean shot Cas a look and then raised his eyebrows at Sam, who shrugged at him.
The waitress came by their table, and Dean ordered his food, forgetting about Cas' weird behaviour.
As the morning continued, things didn't get better between Cas and Dean. Sam had went to the local library, looking up some of the lore, and Cas and Dean had dressed up as federal agents to do further investigations.
Cas answered all Dean's questions shortly though, and seemed to be ignoring him the rest of the time. Dean had gotten more and more frustrated, and as they walked out of the police station, he decided to confront Cas with it. Dean put an hand on his friend's shoulder, making him stop dead in his tracks.
"Cas, what's your problem?" Dean sounded irritated. "You're acting all weird today. Spill it out, man."
Cas turned around slowly. "My problem?"
"Yeah, your problem! Come on Cas, you're being all freaky with me. What's wrong?"
"My problem? My problem?" Cas started to sound angry. "You! You are my problem!" he yelled. "I saw you, last night. With that girl from the bar."
"So?" Dean shot back, sounding angry too now.
"So? So why can't you love me like that, Dean? Why? Why not?" Cas gave him a push. Dean didn't saw it coming and Cas had more force than he'd like to admit, and he fell against the wall.
"Wait, what?" Dean looked at him, not understanding what was happening. He tried to get up, but his mind was trying to wrap around what Cas had just said. "Cas? What are you talking about?"
"Damn it, Dean!" Cas felt so frustrated, and he hated himself for the tears that were leaking out of his eyes. "I am jealous, okay? I don't want you sleeping around. And I know, I know I will never be the one you'd want to hold close to you at night, and it's killing me. Okay? I love you, and it's not nice." Cas' shoulders fell. All the anger had suddenly gone away, and now he just felt empty. He'd probably just ruined everything. Dean was still staring at him, wide eyed, full of confusion.
"Cas?"
Cas ignored him, turned around and walked away, leaving Dean alone.
Dean felt overwhelmed but what just had happened. He watched Cas walking away, but didn't know what to do. Cas loved him, and he had hurt his feelings by sleeping with that girl from the bar. Dean felt something what felt like guilt in his stomach. It was just- Cas was an angel. Or, ex-angel. That he was a guy didn't bother Dean that much- he'd been into guys every now and then, ever since he was a teenager. It had never felt like a big deal to him, neither did those one night stands. It was nice to feel warm and safe for a couple of hours, but Dean had always tried not to get emotionally involved. Last night had been fun- but that was all it was.
With Cas, it was different. He'd known Cas for years now. Dean loved him too, and he hated himself for it. How could someone as messed up as he be in love with an angel? Dean had never even dared to dream for Cas loving him back, and yet, here they were. And he'd ruined his chance.
Dean yelled out in frustration, throwing a punch at the wall. They were putting everything at risk here, and he had all he'd ever wanted presented to him with a trench coat wrapped around it, and Dean had thrown it away.
But maybe it wasn't too late, Dean thought, as he got into the Impala to drive back to the motel. Maybe he could set things right.
Castiel was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering what he was going to do now. Could Dean get over it, and pretend like this had never happened? Cas felt anxiety rise in his chest as he thought about the alternative- leaving Sam and Dean and being alone again.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Cas froze.
"Cas?" he heard Dean ask. "Can I come in?"
Cas swallowed, and answered. "Yes." He got up, and opened the door.
Dean came in, standing a little awkwardly on front of him.
"Hey. I-" He sighed, moving his hand through his hair. "I'm sorry."
Cas frowned. "You're- why?"
"For last night, I guess." Dean shrugged. "If I'd known what you told me, I- I wouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."
Cas let out a bitter laugh. "Dean, what difference does it make? I'm not the one you'd want to be with. Don't try to make me feel better." He turned away from Dean.
"No, Cas, stop!" Dean said urgently. "Cas! It makes all the difference!" He put a hand on Cas' shoulder, pulling him around. "I'm freaking glad that you told me all this- hell, I'm blessed!" He stomped Cas' arm. "But why, why, would an angel want this?" He gestured towards his own body. "I'm broken, man. I suck. I'm good for one-night stands, but that's about it." Dean moved his jaw. "Cas, I love you too, but I'm nothing."
Cas felt his heart break. Dean looked so small suddenly, and Cas felt so much anger. The world had made Dean believing he wasn't worth being there anymore.
"Don't you say that. Don't you dare say that to me." Cas grabbed Dean's chin, holding him firmly, forcing him to look in his eyes. "Dean- you are everything." Cas spoke everything world very clearly. "Don't you dare think you're not good enough."
Dean realised he had held his breath, and only let it out when Cas let him go. "Okay."
They both stared at each other, but ever so slowly, their frustration disappeared, until they were just standing there. Then Dean pulled Cas into a hug, holding him firmly, closing his eyes as he pressed his face into the smaller man's shoulder.
"I'm really sorry," he mumbled.
"It's okay," Cas answered.
"Hm."
"Do you really love me?" Cas voice sounded very small, and Dean couldn't help but laugh as he let Cas go.
"Yeah. Crazy, right?" he smiled half a smile. "I really do, Cas. Sorry for making you wait."
"I'm sorry for that, too, I suppose," Cas said.
"Yeah." Dean laughed again. "Yeah."
He looked down at Cas and put a hand on his shoulder, running his thumb over the fabric of Cas' shirt. They smiled at each other once more, and when Dean leaned in to press his lips on Cas', he finally felt like he was home.
This time Cas was the one stumbling towards the bed in Dean's arms.