She wasn't sure where the feeling came from, this sudden need to be near her pilot. To any of the crew it would seem like she was just being diligent in her duties as Commander, preparing for the upcoming mission. But she knew it was for something other than the natural, ill-behaved banter she and Joker had known since first meeting. It seized her chest as she stood behind his chair with gauntlets crossed, her eyes never leaving the fluid movements of his hands as they all but danced across the controls. A sense of calm briefly fell over her as she watched him work. Within minutes they would be descending upon Grissom Academy, en route to rescue its students from Cerberus control. While the gravity of the mission weighed heavily on her mind, it served to remind her that they had to seize the upper hand however they could. And after the losses of Earth, of Palaven… she would be damned if they didn't pull out a victory against the Illusive Man on this day.
It was almost incomprehensible, the amount of loss they had already suffered. It left her reeling every time it slipped to the back her mind, only to charge forth once again and threaten to utterly break her. And as if the universe had a sick sense of humor, Kaidan had nearly been killed right in front of her eyes just hours after the fall of Earth… right when she had started to hope that maybe, just maybe, the rift between them could finally start to heal. If that wasn't a big, solid Fuck you, she didn't know what was. She still wasn't completely used to seeing that robotic body strut around on her ship, even if it was EDI that now took residence, knowing it was the reason Kaidan had been put on his deathbed. Her full lips twisted into a grimace as sour as her heart felt.
Her mortality had always been a mystery to her. Mindoir, Elysium, Virmire, the Citadel, the Collector base… they had all left her questioning when her luck would run out, because certainly even she didn't have to skill to survive so many perilous situations. It left her feeling raw and vulnerable as she stood there, brooding over things beyond her control. It left her yearning to lean on someone, to know that just for a moment, however brief and fleeting, she was not alone in this fight. She hated feeling needy. Kaidan would have known what to say to her. He had always known. If she closed her eyes she could almost picture the way his lips would curl up into that signature half-smirk, honey whiskey eyes sparkling with confidence as he told her that yes, everything would be fine. His short missive from Huerta Memorial had given her a shred of hope that maybe not all was lost, and a visit from her would convince him to return to the Normandy. God knows it had felt more than right to finally have him back aboard. But then she thought of the other direction things could very well turn and it all but stopped her heart.
So here she was. Dressed to kill, in all sense of the word, feeling like a pathetic excuse of a Marine for being so needy. She studied the pilot in front of her, an actual smile threatening to break out on her face as he started whistling a jaunty tune. 'Only Joker,' she thought dryly in her head. Her body swelled with pride as she watched him smoothly navigate them through FTL to their destination, because that's exactly what she was. Proud of his skills as a helmsman, proud that he was her helmsman, proud that he was simply Joker. A shielded man with a flair for sarcastic humor and a heart as tender as they come, if one only took the time to dig deep enough. And suddenly her heart filled with a different array of emotions, one that she could only describe as sheer gratitude, as she realized that maybe she was not alone. How could she be if there were men like Joker, who'd been there from the beginning, ready to lead her into the fight and then pull her ass right out of the fire? Men like James, her Spanish Krogan she liked to call him, ready to wield his shotgun alongside her biotics. Men like Garrus, willing to do whatever it took to make sure that justice and righteousness prevailed. And women like Liara, with more caring and intelligence than she herself could ever hope for. It was utter relief, she realized as she stared down at the top of his head, his ever-present SR2 cap telling her abstractly that no, she was not alone.
A ragged breath rushed out through her lips as she uncrossed her arms and raised them to the seals on her helmet. The low hiss that sounded as her suit depressurized had Joker turning slightly towards her, probably thinking she was feeling a little claustrophobic as she sometimes still did under her helmet. She tucked the hollow piece of metal under her left arm as her right rose to the back of her neck, trying but failing to lessen some of the tension there.
"ETA is three minutes, Commander." Joker reported to her as she snapped back to the present. "Stealth systems engaged, weapons online," he finished. She wasn't sure what compelled her to, but suddenly she was taking a step forward and around the side of his chair, her free hand coming to rest gently on his shoulder.
"Jeff," she breathed out. This time he turned around fully to face her, console temporarily forgotten, his bright green eyes questioning at her use of his given name.
"Thank you," she proclaimed, so quietly that even EDI had to strain to hear what was said. His brow creased lightly as he studied her face, trying to read the sentiment there.
"For what, Shepard?" he asked openly. For a second she panicked, not sure how to respond. She finally settled on the truth.
"For everything," she said, as if it were the simplest thing in the world. She'd never seen his eyes go as soft as they did then, gazing up at her with so much warmth and understanding. For a moment it looked as if he wanted to say something in return, anything really, but he seemed to think better of it. Better to sit in companionable silence than ruin a rare moment.
"Now let's go kick some Cerberus ass," she commanded, stepping back to re-seal her helmet. "I polished my boots just for the occasion."
"Aye-aye, Commander," he sounded off, smiling from ear to ear as he settled back into his chair.
'Small victories,' she told herself. She would take them any way that she could.
AN: You can find the link for the picture that inspired this drabble in my profile.
I must have at least a dozen notebooks filled with random dialogues and drabbles, but this marks the first time I've written something out with the intention to put it on the internet for others to read. For some reason, that picture just spoke volumes to me. I'm not scrounging for praise or anything, but if you do feel so inclined, please let me know what you think. -xoxo, RedxLetterxDay