Something to Hold On To

What if it wasn't just Kate's life at risk? AU twist on the end of "Knockout"

"Kate!"

With the cat-like reflexes of a man one third his age Richard Castle dove onto his partner and they both crash-landed onto the ground. He prayed—oh god, he prayed—that he had been swift enough to save her from the bullet surely destined to end her life. He wanted to save her—no. No—he needed to save her more than he ever needed anything in his life, for a life without Kate Beckett was unfathomable.

"Kate—oh god Beckett are—are you…"

Castle's voice trailed off when he gazed down at the stunned, frozen form of his partner below him and caught sight of the flecks of crimson now staining her once pure white gloves. No! No! Surely—no! No it wasn't possible. Except that it was.

Richard Castle was not faster than a sniper's bullet; no man was.

"Kate! Oh, God, Kate—you have to hold on. Stay with me Kate. Kate!"

He said her name again and again in desperate hope that she could respond; that, somehow, it was all a dream or a hoax. The red blood-like substance on her gloves was fake, all part of a cruel joke put on by her and her partners Ryan and Esposito. She'd laugh, jump up and say, "Gotcha!" and take victory for playing the best prank ever. Of course rationally he knew Montgomery's funeral was the absolute worst place to play a prank on anyone, and certainly not something Kate would be caught up in, but oh how he wished…

"C-Castle…"

His name on her lips used to bring him such joy, but in that moment it felt like a block of ice traveling down his spinal cord. God, it sounded so distant, as though she was already slipping away. As if she had—

No. No he refused to think it; he would not let Kate leave him. That was not an option.

Cradling her head and neck in his left hand he gently touched her cheek with his right and said, "No—shh. Shh, Kate. Save your breath. Don't—don't try to speak."

She needed to save her strength—her breath. He couldn't tell where the bullet had entered her body since her shirt and jacket were black and thus concealing the contrast of the precious blood escaping her wound, but seeing as the bullet came from a sniper's weapon—a sniper who was presumably well trained—none of the immediate scenarios his writer's mind crafted were very positive. Surely the bullet had either damaged her heart or her lungs—or both—so she needed to remain calm, remain still, and reserve all her energy for the upcoming fight to stay alive.

God, how had they come to this? Wasn't losing Montgomery bad enough? Wasn't watching his partner cry, scream, and beat his chest with her fists enough suffering for one week? They'd fought, they'd reconciled, they'd…well, now that he thought about it, it had been one hell of a few months, not just the prior week, but they were finally getting to a good place; they were finally headed in the right direction. And…and now…

"Cas…"

"Shh, Beckett; I'm right here. You're going to be okay."

"B-but…th-the…bu-by…"

"Wha-?" He grunted out his confused response, as it was difficult to hear her due to the hum of the stunned crowd, the softness of her weakened voice, and the thundering of his heart, which must have been beating near 200 repetitions a minute. "Kate, I'm not sure what you said but don't worry about it. The ambulance is coming; it's coming to help you and-"

"Baby." She managed to get out clear and strong before sucking in a shuttering breath and letting her head fall limp into his hand. "Sa-ave the baby."

Though he heard the word, his stunned brain failed to process it full. "Baby? Kate, what…are you pr…" but he couldn't say the word. It just didn't make sense, not with her, not with them, not with what—oh god!

"Kate, Kate are—Kate!" He shouted when he watched her eyes roll back in her head and her arm collapsed limp by his side. "No, no, no! Stay with me Kate. Kate please I—I love you, Kate. Kate!"

But she couldn't hear him anymore. She was gone, but God as his witness, he would move heaven and earth to bring her back.

Richard Castle sat on a stiff, cramped hospital chair, his forearms resting on his thighs, his head dropped down so that his chin nearly touched his chest, having what he swiftly predicted to be the worst day of his life. Kate Beckett, the woman he loved, was down the hall in an operating suite fighting for her life. Her heart had already stopped once in the ambulance. He'd watched her flat line while feeling his own beating organ stutter to a stop. The shock of defibrillator paddles in addition to the compressions of their medical examiner friend kept Kate from slipping away, but only just.

All this would have been horrifying enough to swallow, maddening enough to process were it just Kate fighting for her own life, but…a baby? Castle's brain could hardly process the concept. It was simply too new, too shocking, and too overwhelming for his already stunned synapses.

The only thing that kept him from collapsing onto the floor and weeping violently was his own faith—not in God, or any other higher deity, but in the universe. Kate was a good person—a wonderful person. She didn't deserve this. She deserved a long, happy, full live, particularly after all she'd struggled with in the wake of her mother's death. He, too, felt he deserved to be happy and as he believed their futures to be intertwined he outright refused to accept the universe would steal their happiness from both of them; it simply wasn't right.

Kate would pull through her surgery—Kate and her baby. Kate would be okay.

Kate had to be okay.

"You! This is your fault!"

The seething voice of Josh Davidson pulled Castle from his thoughts and he jumped up out of his seat, startled. Josh—what was Josh doing there…dressed in scrubs…

Oh, right. Josh was a doctor—a surgeon. A cardiac surgeon. Oh Jesus…

"I…I'm sorry; I tried to get to her," Castle stammered out, not entirely sure way his first instinct was to apologize to this man he'd previously hated. No, not hated; Richard Castle didn't hate. He…disliked with intensity.

Josh stepped up to the writer, towering over him with his prominent brow and fury-filled eyes. "This is your fault," he spat again. "You pushed her to look into her mother's murder. Montgomery's dead because of you. She was shot because of you."

Too stunned by the doctor's fury to react, Castle remained still until he was aware of a blur of red to his right side as his daughter stepped up and yelled, "Hey! Leave him alone!"

"Alexis, no." He held out his right arm practically on auto-pilot and gave his daughter a gentle shove backwards as he stood between her and the furious man. "Josh, I don't know what-"

"Your fault!" Josh hissed as his palms collided with Castle's shoulders and he stumbled back into the chair he'd previously been sitting in.

As he'd never been one to tolerate physical violence directed towards him, particularly when he felt it was one hundred percent unjustified, Castle recovered quickly and took a challenging step forward. "Listen, I don't-"

"Stop it! Both of you!"

The surprisingly strong voice of Jim Beckett tore Castle's attention away from the irate doctor, and he gazed over towards the smaller man, who had seemingly aged an additional decade in the half hour since the sniper's bullet left its barrel. "My daughter is in there fighting for her life!"

"It…it's not just her life…" The words escaped Castle's lips practically without his permission, for he never intended to reveal Kate's secret. Hell, he wasn't even sure if it was real. She was going into shock, losing blood and probably delirious. Her confession about a baby may have been simply a factor of her injured state, but if it wasn't…oh, if it wasn't…

Cautiously, Castle looked towards the doctor, the only other man who might—oh god —who might have a right to be fully informed about the situation, and saw only a reflection of confusion, which he sympathized with immensely.

"What does that mean?"

"She's pregnant."

"What?"

"How?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Castle?"

The trio of men was quickly joined by the women and Ryan and Esposito, who had been standing just a few feet away, and Castle could not say he was surprised by the flurry of questions that charged towards him. He was usually the man with answers, but in that moment he had virtually none to give. He glanced at each of them before shrugging rather helplessly. "I-I don't know—truly. Before she passed out she asked me to save the baby I…I really don't…"

"Are you sure that's what she said?" Josh asked in a gentler tone, the medical side of his brain clearly racing to formulate a plausible alternative. "Could she have said-"

"No," Castle responded, firm. "She repeated it twice; I'm certain it's what she said."

Turning a few shades paler, Josh backed away from the group saying, "I…I have to…" and then he quickly spun around and disappeared behind a door labeled, Staff Only.

Castle watched him go, though in that moment he had never felt more sympathetic towards the man he'd once dubbed condescendingly Doctor Motorcycle-Boy for in that moment they were one in the same. They were both stressed and worried about the safety of the woman they both cared for and now possibly for the life that blossomed inside her.

Did Josh love Kate? Castle wasn't sure, though he felt only a fool could spent any time around her without falling in love with her gorgeous smile, kind eyes, and incredible soul. As they had dated for some months Josh had to at least care for her and clearly wanted no harm to come of her but…was that all? Or, rather, was that still how he felt?

Castle had thought—oh, well, maybe that was the problem. He thought though had no official confirmation that after—well, after Kate was no longer with the doctor. She talked about needing time, needing space. He thought that was from everyone—rather, all men. At least, in a romantic sense. But that had been an assumption and maybe—oh, god, maybe…

Feeling even sicker than he had felt before, Castle took a backwards step, but accidentally trod on his mother's foot and stumbled. He quickly apologized, but she shook off his words and instead looped her arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer. "Oh, darling, here—sit down; you re shaking."

Her soft hand brushing through the hair at his nape felt like unlatching the floodgates and he felt a shuddering sob escape his chest. The moment his buttocks connected with the stiff hospital chair, he began to sob. "I'm sorry; I'm so sorry."

"Richard this isn't your fault—you had no way to know there was a sniper and-"

"No, no. I'm sorry because…because I think there's a chance the baby is mine."

Castle heard a gasp filter through his group of friends and family and he couldn't honestly say that he blamed them for expressing their shock aloud. Hell, he was shocked. Though it had been over a month he still could barely believe that he and Kate really had made love, but they had and it had been as magnificent as he'd imagined it would be…at least, until the next morning when she told him that her relationship status with Josh was in limbo and they couldn't move forward until she "figured out what she really wanted." The statement had been a blow to say the very least, though during their flight back from LA she had softened the sentiments slightly by taking his hand, thanking him genuinely for accompanying her, and telling him that he meant a great deal to her.

In the weeks since things had been different. Not just different in the "Oh, we saw each other naked; this changes things" way, but in a deeper, more meaningful one. She spoke to him more often about how she felt and what she was thinking. They'd had dinner several times just the two of them and it had been nice, easy. They weren't acting like lovers, but her behavior towards him certainly indicated an intimacy level above friendship, which was why he was almost startled at the Josh's emotional reaction, for he had not heard her speak about the doctor ever since their night together and thus he had thought the man was out of the picture permanently. Now it seemed everything was up in the air once more.

"Richard? What are you talking about?"

"I…I guess, um, I…" He stammered while trying to regain his thoughts. Lifting his head, he was met with four pairs of curious eyes and one that seemed rather uncertain. "Oh. Jim, I'm sorry, I…" God, could he really tell this story in front of Kate's father? In front of the man he had met but a few days earlier? In front of the man he hoped to one day be a part of his own family?

"No." Jim's voice was rough with emotion, but steady. "No, I think in the interest of relevance you'd better explain."

Castle bobbed his head and then cleared his throat, giving himself a moment to formulate as G-rated an explanation as he could muster. "We, ah, were looking into the murder of Mike Royce—you guys remember the case," he said, glancing up to the duo of detectives.

Esposito hummed, "Mmm…'bout six weeks ago wasn't it?"

"Yeah, about. Beckett and I went out to LA in search of the killer and one night we…we had a moment."

"Must have been some moment."

"Mother." Castle chastised in an exhausted tone. She merely shrugged and the writer hung his head once more. "It was just once and we'd kind of written it off as a one-time thing—at least for now—but if she's…and Josh…" He groaned and rubbed his hand over his face as the disjointed thoughts formulated into one terrifying one inside his mind. "He's going to kill me when I tell him."

"Then might I advise—don't."

Castle set his jaw and shook his head at his mother. "If I was him I'd want to know." Yes, it would feel like shredding his heart into bits, but he would want to know if he had a potential child out there in the world, especially if that child's life was potentially hanging in the balance.

"You should probably at least wait until the surgery's over. If she doesn't—sorry," Esposito said quickly when Jim's sharp intake of breath was audible to the group. Turning to Castle he said, "What I mean is-"

"I know what you mean," he said so Esposito didn't have to make his macabre point aloud. If Kate and thus the baby did not pull through surgery, the secret of their affair could die with her thus saving Josh even a minuscule amount of pain. Since he already felt like he was on heartache overload, Castle decided this was a reasonably fair decision to agree upon. "Okay; I'll wait."

As the group dispersed, seeking out their own corners of the seating area to pass the time with clammy palms and racing hearts, Esposito hung back and touched Castle's shoulder gently with his fingertips. "Bro, you know I…you know I want her to pull through this, right?"

Castle offered the smallest of smiles in return. "Yeah, Javier; I know."

In the cramped chair tucked in between a heart monitor, an IV stand, and even more medical equipment he could not recognize, Richard Castle was a stalwart figure by the bedside of his partner and had been for well over an hour, ever since he'd bribed a nurse into letting him swap places with Kate's father despite the fact that he was not technically family. The elder Beckett, who had been at the hospital ever since his daughter arrived the prior day, had gone home to shower and change his clothes, but only after Castle promised to watch over the unconscious woman in his absence. He never had been one to break a promise.

Seated beside her bed, his eyes transfixed by the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest, Castle prayed for a sign that she would regain consciousness; a sign that she and her child would pull through without permanent damage. So far, her journey had been rough, but he hoped—as did the doctors—that she was finally out of the woods.

The prior afternoon, after a several-hour procedure, a haggard surgeon had informed Kate's father that they were able to repair the damage to her heart, but she was still in critical condition and would need to be monitored closely. When Jim inquired about her possible pregnancy, the surgeon was unsure, but stated their main priority was keeping Kate alive. An hour later, just as they were all starting to discuss getting something to eat, a nurse informed them Kate was back in surgery for her blood pressure was dropping and they feared more internal bleeding.

At eight p.m. after Kate was out of her second, and what they hoped was her final, surgery, her father was allowed to see her for the first time. Jim then reported back to Castle, who remained in the waiting room along with Ryan and Esposito, that doctors had confirmed her pregnancy, but that the baby's life was "critically in danger" and she had more than a fifty percent likelihood of miscarrying due to the trauma her body endured. Shortly thereafter, the detectives talked Castle into going him and changing his blood-stained clothing. He did so, but returned to the hospital almost immediately, and spent the next several hours dozing off in a waiting room chair until Jim came and roused him.

According to the elder Beckett, Kate had not fully regained consciousness. She had mumbled and grunted, but only in her sleep. The doctors were slightly concerned about this lack of progress, but after such a trauma this was not at all unheard of. Unfortunately, at that time all they could do was wait.

Castle lifted up his hand from his lap and placed it gently on Kate's right forearm as he did every few minutes just so she knew someone who cared about her was there, watching over her. He brushed his thumb gently over her skin, ruffling the soft hairs that coated her lower arm. He'd never taken too much noticed to them before, probably because Kate generally wore long sleeves or a jacket, but they were just a few shades darker than her skin tone; it was adorable and he couldn't wait to—

"How long has this been going on?"

Castle jumped and spun around in his seat to see Josh by the foot of Kate's bed in the ICU, his arms folded across his blue scrub t-shirt clearly displaying the over-sized biceps just waiting to pummel the writer into needing a bed himself.

"I, ah—excuse me?" Castle stood to face Josh, truly having not processed his words due to the shock.

Josh's eyes darted down towards the face of the unconscious woman. His brow softened, he shook his head, and brought his left hand up to cup the back of his neck. Turning back to Castle he said, "I'm not an idiot, you know? The way she spoke about you, it was obvious. I guess I'm the fool for not ending things sooner, but I guess I wanted to believe her when she said you were just partners."

"We were."

"Until…?"

Castle swallowed hard. He didn't exactly feel as though it was his place to tell Josh about his time with Kate, both because he did not feel he should meddle in their relationship, but also because he did not want their moment sullied by Josh's inevitable vitriol; yet, it seemed he had no choice. "When we were in LA-"

"When was that?"

Somewhat taken aback, Castle's brow wrinkled and he responded with, "She didn't tell you?" Josh shook his head so Castle continued. "It was about six weeks ago."

"Six weeks…that guy she knew died—former partner or something?"

"Royce."

"Yeah—yeah him. I…she said she just wanted to get away for a few days, clear her head—that she needed space, which was…we were already kind of…I don't know." Josh rubbed his hand over his mouth and nodded to Castle. "Sorry—continue."

He paused for a moment, considering Josh's statements. So, he didn't know who Royce was—was that on Kate? Or Josh's lack of attention? He wasn't sure and he supposed ultimately it didn't matter, but he was glad that he knew about Royce. He was certain he didn't know all about Royce and how intimate his relationship with Kate had been, but he knew a lot and that was enough.

"Well…that's really all there is to it—we were in LA; it happened."

"And since then?"

"No, no—it was only once."

Josh's eyes momentarily narrowed at Castle before he looked back to Kate and huffed out a breath. "I see. So, that's it then."

Shaking his head slightly, Castle said, "What do you mean?"

"I mean—that's it; we're done and I…I don't belong here anymore."

As Josh went to step away, Castle reached out his arm and stopped him asking, "Sorry—did I miss something? What are you talking about?"

Josh gazed down at the writer's hand and he recoiled instantly, not sure what compelled him to stop the doctor instead of being grateful he was leaving without physically harming him, particularly after the confession he just made. Still, the writer had to know the end of the story.

"Do I really have to spell it out for you?" Josh snapped. A moment passed when Castle said nothing so Josh continued with, "Fine—the baby's yours, Rick."

"Bu—how can you know that?"

Josh looked away, shaking his head and planting his fists at his hips. "The week before that Royce guy died I was at a conference. The day I got home was the day she said she needed time to herself—time away from us, and she disappeared. Went off with you, apparently. We've only been in minimal contact since. The last time I got a hold of her, two weeks ago, she said she still needed time to figure things out; now I guess I know why."

"I…" Castle began but the words died on his tongue; he was at a loss as the wheels of his brain spun. If Kate truly had not been intimate with Josh in two months' time then the doctor was most likely correct; he was the father of Kate's baby. His chest was immediately crushed with equal amounts of joy and fear and he couldn't have verbalized his thoughts in that moment if his life depended on it.

Sighing audibly, the doctor turned back to the writer and said with sincerity, "I hope you're what she wants, Castle; truly."

Castle watched him walk out of the ICU and stood still for several moments before rotating his body around to stare at Kate. For a moment, he half expected her eyes to be open and for her to have seen their entire exchange. For a brief moment he amused himself by thinking that if they were in a movie, she probably would have, but in reality such things didn't happen. Still, he had to check for himself.

"Kate? Hey, Kate, can you hear me?" He walked over and grazed his fingers across her forearm once more, studying her face for a reaction; he saw none. "If you're faking this, you're going to have to give mother some acting lessons." Again, he watched for the quirk of her lips or an irregular fluttering in her eyes, but saw none, so he gave up and collapsed into the chair again. That time, he picked up her hand and delicately brought her fingertips to his lips. "Oh, Kate, you have to wake up. Please, please wake up."

"Mmmph…"

The grunting of the patient beside him made Castle jump to the point where he almost dropped his cell phone. Twenty minutes had passed since Josh left them and now that it was a more reasonable hour of the morning he was in the middle of messaging Alexis to let her know that he was at the hospital and there was no change in Kate's status. Now it appeared that no longer was correct.

Quickly pocketing the device, Castle stood and placed both his hands on Kate's closest forearm. "Kate? Hey, Kate." He grinned when her eyes fluttered open, searched for a moment, and then focused on his face.

"Cas'l?"

"Yeah." He continued stroking her right arm with his right thumb, but moved his left hand to gently rest on her right shoulder. "I'm right here Kate, take your time."

Her eyes opened and closed a few times as she clearly tried to focus and process her state of existance. Her head turned and she caught sight of the medical equipment. She wrinkled her brow at it for a moment before turning to him and asking, "Whahapn'd?"

"You were shot, Kate; a sniper's bullet."

"Snip—oh! Ahhh." She gasped and groaned when she tried to sit up and presumably felt pain shooting through her damaged body.

Castle pressed the heel of his left hand into her shoulder, gently holding her down so she didn't try to move again and injure herself further. "Whoa Kate slow down. You've got stiches everywhere."

She sucked in a breath, shut her eyes, and shook her head. "No my…I need to…" She coughed—a small one at first, but then a larger one that resulted in a yelp of pain and a groan as she moved her left hand towards her chest.

"Easy, Kate. Here, have a little bit of ice." He picked up the cup from her bedside—the one he'd acquired just a few minutes earlier on his way back from the bathroom in hopes she would soon awake. He used a plastic spoon to scoop two petite shards of ice into her mouth. He waited for her to swallow before giving her two more. She mumbled out a thank you. "Of course; can I get you anything else?"

"I…" She gazed down at herself for a moment, lifting up her left hand and then placing it back down on her mid-chest. She stared at it for twenty seconds before, suddenly, her eyes widened and she said quickly, "Doctor—I need to talk to the doctor."

Castle bobbed his head. "Okay, I can try and find someone for you. Do you want the cardiologist or the obstetrician?"

"The—" She stopped short and searched his face with her eyes for several seconds before whispering, "You know?" as though the life growing inside her was a secret of CIA proportions.

He gave her a gentle smile, squeezed her shoulder, and said, "You told me, Kate."

"Told you?"

"When you were passing out—I'm not surprised you don't remember," he rationalized, given how common it was for severe trauma to cause amnesia of sorts. "You said, 'Save the baby.'"

She nodded. "Oh." Her hand slid down to her belly and she rubbed it for a second before gasping an half choking, "Oh god the baby!"

"It's okay." He assured her. "Your father told me they said your hormone levels still indicate pregnancy, but there's still a pretty big risk as you can imagine. They said the next forty-eight hours will be critical and then…what is it?" He asked when he saw her eyes morph into those of a scared child with tears welling inside.

"Castle…oh god." She sniffled out. "This isn't how I wanted to have this conversation."

A wry smile crossed his face and he moved his hand down from her forearm to link together with her fingertips. "I know."

"C-Castle."

She sounded so afraid; it broke his heart. He had a good guess on what she was about to confess to him, but he didn't want her to be scared or nervous about it. Everything was going to be okay; he knew it. Lifting his left hand from her shoulder, he cupped the underside of her jaw and brushed his thumb across the hollow of her cheek. "It's okay, shh, honey; it's okay." He soothed as he heard her breath hitching from the tears. Her diaphragm shuttered and she winced, which made his heart clench from sympathetic agony. "It's okay, Kate; I know."

Her eyes searched his for a better explanation. "You know…?"

"Josh and I had a talk."

"Oh god."

"It's okay—I think we came to an understanding of sorts."

A tear rolled down her cheek and he brushed it away before continuing his tender, calming strokes. When she still appeared to be rather shocked after a moment, he lifted up her right hand, pressed his lips to her knuckles, and once again assured her that everything would be fine.

"I-I'm sorry. I still feel very hazy so I um—just so we're on the same page. I'm almost positive the baby is yours…and that is not a sentence I ever anticipated saying."

Castle could not help but letting out a breathy chuckle. "No I don't imagine so. It's okay, though." He pressed the back of her right hand into his cheek and he felt her fingers curl more tightly around his. "You know I never regretted that night. And this?" He moved his left hand from her face so that it lay overtop hers on her belly. "This is just our next adventure."

Two more tears leaked from the corners of her eyes as she asked quietly, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, of course—how could I not be?"

She nodded then shut her eyes and her face scrunched as she truly began to cry. He soothed her the best he could, but ultimately she just shook her head and apologized adding, "This is just a lot."

"Of course it is, but whatever you need—I'm here." He was her partner, and had been for nearly three years, but the way he saw it, they were now partners in life not just at work. They could take their personal relationship as slowly as she needed to, but he would be there for her every step of her recovery, and every step of her pregnancy.

Though he hadn't much time to think about it with her life hanging in the balance, with Kate finally alert, Castle's eyes grazed over her face and he felt nearly a crushing amount of joy and love in his heart. Kate Beckett was one of the most extraordinary people he'd ever met. He'd wanted her for so long—so very long—and now it seemed they finally had their chance. True, it would not be a traditional start by any means, and he believed they faced a difficult road ahead, but he was also certain they'd make it through because they were meant to be together.

Squeezing his fingers as tightly as she could, Kate told him, "I just need you."

"I'm already yours."

She smiled and untangled their fingers so she could dust her index finger down the edge of his jaw. She lifted her head off the pillow and then collapsed back down with a rather annoyed, "Sorry, I—can you come closer? I don't think I can move."

"You shouldn't be moving." He pointed out before climbing up onto the bed and balancing his large frame between her and the very edge of the hospital mattress. She tucked her head into his shoulder and he laid one arm delicately across her hips. "Just get some rest Kate," he told her softly. "I'll be here—always."

First, I'd like to thank Lou (InkyCoffee) aka our Prompt Overlord for her prompt, which was something along the lines of what if in 3x24 Kate had said "Save the baby" to Castle as she passed out.

Second, of course I can't end it there - there will be 2 completely independent second parts - one where she loses the baby and one where she does not. :)