Plot: Cloud explores Kalm in search of Phoenix Downs. He didn't expect to bump into so many crazy people...
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII. It is the property of Square-Enix
Ahead on Our Way
Cloud and his friends had managed to safely escape from Midgar. After escaping the Shinra Building and engaging the deadly chase on the highway, they paused outside the city walls to plan their next move.
"Holding my thoughts deep within my heeeeaaaarrrttttt….!!"
"Cloud! Shut your spiky-#& trap!" roared Barret. He flailed his gun arm angrily above his head. "I can't concentrate with that #& excuse for singing!"
"Well, at least I can sing!" retorted Cloud. He stuck out his tongue for effect.
"And I can play piano, but you don't see me bragging! Now both of you shut up!" grunted Tifa. "We need to plan our next move."
"The town of Kalm's not too far from here. Why don't we hide out there for a while?" suggested Aeris with a voice as sweet as honey. Cloud was practically drooling over her acoustics. Actually, he really was drooling.
"Cloud! My fur is dry-clean only!" growled Red XIII. Cloud immediately slapped his jaw shut and turned to Aeris.
"Yeah, I agree with Aeris," he said dreamily. "Who knows, we might even find some leads on Seifefroth." He sighed, staring at Aeris with love struck eyes.
Tifa rolled her eyes and slapped her forehead. "Don't you mean Sephiroth?"
"Uh…yeah. That guy. Ahem." Cloud cleared his throat and straightened his posture. He gazed out to the horizon and extended his index finger. "Alright, everyone! Let's mosey on to Kalm!"
Tifa let out a long sigh. "Cloud, we can't all go in the same group."
"Oh, I know," he replied cheerfully. He reached out and yanked Aeris to his side. "Aeris and I will go on ahead. You three meet us at the Inn. Oh, and if you knock three times and we don't answer, it'd be nice if you left for a—OUCH! Hey!"
Tifa sent a fist flying into Cloud's jaw. "I think Aeris and I would like some girl-time, right?"
"I wouldn't mind at all, Tifa," Aeris replied somewhat obliviously.
"Good!" Tifa said, clapping her hands together happily. "C'mon, let's go. We'll meet you boys at the Inn."
"You take care of yourselves, all right?" said Aerith.
With that, the two ladies made their exit.
"Way to go, hot stuff!" roared Barret. "Now we ALL gotta get punished cuz of you!"
"Yes, I must admit I am rather disappointed in you, Cloud," added Red XIII.
"Whatever. Let's just go…" huffed Cloud.
After six miserable hours of fighting bandits, thugs, ostriches, and weeds, Cloud and his party finally arrived in Kalm. They crawled their way into the town and were immediately greeted by the village idiot.
"Wark! Wark!"
"That is a human, right?" questioned Red XIII.
"Look who's talking," groaned Cloud. He was battle damaged and horribly worn out. "They were weeds, for crying out loud! Weeds! How did they manage to KO us to the point where we ran out of Phoenix Downs?!"
"S'all your fault, spiky!" grunted Barret. He was equally injured, if not worse off. "It's cuz you were talkin' on the phone when you coulda been swingin' that big hunk of steel!"
"Hey, it's not my fault Tifa took my phone by mistake!" Cloud reached into his pocket and pulled out a pretty, pink cell phone with Barbie decals. "Does this look like a FOMA P900iV to you?!"
"Yeah, it does," grunted Barret. "It's just pink!"
Cloud opened his mouth and then closed it. He stared at the phone in horror. "Oh…man… This really is my phone! What did she do to it?!" he cried.
Red XIII tried to contain his laughter but failed miserably. Cloud eyed him sternly. "What? I didn't do it!" affirmed Red XIII. "The concept is just funny, that's all."
Cloud shrugged and pocketed his phone. "Whatever," he said while stretching. "Hey, listen, I'm going to go scope out the town for a bit. Gotta restock on Phoenix Downs and stuff. Maybe I'll even find a phone store. I'll meet you guys back at the Inn, okay?"
"Whatever, man! Just don't go gettin' your spiky-!# in any trouble!" growled Barret.
"Don't worry. What could possibly go wrong?" chortled Cloud. He waved bye to his friends and wandered into the square. He spied the Item Shop in the very back of town and sauntered in through the front door.
"What can I help you with today, sonny?" asked the old man at the counter.
"Wark! Wark!"
"Eh?" The old man jumped back slightly.
"Sorry," apologized Cloud. He shoved the village idiot out of the way and approached the counter. "He's been following me around since I got here."
"I see," nodded the old man. "It happens, I guess."
"So, uh, you got any Phoenix Downs?" asked Cloud.
The old man furrowed his brows. "Phoenix Downs, eh? Hold on." He got up from his rocking chair and hobbled over to the foot of the stairs in the back of the shop. "Hey, Ma'!"
There was a slight pause followed by a screeching voice. "What, Pa'?!"
"Ran outta downs! Go pluck some'ore!" the old man shouted. He then turned around and faced Cloud with a toothy grin. "Don't worry, sonny. Shouldn't take too long."
Rabid, frantic clucking ensued upstairs, accompanied with the occasional squawk. Cloud tilted his head slightly upwards where the sound of heavy footsteps stomped over the creaky boards. "Ma'" was obviously giving chase. A shrill of squawks rang out, piercing Cloud's ears. Finally, the whole hubbub died down. Cloud turned his attention the stairs where a plump old woman with a gigantic mole on her nose and large yellow feathers in her gray hair appeared. She held a bag of what he could only assume contained the downs of some bird other than a phoenix.
"Here ya go, Pa'," she snorted, tossing the bag to the old man.
"Thanks, Ma'," replied the old man. He tugged at the single hair protruding from the old woman's mole earning a deadly leer from her. "Heh, heh. Couldn't resist!" he snickered. She merely snorted and retreated up the stairs.
The old man returned to his place behind the counter and settled himself back in his chair. He plopped the bag of downs onto the counter and held out his open palm. "That'll be 1500 Gil, sonny."
Cloud's eye twitched. Without a word, he swerved around and ran out the door.
"Wark! Wark!" cried the village idiot. He was about to follow Cloud out the door when a wooden cane hooked around his neck. The old man yanked the village idiot back towards the counter.
"Hold it! Someone's gotta pay for these!"
"…Wark?" gulped the idiot, pointing to himself.
"Yep. You," affirmed the old man."
The village idiot sighed. He reached a hand into his pocket and pulled out a Shinra ID card. He locked gazes with the old man and smirked. "Wark."
The old man didn't even flinch. "I know durn well you don't work for Shinra!" He bopped the village idiot on the head with his cane. "Now get up there and help Ma' pluck more feathers, you crazy rascal, before I gut ya and sell yer innards as potions and ethers!"
Back outside, Cloud was wandering the streets aimlessly. With his head down and his hands in his pockets, he let out a deep sigh. "Man! Now where am I supposed to shop…?" He stopped momentarily and gazed up at his surroundings. Unless he wanted to purchase more materia (as if he didn't have enough!), the only shop in town was behind him. The only buildings left were residential homes.
"Hey! That's it!" exclaimed Cloud. "I'll knock on the doors of these homes and politely ask if they have any items to spare!" He jumped up with glee, amazed at his own genius.
Seconds later found Cloud literally tied to a kitchen chair, listening to the rants and raves of a woman who obviously didn't like the Shinra.
"Can you believe these mako prices?!" she exclaimed. She was busily scrubbing dishes with her back turned to Cloud, but she was obviously waiting for his reply.
"Uh…no?" yelped Cloud.
"I mean, seriously! Who on this Planet has enough Gil to power their homes these days?!" she raved, nearly smashing the dish in her hand. "Don't even get me started on the winter heating bills! I was a living popsicle last year, I swear!"
"Uh…yeah…" said Cloud, his voice strained. He futilely tried to wriggle free of his constraints.
"I'm a single, working parent! My hubby kicked the bucket gardening three years ago (damn weeds)! How am I supposed to make ends meet?" she cried. There went the plate…
"Oh, uh, so you have kids?"
"What? No!" she exclaimed. Cloud shot her a puzzled look. "I took in one of those shriveling cloaked guys." She nudged her head to the living room where a black-cloaked figure sat on the couch, rocking back and forth.
"Se…ph…iro…th…. Re…un…ion…" it croaked.
Cloud's eyes went wide. "Uh, lady? You do realize that's a murderous clone, right?"
"What of it?" she shrugged. "As long as it tells jokes, I couldn't care if it was a talking Chocobo."
"Jokes?" questioned Cloud.
"Yeah. It's hilarious! You should hear the one about the Se…ph and the iro…th!" she chuckled insanely. "Good stuff!"
Cloud's eye twitched. "Uh…did I mention it's a property of Shinra?"
All scrubbing had ceased. The plate in the woman's hand crashed to the ground. "What…did you say?"
"Yeah. Professor Hojo of Shinra made those guys," Cloud explained.
Cloud couldn't remember much about what happened next, only small flashes of a cleaver and a hacked up black cloak. When he awoke in the street slightly dazed, he merely shrugged it off and went to the next house.
"Okay, that woman was insane. But I'm sure this next person won't tie me to a chair," he assured himself. He ran a hand through his golden, spiky hair before knocking on the door. His hair felt odd, as if chunks were hacked off (by a cleaver, perhaps), but he didn't dwell on it. He knocked on the wooden door. No one answered, so he knocked again. Still no answer.
"Hmm… Guess no one's home," he mused. "Let's try the knob!" He jiggled the doorknob and found it unlocked. "Score!" He creaked the door open and swiftly went inside. Gently closing the door behind him, Cloud took in his surroundings. It was a cluttered little house with all sorts of paraphernalia strewn about. The staircase leading up was blocked by a rocking chair. Cloud's eyes went wide.
There was a man sitting in the chair.
"Oh no…"
Cloud stared at the man, who wore dark sunglasses and a hat. His head was tilted in Cloud's direction, yet the man made no motion to say or do anything. Cloud's ears perked up when he heard the sweet, silent sound of snoring. He smirked and quietly began to tiptoe around the place. "If he's asleep, I'm sure he won't mind if I take a look around."
He poked around the scattered items, looking desperately for Phoenix Downs. Lady Luck was not smiling down on his not-so-spiky-anymore head, however. He searched high and low, but couldn't even locate a lousy potion! Not even a potion, for goodness sakes! And those things were everywhere!
Just before he gave up and headed for the door in defeat, Cloud spied a small door at the side of the stairs. "Hey! A closet!" he thought. "Let's see what's inside…" He inched his way towards the closet, careful not to awaken the sleeping man. He soundlessly turned the knob and pulled open the door only to be greeted with…
"WOOF! WOOF!!"
"Ack!" loud fell backwards as a giant, brown dog leapt out of the closet and trampled him. "Darn mutt!"
"Ha, ha! That's a good dog!"
Stunned, Cloud turned his head to the "sleeping" man, who was now eagerly petting his dog.
"Y-you're not asleep…?" questioned Cloud.
"Nope! I'm just blind, boy! And it was mighty funny to see ya sneaking around my home, trying to loot me for all I'm worth!" replied the man. "You've got a lot of guts, boy."
"Umm…sorry…" Cloud offered feebly. "It's just, I need some Phoenix Downs! The shrubbery around this place is murder!"
The man nodded in accordance. "I know what you mean! I was a gardener for a good while 'til those crazy weeds poked my eyes out!"
"Ouch… That's gotta hurt," winced Cloud.
"Hey, I like you, boy! Why don't you take the Elixir that's in my closet, hmm?"
"Really? You mean I can have it?" asked Cloud, completely in awe.
"Mmm-hmm," nodded the man.
"Gee, thanks!" exclaimed Cloud. He jumped to his feet and scoured the closet shelves. There was only one item in the entire closet and Cloud pulled it out with furrowed brows. "Hey! This isn't an Elixir! It's…a used tissue?!"
The man could hold back his laughter no longer. "Bwahahahahahahaha!! Did you honestly think I'd give a thief an Elixir?" he laughed. "You're crazier than I thought, boy! Now get outta here before I get my dog here to tear ya a new one."
And so, Cloud returned to the Inn three hours later. His friends were in an uproar—both at the fact that he was late and because he couldn't get any Phoenix Downs. Tifa promptly took over as team leader and sentenced Cloud to replace the Kalm village idiot who had mysteriously vanished.