KissMeDeadlyT-T: Don't mess with Ed when he gets jealous, if you wish to keep your genitals intact.

I don't know. It's late and I don't want to go to sleep, and I've always wondered what would happen if Ed got really jealous one time, and flipped his shit on Roy. So I wrote this. I'm tired, so I don't actually know what to make of it... or what else to say... Besides the fact that this is RoyEd(ish?) and there is so much swearing it isn't even normal. What we have here is a pissed off Ed.

I don't own FMA :c

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"Hey, Ed, isn't that the colonel?"

Ed, who was in the middle of slurping up a huge mound of ramen noodles, paused. He looked up at his brother, who was looking somewhere behind Ed, glowing red eyes a bit wider than usual. Ed bit the mouthful of noodles he had, causing the severed bits to fall back into the soup, and swallowed what was in his mouth before following Al's gaze.

A few tables behind them was in fact Roy Mustang, with a ridiculous grin on his face as he chatted and laughed with some... some overly-giggly, flirty, blond, big-boobed, toothy smiled, pounds of makeup wearing girl who Ed immediately dubbed as "Bimbo" when he heard her nasally laugh. Somewhere in his mind he supposed she was pretty, and that her laugh wasn't actually that bad, but for some reason, a bigger part of him just felt angry and wanted to punch her in her foundation-covered face.

Scowling, Ed turned back around and glared at him bowl. "Yeah," he said, suddenly not hungry anymore.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"You look mad."

Ed's shoulders shot up to his ears and he grit his teeth in irritation when he heard the girl giggle, "Oh, Roy, you're so funny!"

"Oh, Roy, you're so funny!" he imitated in an annoying falsetto, rolling his eyes. "The only thing funny about that bastard is his face. And his smell."

"If I didn't know better I would say you're jealous."

"Why the hell would I be jealous?" Ed snapped, folding his arms and sliding low in his seat. "It's just annoying. Fuck, he's such a goddamn whore. And that girl, she's annoying. She doesn't deserve someone like him." Then he realized what he said and growled. "Just because he's a colonel, I mean. She's some random easy looking tramp and he's a fucking colonel. Why the fuck would he even be interested? It's probably because she has fucking mountains on her chest, isn't it."

Al seemed sort of alarmed. "Ed... put that knife down."

Ed looked at the knife he had in his right fist with something like surprised. He dropped it and started muttering again. "Probably has a million STD's. Goddamn bastard sleeps around so much, I'd be surprised if he still even has a dick or if all that fucking caused it to shrivel up and die. Not that I care, hah, that's his fucking problem for being such a whore. Yeah. A different girl every week, fuck, he's so disgusting, don't they see how much of a player he is?" By now he was fiddling with the knife again, occasionally glancing over at where the girl playfully swatted Mustang's shoulder. Al didn't dare say a word. "Tch, would you look at that? Freakin' gross. The only reason she's talking to him is because he's so hot. Everyone knows he's a womanizer. If he didn't look so fucking perfect nobody would want him." He didn't really seem to realize what he was saying, and trailed off into dark mutterings about Mustang's general assholiness and how that girl should get away from him if she knew what was good for her.

Al made a sound like he was clearing his throat. "Uhm, brother... Maybe we should leave."

Ed did not listen and instead continued grumbling into his collar, left hand playing with the knife and right hand making a tight fist on the table.

"Brother."

No answer.

"Ed."

No answer.

Al finally lost his patience and reached across the table and grabbed the knife, slamming it down. "Edward. We're leaving now."

"What?" Ed asked blankly as though he'd just been pulled out of a trance. "Why? I'm not done my noodles, and—"

"There are no words to express how much I do not care about your freaking noodles. What I do care about is the lives of everyone in this restaurant. Come on." Al stood up with a loud clanking sound and grabbed Ed's arm, tossing an appropriate amount of Cenz onto the white table cloth before forcefully dragging his brother towards the exit and away from the many perfectly stabbable people sitting around them. Ed struggled and protested, but was eventually dragged out of the restaurant. Just as the door was closing, he heard the girl bubble something about Roy's attractiveness or something equally bullshit. That was it.

Tearing out of Al's iron grip, Ed absolutely fumed as he stomped back into the restaurant. He ignored all the stares he was getting and the employees yelling at him and stormed all the way back to where Bastard and that girl were sitting. Roy barely had the chance to look over at him and stutter out, "Fullmetal, what—" before Ed grabbed him by the collar of his crisp goddamn baby blue shirt that did not make the blue in his dark eyes stand out at all and kissed him full on the mouth.

The restaurant turned silent, Roy's eyes widened, the girl gasped, and Ed just growled. Somewhere in the background, Al groaned, "Ed!" and ran off, clearly traumatized, but Ed didn't care right now. What he cared about was how fucking good Roy did not smell and how soft his lips were not and how dizzy the stupid kiss made him feel. When he finally pulled away, he glared and spat, "You are disgusting."

Roy was clearly shocked, his mouth open and gaping as he tried to find words. Bimbo's hands covered her mouth, and in a high-pitched voice that sort of kind of really made Ed want to rip her larynx out, whispered, "What is this, Roy?"

"I... uh... I don't know..."

"Why didn't you just say you were in a relationship? I would never have—flirted with you, if I knew—"

"I... wasn't actually aware that I was in a relationship."

Ed glowered. "Damn right you are. And you better remember that, you bastard."

Bimbo looked close to fainting in embarrassment and ran off, leaving a still rather shocked Roy with a pissed Ed. After a moment, Roy demanded, "What the hell was that, Elric?"

"That was you stopping your nasty ass ways of sleeping around and flirting with girls because now you're in a relationship with me. Got that?"

"I... what? You can't order me around, I'm your superior—"

"Fine. Hey, bastard, we're in a relationship now." He looked up at Roy with a glare and said, "Is that okay, sir?"

Roy's jaw dropped when Ed stood up and walked away, leaving no room for debate. He watched with wide eyes (and so did the rest of the restaurant) as Ed left the restaurant as if none of that had just happened. As soon as he was out of sight, all eyes turned on the stranded colonel. He wasn't sure what to do.

Damn brat. Who the hell did he think he was, coming in with some fucking hot kiss and scaring off his potential date and leaving Roy feeling sort of horny and being underage goddamnit Roy stop thinking like that and then walking away before Roy even had a chance to properly register that he had in fact just been kissed by Fullmetal, damnit?

He was going to murder Edward in the most gruesome way possible.

Or, perhaps, tie him to a nearby surface and fuck his brains out, because damn if that wasn't an appropriate punishment for such an inappropriate action.

"Fucking kid," he grumbled, reaching into his pocket and throwing some money onto the table before grabbing his coat and running out of the restaurant. He could see the familiar red coat in the distance. "Edward!" he yelled.

When Ed just turned around, glared, and flipped him off, Roy cursed under his breath.

Yeah, that settled it. One way or another, Ed was going to scream.

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KissMeDeadlyT-T: Dafuq did I just create. O.o

I don't know, man, I thought it was pretty funny, albeit short. I'm tired, though, so maybe I'm just stupid. XD Either way, I enjoy overly jealous Ed, he is fabulous.

Thoughts? D; I am aware, it is probably ridiculous. Ed is such a bitch :D