First Date
A/N:OK, so I don't do very well at humour fics, but this idea has been bugging me for a little while now so I decided to write it and get it out of my head for good. Apologies if it sucks…
Special thanks to Laura a.k.a wallytops for all her input for this on the bus to Dubin that day ages ago… You're sort of like the co-author here, Loz!!!
Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own CSI:NY, because if I did I sure as hell would not have let the writers kill Jess, therefore potentially romantically crippling Flack for life, ruining everything just as his life was getting wonderful and snuffing out the relationship with the best potential since Danny and Lindsay. Case closed. *takes deep breath*
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"Hey Flack!" called Danny, hurrying down the corridor to catch his best friend before he left the crime lab to head back over to the precinct, a feat which was not easy when he had an armful of computer printouts of phone calls made by a potential suspect and a stack of rental DVDs balanced precariously under his chin.
Don Flack turned around, grinning to himself, to see Danny jogging towards him.
"What're you so happy about?" Danny asked suspiciously, staring at Don.
"Nothing," he replied quickly. Too quickly. He braced himself for one of those full-scale interrogations Danny was so good at.
"I'm not stupid Flack, spill, come on!" exclaimed Danny, sounding far more like a petulant child than a fully-grown CSI.
"I told you Messer, it's nothing." Don sighed heavily, wishing he had been smart enough to hide his joy more convincingly. Desperately, he cast around for some way to change the subject. His brilliant blue eyes came to rest on the pile of DVDs in Danny's arms, and what could only be described as an evil grin spread across his face as he tugged the top one from the stack.
"The Notebook?" he chuckled, dodging Danny's swipe at his head. "I didn't really think that sort of thing was your scene, Danno."
"Very funny, man. It's Tuesday night, which means it's Lindsay and Stella's weekly movie night. She gave me a list to get for her on my break, that's all."
"Whipped, Messer. That's what you are. Whipped by the cowgirl from Montana."
"Like hell I am!" Danny cried indignantly, puffing out his chest. It would have been a very grand, masculine gesture if his arms hadn't been full of Pretty Woman, Sleepless in Seattle and Dirty Dancing. "Anyway, we'll meet in Sullivan's as usual and-"
"I can't, Danno," Don interrupted, wincing slightly as Danny stared at him in bewilderment.
"What do you mean you can't? It's Tuesday night, we always meet up for a couple of beers and watch a game. It's tradition, Flack," groaned Danny, sounding hurt. Damn, why did he have to look like a puppy that had just been kicked in the stomach?
"I-I have a thing," he explained weakly. "It's been arranged for ages, I can't blow it off. Sorry Messer."
"Fine, fine. I mean, it's just a tradition between two best friends we're talking about, nothing important. If you have a 'thing' then- Aw crap!" Danny broke off as his phone beeped to alert him to an incoming text message. "You gotta be kidding me!"
"What is it?" asked Don, bewildered, as Danny smacked his forehead with his fist and looked almost as desperate as the time he had had to go a whole three hours without a latte when the coffee machine broke.
"Lindsay just texted me, Stella can't come tonight. Man, I'm not kidding here. If you cancel on me, she'll rope me in. I don't think I can survive a night of weeping and corny endings. Ya gotta help me, Flack!"
"I wish I could," Don said regretfully, shaking his head. It did sound terrifying after all. "But like I said, I can't cancel on her-"
"Her? It's a date?" Danny practically screeched, dropping the pages and movies with a bang onto the floor. "Stella cancels on Lindsay, so now I have to sit through five or six hours of dumb girls lusting after even dumber guys because you cancelled on me to go… to go on a- Holy crap, are you dating Stella?"
"Try not to have a heart attack Messer," Don wheezed, trying to maintain a straight face as he contemplated the idea of going on a date with Stella Bonasera. The woman was pretty, yeah, but Don loved her like a friend, or a sister. The idea of them together was ludicrous, bordering on weird. "I'm not dating Stella. I'm not dating anyone, at least not yet. It's our first date."
"Who is she?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Do I know her? Wait, does she work in the lab? It's one of the lab techs, isn't it?"
"Calm down, Danno, I'm not going on a date with one of the lab techs. You don't know her."
"I might, what's her name?"
"Drop it, Danny."
"But-"
"I said, drop it." He must have sounded pretty firm, because Danny shut his mouth mid-sentence and resorted to looking sulky and disgruntled. He stood there with his hands on his hips, glaring furiously at Don and taking the phrase 'If looks could kill' to a whole new level. Don sighed, feeling bad about letting his wingman down. "Look, Danny, I'm really sorry. But I really like this girl, alright? I really like her. And I can't afford to mess this up. You get it, right?"
"Fine, fine," Danny agreed, unable to keep up the act any longer. He grinned broadly up at his friend and waved his hand airily. "Go. Have fun. But I'll be expecting all the gory details tomorrow."
"You're such a girl, Messer."
"That's your fault. If it wasn't for you and your 'first date', I wouldn't have to stay in and watch Titanic, would I? I'm going to be mentally scarred after this Flack, and that's on you."
"I feel terrible about it, really I do," grinned Don, fishing his phone from his jacket pocket. "I'll make it up to you next week, I promise. See you tomorrow."
And with that, he was gone, leaving Danny to pick up the files and DVDs from the floor. Once he had done so, Danny rummaged for his own cell phone and extracted it, grinning to himself as he dialled the familiar number.
Who does he think he is, not telling me who he's dating? he thought mutinously to himself as the phone rang. I'm his best friend, for crying out loud. Well, we'll just have to see about that…
"Hey Montana, it's me," he said as soon as Lindsay answered. "I'm afraid we're gonna have to take a rain-check on movie night. We've got some investigating to do…"
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Don grinned to himself as he entered the precinct, phone held in place between ear and shoulder as he pulled a small white card from his pocket and dialled the number.
"Hi, this is Don Flack. I'm just calling to check that we're all set for tonight, I have a table booked for eight and-"
"It's all in order, Mr Flack," the young woman on the other end of the line interrupted, sounding amused. He could almost see her rolling her eyes. "First date, I take it?"
"Something like that," Don laughed, only realising how nervous he actually was about the whole thing when he heard how shaky his voice sounded.
"Don't worry, sir, we have everything under control. We're the best, and we'll make sure everything runs smoothly, I promise."
"Thank you," he replied fervently. "I'll see you at eight." He hung up and dropped the card on his desk as he passed, heading for the locker room.
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"Gotcha!" Danny hissed triumphantly, watching from the doorway as Flack dropped the card on his desk. He quickly dialled the first number on his speed dial. "Hey Montana, it's me. Operation Identify Flack's Mystery Girl is a go."
"Operation Identify Flack's Mystery Girl? Not very catchy, Messer," Lindsay teased, coming up behind him and almost making him drop his cell.
"Jeez Lindz, you're gonna give me a heart attack one of these days!" whined Danny, clutching his heart. Lindsay grinned broadly and wrapped her arms around his waist, nuzzling his neck gently.
"Sorry, sorry," she smirked, leaning in to whisper in his ear. "But you know, I bet I'd make an awesome nurse…"
"Well in that case, I'll be your patient any time…"
"Ew. Guys, could you just… not. I-I mean, could you try to control yourselves while I'm around. Please."
"Oops, sorry Adam," Lindsay beamed cheerfully, pulling away from Danny.
"Adam?!" exclaimed Danny, wheeling around to see the red-haired lab tech standing behind them with his eyes closed and looking vaguely ill. "What are you doing here?"
"I invited him," Lindsay explained. "I figured he could help us out. We do need a lookout after all, if you want to go through Flack's stuff without him finding out-"
"Hold up," interrupted Adam, staring nervously from face to face. "Lindsay, you said we were going for coffee!"
"I lied. I didn't think you'd come if I told you we were trying to figure out the identity of a mysterious girl who was taking Danny's best friend away from him. I know you find Flack kinda… scary."
"I do not!" Adam exclaimed indignantly as Danny stifled a snigger. "It's just… I think I might have an inferiority complex. So, you know, I don't really think I can be part of something like this. I'm a hopeless liar and if Flack came I'd-"
"Tell him you have some DNA results that might help with the case we were working on," supplied Lindsay.
"But I don't have any DNA results."
"You do now!" she grinned brightly, shoving a sheaf of paper into Adam's hands. "Please Adam?"
"I… I dunno…"
"Adam, you do this and I'll stop shouting 'The force is strong in you, young Jedi' every time I see you in the corridor," Danny promised.
"Really?"
"Yup, you got it. In fact, I might even be able to put in a good word for you with that cute girl from Ballistics."
"Throw in a packet of Gummy Bears and you've got yourself a deal," Adam agreed, bobbing up and down with excitement. Whether it was the prospect of hooking up with the Ballistics girl or the idea of a bag of sickly-sweet candy, neither Danny nor Lindsay could tell.
"Then it's a deal," nodded Lindsay. "Let's do this."
"Alright then," Danny growled, pacing before the two of them like a general surveying his troops before battle. "The plan is simple, but genius: Adam, you keep lookout while Lindsay and I go through Flack's desk until we find out where he's taking this mystery girl. If he comes, you distract him, and if that doesn't work, we need a codeword. Something to let us know to get the hell outta there, but that won't let him know that anything's up. Ideas?"
"How about… 'Danny Messer's got a heart-shaped birthmark on his left butt cheek'?" Lindsay suggested thoughtfully, chewing on her lower lip.
"Cute as that particular fact is Montana, I think even Flack would find Adam proclaiming something like that suspicious… and kinda disturbing," Danny replied, sticking his tongue out at her. "And Adam, that fact never goes any further, alright? Or I'll tell Mac it was you that got that paper airplane stuck in Stella's hair last week."
"Right. Sure. No telling anyone about your birthmark. Got it," agreed Adam, looking mildly nauseous at the very idea of the existence of such a mark.
"So… code words?"
"How about, um, you know, 'Guitar Hero is the best invention ever'?" Adam offered. "Everyone already thinks I'm a computer nerd, so it wouldn't really sound all that weird."
"Brilliant," grinned Danny, looking at Adam with renewed admiration.
"Adam, you're not a computer nerd," Lindsay said kindly.
"No, I am actually."
"OK people, we're losing valuable time here. It doesn't take Flack that long to get changed," Danny said impatiently. "Let's move out. Go, go, go!"
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Five minutes later, Danny and Lindsay were frantically rifling through Flack's personal belongings while Adam kept watch.
"This is disgusting," Lindsay groaned, pulling out a half-eaten sandwich from one of the drawers of Flack's desk. "How long has this thing been in here? Ugh, men."
"Hey, I could take offence to that!" retorted Danny, attempting to look annoyed. But it was impossible to be annoyed with Lindsay, at least not for very long. He figured it was the doe eyes. He was a sucker for the doe eyes. "But I won't. Find anything?"
"Other than a probable case of food poisoning, no," Lindsay replied, shuddering and dropping the offending sandwich in the nearest garbage can. "You?"
"No… Wait, wait, scratch that," Danny said excitedly, holding up a small white card embossed with flowing gold writing. "Bingo!"
"Wow," exclaimed Lindsay softly, peering over Danny's shoulder at the card. "The Golden Mirror, I've always wanted to eat there…. He must really like this girl, Danny. This place is the best, they've got a dress code and everything."
"And Flack has reservations there at eight o' clock," Danny grinned, flipping the card over to reveal the time scrawled in Flack's messy hand. "Nice work, Watson."
"Not too bad yourself, Sherlock."
"Hey Montana, give me a second here, will ya?" he asked, stepping away from her slightly. "I gotta make a phonecall."
And with that, Danny hurried away, phone pressed tightly to his ear. Lindsay stared after him, confused. What on earth was Danny Messer up to? When he came back, grinning from ear to ear, she couldn't stand it anymore. She confronted him.
"Danny, what did you do? You didn't cancel their reservations, did you?"
"Montana, I'm disappointed you think so little of me," Danny exclaimed, sounding scandalised. "As a matter of fact, I did call the restaurant. But not to cancel Flack's reservations. To make some of my own. You said you wanted to eat there…"
"Oh, Danny, how sweet!" Lindsay gasped, rushing over and wrapping him up in her arms as best she could. She leaned up and kissed his still-smiling lips. "You're the best, you know that?"
"So I've been told," he grinned cheekily. Then he had to dodge a blow as she took a playful swipe at his head.
"Don't be naughty," Lindsay chastised. "Oh, this is so exciting! What am I going to wear? I… I-"
"Hey, isn't Guitar Hero just the best invention ever?" Adam's voice drifted over, abnormally loud. It even carried over the yelling of the perps being lined up for booking and the general ruckus of the precinct. Danny and Lindsay exchanged panicked looks, and Danny tossed the card back onto the desk as though it had burned him.
"Let's move," he said, hauling Lindsay out the door by her thin wrist.
"You think Adam'll make it out alive?" Lindsay asked in a faux-anxious voice. "Or will Flack's powers of deduction work faster than expected? Knowing him, he was planning on eating that sandwich when he got back."
"Adam's a smart kid, he'll manage it," Danny said confidently. "I'll pick you up at seven thirty."
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Don grinned nervously to himself as he walked into the restaurant. He couldn't believe he was doing this. Going to so much trouble over a girl wasn't usually his style. But this was different. Jess was different. He'd never felt like this before, like he had to do everything in his power to make her like him, like all that mattered in the world was her. He'd never been nervous on a date before. He took it as a sign that what they had was special.
Special enough to make him fork out a couple of month's wages on a meal on their first date at any rate.
As the server seated them in a booth near the back of the restaurant, he plucked up the courage to look at her. Immediately, he had to remind himself to breathe. Jessica Angell looked… there was no other word for it. Perfect. Her long dark hair hung loose around her, her dark eyes glittering enthusiastically in the dim restaurant lighting. Her royal blue dress clung seductively to her curves, and a thin silver chain glistened around her neck. But best of all, her face was alight with happiness. And she was looking at him.
"Look, Jess," he said in a soft voice. "Thanks for agreeing to this… I know you were a bit apprehensive, wondering what the boss would say about us-"
"I've got a rule," Jess interrupted, her dazzling smile lighting up her whole face even more. "No talking about work when we're on a date."
"I like that rule," grinned Don warmly, perusing his menu. "But I still wanted to say thanks."
"No problem, Donnie. I think if you hadn't asked me out, I probably would've ended up asking you anyway," Jess said thoughtfully, eyes straying to the wine list. "You're good company. Plus, you're a gentleman, so I'm guessing you'll be footing the bill?"
"Absolutely."
"Thank God," she sighed, relieved. "Because I spent about a month's pay on this dress when you told me where you were taking me."
Don laughed warmly, his hand straying to hers, which lay nonchalantly on the cream tablecloth. He looked up to see a waitress with a short blonde bob striding towards them, an overly enthusiastic smile plastered across her face. As she passed a table, something caught his eye. Jess followed his gaze.
"Isn't that…"
"Messer," he growled, rolling his eyes. "I should've known."
"What do you mean?" asked Jess, sounding amused. She squeezed his hand a little tighter.
"I accidentally let slip that I had a date tonight when I was talking to him earlier," Don explained apologetically. "I wouldn't tell him who with though. I can't believe he did this! But how did he know where- Adam."
"Don, you're not really making much sense…" Jess trailed off, struggling to hold in the laughter.
"Adam Ross came into the precinct earlier, he was acting weird."
"Weirder than usual?"
"Well, yeah. I guess he was holding me off until those two super-sleuths over there could find out where we were eating. If you'll excuse me, I have a best friend to murder."
"Don't," Jess pleaded, holding on tight to his hand. "If you want revenge, I have a better idea…"
And as the waitress stood in front of them, the two detectives concocted their evil plan….
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"Angell?!" Danny almost shouted, hanging out of his booth to get a better look at the couple sitting in the back corner of the Golden Mirror. "Flack's dating Angell?"
"I don't know why you're so surprised," Lindsay said, leaning across and hauling him upright by the tie. "They are pretty close."
"But they're partners! They work together!"
"Danny, don't you think that's slightly hypocritical of you?" teased Lindsay, gesturing pointedly between the two of them.
"Oh. I guess I am," he laughed shakily, still staring in astonishment at Flack and Angell, who hadn't noticed him. "You gotta admit, Lindz, it's a bit of a shock."
"Oh Danny, don't be so childish," she replied briskly. "Maybe they're just friends, they might be discussing a case."
As she spoke, Flack leaned across the table and cupped Angell's face in his hands, kissing her passionately.
"Oh, they're friendly alright," Danny whispered. "Real friendly."
"OK," said Lindsay faintly. "So they're dating. But it's no big deal, Danny."
"No big deal? No big deal?" Danny's voice rose by several octaves, causing him to attract funny looks from the elderly couple at the table next to them. "How the heck did he neglect to mention that the girl he's dating just happens to be his partner?"
"Calm down, cowboy," Lindsay sighed, shaking her head. "He probably didn't say anything cos he knew you'd react like this. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is."
"I asked for gory details Lindz! Gory details! And if he supplies them, they'll be about Angell. I have to work with her on a daily basis, Montana. I'll never be able to look her in the eye again!"
"It might not get to that stage," said Lindsay fairly, just as the other couple began to kiss with even more vigour.
"Like hell it won't!" Danny moaned, smacking his forehead with his palm. "I'm gonna be mentally scarred after this. I should've just stayed in and watched The Notebook."
As he said this, Jessica Angell sighed loudly, her voice carrying across the small, exclusive room.
"Don, I don't think I can wait any longer," she said, sounding impatient. "Let's just get out of here and skip dinner."
"Are you sure?" Flack asked.
"I'd much rather you give me a private tour of your apartment…"
"Oh God," Lindsay gasped, cringing and flushing bright red. "I think you had a point Danny."
"If you're sure…" Flack told Angell, grinning wickedly. "I must say, it's a great place. Especially the bedroom… Although you might remember that from the last time I gave you a 'private tour'. I've got a really big bed…"
"I'm not listening," Danny said jamming his fingers in his ears. "I'm not listening to this, I can't hear the two of them talking about that. Mt best friend and my coworker… Ugh."
"Sounds fun," Jess said, rising to her feet. "Let's go then."
"I'm right behind you," agreed Flack, tossing a couple of bills down on the table and following her through the maze of tables. To Danny and Lindsay's dismay, they were headed right past their booth.
"Moving a plant in front of us too obvious?" Lindsay murmured, turning her head to avoid being recognised. "Or we could make a shield out of the menus."
"We could always make a break for it," suggested Danny, who looked pale.
"You know, Jess, we've got something special going on these past few months. I think we should start trying for a kid. I-"
"WHAT?" Lindsay exploded, forgetting about her plan to go unnoticed. Danny looked like he might faint or vomit, or both, and promptly toppled out of the booth….
Into the path of an onrushing waiter carrying a heavily laden tray.
"I… uh, sorry," Danny muttered, helping the guy to his feet.
"You're gonna pay for this meal you've ruined!" the waiter snapped, glaring furiously at him. "You and your little madam here, out! Get out at once! Go on, go!"
"Hey, hey, no need to get shirty!" Lindsay exclaimed. "We didn't mean any-"
"GO!"
"Look buddy," said Danny, exasperated. "We're really sorry, we were just-"
"Eavesdropping on a first date?"
To their dismay, Flack and Jess were standing over them, smirking identically.
"Don, I-"
"We were just-"
"Trying to find out all the 'gory details'?" Jess asked, one eyebrow quirked. Danny and Lindsay groaned in perfect unison.
"You two knew we were watching all along?" Danny asked in a pained voice.
"Come on Danno, we're two of the NYPD's finest," Flack grinned, shaking his head. "You really think we wouldn't notice you two gawping at us like exhibits in the zoo?"
"Sorry buddy, I was just… You wouldn't tell me who you were dating!" Danny whined, sounding like a precocious three-year-old. "So we decided to stake you out… It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"Well, I think you've learned your lesson," grinned Jess, tears of mirth glistening in her eyes as she observed the many food stains all down Danny's once-crisp white shirt and the pained expression on Lindsay's face. "And the moral of the story is…"
"Never stalk us on a date again," finished Flack, glancing sternly at the guilty pair before them. "Or massive damages bills will be the least of your worries."
"Scout's Honour, Don."
"Danno, you were never in the Scouts."
"CSI's Honour, then." Danny paused. "Just to clarify, this is your first date, right? The kids thing was just a joke… wasn't it?"
"Jeez Messer, I thought you were supposed to be smart."
"You're never going to let us live this down, are you?"
"Never."
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Later, once Danny and Lindsay had apologised for the umpteenth time and paid the restaurant for the meal Danny had wrecked, Don pulled up outside Jess's apartment. The couple sat in awkward silence, shooting each other uncertain glances.
"So," Jess said hesitantly. "You know earlier, when you told those two not to stalk us anymore…?"
"Yeah."
"Does that mean you intend asking me on another date?"
"If you'll have me. With crazy friends like those, I'd have thought you'd want to run as far as you could in the other direction. That was the most disastrous date I've ever been on."
"Well, you know what they say about first dates," whispered Jess, leaning across and pressing her lips to Don's.
"What's that?" he gasped through the kisses she was planting on him.
"The more memorable they are, the better. And I don't think I'll ever forget that."
Don chuckled. "Me either. So… How about I take you ice skating next week? That way we'll spot any potential stalkers a mile away. Messer can't stay vertical for more than two seconds on the ice."
Jess grinned her beautiful, heart-stopping grin and kissed him one final time. She leaned in close to him, brushing her lips to his ear.
"It's a date."
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A/N: Like it? Hate it? Completely indifferent? I know it was random, and I probably can't do humour at all, but if you've got anything to say about this story then please, please, please REVIEW!
Love,
Ciara
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